Somewhere in the Wind

I don't know if you can see
the changes that have come over me
In these last few days I've been afraid
that I might drift away
So I've been telling old stories, singing songs
that make me think about where I came from
and that's the reason why I seem
so far away today

Ah, but let me tell you that I love you
and I think about you all the time
Caledonia, you're calling me and now I'm going home
but if I should become a stranger
you know that it would make me more than sad
Caledonia's been everything I've ever had

I have moved and kept on moving,
proved the points that I needed proving,
lost the friends that I needed losing,
found others on the way
I have kissed the ladies, left them crying,
stolen dreams, yes, there's no denying
I have travelled hard, sometimes with conscience flying
somewhere in the wind

Dougie Maclean - Caledonia

~ ~ ~

As I slowly opened my eyes and blinked at the bright square of light that had stirred my sleep, I felt something move drowsily next to me, mumbling and moaning a bit as it did so. I slowly forced my body out of its slumber and sat up, leaning against the bed frame. Too tired to get up and pull the curtains over the window, through which the mocking sun was glaring, I faced away from it and looked down at the snoozing creature next to me, steadily holding my hand in its sleep. The dark, long hair was one big mess around its head and the face was buried somewhere in the depths of the pillow.

I stared at the man for a long while, taking in every aspect of this very odd moment. Though I could clearly see his breathing underneath the covers, hear his low snores and feel the scent of his skin I couldn't believe any of it. The situation was so absurd, so completely improbable. It had all happened so fast I found it hard to recall what had acctually happened. The last few days, I'd had even fewer opportunities to stop and think; to take in all the terrible and beautiful events that had taken place lately. Lying in bed, I carefully faltered to try to grasp the situation I had ended up in. It wasn't very easy.

How had I ended up here, back in this very same moment I had been in so many times before, but so long ago? I considered the possibility of it all being a dream, but even though I wanted to believe it, I knew it was untrue.

A mixed feeling of fright and an unbelievable happiness as well as the strong urge to burst out in tears bubbled inside of me. I didn't know what to make of it all. Was this it; was this the wind changing for me? Was it my turn this time, my turn to get a chance at happiness? And if so, was I going to take it? Could I handle it? All the years of solitude, were they coming to an end? I imagined it and the scene looked so beautiful in my head... Finally, brought together with the love of my life - perhaps thanks to that very love - and this time, nothing could stop us.

Of course, it wasn't that easy. It could never be that easy, there were so many things in the way. Perhaps that's why I was so afraid to believe he was really back, because I was so afraid to lose him again and leave me heartbroken and scarred once more. I was aware of how frail the years had made me and a defeat like that would certainly have been the end of me.

I glanced back at that night when it all had come crashing against me, that confusing, terrifying night, and I couldn't help myself from thinking that it was all strangely beautiful, looking back upon it now and knowing what had come after.

I remembered the feeling of realisation, the cold sweat breaking out, the warm feeling of nervousness in my stomach and the pounding of my weak heart. And most of all I remembered seeing him, for the first time in too many years. He looked horrible; dirt everywhere, his once so smooth hair now tangled and torn, his emaciated face, the glimpse of madness in his dark eyes and the prison clothes hanging of his bony body like they had been handed down to him from someone twice his size. I remembered the expression on his face changing when I hurried into the room and for a second I was sure he was going to hex me with his stolen wand, thinking I was someone else disguised as me, but then relief streamed over his face and he took me into his arms in a warm embrace.

He was moving now, rubbing his face against the pillow and letting out small sounds of tiredness. I placed a hand on his head and gently stroked his hair. His eyes opened and he looked up at me, glimpsed over the pillow with weary eyes, and mumbled what I supposed was a "Good morning". We looked at each other for a couple of seconds, quiet and still.

How I had missed those eyes. How many tears I had spilled over my longing for this man.

"Are you okay?" Sirius asked in a hoarse voice. I nodded - I couldn't bear to speak.

"This can't be true," I thought to myself. "You're not supposed to be here." Nevertheless, I felt a warmth in my heart as he crawled up in my lap, laying an arm around my waist and glancing up at me. As I touched the skin on his shoulder with my fingertips, I though again about how incredibly improbable this all was. "You broke out of Azkaban, for Merlin's sake. No one has ever done that. Ever. But you did."

Part of me wanted to believe the reason he could get out of prison when no one else had ever been able to was because his love for me forced him to do it - it helped him bear through the endless nights and days in that hell of a place. Another part was just happy he was back, no matter how or why he had done it. The important thing was that he was here now - nothing beside it seemed to exist, nothing else mattered. I found it unlikely that outside the walls of that bedroom, a whole world was spinning, without one thought to the moment taking place between these four walls. How could the world not see, how could it just continue like nothing had happened? To me, in this moment, this was everything. He was everything.

"Moony?" he said, his eyes closed and his head leaning relaxed against my stomach.

"Yes?"

"Do these things really happen - I mean in real life?"

I didn't answer. What was life? And what was real? And did it all even matter - as long as I was happy?

I closed my eyes and searched deep in my chest. Feelings swam around in there like shoals of fish. Relief - knowing he was innocent, that he was alive. Fright - what happens now? Were they going to lock him up again? Nervousness, because so much time had passed - how do we deal with it? Affection and warmth. I had missed him so much, and to finally feel him again was more wonderful than anything could ever have been.

But happiness?

I had to search deeper for that. Because there was so much else clouding my mind and my heart, the feeling of just being happy had crept deeper into me, gone into hiding for the moment. But I lured it out and it was blissful.

As I opened my eyes again, Sirius was looking at me. I smiled at him. I couldn't help myself. He sat up next to mean and leaned in to kiss me carefully. We were still both a bit shy - after all we had only just met again after twelve years apart, so of course the situation was a bit tense. But if I knew anything about Sirius, it was that with him, things soon start to feel simpler, lighter to carry. I silently thought to myself that if we just let time take its toll, the feelings in me and everything going on around us would soon calm down. I worry too much, as he had told me so many times when we were younger. Though everything that had taken place during those twelve years still ached in me sometimes, I could finally see an end to it. I saw Sirius as my saviour, the one to bring me out of my misery.

"I've really missed you," he said calmly. I looked at him, smiling still. I put my lips to his forehead and gently whispered, "I wish we could freeze this moment and stay here forever."

"Maybe we can," he whispered back.

I glanced out through the window for a moment. Different winds were blowing out there than in here and the world remained oblivious of what tender emotions were encircling the two of us just then. The sun was still shining, but it was no longer mocking me. It shone with a lighter feeling now, a promise of hope and of - dared I even think it - just being happy. I smiled and kissed Sirius' forehead one more time, then I took him in my arms and held him tight.

"I'm so glad you're finally back," I said.

I could feel his lips against my naked shoulder as he silently replied in a weak voice, "I'm never leaving you again."