Lupin's Letter

I love you. You know that, don't you? I hope so, though I don't think I've ever actually said the words.

You're all I can think about. It sounds rather ridiculous, doesn't it? Here I am, a middle-aged man who's in the middle of a war, and who's about to turn into a savage beast in four night's time; yet all I can think of is you.

Tonks. My dear, wonderful Tonks. What are you doing right now, I wonder. I hope Scrimgeour isn't giving you too much hassle. Perhaps you're simply busy stopping some toilets from regurgitating their contents. Perhaps you're in the middle of a battle with a Death Eater. Perhaps you might die. Oh, please, God do not die! You really could, and then what would I do? You just can't. I don't know what I'd do, not even having the chance to tell you how I feel.

But I can't. Nymphadora, you don't understand. I can't tell you how I feel; I just have to hope you can guess. And I know, I know, you think I'm heartless, or else incapable of feeling. But... I just can't do it. I love you so much and I'm scared.

Everyone I've ever known has left me. I can't risk it again. It started with James and Lily, then Peter, then Sirius. Sirius. He was practically my brother this past year. And then he left me again, he left me twice. Mum, Dad, they've all gone. The only girlfriend I've ever had left me in sixth year.

I can't risk it happening again. Once is enough; this is... It's too much.

You could get hurt, being close to me. Everyone else has. I've always been seen as the quiet one, the one everybody can trust. Harry trusted me; he got a godfather in return. I had something close to a friend for one year, imagine that. The closest thing to a friend I'd had for thirteen years, and it's a thirteen-year-old boy. Unlucky for some, that number. In the Muggle World, they'd have had me hung for being friendly with a boy so young. Not of course that anything sinister went on. Except perhaps a werewolf daring to get to know the boy-who-lived.

But in the end, I hurt Harry too. Not only did I leave him, thinking that now that he had Sirius I wouldn't be needed, but I lost him Sirius too! If only I'd convinced Padfoot to stay at home. Why, why, didn't I make him stay? I was the one who told him of Snape's message, I should have just left him with Buckbeak, pretended everything was fine. He'd have hated it, hated me for doing it, but at least he'd still be alive.

Don't you see, Dora? I hurt everyone. I'm a horrible person, I could have saved all these people and I didn't and I don't know why. I don't know why I didn't make the choice of keeping someone alive! Every day I live with these thoughts, knowing that if I'd have just told Prongs about Peter's strange disappearances they wouldn't have made him the Secret Keeper; if I'd said to Mum I'd go to Diagon Alley instead, a Death Eater wouldn't have killed her on the way. It's all my fault.

If I could turn back time, I would. If I could manipulate a time-turner to take me back to that fateful October night and change events, I'd do it. I'd change everything. I'd save James and Lily, save Sirius from Azkaban, send Peter to Azkaban, save Mum, Dad. If I could do that, then maybe I could let myself be with you.

And I haven't even considered the rest. Just what do I have to offer? A great big nothing; I have no money, no job; I've barely even got any clothes. I practically live off charity: Sirius, the Weasleys, I've even taken help from Harry for Merlin's sake. Not money- that would be the final nail in the Lupin-is-a-loser coffin- but he left me his Uncle's old hand-me-downs. I'm wearing third-hand clothes, and there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm worthless, Dora. A worthless, old (Old! I'm old enough to be your father!), filthy man. What can I offer you, honestly? It's pure madness you'd even consider being with me in the first place. You should be with a nice boy like Charlie Weasley. He's brave, has money and probably knows how to treat a lady. That's what you deserve, not some washed-up old codger. You could have anything you want; the world is your oyster. You're beautiful, intelligent, kind, lovely... I don't deserve to ever have you. I'd let you down, in the end. I always do.

I must have been stupid to even think I'd be a positive influence on students. Me, a teacher? I'd tear their throats out in a second, when the moon is full. I'd tear yours out too, you do know that? I could kill you and while transformed I'd enjoy it. I'd love it. Of course, there's Wolfsbane, but what if I forget to take it? I did when I was teaching during Harry's third year, another reckless mistake by yours truly. It really was my fault that Wormtail escaped. If I'd just taken my sodding potion, two gulps before I raced out the door, everything - everything - would have turned out different. And therein is the truth of how dangerous I am. One stupid mistake and the whole course of the future changes.

You'd end up dead, or worse.

That can't happen to you, you have so much to live for! I couldn't bare being the one responsible for something bad happening to you. I love you, I really and truly do. If I just weren't so dangerous, so horrid and worthless, I'd be with you in a heartbeat. I would.

God, Dora. I don't know what to do anymore. All I can do is think of what might have been, and blame myself. It makes me feel better, in a sick and twisted sort of way.

I love you... (I wish I didn't).

Your Moony.