Alone... Always Alone

I walked to dinner. Alone. Always alone. My eyes were dead and no spark of life burned in them. I knew I frightened the younger years. Entering the Great Hall, I took a seat the farthest away from the Trio that I could. Hermione worried for me and always bothered me by asking if I was all right. As if I would be. For someone so smart, she was surprisingly blind. I sat there numbly. I was about to reach for the food when I felt someone pelting my back with a peanut. I fought the anger. I tried to eat. I could not swallow.

Standing up, I knew they had gotten the better of me and that they knew it. I walked off abruptly. I nearly ran into Malfoy. He just smirked at me, muttering under his breath. I did not take the time to realize that he refrained from speaking his mind as he always did. I just ran off to the tower.

~*~*~*~

This happened for many weeks. I was only sheltered from the attacks when I sat by the Trio. Ron would have killed them. I never knew their faces; I never wanted to know. I just ate a few bites of food and left. I grew thin and pale. Alone. Always alone. No one cared. The Trio was blind. I had a small hope someone would see. But that diminished my 5^th year.

The castle was dark. The snow blew around the castle. My hand held a small pocketknife...

My eyes cleared and I jumped. That was not normal. I was walking back to the tower, I saw. I did not remember dinner. I walked down the hall very quietly, against the wall to not be seen. Then a pair of hands grabbed mine that pulled me into a dark, empty classroom.

I shivered. Lips were against my skin, my cheeks, my forehead, my ears, my neck. Arms were around me, holding me close and refusing to allow me to go. Not that I could. I surrendered to this violation. It was like Tom. Tom, and his manipulative ways, were always enticing. Even if he nearly murdered me... I had loved his power to silence me. I was always silent. Since I met him.

As that memory flittered across my mind, I regained presence of mind to try and push away my captor. He merely grinned... I know he did, despite the dark. Arms tightened around me. I expected that. When I resisted, I only was controlled more. I smiled. This was like Tom. I missed this. He kissed my skin a few more times before leaning towards my ear. I shivered again as his warm breath hit my cold ears.

"I see past your mask of innocence and happiness. I know you're alone..." - Alone. Always alone. - "...and very distant. Even to those who think they know you."

I somehow pushed him away. I just stared into the depths of darkness before reaching into my robes for my wand.

"Pulling away from the one that knows your secret, but yet you're still here. You must be starved for attention, even if it is from a Slytherin." I did not know who it was. I was going to find out. I muttered a spell that lit my wand, and glared, as I knew who it was.

"But it's so more then your precious Harry has ever done, isn't it?" Malfoy smirked.

I slapped that smirk right off his face. I ran from the room.

~*~*~*~

I'm standing in the Great Hall, ignoring the world around me that seemed so happy. I was alone. Alone. Always alone. I was staring out the window at the mass of snow. Everyone was here. Hence why I ignored everything. I was dressed in an icy blue dress with sparkles that brightened like ice crystals. My hair was curled to perfection. Make-up was spread on my face delicately and my eyes were covered with an icy color to match my dress. I did it for Hermione. She was always concerned about me, even if she never tried to find out more. I had been over at this window all night. No one had noticed me.

...Blood ran down my hands, and I smiled cryptically at the message on the ground...

My eyes cleared again. I sighed. It was happening again. I walked around the room silently, close to the walls, wishing people to not see me. I reached the door and pushed through. I breathed with relief when the freezing air hit my face. I had no cloak or shawl. I was cold. It was horrible. It was comforting.

I walked around the frozen grounds. I stopped in front of the statue of Calliope. I closed my eyes and felt completely subdued. But so very alive. I did not hear the footsteps. I just felt the arms around me, with hands stroking my stomach and hips. I leaned back, melting again. I know who it was this time, and yet I allowed it. I brought my hands up to wrap around his neck. He twisted me around and his fingertips pulled lightly at my hips, commanding me to follow around the statue, hidden from view.

I felt those lips against my skin again. Never did his lips touch mine though. He kissed my neck; going so low because of the dip in the dress... color mounted my cheeks. I pulled up his chin and brushed my lips against his. Comfort... fear... sadness... love... death... life... emotions washed around me. I forgot where I was. Just that Draco held a life force essential to my being. My hands gripped his hair. I think I had him surprised in retrospect. I only remember vaguely the hands that stroked my back and held me close, the hands that refused to let me leave. I held him down, drinking from his soft but cold lips all I needed to survive. All I was was on fire. I burned with life.

Eventually, after the general shock had subsided, Draco pushed me away. He walked off with the words...

"That was not supposed to happen."

...My toes were numb... I wasn't wearing any shoes... blood dripped to the snowy ground...

I gripped the statue. I fell. I could not withhold the torrent of emotions that assaulted me. I laughed, a high-pitched, unstable laugh. Some at the ball heard it... the Trio did. They recognized it as mine.

~*~*~*~

Ron found me. I was pale as the snow around me, camouflaged in my icy dress. Only the wet, stringy strands of my red hair were visible. He screamed for Harry and Hermione, and knelt next to me, but could not touch me in a fear. I heard him in an echo of my mind. So far away...

I looked like an icy corpse. My hands were clasped against my heart. Ron screamed again. My lips were blue with cold... and tears had frosted on my cheeks. Harry and Hermione arrived. Ron was useless. He was afraid to touch me. Somehow Harry and Hermione managed to carry me to Madam Pomfrey. And that is where I awoke. Alone. Always alone.

~*~*~*~

I snuck around more then ever after that. No one went near me and I was glad because of it. I avoided them as much as they did me. I only answered teachers. But I spoke one day. The days Malfoy pulled me into a broom closet.

"Why?"

"I find your sullen appearance very alluring."

I remained distant as he kissed my body. Eyes dead. No response. This was not what he wanted...

...The pocketknife was silver; the handle had a dragon etched into it...

...I smiled as he leaned over me, forcing me to arch my back into him, kissing my lips softly but forcibly. Oh, by God this reminded me of Tom. Commanding me to silence. I loved the feeling. He slowly pushed me against a wall. I bit his lip. He only grinned, it was the desired distraction from my hands as I dug into his robe's pockets. I knew it was there. I had seen him pull it out and show his ratty friends. I grabbed the pocketknife. He eventually pushed away from the wall and me, not noticing I had his knife in my hand... it was too dark to tell. He left me there... alone, always alone. But I did not weaken as I had previous times. I was collected. I did not notice my shoes were gone.

I walked back out of the broom closet. I snuck to the doors and out to the grounds... I hid behind the statue of Calliope. Smiling at the pure snow around me, I opened the blade. It had a jagged edge. I dug it into my hand. Then my hand spelt words on the snow. I was so cold. My feet were frosting... they were bare. I did not dwell on this. It was going to happen and has happened before. The words were done. They formed a circle around me. I curled up in a ball. Then I dragged the blade up my wrists. I barely survived Tom. I would not attempt to survive Draco's manipulative ways as well. I smiled... the smile that froze on my face, as I died, the dark light in my eyes fading away. The words curled around me as the world stood still.

"Alone... always alone."