Insanity is but a Word

Harry Potter, other characters and locations from the Harry Potter series belong to J.K Rowling not me. Other recognizable characters also do not belong to me, and I do not claim ownership of them. I'm just playing around in a world created by others.

AN: This prologue doesn't begin the storyline. It sets the stage and is written in a different style from the rest of the story. If you don't like it, bear with me. It's necessary. Also, this story contains a grey Harry, mentions of child abuse, graphic fight scenes, bad language, self-destructive behavior, torture and many character deaths. You have been warned.

Harry Potter was experiencing something no child six years old should ever have to truly suffer: despair. At the tender age of six, Harry was losing hope. Even two years earlier when he was four, Harry realized that his relatives didn't love him. It was almost painfully obvious, even to a young child that didn't fully understand the concept of a loving family. His whale of a cousin got whatever he wanted, and Harry got nothing. Dudley was doted on by his damned aunt and uncle, and Harry was little better than a slave.

Cooking, cleaning, gardening, odd jobs around the house, he did it all. The Dursleys couldn't be bothered and they had a freak to do it for them anyway. It was free labor. All they had to do was keep the boy alive by feeding him the bare minimum and allowing him to sleep in the smallest spare space they had. It was only a matter of time until it went wrong though. The boy was unnatural, and they knew it. Petunia Dursley, the boy's aunt, had told her husband, Vernon, all about the boy's freak mother. It was only a manner of time before signs of his unnaturalness manifested. They couldn't have that. They were normal, damn it. Normal! Magic didn't exist. They would abuse the boy and stop him from growing into his freakishness. It was the only way. It was official. Mr. and Mrs. Dursley would abuse their own nephew as much as possible.

They wouldn't go too far of course. Some things just weren't done. True physical abuse would lead to uncomfortable questions and would damage their reputations. Occasional beatings and casual blows would work fine. Vernon wasn't creative enough or vindictive enough for any form of sexual abuse, so young Harry was saved from that fate. However, neglect, malnourishment and emotional torment were daily occurrences at number 4 Privet Drive. Harry was skin and bones, didn't expect anyone to ever care for him and had long ago learned to hide all his emotions from his relatives. He also hid from anyone he didn't think he could trust, which at the moment was everyone. By the time he was six, Harry had mostly accepted this.

When he began to understand just how strange his life was, Harry tried to find a way out. He searched tirelessly for a way to escape, somewhere to run, a plan to change how he was treated. Eventually, he came to the conclusion that he couldn't get away. He wasn't old enough or smart enough to run away and survive. He wasn't big enough or strong enough to fight back. No one would take his word over the Dursleys. One day when he was six, the answer came to him and with it came the crushing despair. He would have to suffer through the Dursleys, and hide himself from them until he could escape.

Harry had come home happy that day. He had done well on a test in school, and hoped that this would finally win him some of his relatives' affection. Little did he know just how wrong he was. Dudley had done horribly on the test, and there was no crime greater for Harry than besting his cousin. Vernon had flown into a towering rage and beaten Harry. He was careful not to break any of the boy's bones or permanently injure him, but the beating was still harsh. That's when Harry made his second mistake. He had taken beatings like this before. He decided to stand up to his uncle and show that Vernon couldn't really hurt him. The courage he showed was immense, but it wasn't the time for such a display. Seeing the freak's rebellion, Vernon ripped off his belt and the boy's shirt. The boy wouldn't cower before his fists? Vernon would test how well the boy would stand up against the buckle of his belt. The boy's back would never show in public anyway. The buckle dug cruelly into his nephew's six year old back, and while his nephew screamed and cried, Vernon allowed himself a smile. The boy wouldn't stand up against them so soon now.

That night, the young boy lay bleeding in the cramped cupboard under the stairs and wept in pain and distress. The abuse had left him frighteningly thin and fairly short for his age. His perpetually tousled black hair fell in his eyes, and concealed the small lightning bolt scar on his forehead. The eyes were the important part. They were bright emerald green, and should have held all the intensity and life that his thoughts and personality held. Instead, his eyes were dull and blank. If you didn't look closely, you might almost say they were lifeless. Harry was an ambitious and intelligent child. He wanted to survive and make something out of himself. A cunning plan began to form as he sat there bleeding and weeping. Harry could and would endure the casual beatings that he had received for so many years, but beatings like the one that he had received today were to be avoided at all costs. He would hide his talents, personality and emotion until he could get away. And with the adoption of this plan, Harry Potter gave up hope and committed himself to enduring.

At the same time, Vernon decided that the freak was becoming too strong willed. They obviously hadn't beaten him down enough. Beatings like tonight's would have to become more routine. The boy must be broken, besides the beatings were fun. He might even have to get Dudley to bully the freak to help in the process.

Both of the schemers missed one key fact. When all hope is lost and conventional reactions just aren't enough, some people had the willpower and ability to change the world around them to suit their needs. The world would conform to them, almost as if by magic. And Harry Potter had just lost the last of his hope. He was now truly desperate.

The magic could only work within Harry's will, and his plan stopped it from showing itself plainly by defending him and attacking the Dursleys. It could still help him in many ways, but they were limited and kept secret. Over the next four and a half years, Harry gained more control of his power, while facing increasing abuse from all sides. His uncle stepped up the beatings, his teachers thought Harry was lazy because he went out of his way not to best Dudley, Dudley and his friends chased and beat Harry and anyone that associated with him and the neighborhood thought Harry was a delinquent. Magic helped him compensate. He was able to heal most of the beatings, although most of the bigger injuries were beyond his abilities, he healed the minor cuts and bruises. One day, Harry was running from Dudley's gang and teleported himself to the top of the school. This skill was developed until he could control it, which gave him access to the library and precious knowledge. Harry learned to generate light, unlock doors and even the ability to sense when someone was thinking about him in his presence. His survival instincts and some physical abilities also grew. The skill to walk utterly silently was invaluable for avoiding his relatives. Manually picking locks gave him a better idea of how to do so magically. Harry learned to read body language and subtle signals that people gave off about their moods and intentions. His sense of when he was in danger became incredibly acute. Most importantly, he learned to run. Dudley's gang had numbers, but Harry had speed and endurance.

And so, Harry Potter was a strange young man when he received his Hogwarts letter the summer he was going to turn eleven. He was more skilled in magic than most of his classmates would be, but knew far less about magic and the theory behind it. Harry was also solitary by nature, but actually had no friends or even any close acquaintances, because Dudley bullied anyone that went near him. In addition, he had the physical skills he had developed and his rather eclectic education. Harry had studied far enough ahead for his education to be comparable to a young man that was going into high school. In addition, he had researched whatever topics caught his attention at the library, when he escaped from his relatives at night. Martial arts, fighting with weapons, languages, foreign cultures, mythology and the Medieval Age were all researched, most of the information was memorized, and Harry moved on. He was never able to properly work out, train himself to fight or speak the languages fluently, but that didn't bother him. He remembered enough to do that later. Besides, he was finally free of the Dursleys! He could leave this hellhole and learn magic. Harry left his relatives home with a light heart.

Harry arrived at Hogwarts and looked forward to finally learning about his strange power. The next five years would be the best of his life, but would also contain the worst moments he had ever experienced. The first sign that Harry's Hogwarts experience wouldn't be normal came as soon as the Sorting Hat was placed on his head.

You certainly are a unique individual aren't you? it had said in his mind.

I am what I have to be, Harry thought back. Except a Slytherin. I am not one of them.

You would do well there. You are deeply ambitious and would quickly become a leader among them, the Hat responded.

Ambition is useful no matter where I go, and if I am a leader, leadership will surface regardless of who I lead. That doesn't place me in the serpents' den, Harry reasoned.

Agreed. You have immense courage as well. You'd be accepted in Gryffindor. You'd do well in any House for that matter. Your thirst for intelligence eclipses your ambition and rivals your cunning. You have no loyalty, but when you finally make friends, you'll be more loyal than most Hufflepuffs ever will be. One trait overpowers the others, I think. I will leave you with some parting advice. Always balance your bravery with your cunning and use that intellect of yours to make it all work. "GRYFFINDOR!"

Harry made sure to take the Hat's advice to heart, and would forever remember that moment as his true introduction to his unconventional life as a wizard. Despite the fact that this was a new start for Harry, he refused to share his secret skills with the other students. It was always better to have an ace in the hole, if he ever needed one. Harry also began to work on even more secret skills. Hogwarts was full of empty rooms and passageways. It was child's play for someone of his skill to sneak out for a little while each night to train. He used his knowledge of martial arts and weapons to begin his training, and later, the library provided material on all manner of subjects with which to expand his knowledge farther. The trees around the grounds provided sturdy wood to fashion into practice weapons, and he could use anything he found as a practice dummy. Harry also became much more familiar with his magic in this time.

Lessons in spells and magic theory had given him an astonishing amount of ideas of all the ways he could use magic. The theory behind the magic was probably the most interesting subject he researched. He could feel his magical core. He had always been able to, despite the fact that many wizards couldn't. When casting a spell, he could feel his magic respond, but the interaction between magic and wand puzzled him. The flow of magic was like a block or sphere that was moving forward at a moderate pace. When the magic hit the wand, it was compressed into the shape of a spell, and any power that wasn't compressed was used to propel the magical projectile forward. The magic inside of him was controlled entirely by his intent, and the wand acted like the barrel of a gun to help him aim the spell. The incantation seemed to be almost completely useless. The only purpose it served was to voice his intent. In most wizards, the use of the incantation made their intent obvious, which boosted their willpower and the spell's power. Harry didn't need the incantation, because he had complete control over his will. In fact, if he could learn to force his will into his magic and change its shape, he should be able to cast wandlessly. The willpower that such a task required was immense, but Harry committed himself to work on it. A wand could be stolen or broken. It was a weakness that he couldn't afford.

For the next five years, Harry trained whenever he could get away without it being suspicious. He trained physically, mentally and magically. He pushed his body to the limits. In return, he became more fit, stronger and healthier. Harry forced himself to do the same with his magic, which grew in much the same way his muscles did. Nutrition became important to him, and he ate to make himself stronger and healthier. All his training paid off in his fourth year, when all his knowledge and ability allowed him to survive the Triwizard Tournament. It was that same tournament that would lead to the resurrection of his parents' murderer. The return of Voldemort would only serve to enhance Harry's drive to train. The training would reach a whole new level of intensity in Harry's fifth year. The DA meetings gave Harry an excuse to research even more magic, and he used every minute he could get to learn more combat magic. There was still no one that knew about his training sessions, and now no one would ever have the chance to find out. With the introduction of the Room of Requirement, Harry had found the perfect training environment. He had sophisticated training dummies for his martial arts training, and the room could generate whatever weapons he wanted. Everything except for a sword that is. After a month of wondering why no sword would appear, Harry finally asked the room to show him why it couldn't help him. The room gave him a book called Swords and their Warriors. The book was about magical weapons with the ability to bond to their true wielder. The sword of Gryffindor was one such sword, and following the method in the book Harry could summon it with a thought. Training wasn't the only thing that Hogwarts provided Harry though.

For the first time in his life, Harry had friends. Maybe there were only two of them that were really close, and maybe one did routinely abandon him or fly into jealous rages, but he loved Ron and Hermione. They were the only two close friends that he had ever had, but even they didn't know his secret. It didn't matter though, because of them he felt wanted and loved. He had never had that feeling before, and because of that he proved the Sorting Hat right. Harry was unswervingly loyal. And because of the DA he gained more friends. Luna and Neville joined him, while Ginny got over her crush and hero worship. He valued all five of his friends, and would always remain loyal through whatever circumstances may come. The five of them had followed him to the Ministry to try to save Sirius and he would do anything for them. Sirius and the ministry were subjects that Harry didn't want to address, but he knew he had to face them.

Sirius had given Harry more hope than any other single event in his life. Hogwarts had gotten him away from the Dursleys for most of the year, but Sirius could provide even more. Harry would finally be away from the Dursleys forever, and not only that, but Sirius was the loving family figure that Harry had always wanted but never had. Sirius was a link to his parents and also, Harry's entire plan for the future. And then, in a single moment, it was gone. Harry's plans for the future, the man he had grown to love as a fun, crazy uncle and one of the only links to his parents were all gone. Harry blamed himself and it ripped into his conscience. Not only was the guilt overwhelming, but his sanity was teetering on the brink.

The endless paranoia that the Dursleys had instilled in him combined with the trials and losses that Harry had endured at Hogwarts would have long ago driven a lesser man insane. Anyone else would have been a gibbering wreck. Harry would never lose control of his will in such a way, but insanity is a broad condition. Some people's only noticeable insanity was their complete and utter disregard for everything around them, others are obsessive, a few were self-destructive. After losing Sirius, Harry was at the brink. All it would take is one or two good pushes and he would fall into insanity. One such push was unwittingly given by Dumbledore.

The Headmaster should have known better. He shouldn't have manipulated Harry's life the way he did. Dumbledore had dumped Harry with the worst sort of person, after being warned by McGonagall that it was a mistake. He had left Harry to be abused. Later, when Harry joined the wizarding world, he never told Harry about his inheritance, his parents or the prophecy. Harry was never trained by Dumbledore despite the fact that Voldemort was after him. Dumbledore had deliberately manipulated Harry's childhood and made it extremely like Voldemort's, and Harry wasn't ignorant of this. He had investigated after learning Voldemort's name in the Chamber of Secrets. Harry knew that Dumbledore had done all these things, except for the prophecy. He already had plans for small revenge against Dumbledore, but something the magnitude of the prophecy would cause much more trouble with Harry. The revelation infuriated Harry, and he was ready to snap and wreak havoc on everything around him. He even started down that path with the destruction of Dumbledore's office, but he barely retained control and his sanity. He wouldn't forget, however, Dumbledore would pay. It would have to be at another time though, right now he had to take it easy and regain his control. The rest of the term would be about healing and accepting everything that had happened. Despite his best efforts, Harry Potter's control was fragile and one tragedy would shatter it and his sanity forever.