The Final Battle

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Returning to Black Cottage was nothing like it had been when Harry had gone home during the previous Christmas break.

Though Remus didn't like it, he had to admit that he had been wrong concerning his thoughts about returning home. He had believed that with Voldemort finally gone, Harry and Sirius now could take their time to heal their wounds, both physical and in mind. He would have never believed that he had been so wrong.

Attending the funeral had strained Sirius to his limits, just like Remus had predicted it would. But knowing that his friend had felt he needed to pay Dumbledore his last respects, Remus refrained from reminding him that he had told him so.

Sirius spent the first week at home in his bedroom, and though he complained all the time that he was fine and that Remus was exaggerating things to pay him back for the months during which their roles had been reversed, inwardly he knew that Remus was right. He was still far too weak to be up for longer periods of time, so he always gave in after a short struggle and stayed in his bedroom while Remus fed him painkilling- and sleeping potions and took care of the house. But Sirius was stubborn, and after his condition had improved after a week of forced rest in his bed, there was nothing Remus could do to keep him there any longer.

If he was honest, Remus was glad that Sirius was at least physically returning to normality again. For one, it was a plague to take care of Sirius while he was not well, he was the worst patient Remus remembered to have ever seen. Every potion had to be forced down his throat, every hour of sleep had to be enforced and in addition to that Sirius had a tendency to sneak out of bed when he thought that nobody was watching. Once, Remus had caught him at the bottom of the stairs, heading towards the living room. But he had been too strained and tired out to move any further and had nearly collapsed so that Remus had had to levitate him back into his bedroom again. After this incident it had been a little easier to keep Sirius in bed with the threat of tying him to the bedposts if he attempted something similar once again.

But the main reason why Remus was glad that Sirius was doing better was that his concern about Harry had increased during the days he had spent at home.

Ever since they had returned from Hogwarts, Harry had shifted into what he himself called 'Dursley-mode'. Though Remus didn't know about that particular detail, he clearly realized the outcomes of this. Harry was present at mealtimes, but other than that, he tried to make himself as unnoticeable as possible. During the first week, while Remus had been too occupied with keeping Sirius in his bed, this had gone pretty well. Remus and he ate together three times a day, in the evenings they practiced magic to get Harry back to the level he had been at before casting the spell, but other than that Harry stayed in his room and tried to pretend that he wasn't there. A couple of times during the first days Remus tried to make Harry talk again, he wanted him to share what was going on inside of him like he had done in the hospital wing. But Harry blocked all these attempts just like he blocked out all contact with his godfather.

Harry seemed to have completely withdrawn into himself, brooding over whatever was going on inside of him alone in his room for the entire day. He was blocking everything out, especially the thought about Sirius.

After Sirius started leaving his room again however, this became harder and harder for Harry. Though Remus still spent most of his time hovering around Sirius, telling his old friend that he needed rest and that he would call Madam Pomfrey and Snape to give him tranquillizers if Sirius didn't follow his orders, it became harder for Harry to make his presence unnoticed.

Sirius and Harry didn't talk to each other, except from various 'good mornings', 'good nights' and 'could you please pass the salt' conversations. Remus did his best to get the two talking to each other again, but after a couple of days realized that this was about as easy as to convince Severus to adopt a child. Even more difficult, if Remus was the one to judge.

It wasn't as if Harry and Sirius were openly antagonistic towards each other, not at all. Of course they weren't overly friendly as well. They were trying to avoid each other as much as possible, neither of them looking into the other's eyes when they were in the same room and always quick in finding excuses to leave if they were forced to meet. It was just as if both of them were waiting for the other one to make the first step, but neither of them was willing to be the one to do this.

Remus knew that Sirius and Harry needed to talk, and urgently so, but he just could not think of a way to make them see this as well.

Harry couldn't fool Remus, the werewolf knew exactly that the boy had not even begun to cope with all that had happened to him during the last couple of weeks. How could he? To start coping he would need to start with all that was standing between Sirius and him right now, and Remus didn't see any hint that Harry was aware of that.

Remus was at a loss as to what to do.

Ten days after the three had returned to Black Cottage, Remus was completely and utterly fed up with the situation.

The three of them had lunch together, just as they had done the previous days. After eating not really much, Harry had quickly excused himself from the kitchen and gone upstairs into his room again, no doubt to continue brooding over his misery. Remus watched him leave with a sigh and turned his attention to Sirius, who was listlessly picking his steak with his fork.

"Don't you think it's about time that the two of you have a long overdue talk?"

Sirius looked up somewhat startled, clearly his mind had been somewhere else.

"Huh?"

"Harry and you, Sirius. You need to talk, it can't go on like this."

Sirius shook his head and kept on assaulting the steak with his fork. After some moments, he spoke.

"I don't think that he wants to talk to me, Remus. You talk to him, you're good with those kind of things."

Again, Remus sighed. It would not take much more and he'd lock the two of them up in a room together until they had either started talking, shouting or hexing each other. He didn't really care which of those at the moment, everything seemed to be an improvement compared to the momentary situation.

"No Sirius, it's your thing to do. Listen, I know that you're still hurt about how Harry behaved towards you, I know that you still want and have earned an explanation for it, and I also know that you still don't understand completely what happened during the night of the attack.

But Harry is not doing fine, no matter how much he pretends that he can handle it. He's bottling everything up and he's shutting us out. It can't go on like that, it's not healthy for either one of you, let alone the relationship between the two of you.

Both of you are hurt and both of you want to go back to where you were before all this happened, but neither of you is able to make the first step. That's ridiculous Sirius, for fuck's sake finally start behaving like an adult.

And if you don't stop attacking your food, I'll hex you from here to next Tuesday!"

With the last statement, he grabbed the fork from Sirius' hand and shot him a reprimanding look, not very much unlike the one he would have given a small child. But Sirius didn't really seem to notice. He merely stared ahead, his gaze somewhat foggy, and seemed to contemplate what Remus had just told him.

Remus was right, of course. Remus was nearly always right, Sirius knew that much. And he knew that he needed to speak to Harry, but hell, so much had happened during the previous three weeks that Sirius' mind was already buzzing when he only attempted to understand it. How on Earth was he supposed to have a conversation with Harry amidst all this confusion? Especially since his godson didn't seem willing to talk, not at all.

He shook his head and got up from the table.

"I think I'll go back to bed. I'm quite tired all of a sudden."

With this, he left the kitchen and went upstairs, leaving Remus open-mouthed behind him. After some moments, he regained his composure again and yelled after his friend, letting out at least some of the fury that had started rising in him constantly during the last couple of days.

"Fine, go to your room and shut everybody out as well! Sirius Black, you're acting like a fucking five year old kid, you're not helping things with it!"

He kicked hard against the kitchen counter and smashed a glass to the floor for emphasis before he realized what he was doing and calmed down again before the wolf got the better of him. Only a couple of days left till the next full moon, not the very best time for problems like these. He quickly mended the glass with a wave of his wand and then went into the living room.

For the next two hours, Remus paced the living room, desperately searching for a solution.

Harry didn't shown up downstairs after lunch that day, so around five o'clock Remus prepared a plate of sandwiches, put them on a tray with a jug of pumpkin juice and two glasses and levitated it upstairs towards Harry's room. When he knocked and entered, he found Harry sitting on his bed, pretending to read a book. Remus was fairly sure that he was only pretending, unless Harry had learned the art of upside-down reading during the last couple of days.

"Hi Harry."

He sat down on the foot end of the bed and placed the tray in between them. Harry looked up and put the book aside. He eyed the tray carefully, then gave Remus a questioning look.

"Why do you bring the food upstairs? I could have come down to eat."

Remus shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't know and it doesn't really matter, does it?"

Harry shook his head and both started to eat in silence. When they had finished, Remus put the tray aside and the silence grew more tense. Harry kept staring at his book while Remus nervously fiddled with this thumbs over the comforter. Finally, he looked up.

"Harry, I wanted to talk to you."

Harry sighed and continued staring at the book while Remus frantically searched for his next words, hoping they would come out right.

"I was wondering whether you would like to spend some time with the Weasleys."

Harry's head shot up, his eyes wide with shock.

"You want me to leave?"

Harry's expression changed into the one of a hurt and rejected child so quickly that it pained Remus. He had hoped never to see this expression again after the beginning of the last summer. Remus quickly raised his hands in a calming gesture.

"I don't want you to do anything. But during the last couple of days I had an eye on you, and more than once I got the impression that you'd rather be anywhere else but here."

Harry cast his eyes down onto his hands and blushed. Remus continued.

"Harry, I know that a lot of things must be going through your mind and you need to talk about it. You need to let it out, otherwise it won't get better. I had hoped that once we returned here, you'd be able to start coping with all that has happened, but I get the impression that you're feeling worse with each day that passes. I was thinking that...well, the Weasleys have been a family for you long before Sirius and I even came into your life, and I thought that maybe you'd be able to talk with Ron, Molly or Arthur more easily than you're obviously able to talk with Sirius and me."

"You think I don't trust you?"

Harry didn't even look up, so he could not see Remus feverishly shaking his head.

"No Harry, no that's not what I thought. But the situation between Sirius and you is tense, to put it mildly, and though I'm still convinced that the two of you need to talk about what happened, maybe you need some space on your own first, to get your head clear."

Harry shook his head.

"I think the Weasleys have enough to deal with already. But I'll owl and ask if I can stay with them if you want me to leave."

Remus cupped Harry's chin with his hand and forced him to meet his gaze.

"You don't listen to me. I don't want you to go away, not at all. I want to know what you think is best for you. If you want to stay here it's perfectly alright, but if you feel that you'd be better off somewhere else, then I want you to know that it's okay."

Harry freed his face from Remus' grasp and lay down on his side, curling up into a small ball. Remus watched him for some moments, not really knowing how to react to this behaviour.

"I really don't know what I want Remus. I...I think it would be a good idea to just have a break and get away from it all, but I don't think it would make things better. I really don't know what to do Remus."

"Harry, please talk to Sirius. Talk to him before things get out of hand."

A tear slowly made his way down Harry's cheek.

"I decide to talk to him every evening. Every evening I tell myself that the next day I'll talk to him. But then I can't. He doesn't even look at me, Remus. He blames me, I know it."

"Harry, that's rubbish and you know it."

"No Remus, I know it. I recognize that behaviour. That's how people looked at me after fourth year. When nobody believed that Voldemort had risen again. They all blamed me for Cedric's death, just like Sirius blames me now. And he's right. It was my fault that all this happened to him, my fault that he got tortured and nearly killed, and it was my fault that Dumbledore is dead now. I only wish that Dumbledore had taught me the second spell, then we'd all be better off. Dumbledore was important, and now he's gone while I'm still here, completely useless. It's not right that he's dead and I'm alive, it's not fair."

That moment, something inside of Remus snapped. Enough was enough.

He grabbed Harry by the sleeve of his jumper and pulled him into a sitting position. Once more forcing Harry to look into his eyes, he decided to end this once and for all.

"Listen to me, because I will not repeat myself. What happened two weeks ago was nothing you had the power to change. Albus knew that he would die and he accepted this because it was more important for him to defeat Voldemort. He had lived his life, he was aware of what would happen. And though he is missed, it's been the right decision. You have your entire life in front of you, and we are all glad that you are still alive. If you had died, nobody would have been happy about it, do you understand me? Not Ron, not Hermione, neither Sirius nor me, not even Severus. Do you understand me, Harry? Nobody. It would not have been better if you had died."

Harry nodded weakly and Remus could tell that he still had not gotten through to the boy. With a sigh, he pulled Harry from the bed and to his feet.

"What are you doing Remus?"

"What I should have done for some time now. This has to end."

With this, he pulled Harry out of the door, down the staircase and into the living room. He pushed him down into an armchair and turned towards the door again. In the doorframe, he turned around once more and raised a finger at Harry.

"You don't move. I'll be back in a minute."

He vanished and climbed up the stairs again. Harry could not hear what he was doing, but after five minutes he returned, a very sleepy Sirius who was still wearing his dark blue pyjamas at his heels. Treating him just like he had treated Harry, he pushed him down onto a sofa and threw a blanket at him. Sirius took the blanket, obviously still not really awake, while Remus went into the kitchen and returned after a short while with a pot of tea and two cups.

Sirius yawned.

"Remus, what is this all about? I've been sleeping and so far you've always complained about me being up too much."

Remus put the tray down and looked into his friend's eyes. His expression was unreadable.

"I will tell you what this is all about. I've been watching the two of you for more than long enough right now. This has to end, otherwise I'll go insane. A lot of things have happened during the last couple of weeks and it's time that you two finally come to your senses and talk about it.

Harry, you've hurt Sirius with the way you've behaved towards him and so far have not even made an attempt to explain yourself.

Sirius, your godson is digging himself deeper and deeper into his depression and you don't even seem to care about it.

And this will end right now, because I don't intend to watch this anymore and pick up the pieces when it's too late. You two will start talking now.

I don't expect everything to be alright by tomorrow morning, on the contrary I would be more than just surprised if it was like that. But I want you to make a start right now."

With this, he turned around and left the room, leaving two very confused wizards behind.

Well, confused was probably an understatement in both cases. Sirius still wasn't fully awake yet and desperately tried to get a hold onto reality and what he was supposed to do now, while Harry was frantically searching for a way to get out of the room. He had told Remus the truth, he had decided to talk to Sirius every evening before going to bed, but being forced into this talk was something completely different.

Harry sighed.

"Full moon is in a couple of days. It's not good to argue with Remus around this time."

Sirius laughed shortly.

"Whom are you telling? I've lived with it ten months a year for seven years. That's seventy weeks during which I had to watch my mouth while I was around him. And I won't even mention all the years since we left school. I swear, he gets worse PMS than my mum used to."

He sighed and rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands, trying to get fully awake at last.

"Listen Sirius, if you want to lie down again, we can always continue this tomorrow."
Sirius shook his head.

"No, maybe it's good that Remus has finally lost his patience. We really need to talk."

Both stared at their cups for some minutes, each of them waiting for the other to make the first step, to say the first word. But none of them said something.

Inwardly, Sirius was scolding himself very colourfully. He had never had problems in finding the right words, and for fuck's sake, he was the adult here. He was supposed to know what to do, wasn't he? But then why was his head so completely empty right now?

He was glad when Harry eventually broke the silence.

"Remus supposed that I could go to the Weasleys for some time. I think I'll owl Ron tomorrow if I can come over, I need some space."

Harry looked up, but if he had suspected that Sirius would be glad about this turn, then he was disappointed. His godfather feverishly shook his head.

"No, I won't allow you to run away. Not now. It's already difficult enough the way it is, delaying what needs to be done makes it only worse. No, I won't allow you to leave for Ron's just now."

"Oh, and what 'needs to be done' so urgently?"

Harry didn't even bother to keep his voice low. Sirius did his best to remain calm, but realized that he would not be able to keep that up for very long if Harry was about to start being stubborn right now.

"You and I need to talk about what happened. I still don't know half of it. I would very much like to know what happened while you were asleep, what happened that made you react like you did. There are still plenty of things that stand between us, and I don't like that this has happened.

And then we need to talk about what happened during the night of the attack. For example why all of a sudden an image of James was running around on Hogwarts' grounds and especially why you were so willing to follow him. What happened on the clearing after I passed out, aside from the fact that both Albus and Voldemort are dead. There are still many things we need to talk about, and you'll have enough time to visit Ron after we're through with it."

Harry jumped to his feet.

"Some things never change, do they? Again, it's only about what you want, what you think is important! You, you, you! You don't even care about what I might want. You don't care that it might be better for me to get my distance from all this! You don't care about me at all!"

"If I didn't care about you, then I would personally pack your bags and apparate you to the Burrow, wishing you good riddance and then booking a trip to the Bahamas! But I do care about you, that's why I won't let you run away from your problems now.

I know you, Harry. I know that if I let you leave now, then you'll try to make out everything with yourself, and when you return you'll pretend that you're all fine. But not this time. Letting your problems eat you up from the inside might have worked while you were still living with those dratted muggle relatives of yours, but I won't allow that to happen. We've had such a good start Harry, I don't want the last few weeks to stand between us and ruin all of that!"

"Then forget about it. Why can't we do ourselves a favour and forget that the last weeks have happened at all?"

Sirius shook his head.

"Because that won't work. I can't just forget that you've completely rejected and ignored me for nearly two weeks, not without knowing the reason. Merlin, I still don't know any possible reason for it and I think you owe me at least an explanation."

Harry bit his lower lip, trying to prevent his anger from rising any further. He didn't want to talk about it, let alone even think about it, couldn't Sirius understand that?

He shook his head.

"I...I can't. Sorry, but I can't. I can't give you the answers you want to hear from me. I just can't."

With this, Harry turned around and ran out of the room. Sirius sank back into the sofa with a sigh. This had been exactly the reason why he had delayed that conversation for as long as possible. Maybe he had waited too long.

After all, Harry was sixteen years old already, the summer after this he'd be leaving Hogwarts and start a life of his own. What he needed was a place he could return to during the remaining holidays, a place where he would be friendly welcome. He definitely didn't need a godfather who was fretting around him just because he had no idea how being a parental figure worked. Maybe Harry was right, maybe he should just forget about the last couple of weeks and try to be a friend for him instead of a parent.

"Don't even try to think that. Harry needs you now, though he won't admit it."

Sirius jumped nearly three feet into the air.
"Remus! Do you want to give me a heart attack? And how did you do that? Can you read my mind?"

Remus laughed.

"No, but I know you. You only look that resigned when you're about to give something up."

He sat down in the armchair Harry had recently occupied and looked at his friend from intense eyes.

"I'm worried about Harry, Sirius. Really worried. While he was still in the hospital wing, I had the feeling that I could reach him, but that's gone completely by now. We've had a very long talk the day after he woke up, but right now it seems that even telling me what he wants for breakfast is already too much for him. He's shutting us out Sirius, he thinks he can manage this all for himself, but I'm afraid this will break him.

Did you know that he blames himself for everything that happened during the night of the attack? He blames himself that you got trapped and tortured and he blames himself that Albus died. Only half an hour ago he told me that it would be better if he had died and Albus had lived.

Sirius, it can't go on like this. I don't know what we can do about it, but we have to do something. The two of you have been close before, and I can't get rid of the feeling that Harry won't heal until he knows that you can get there again."

Sirius buried his face in his hands.

"Remus, I don't know what to do. He won't even tell me what happened to make him change his mind in the first place. How on Earth am I supposed to help him if I can't even reach him? Can you tell me how we can return to what we had only months ago if he doesn't even tell me why he pushed me so far away in the first place?"

Remus shrugged his shoulders and sighed.

"I really don't know, Sirius. Maybe he is afraid that the answers you're asking of him will only make it worse."

"He told you what it was all about, he told you what happened while he was asleep, didn't he?"

Remus looked up into Sirius' eyes. His friend's gaze was not the least accusing, just watching him intensely. Remus nodded, never losing eye-contact.

"Yes, he told me. After he woke up in the hospital wing, before he started shutting everybody out. But he didn't tell me everything, only what I needed to know to understand the night before. But I think it is important that he's the one who tells you, because it doesn't matter that much what actually happened. It is far more important how Harry feels about it.

Sirius, this boy has been on an emotional rollercoaster for years now. Always going from the relatives that despised him to a school where he had friends and was loved, and the next year the same things repeated. Then his uncle lost his marbles and nearly killed him, and suddenly Harry finds himself living with you, a father figure. The two of you have gone from hardly knowing each other to being a family within days, it's no wonder that there are things that have remained unsaid so far. And as if this was not enough, Voldemort was trying to kill Harry all the time until he didn't know whom to trust and whom to distrust anymore. It had to happen once, and we just have to get him to open up again. He has to know that he can trust us, no matter what happens."

Sirius looked down at his hands for a moment, then he nodded and got up from the sofa.

"What are you doing?"
"Following the good advice of a friend. Clever man that guy, you would like him. Though sometimes he's a real pain in the ass."

Sirius shot Remus a grin and then he left the room.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

In front of Harry's door Sirius had lost all of his previous courage again. For long moments he just stood there, hand raised to knock but stopped in mid-air and tried to summon all his courage.

'Now or never Sirius. Stop being such a coward, he won't hex you.'

Sirius had never been very good at encouraging himself, but then he decided to stop thinking about it and finally starting to act. He pushed the door open a little and stuck his head into the room.

Harry's bedroom was dark and at first Sirius thought that his godson had already gone to sleep. Just as he was about to turn around again and wait until tomorrow, Harry spoke.

"Still not finished bothering me?"

Sirius turned again and completely entered Harry's bedroom, closing the door behind him. In the dim moonlight that managed to get through the closed curtains, he could detect the outline of his godson on the bed. Harry was turning his back towards him, clutching tightly onto a pillow.

"No. Erm, yes. I mean, I don't want to bother you, there's just something I wanted to tell you before I leave you alone again."

He sighed and made a tentative step towards the bed.

"It's been wrong of me to push you into telling. It's just that things between us aren't what they were before, and I don't like the way they have developed. I'm not angry at you, I'm just sad about it and want to know what caused those things to come in between us. But if you're not ready to talk about everything that has happened, then I'll accept it. I don't think it's good for you to bottle it all up, but it's your decision. I just want you to know that whenever you feel like talking, I'll be there to listen. And I promise that nothing you tell me will make me think less of you. I don't want you to feel that there are things you can't tell me. They might hurt me, or upset me, but I won't think any less of you and nothing you tell me can change the way I think and feel about you, okay? Take your time and come to me when you're ready."

Sirius waited for an answer, but received none.

"Harry?"

Still he received no answer, but by now his eyes had adjusted enough to take a closer look at his godson. Harry was still lying the way he had done before, clutching tightly onto the pillow and staring unfocusedly ahead.

Sirius stepped closer and sat down on the edge of Harry's mattress. Harry didn't acknowledge him at all.

"What's wrong Harry?"

The boy only shook his head.

"Nothing. And everything."

Sirius nodded.

"A pain that definitely is somewhere, only that you can't really say where it hurts. The weight of the world on your shoulders. You want to find a place to hide yourself from the world and just cry it all out. Nobody can really understand it, and you think they're all better off if they don't. You think that you have to go through it alone but deep inside you desperately wish that there was somebody willing to help and understand."

Harry looked up.

"Are you trying to analyze me? Go on then, enjoy yourself."

A sigh.

"Harry, I don't enjoy analyzing you in the slightest. I just happen to know what it feels like to be alone, to have nobody who can even begin to understand what you were and still are going through. I have twelve years in Azkaban to cope with, and I didn't want any body to get close enough to me to realize what that means, either."

"You see? You already have enough to go through, you don't need me to burden you with something else."

Another sigh. This was turning out more difficult than Sirius had imagined. He made a mental note to apologize to Remus for all the times when he had been the one coaxing Sirius into opening up.

"But maybe I want you to. Harry, I know that our fighting, Dumbledore's death, those images of your parents, everything that happened during the night of the attack, that all those things are weighing heavily on you. You obviously don't know how to deal with all that has happened.

Maybe I want you to share whatever you feel with me, because I know that it helps to entrust others with what's going on inside of you. It makes you vulnerable, yes. It even makes it worse for a short time. But it also makes it better in the end. Harry, whatever bothers you right now, it won't go away on it's own."

Harry managed a harsh laugh.

"Oh, and you know the perfect way to make it all vanish, don't you?"

Sirius shook his head.

"No Harry, I don't. But it's not been too long ago that I've been in a similar situation that you are in right now.

Do you remember when Dumbledore told me to 'lie low at Lupin's' at the end of your fourth year?

I had been out of Azkaban for nearly two years then, and I had not spent one single night in my human form because of the nightmares. They haunted me, they brought me back to a place that I would have preferred to forget completely. They brought back all the memories of Azkaban and what I had to endure there. All my guilt, James' death, Lily's death, Peter's betrayal, everything came back to haunt me at night. And instead of facing the nightmares, I chose a way to avoid them. I had thought that I could continue this during my stay with Remus, but it took him only a couple of days to find out. I guess the fur on the bed sheets was a dead giveaway.

And then the two of us had the same conversation that we are having right now. He was trying to make me open up, to share what was going on inside of my mind. And I wanted him to leave me alone, I thought that I could manage it all on my own. I never wanted him to realize how fucked up my life really was because I thought as soon as he realized that I wasn't the friend he had known anymore I'd lose the last bit of our friendship that had remained. We too had a lot of things that still stood between us, that needed to be talked about. But I didn't allow him to start it, because I was afraid that I might hurt him, that I might lose him again, for good this time.

But he didn't let go, he didn't stop pestering me until one night at the end of the first week I completely broke down. I can't recall what triggered it, I just recall that I cried my heart out for all that I was worth. And much to my surprise, Remus didn't go and leave me alone in my misery because he realized that I wasn't the person he had once known anymore. On the contrary, he let me cry on his shoulder until I had let everything out. I must have sobbed myself into exhaustion, it hurt and I felt embarrassed that I had lost it so completely in front of Remus. But somehow it helped. The nightmares didn't go away all of a sudden, but I knew that if I needed him, Remus would be around to help me. And after hours of crying on his shoulder like a little child, waking him up because of a nightmare suddenly didn't seem so embarrassing anymore."

Sirius looked at Harry to see whether he still had the boy's attention. Harry still wasn't looking at him, but he seemed to be listening.

"Have you had a good cry over all of it yet?"

A barely noticeable shake of the head was all Sirius received as an answer. He sighed and put a comforting hand on Harry's shoulder. Whether it was that touch that triggered it or something else Sirius could not tell, but at that moment all the dams inside of Harry seemed to break. A huge sob escaped his lips and Sirius reacted the only way he could imagine. He pulled Harry into his lap and held him close, letting him bury his head in the crook of his neck.

"It's just not fair!"

Sirius said nothing, inwardly knowing that Harry didn't really talk to him, but rather vocalized all his pent up frustration in between the sobbing.

"It's not fair that it all happens to me! I never asked for it! All I ever wanted was a family, but already that seemed too much! Mom and Dad died, you didn't care, Remus didn't care, Dumbledore didn't care! Nobody ever cared!

And then I finally find a place where I belong, and the first thing is that Voldemort comes along and tries to take that away from me as well! People were in danger because they were my friends, just because of that and nothing more!

And of course everybody expected me to go out and defeat Voldemort again, nobody cared that I was just a normal boy, an average under-aged wizard and nothing more. But no - we have to keep Harry Potter alive, he's our tool against the Dark Side. Keeping me alive, that was all they cared for. Left me with the Dursleys because that was safest, not once asking what I wanted. Not asking if I wanted to go there. As long as I kept functioning, then everything was alright. I was nothing but a pawn in other people's games, and nobody ever bloody cared to ask me if I even wanted it. Nobody. Who cares how fucked up The Boy Who Lived is after Voldemort is finally defeated, we don't need him anymore then. Let him pick up the pieces of his life we left, he'll be alright. He's always alright, he's our golden boy!

Nobody ever cared."

Harry's voice broke and Sirius looked at him with wide eyes. He had expected an outburst sooner or later, and he had expected that Harry had accumulated a lot of frustration and hatred against the world inside of him, but he had not expected it to be that bad. And Sirius somehow felt that it wasn't over yet.

When he focussed his gaze on the boy in his arms, he found that tears were running down Harry's cheeks and he was desperately fighting to keep at least a little hold on himself. Harry's hands grabbed the fabric on the shoulders of Sirius' pyjama top so tightly that his knuckles were turning white. When Harry continued, his voice was lower and not angry anymore, but full of sadness and on the verge of breaking.

"I had them back. I had them, not really back but rather really had them for the first time in my life, and then he takes them away from me again. It's all been a plan, he's been fucking with my mind all the time, until I didn't know what was true and what wasn't anymore.

And before I even have a chance to understand what's going on, it's all gone. All gone. In the blink of an eye it's all gone. Doesn't matter to him, doesn't matter to anybody else, but it's been my world that had been turned upside down more than once in a couple of weeks.

Voldemort is dead and all of them say that now everything makes sense. But I don't see it. It doesn't make sense to me. Nothing.

So many people have died, not only Mum and Dad, but so many others. And now Dumbledore as well, gone without telling me where the sense is in that. But everything is supposed to make sense now, everything is supposed to be alright now and I feel as if I'm the only one who doesn't understand anything. I can't go on, not if I don't know how. And why.

My life is in pieces because all of this shit I never asked for, and everybody who could help me is either gone or has been pushed away by me.

It's all my fault. All. My. Bloody. Fault!"

Harry's fists hit Sirius' shoulder blades with each syllable as if to emphasize them. Sirius was at a loss as to what to say now. Not that he thought there were any words that would help Harry now, but he felt he needed to say something, he needed to let Harry know that he was not facing this on his own.

"You're not alone, Harry."

It was barely more than a whisper into Harry's ear, but Harry must have heard it. And that was the moment when he lost the last bit of composure and completely broke down.

Harry cried as if he could do nothing else. If he felt embarrassed about being held like a small child, then he didn't show. But most probably he just didn't care at the moment, all that mattered was that he seemed to have finally found a way to let out all the pent up frustration, anger and pain from inside. Remus might have thought that Harry had cried heavily after waking up in the hospital wing, but it was nothing compared to the violent sobbing that now shook his body. Whenever Sirius thought that Harry was about to calm down again, another hard sob pent up in his lungs and forced its way out.

Sirius once in his life deliberately kept his mouth shut and instead took a leaf out of Remus' book and just restrained to giving his godson a steady shoulder to cry on. He didn't say anything for as long as Harry was crying, he simply held him in his lap and rubbed encouraging circles across his back.

Harry cried for the better part of one and a half hours, and when his breathing finally evened and the tears stopped flowing Sirius realized that Harry had cried himself into sleep. With a small smile, he gently eased Harry back onto the mattress and pulled the blankets over him. He wiped away the last tear track on Harry's face with his thumb, placed a kiss on his hair and got up from the bed. For some moments longer he stood next to the bed and looked down onto his godson.

He knew that Harry was far from being okay again, that their relationship was far from being okay again. He had not completely understood what Harry had been rambling about while he had held him, but he knew that they would talk about it eventually. There was still a long way to go for all of them before Voldemort and what he had done to their lives would eventually become a thing of the past, but this had been one step on the way.

The first step on a difficult road.

With that thought, Sirius turned around and left Harry's room.