Gone

Gone

Sirius, do you know what those last moments were like for me? It was like we were seventeen and the world was ours again. We were fighting the good fight. You were taunting Bellatrix.

"Come on, you can do better than that!"

Laughing in the face of danger, that was so characteristic of you. Maybe that's what I'll miss the most, your laughter. They said you laughed when they arrested you, and that hurt me the most during those twelve years - I thought you had thrown everything away.

And then you were falling. I looked up and you were falling and I ran towards you. Merlin, Sirius, I wanted to catch you, to hold you in my arms one last time, to tell you I loved you one final time. But you fell through the veil and you were gone.

Gone.

I never thought a four-letter word could hurt so much. Do you know what it was like to lose you a second time? I did the only thing I could do. I wrapped my arms around your godson, around Harry.

"There's nothing you can do, Harry-"

"Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!"

He tore my heart out with those words. I wanted to, Siri, I wanted to. To jump in after you and pull you out. But I'd promised you; I'd promised you I'd take care of him.

"- it's too late, Harry."

I think those were the most painful words I ever said to him. I thought it was too late when I found out James and Lily were dead. For twelve years I thought you'd betrayed us all. But we had a second chance. And to lose it so quickly... Sirius...

"We can still reach him-"

He struggled against me, but I held on tighter. I had to hold on to something. To anything.

"There's nothing you do, Harry... nothing... he's gone."

He loved you, Sirius. In those two years, he'd learned to love you. I had to say it aloud - that you were gone. I didn't believe it. I couldn't. Two years was too short a time. It was over too quickly.

"He hasn't gone!"

I wanted to believe him. I wanted more than anything to believe him, to see you on the other side.

"SIRIUS! SIRIUS!"

I wanted to scream your name with him, to cry out. How dare anyone take my lover, my mate from me. They couldn't.

"He can't come back, Harry."

My voice started breaking. I needed you Sirius. You could comfort him. I just wanted to jump into that veil, to join you. Maybe if I said it again, I'd believe it.

"He can't come back, because he's d--"

"HE - IS - NOT - DEAD! SIRIUS!"

I couldn't have said it anyways. Couldn't have told the one person who loved you almost as much as I did that you were dead. It took every ounce of my strength to drag him away and keep going. I was numb. It was your strength that kept me going. I knew I was pale, but I had to keep fighting. You would have wanted that. I had to look out for Harry and Neville. I had to keep my promise that I would protect Harry for you. That I would love him and look out for him. He broke out of my grasp though and ran after Bellatrix. I never thought you'd die at her hands. Voldemort's, maybe, after you'd killed Peter, but not her's. You deserved better, Sirius, and I deserved a body to hold and cry over. I wanted to scream, to cry, to clutch you to my chest, to bring you back, but I couldn't. You were gone. Why did it have to be you, Siri? Why couldn't it have been anyone else? I'm not sure I'll survive this, losing you a second time. I'll try though. For Harry's sake because I know that's what you would have wanted.

They're worried about me, all of them. Even Snape was asking how I was doing. Tonks is hanging around as much as possible and Molly's fretting over me. Albus blames himself a little, I think. He knew, he had to know. Harry blames himself, too. I wish we could have gotten a chance to tell him. But we'll never have that chance. I'll never have the chance to hold you in my arms again. We'll never run together under the full moon again.

You may be gone, Sirius, but I will never forget you. I promise you that. I'll look after Harry as if he was my own. You have my word. I know I'll never replace you in his eyes, but I'll take care of him and keep an eye out. Maybe one day I'll tell him everything. Tell him about us. Maybe he suspects something, but maybe he's as dense as James was.

All I know is that I'm living for you from here on out. What other choice do I have, Sirius? I'll do my best not to let you down. I just wish...

But it's no use.

Because you're...

Gone.