One Of These Days

" One of these days"

Used to chase that boy home from school
we called him freckled-faced, red-headed fool
He was different...he wasn't cool like me

I was sitting in a tiny room at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and wizardry. I had found this room my sixth year, and now that it was the end of my seventh; I'd been in there every night since I'd found it. I'd not told anybody about this little secret, hoping only Dumbledore knew about it.

Since this was the end of my seventh and final year at Hogwarts, I was thinking of my life at the school. I remembered almost instantly how I loved to make fun of Ron Weasley. Part of me wanted to blame my father for teaching me to be horrible to Muggle lovers and poor people. I remembered the first time I saw Ron, telling him he was obviously a Weasley just judging by the state of his robes. I wished now that I hadn't.

Sticks and stones didn't break any bones
But we never left well enough alone
And one day he ran away from home, you see
And I passed him as he walked away
And in his eyes I heard him say

Sometimes my friends and I would gang up on Ron and even Harry too, and do horrible things to them. So many times we beat them up and nobody had known about it because Potter and Weasley were too scared to tell anybody. They were lucky they were best friends with the best witch in the year, for she knew ways to cover up the bruises and cuts on the outside. Though, nobody would be able to cover up the bruises and cuts on the inside, in their hearts.

It was the middle of sixth year when Ron finally had enough. He ran away from Hogwarts. He was one of the only students to ever do so. I saw him walking through the doors, the night he did run. Since I hadn't known what Ron was doing, I didn't tell anybody. I looked Ron in the face before he left. I, the silver haired boy saw that he, the "freckled faced fool" looked desperate, and like he was being eaten up inside. Maybe he was and I was just too thickheaded to notice. If I had noticed, then maybe I would have stopped messing with Ron. But, I hadn't stopped. I just kept on going. I was like those damn Muggle energizer batteries.

Potter didn't deal well with his friend running away, and neither did Granger. They both went bad. Not Death Eater bad. They went Muggle bad. They stopped doing their homework, and eventually stopped coming to classes. They would cuss out anybody that tried to talk to them and started drinking. Eventually they started taking Muggle drugs too, and the only reason they weren't expelled from Hogwarts was because Dumbledore thought they could still be fixed.

Oh, was he very wrong. They killed each other the night before Ron's birthday. They had used Muggle guns and aimed them at one another, firing at the same time. And on their beds were the same notes that I had gotten from Ron.

One of these days you're gonna love me
You'll sit down by yourself and think
About the times you pushed and shoved me
And what good friends we might've been
And then you're gonna sigh a little
Maybe even cry a little but
One of these days you're gonna love me

The guilt had been left in me for a very long time. In fact it was still there. It didn't take you-know-who to kill Harry Potter, the famous boy who lived. It took a bully like me, who teased Harry's best friend so much that he ran away. And it took a bully like me, who kept on going, even when Ron was gone, and pushed Harry so far that he couldn't take living anymore and had finally killed himself.

Hermione was a different story though. I knew that very well. I knew it wasn't Ron that had made her do it. It wasn't that at all. It was he himself that had made her end her life. That filled me with even more guilt than the boy who lived could.

Patty Sue was a small town beauty
I took one look at her and had to pull her to me
Lord knows she should've seen right through me
when I promised her the world

It was no secret when Hermione and I started dating in our fifth year. She had just dumped Viktor Krum, and I had been there to get her through it. I'd held her hand when it had been empty and I had kissed her cheek when it had been full of tears. I was the one that she had needed, but then I started pulling back, and doing things that she very much would disapprove of and not telling her of it.

To gain her back I promised her a thousand empty promises, which I knew I could not fulfill. I had just wanted her to be mine so bad, and I still hadn't figured out why. I thought about it too, for long hours. I didn't understand how if I had loved Hermione so much, why would I still induct so much pain on her best friends. Why would anybody do that do their girlfriends best friend? I didn't know, and that's why Icouldn't keep on what I was doing.

But at 17, you only want one thing
I left her standin' with my high school ring
Innocent tears in the pourin' rain
As I walked away
And I still see her in my dreams
And to this day she's whispering

The break up hadn't been easy. Part of the reason was because Iwas still very much in love with Hermione. I just didn't see a point with going out with the girl that I couldn't tell the totally truth with. I didn't know why I had done it still. That was just half the reason. The one in which I wouldn't go out with a girl when I hated her best friends. Maybe, I'd learn to grow up.

But if I did it was too late. Of course as you know, she killed herself. I wanted to think it was because of Ron, but how could it have been when she had written the same thing that Ron had written, the same thing that Harry had written, and this time with a new meaning.

One of these days you're gonna love me
You'll sit down by yourself and think
About the time you turned from me
And what good friends we might've been
And then you're gonna sigh a little
Maybe even cry a little but
One of these days you're gonna love me

It had taken a year, but I was crying. Crying because I knew I would leave the memories of Hogwarts behind when I left. Crying because I knew that I would no longer had a chance to be forgiven by Hermione and Ron, and even Harry. Crying because it was that day, it's the day that I knew I loved her, I loved Hermione with all my heart and I couldn't have her. It was even my own fault that I couldn't have her. What a shame that was that I couldn't keep my big mouth shut.

I'm going to leave the school tomorrow. I'll possibly go far and wide in search for a reason to live. Then when I don't find one, I might kill myself. But I could not now, not tonight. There had been way to many deaths at Hogwarts thus far. I don't even deserve to kill myself. Then, people might not feel sorry for me and curse my memory, but that's not what I want. Call me spoiled but that's not at all what I want.

Now everybody stands up
The congregation sings
It's a song of sweet forgiveness
And as the chorus rings
The wind blows clear my memory
The pages start to turn
Then suddenly I'm singin'
The moment that I learn

So, right now, I just sat there, thinking of other memories of school. Trying forever to think of happy ones. And I did come up with them. There were only a few but I did come up with them.

Among them were Quidditch, the first time I was on the team, Harry had tainted it, but it was still a happy year. Oh how I loved Quidditch. There was also, the times I was with Hermione, the fact that she was gone didn't change the fact that I was always happy when I was with her. I loved to just hang around with her all day and it didn't matter where we were or what we were doing, as long as we were together.

While I was thinking, I realized. The happy memories I had were of times that other people had enhanced me. I was only happy because somebody else had made me that way. Then it hit me. I hate myself. Hate the mere thought of being alone, because I was disgusted with myself. I just need to learn to love myself, and then everything will be ok.

One of these days I'm gonna love me
And feel the joy of sweet release
One of these days, I'll rise above me
And at last I'll find some peace
Then I'm gonna smile a little
Maybe even laugh a little but
One of these days I'm gonna love me