I Remember Sirius Black

I remember Sirius Black. He was the most wonderful, warm, true, loyal, noble, wild, reckless idiot I ever met. I miss him more than I ever expected, not just for the time we shared, but for the time we didn't; all the things that should have been, and now never will. He was a small and immeasurably vast part of my life. I wont forget him.

It was like this...

It was exam time, and Anna, joy of joys, was sitting directly behind Sirius Black. Not, of course, that she liked him; he and his friends were stupid, arrogant pigs. Well, not so much Remus, and Peter - well, he wasn't exactly what Anna would have called a friend. He was more of a tag-along, a fan and admirer, of James, for the most part. He was one of many admirers; the "James Potter Fan Club"(mostly female) was quite extensive. Not to mention the "Sirius Black Fan Club"(definitely female). Anna was not a member; she was above such ridiculous girlish nonsense. Although, of course, the fan club had only started out as a bit of a laugh, but now some people were forgetting that. It had escalated into full-on madness. But she had brains, unlike the silly seventh year, Bertha, who had founded both clubs - with much more serious motives than anyone else, (all of them viewed it as a hysterical game) in the hope that she would increase her circle of friends. Or at least, that was Anna's take on the situation. Bertha clearly needed the security of large groups. It was sad, really.

But she could recognise what was important in people - their inner value. Their personality. Who cared if Sirius Black was gorgeous? And he was gorgeous; he had perfect features, he was tall and athletic and he was lolling in his chair with almost criminal casualness. Anna hated him and loved him at the same time.

Oh no! She hadn't finished the paper! Hurriedly scribbling the final answers, she scolded herself. How could she think about boys when her schoolwork was so important? Oh well. She'd do okay. It was her second best subject.

Professor Flitwick collected up the papers, and Anna exited the exam eagerly, meeting her friends at the door. They were talking, predictably, about the Marauders - Sirius, James, Remus and Peters' nickname, which they thought was private, not counting on their habitual eavesdroppers.

"Oh, James is so cute, isn't he? Do you think he'll ever notice me?"

The whole group was giggling, and Anna noticed that all of her friends were in one fan club or the other. Were all her friends so pathetically shallow? There had been a time when the fan-club thing had been a joke.

Alice was now artfully applying lipgloss and mascara at the same time; Marie was in pointless hysterics with Accalia; Bertha was looking superior and whispering in Julies' ear (Anna wondered why she bothered to whisper - she'd tell the whole school anyway), and Sophie was enthusing over James' last spectacular Quidditch match in her ear. Anna wished she could have an intelligent conversation with them occasionally; she was the brain of the group, and she was sure she was the one only there to do the others' homework. It was quite tiring sometimes.

Anna glanced behind her, and saw the Marauders. Get a grip, woman! She thought. Why did her heart skip a beat whenever she saw him? It was a nice feeling, but he wasn't that good looking! She disapproved of crushes, anyway. They were useless and embarrassing and - well, just not rational.

Through the double doors of the entrance hall they went, the sunlight streaming through onto the cold stone floor. Anna felt her spirits soar. It was June, there was only one more O.W.L. to take, the sun was shining and life was pretty good, all in all. It was so much worse out in the world.

Lily came over to ask how the exam went, and Anna felt relieved; at least there was someone who cared about exams, not just mascara and boys. Boys. She hated them. One in particular, gorgeous sod as he was. Git.

They went to sit by the lake, with a clear view of the Marauders. Lily noticed Anna watching them, and smiled.

"Oh, they're so pathetic, aren't they?"

She sighed.

"You like James, don't you?"

"Yes. No. I don't know."

"Arrogant prats. They think they're great."

"Yeah. It's hard, isn't it, Anna? James is so sweet when he drops the stupid act, but - I couldn't go out with him, he's so self-absorbed, he thinks too much of himself - just because he's good at lessons, and a great Quidditch player. And pretty cute too," Lily admitted.

"They'll grow up. They're just stupid teenage boys. Idiots."

Anna grinned. Lily grinned back.

"You like Sirius, don't you? He's not my type, that tall dark and handsome thing, I like -"

"James? And everyone knows he likes you."

"I'll never go out with him, even if he asks a million times. I want someone sensitive, someone who actually cares about someone other than himself. And I don't mean just me, because it's obvious he cares about me. But he doesn't treat other people as if they're human beings. He doesn't see them. They just clutter up the hallways. Like objects. Only he's not doing it maliciously. He just doesn't think."

" Oh, I wish I had your problem. Sirius doesn't acknowledge my existence. Though I would probably say the same as you if he did. But he is gorgeous. Tall, dark and handsome is definitely my type."

"You surprise me. You always seemed the bookish type. Not into boys."

"Yeah, well, books can't kiss you, can they?"

Lily laughed, and Anna could see the beginnings of a friendship. She had never spoken at length to Lily Evans, but she seemed kind and thoughtful, and the conversation was natural. She hoped it would last.

There was a commotion the other side of the lake, and Anna looked up. Sirius and James were standing up, and Anna saw the flash of a spell. Alice, Accalia, Bertha, Julie and all Bertha's Hufflepuff cronies all got up, moving closer. Anna saw someone lying on the floor - Severus Snape, a none-too-popular Slytherin, writhing against some curse and swearing viciously, to sniggers from the crowd.

Lily had run ahead, shouting at James.

"Leave him ALONE!"

"All right, Evans?"

"Leave him alone. What's he done to you?"

"Well...its more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean..."

Lily looked superbly cold. Sirius was sniggering - his attractiveness was deteriorating fast.

"You think you're funny, but you're just an arrogant bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone."

"I will if you go out with me, Evans, go on... go out with me and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."

Anna was surprised at his desperation. He really was besotted. It was rather sad. In a truly awful and pathetic way. She could see where lily was coming from.

"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid!" shouted Lily.

"Bad luck, Prongs."

Anna no longer felt a flutter when Sirius spoke; or rather, an anxious knot in her stomach formed as she fought her instinct.

There was a flash of light, and a nasty cut appeared on James Potters' face - Snape had got to his wand. James retaliated - Snape was upside down in the air, showing his underpants to the crowd.

Alice and the others were laughing; Accalia and Jenny squealed 'Go James!' and many of the fan club girls were shaking their heads disbelievingly at Lily. Anna had only horror and contempt for her supposed friends. Why was this happening?

Lily had her wand out, and she was still shouting. It looked like James had given in.

"...You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus-"

"I don't need help from filthy little mudbloods like her!" shouted Snape. There were mutters. Anna heard Accalia say:

"Turn him upside down again!"

They were as bad as - as the Death Eaters - all this mocking, bullying and stupid grudges. School was where it all started.

"Apologise to Evans!" shouted James.

"I don't want you to make him apologise! You're as bad as he is!"

James couldn't see it at all. He looked horrified.

"What? I'd NEVER call you a-a you-know-what!"

"Messing up your hair because you think its cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, playing with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can- I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with your fat head on it. You make me SICK."

She span round and left. Anna felt like cheering, but it was clear she was the only one.

"Can you believe her?" said Accalia. Vice President, James Potter Fan Club, thought Anna cynically.

"If James asked me out, I wouldn't say no! Is she insane?" said Bertha. President of both clubs, chief Gossip.

"She doesn't know what she's got! I wish Sirius would do something like that for me!" said Julie. Head Stalker, Sirius Black Fan Club. Well, at least that was more understandable...but no! No!

Anna was disgusted with herself and the lot of them. She quickly separated herself from the group, wandering along the sparkling bank of the lake. She sat down, drawing figures of eight on the surface, strangely fighting back tears. She studied her reflection. Why was she friends with them? Did no one see how bad it all was? What did people see her as, hanging round with them? Another giggling girl? She didn't know. And why had it suddenly hit her now?

Anna thought about a lot in a short space of time, the end of that year. Her and Lily fell into a natural friendship, one Anna hoped would last. The Marauders were still as arrogant as ever, and Anna gave Sirius cold looks whenever they passed in the corridors, or met in the common room. It was ironic that in five years of fluttered eyelashes, only now did he look at her twice.

*

Seventh year came to Anna with a lot of grief and pain, and more changes than she would have expected in such a short space of time. Lily was a constant, a good friend, and together they both grew up fast, forced to by the events outside the confines of the school. The same was the case for the Marauders, who grew up, finally becoming serious (-ish, in Sirius' case) and much more grounded, just as Anna had predicted. How could they not? The terror of Voldemort's attacks put shadows and lines on everyone, and they began to realise that there were more important things than Quidditch and fan clubs. Lily eventually said yes to James, when he could prove he had finally grown up. It was inevitable, really - they were right together, despite Lily's first doubts. They were the most wonderful couple in the school, envied by all; Lily was beautiful and James was revered, and they were both clearly besotted, Lily's misgivings overcome. Anna loved them, truly as strong as a friend could.

But Lily & James meant Anna spent a lot more time with the Marauders.

Sirius was the life and soul of the group, and he and James were inseparable - Lily was told she might as well be dating Sirius too. Sirius was a ladies man, well aware of his assets, the kind of man who you kiss passionately then slap round the face. And generally carry on kissing again. He broke almost every girl in the schools' heart - Girls fell at his feet. Anna loved and hated him. He was hilarious.

Sirius flirted unmercifully with her, but never made any other advance. Anna did not believe he was truly interested in her. He flirted with anyone - Professor Sinistra, the Fat Lady, Lily, Professor McGonagall...

"Hey, Anna! Looking dazzling, as always!"

"You always have a new word for how I look. What do you do? Go to bed every night and read a Thesaurus?"

"Dammit, James, she found out! How've things been in my absence?" He put an arm round James and Remus.

"You've only been gone ten minutes!"

"I bet they were the longest ten minutes of your lives! How are you, Remus?"

Anna knew what that question really meant. The full moon was approaching.

"I'm fine, Sirius."

"Good good, now do excuse me Prongs, but Elaine is waiting!"

"Elaine? What, that Ravenclaw who smacked you one? Twice?"

"Oh, I get slapped all the time." Sirius waved a hand dismissively.

"Watch out, you'll get a bad reputation, Padfoot!"

"Really? D'you think so?" Sirius' face lit up. Anna thumped him on the arm.

"We all know you're sweet and thoughtful, really, Sirius."

"No I'm not, I'm an evil womaniser, okay?"

"Aww, cute and cuddly Sirius!" cooed James. Peter giggled.

"You're too...Gryffindor-ish to be an evil womaniser, you don't cheat, you don't send soppy love notes you've got out of poetry books, you never pretend to be anything but what you are-"

"I don't pretend to be what I am! I am what I am!" he spoke in a childish singsong, sticking out his tongue.

"Oh, ha, ha." Anna smiled and headed to the library. Sirius was wonderful to be around, and Anna got an odd jolt of pleasure whenever he spoke - he was fascinating. She could stare at him for hours at a time, watching and listening - not that she did, she was far too busy. The Marauders were all lovely, even Peter - it had become clear that Peter was not just a fan, but a true and trusted friend, affectionately teased and adored.

In the two years that Anna knew Sirius properly, not once did he ever approach her - he seemed nervous of showing any sort of affection towards her, apart from chronic teasing and his usual flirt. This should have told Anna something (it certainly told the others something, especially the way he'd sit staring at her in lessons, like a love-struck schoolboy) but Anna had too many things to think about - N.E.W.T.s were approaching. Only once did he ever show his true feelings about her, on platform 9 ¾, on the very last day of school ever.

He seemed to be having an argument with James, Remus and Peter - he was shaking his head violently, and all three of them seemed to be pushing him. James was laughing and Remus was shaking his head disbelievingly, grinning.

"Anna, can I - can you come over here a second?" It sounded like Sirius was desperately trying to be casual. Anna followed him to a shadowy corner.

He began to speak a though he'd been rehearsing in his head for a long time.

"Anna, for two years I've wanted to say this, since - well, for two years."

He put his hand against the wall inches from her head. Anna had the strong desire to laugh, or put her arms around him and kiss him. But she seemed to be completely paralysed by sheer surprise. And a sudden thrill of excitement...

"You are the most wonderful, beautiful person, in - in every way, and...oh hell, I've never been good at that bit."

And he kissed her.

Suddenly, Anna remembered what would happen when he pulled away. She wanted to hold him as tightly as she could, not let go, for the moment she did, she'd have to tell him, and face it herself - He had left it too late. This wasn't fair. She opened her eyes and could see the Marauders grinning broadly over Sirius' shoulder. They pulled away in unison, Anna feeling wretchedly guilty.

"So," he said, grinning too, "Do you want to meet me some time this summer?"

"Oh, Sirius, I - I can't. I'm going - I've got a job in America. I'm going straight away..."

Sirius looked dumbstruck and heartbroken, and Anna knew that what could have happened, had either of them asked sooner, would haunt them - an immeasurable regret, as they would never know how good it could have been. Anna left the Marauders to comforting Sirius. She walked out of the station and into the world, and didn't see him again until a brief meeting a week before Halloween. He had looked tired and sad and tense but still sparkling, he had smiled at her, he had kissed her, he had spoke of his troubles and listened to hers, then he had left. There was no time for romance in war.

But then it all happened.

Lily and James' funeral was oddly empty and lacking without Sirius and Peter. Even their own son Harry wasn't there - still a baby and as much like James as was possible, but with Lily's beautiful green eyes. Anna was finding it so difficult to connect Padfoot, the vibrant Marauder, with Sirius Black, dark as his namesake, mass murderer and traitor to his best friends. But a lot could have happened, and Voldemort had been powerful. That was his power, to turn hearts and take advantage of everyone's darkest fears.

Remus was hugely affected - Lily, James and Peter dead, Sirius in Azkaban - he was the last Marauder standing. Anna felt infinitely grieved for him, and in their shared mourning came a strong bond of an unforced friendship. A relationship, too, but both of them were smart enough to realise that a relationship born from grief is a bad idea. But gradually, they lost contact, another regret to add to the list. Anna's youth had gone too quickly. Now there was nothing.

The years passed swiftly, and I grew old too soon. In Voldemort's reign of terror, you had to deal with more pain than most people will ever have to, and the lines show it. My own mother, a witch, was killed as a pointless by-product of Voldemort's plans, when I was sixteen. The death affected my life immeasurably, for I sank deeper into my schoolwork and work, and so barely noticed that Sirius Black was interested. A romance that could have happened never did. I came to view this as a good thing, but that was not the end of the story...

Anna sat reading the newspaper in Diagon Alley, shaking her head in disbelief. Sirius Black, escaped! Anna had long since grown to hear his name with disgust, but she could still remember the boy who had kissed her. He had changed, clearly and horrifically, from the vampire-like photo blinking slowly on the front page. Anna had changed, too - she was now a secretary in the Ministry, a hideous waste of her talents, but it was comfortable. Routine. But however much she ignored and denied the impossible desire, Anna sometimes wished she were still an ambitious teenager, kissing Sirius Black at the train station. But she couldn't lose fourteen years. She knew that.

Lily's death still haunted her, and reading the paper on that sunny July morning brought it all back.

"Sirius Black! Escaped! How? Why? Where is he? Sirius Black!"

Anna listened to the frenzied conversations around her, and sighed. They still said the same thing as so long ago - of all the people to have gone to the Dark side, no one would have thought... But that was the power of Voldemort, to break up even the strongest bonds of friendship, to instil doubt, hatred and fear. Anna thought a lot about Remus, but it was a whole year before she actually contacted him. Sirius Black was truly lost, in Siberia for all anyone knew. In fact, that was what the Prophet said.

The owl felt completely inadequate.

Dear Remus,

It has been so long since I have seen you, and I was sitting reading the paper this morning, when I thought of you and decided to write. How are you? I am fine, slaving away for the Ministry. I truly hope you are well.

This letter doesn't seem to say exactly what I want it to; it feels like there's a lot unsaid. In fact, it's pretty useless for at least ten years of no contact, and I feel I should have been responsible for writing to you.

I really would like to see you sometime - there is a lot to talk about.

With love,

Anna

The reply was as short as the letter:

Dear Anna,

Too true, it has been far too long. Don't feel responsible; it's just as much my fault as yours. I feel just as guilty. I didn't think your letter was at all useless; it's much easier to talk face to face.

I'd love to see you too, how about soon? Saturday would be brilliant, why don't you come over? Now you're in London, we're pretty close. The address is easy to find, it's at the top. Feel free to call in.

Yours,

Remus

Anna felt strangely flat and tired after the letter; it had stirred up so many memories, and Anna felt old. A week of work, sleep and vague anxiousness passed, and Anna was eager for the weekend.

On Saturday, she found herself on the doorstep of a shabby, five-storey block of flats, pressing the bell for flat four, then traipsing up the stairs to see her old friend.

"How are you?" he said.

"I'm not sure, to be honest. Beginnings of a midlife crisis, probably."

"You're much too young for that. Come in!" she stepped through the door.

"You look different. A lot older. Well - I mean... you always did look older than you were..."

"I know. You haven't changed a bit."

"You're a liar and a shameless flatterer, Remus. Either that or you're trying to make me feel guilty."

"Honestly!"

"Must be good makeup."

"Want a coffee?"

"Yes please, strong with two sugars. Not too much milk."

"I remember when you used to say coffee was one of the worlds evils."

"You're exaggerating, and God, I need the caffeine."

"Old age and work creep up on you, don't they?"

Anna looked at Remus, and they sighed, trials of the past years shared silently. Anna wanted to hug him and cry, and tell him how wonderful it was to see him, but Anna did not break down and cry in peoples' arms anymore. Remus smiled, a quiet and reassuring, typically Remus smile that made her feel better about the world, though she didn't know why her spirits could rise at such a simple action.

"It has definitely been too long." She grinned. "How goes it here?"

"Pretty good, I am currently unemployed, as is the norm. No thanks to certain members of the ministry."

"Dolores Umbridge, you mean? Of course you do, I've met her actually. She made my skin crawl, she's truly one of the most unpleasant people I've ever met. And she reminds me of a frog. No idea how she got where she is now. Probably her feminine charms."

"I can just imagine Dolores exercising her feminine charms on the Minister."

Anna pulled a revolted face.

"Me too. And speaking of our imbecilic Minister, I don't think Fudge is going to last very long, do you?"

"He's stayed this long. And I think it's an amusing image."

Anna thought of Umbridge fluttering her eyelashes at Fudge, and they both laughed.

"How about you?"

"Same as ever, slaving away in the ministry in a ridiculously low position for the time I've been working there, and how hard I've been working. I'm tired, broke and I need a long holiday."

"Oh, don't we-"

Remus had stopped in his tracks, because a big black dog came gambolling in. It came over to Anna and licked her hand. Remus looked crossly at the dog

"You have a dog? What's its name?"

"Oh, um... Fluffikins." The dog turned round and growled at Remus, comical and very odd behaviour. Remus was smiling now. 'Fluffikins' laid its paws across her lap, and laid its head on them, looking at her endearingly.

"Fluffikins?" Anna laughed. "Are you serious?"

"Don't ask. Fluffikins, Don't give my guest your puppy dog eyes, you rascal," said Remus sternly.

"I never thought of you as the dog person...I guess - Sirius, maybe..." This seemed to amuse Remus greatly, much to her surprise. She had feared mentioning him. 'Fluffikins', however, was looking from Anna to Remus and back. Then he stared questioningly at Remus.

"Don't look at me like that, she's just a friend."

Anna laughed again.

"Pretty smart for a dog."

"They're intelligent animals, dogs. This one is actually pretty stupid."

The dog stopped chasing its own tail to glare at Remus. It came and sat back on Anna's lap, shooting looks at Remus, who looked amused.

"I'd watch out if I were you, he's a bit of a ladies dog."

He barked his approval.

"There's been a few wild parties with the poodle downstairs."

The dog barked again, a bark like a laugh. Anna sighed, reminded of something. She decided the topic had to be brought up.

"I've seen the news recently...no sign of - Sirius Black. It's - funny - isn't it...."

"A bit funny... someone you've known... have you seen the other news?"

This was a quick change of subject. Obviously he didn't want to think about his old friend. Anna felt guilty.

"Yeah...Harry Potter...and Barty Crouch's son...and - Dumbledore..."

Anna was speaking slowly because the Prophet was clearly of the opinion that Dumbledore's claims about Voldemort were rubbish. Anna did not know whether to believe it or not. It was all so impossible.

"Do you believe Dumbledore?"

"I don't know... I mean...I just don't know." Remus seemed to be considering something. He sighed.

"Voldemort returned two weeks ago. I believe it without question."

Anna didn't flinch at the name. Oddly, her mothers' death had broken the habit.

"I'll reserve judgement, because I don't know. I'll be first to apologise if its true... but, if you believe it - oh, I don't know. Like I said, I'll reserve judgement."

Anna was troubled. Could she believe it? Voldemort returned two weeks ago... it just sounded so ridiculous.

"Fancy another coffee?"

"Thanks, where's the bathroom?"

"Just there. What was that? Oh, hang on, I think there's an owl at the window."

Anna came out of the bathroom to hear voices. The dog had gone. Anna listened in to the conversation, puzzled.

"Sirius, would you please just transform back? She's clearly got loyalties to the ministry, and it would be brilliant if you got caught now. Especially with the ministry being fed false information." Sirius? Sirius?

"Relax, Remus, she's still in the bathroom. She's nice, Remus, really nice. Great figure still, and she smells nice, too - white musk. And she's a great kisser, if I remember rightly." Sirius sounded more wistful than envious, but also teasing. Anna forgot for a second that he was a murderer.

"Sirius, it's not like that."

"I know, I remember. You were always close friends in school. Me and her - I still - well...never mind...I always wondered, Remus, was she ever in the fan club?"

"She wasn't on the lists we found, Sirius. Now please can you stay a dog for the rest of the evening?"

"Woof!" he agreed.

Anna was shocked, remembering in full force what he had done. Sirius Black? The dog? And - Remus? Should she run, get the ministry? Get help? Scream, yell, alert the neighbours? She was irresolute, fearful.

The dog snaked round the door.

For a moment, dog and woman stared at each other. Anna took a half step backwards, and Sirius Black realised what she must have heard. Anna opened her mouth to shout for help - someone in the block might hear her - but in one bound, he had crossed the room, and was standing as human directly in front of her. He covered her mouth with one hand, sliding her wand deftly from her fingers with the other. Anna noticed through her fear that he looked healthier than the last pictures of him in the paper.

"Shh, Anna, wait, listen. I'm not a murderer. Sometimes things aren't what they look like. It wasn't me." Anna wanted to believe him. "We can explain it all."

They were still inches from each other, Anna's back to the wall. Instinctively, she believed him. Sirius was looking into Anna's eyes, studying her. Anna's heart was beating very fast, not purely from fear. She was breathing rapidly, too.

He kissed her.

Anna only fought for a moment - he really hadn't changed, it was such a typical, reckless, Sirius thing to do, and Anna was just as eager to kiss him as she had been before. She held on tightly, for as soon as she let go and pushed him away, she'd have to face the fact he was Sirius Black, mass murderer, and did not, could not care about her after what he'd done. Nor she him.

"Bloody hell, Sirius, you move fast. Unhand my guest." Sirius pulled away.

"You know me, Moony, a bit of a ladies' dog." He saw the coffee and grinned. "Is that mine? You're so kind, old friend."

"Less of the old, please. And that's Anna's."

"Ahem. Excuse me."

"Oh yeah, you probably want the explanations, now, don't you?"

"You didn't explain before you kissed her?" Remus asked disbelievingly.

"She didn't seem to mind too much."

He grinned again. Anna tried to make a coherent sentence.

"I did. Or, I do now. I have just been kissed by a mass murderer."

"I told you, it wasn't me. It was Peter."

"That's funny, I thought you killed him."

Anna wondered whether she was going to die. Oddly, she didn't feel frightened. They were old friends - Anna was struggling to find the murderer in Sirius.

"Nope. Despite our attempts."

There was suddenly an ugly look on both friends' faces. Anna didn't like it. Now they looked dangerous.

"I think we might be scaring her," said Remus, smiling reassuringly.

"How exactly did Peter kill himself, and all the muggles that were in the way, when you were facing him with a wand?"

Anna marvelled at her bravery. She couldn't feel scared. She just couldn't. It made no sense.

"He faked it. Killed everyone within twenty feet of himself with the wand behind his back."

"And then he just evaporated, I presume."

"No, Sirius is starting from the end, as usual. You presumably saw that he's an Animagus? Well, all the Marauders were. To keep me company in the full moon." Anna did not need to ask what he meant by this.

"Even Peter?"

"Even Peter. He was a rat. Still is."

"And he betrayed Lily and James."

"Not me. Even though - it was all my fault...I told them to use Peter as Secret Keeper. Secretly. I was so sure Voldemort would overlook Peter and come after me." Anna could see the torture of this in his face, and in her heart believed him. Of all the people to go onto the Dark side, no one would have thought...

There was a sad silence, before Remus sighed.

"Sirius...let it go. You couldn't have known."

"So, Peter faked his own death, and -"

"- I got sent to Azkaban. Which was nice." There was a dark space behind his eyes. Anna couldn't imagine being in pure despair for twelve years. Azkaban was evil. It was a slow execution, being driven to insanity.

"But you escaped. Why then?"

"Because I had to protect Harry. And kill Peter for what he'd done."

"Peter was at Hogwarts, as the pet of Harry's best friend," Remus chipped in.

"I'm Harry's godfather, did you know that?"

"No." Anna truly did believe him, even though her brain was reeling. She could hear herself screaming not to trust them without proof. But it still felt so madly natural to be standing here talking to them. Sirius grinned and clapped his hands together.

"Right, now that's done, can we get back to the kissing bit?"

Anna almost laughed. He hadn't changed.

"No. Who says I believe you?"

She did, but her mind still wanted answers, and she couldn't ignore all reason.

"Oh, damn you, you're making this difficult."

He gave her a puppy dog look. Anna was reminded of so long ago, when everything was different.

"Who even says I want to kiss you again?" Damn her reason. She did want to kiss him. "What about Remus?"

"No thanks, I don't really swing that way."

"Can I hit you?"

"Feel free."

He grinned. Anna felt like the past fourteen years hadn't even happened. But fourteen years didn't vanish.

"Shall I go out?"

Remus was laughing, a young laugh Anna remembered well.

"Yes please."

"That is not what I meant."

"You were enjoying yourself a minute ago." Sirius was sulky.

"Possibly, but there's still no proof of your story."

"I think I need to pop down the shops. Or maybe to a bar," said Remus to the air.

"No you don't."

"We need more milk."

"No. I can't."

"Do you believe me?" Sirius said quietly. Anna looked at him - she had all along.

"Bye bye, you two!"

Remus shut the door.

"Well?" He had stepped nearer. Anna was breathing fast again. Sirius had noticed. He stepped nearer again - they were touching. Sirius put a hand out to touch her, and she felt a thrill of almost fear. But somehow it was more fun that way. To trust without guarantee. She closed her eyes.

"Yes."

*

This sounds like the happy ending, but Sirius had business, and we did not even see each other again. That is the worst of it. A love affair with an escaped convict was a near impossible thing, but he seemed confident that he would be cleared, very soon - I was waiting, though I desperately wished I could be with him in his hiding place. And now, he is cleared. Too late. The Daily Prophet is screaming of Fudges' incompetence, and Sirius' death and the true story are just headlines. It feels false - I cannot believe it.

So now I sit here, crying for Too Late. Grieving for what should have been. Tearing myself apart with regrets. Crying for lost things, lost time and lost people. Crying for the callous uniformity of death. Screaming inside at the pointlessness of everything. The way I felt so many years ago, for Lily, for my mother, has come back again and I am crying more than I thought I could. And I wonder whether it is worth it at all. Why should I keep trying?

But I know I will.

I remember Sirius Black