Fears: Part 1

August 2, 1971

Dear Diary,

I just got back from Diagon Alley. It was absolutely amazing. We first went to Gringotts, the wizard bank, and exchanged our money for Sickles, Knuts, and Galleons. And you'll never guess who runs Gringotts! Goblins! And I always thought they were just make believe. So much for that theory. Mum and Dad bought me an owl so I can send them letters while I'm at school. I named her Carrie. I figured since she is carrying letters, it should relate to that. I met a nice witch in the robe shop named Molly Prewett. She has red hair just like mine and is the sweetest thing. Petunia didn't say much while we were there. I think she was a bit jealous, but I know she'd never admit she is. We bought all of my books. You'll never guess the kinds of classes I'm taking; Potions, Defence Against the Dark Arts, Charms, Transfiguration, Herbology, and History of Magic. I'm really looking forward to Charms. The man in the wand shop, Mr. Ollivander, said that the wand I got is great for charm work. It's 10 ¼ inches, swishy, and made of willow. I learned about all of the houses at the school. There's Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. The Gryffindor symbol is a lion. The Hufflepuff symbol is a badger. The Ravenclaw symbol is a raven, of course. And the Slytherin symbol is a snake. The magic world is so interesting. Who knew there was another world that I never knew about? Well, I had better go. Mother is calling me for supper.

Love,

Lily

Harry carefully closed the cover of his mother's diary. The cover looked close to falling off and some pages stuck out from the side of the book, looking as though they had been partially ripped out.

Harry glanced at his watch on the bedside table. It read 11:58.

He placed the book on the table and took off his glasses, placing them next to the diary. He lay back on his bed, waiting for Hermione to arrive the next morning to take him to Grimmauld Place. He wasn't looking forward to it, but deep down, he wasn't dreading it either.

Ding Dong

The doorbell rang early the next morning. Harry awoke with a start. He was sure he only got a few hours of sleep, but groggily rolled out of bed and walked downstairs to answer the door.

Harry peeked through the peek-hole and saw Hermione's smiling face.

He slowly opened the door.

"Oh, Harry! I've missed you so much!" she squealed, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"I've missed you, too, Hermione," Harry said uncomfortably.

"Well, er, I'll let you get dressed," she said, looking at his t-shirt and boxers.

Harry's face got very hot. He hoped his face wasn't turning as red as he thought it was. He managed to give her a nod before running up the stairs and slamming the door to his room.

He quickly dressed in a black t-shirt and a pair of blue jeans. He returned down the stairs where he found and Petunia and Hermione caught up in conversation.

"Harry, why didn't you tell me you were having a friend over?" Aunt Petunia asked sounding slightly annoyed.

"Sorry," Harry muttered, not really caring that he forgot to tell her.

"Well, no use crying over spilled potion," Aunt Petunia said.

Harry stared at his aunt in amazement. "Spilled potion?"

"Didn't I say it right?" she asked.

"Well, yes, but where on earth did you hear that?" Harry asked confusedly.

"Your mother and father used to say it."

"Oh," Harry said. There was a long pause as Harry brought in what his aunt had just said.

"Er," Hermione started. "You have a lovely house, Mrs. Dursley."

"Oh, dear, call me Petunia," she requested.

Harry felt like he was in an alternate universe. "Hermione, could you help me pack?"

Aunt Petunia gave Harry a sly glance, knowing that Harry had never unpacked his belongings in the first place. Luckily, Aunt Petunia didn't say anything.

Hermione followed Harry to his room.

"Harry, you're already packed," she noted as she entered his room.

"I know," he said, "but I really need to talk to you... and Ron, but if I don't tell someone now then I don't think I'll ever be able to tell anyone."

"Is it about Sirius?" Hermione asked hopefully.

"No," he said, looking a bit confused. "It's about the prophecy. Dumbledore told me who made it and what it said."

"Yes?"

"It was made by Trelawney, just after my birth. It said that neither Voldemort nor I can live while the other lives. In other words-"

"One of you has to kill the other," Hermione finished his sentence.

Harry nodded.

Hermione's eyes filled with tears. She wrapped her arms around Harry's neck, burying her face in his t-shirt. Harry returned the hug and gently rubbed her back, unsure what to do.

"Harry," she whispered. "I think we need to talk."

Hermione backed away and sat down on the bed. "We've all been really worried about you."

Harry opened his mouth to argue but closed it as Hermione continued. "Whenever we sent you letters, we never get answers. We'd try to contact you any way we could but I feel like you're... distant."

Harry sat down on the bed next to her. "Hermione, I'm sorry. I was just so angry. I didn't think you'd want to hear from me. You remember how angry I was last year, and that was before..." Harry couldn't finish his sentence. 'Before Sirius died...' he thought.

"I know, Harry. I know," Hermione whispered soothingly, pulling Harry into her arms.

Harry felt so cold inside, but so warm in Hermione's loving arms. He could sense something was on her mind as he pulled away.

"Harry, are you afraid of death?" she asked.

"I'm not going to lie to you, Hermione. I'm terrified at the thought of death, but that's not my worst fear, if that's what you're asking," Harry told her honestly.

"What is it? I know it's not the dementors anymore."

Hermione was right. He wasn't afraid of the dementors. He could defend himself against them now. Harry thought hard. 'What am I most afraid of?' Harry asked himself. Then it hit him.

He could feel tears burning in his eyes.

"Harry? What is it?" Hermione asked.

"You..."

"What about me?" she asked. "You're not afraid of me, are you?"

"No," Harry answered shaking his head. "I could never be afraid of you."

"Then what is it?" she asked.

"I'm afraid of losing you," he told her.

"But, I thought-"

"You thought that Voldemort was my worst fear," he assumed.

Hermione nodded. "But why me? Why not Ron?"

"Because, Hermione, I am madly in love with you; I have been since I first met you on the Hogwarts Express in our first year.

"I don't want to lose you. Everyone I've ever loved has died..."

"You can't love me," Hermione told him.

"Why not?" he asked. "You are perfect. Give me one reason why I can't love you."

"We are best friends!" she yelled.

"Plenty of couples start as best friends!" Harry shot back.

"Harry! You're like a brother to me!" she said.

"But you're not like a sister to me!"

"At one point, Harry, I loved you, but it's too late," she said.

Harry opened his mouth to speak, but wasn't sure what to say.

"I loved you in our fourth year, but you didn't realize it, so I dated Viktor to make you jealous. Since you didn't notice, I stayed in contact with Viktor.

"He got angry when I didn't visit him over the holidays and he dumped me," she told Harry, her voice starting to crack. "What makes it all worse is the fact that we didn't stay friends."

"And that's why you can't love me? Because stupid Viktor Krum broke you heart?"

"It's more than that, Harry!" she yelled. She immediately lowered her voice and said, "I'm afraid I'll lose you as a friend.

"Harry, I get this wonderful feeling when I'm with you, like I just come to life, and I don't want to lose it," she told him.

Harry felt his heart shatter into a million little pieces and then poke at his insides. "Hermione, the last thing I want to do is hurt you. That feeling, I get it too. Whenever I look into your eyes and when I hear your voice. That's how I know that you're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with."

"You say that now, but it starts with the little fights that Ron and I have, and the next thing you know..."

"What? Do you think I'll leave you?" Harry asked.

"Yes!" Hermione bawled. "That's what I'm most afraid of!"

"Hermione," Harry whispered, "I could never do that. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't."

"Harry! Hermione! Lunch is ready!" Aunt Petunia called.

Hermione immediately hopped up from her spot on the bed and ran out of the room.

Harry merely stared at his blank bulletin board, a plan forming in his head.

He moved to his desk and pulled out a piece of parchment and a pen.

Dear Hermione,

You are the best thing that ever happened to me. You are always there for me, and I don't want that to change, so I'm not going to make you love me. I can't make you do anything; you're too smart for that. You helped me save the stone from Quirrell, you solved how people were being petrified, you took me back in time to save... Sirius, you taught me all of the spells and hexes I needed for the Triwizard Tournament, and you gave Umbridge exactly what she deserved. You are amazing. And you are the only girl woman I could ever see myself with, so I'm leaving you. I'm leaving this world. I'm ending everything. I'm going to defeat the man who has taken away everyone I've ever loved except you. I'm off to find Sirius after that. My new greatest fear: Death.

I love you,

Harry James Potter

Harry folded the parchment into quarters, wrote Hermione's name on the front, and pinned it up on his bulletin board, hoping Hermione would find it there.

He opened his trunk and grabbed his wand and a handful of gold.

Harry quickly opened the window, knowing Hermione would be back shortly to ask where he was. He quickly climbed out the window, down the drainpipe.

Harry peered in the kitchen window and spotted Aunt Petunia and Hermione chatting freely.

With one last look at the love of his life, he walked away. His worst fear had been fulfilled; he had lost his true love, his Hermione.

He walked away, refusing to look back. He was ready to face his new fear. He was ready to face death, head-on.

Fin