Harry Potter and the Killer Toilets

"Hey, Hermione, did you finish that essay for McGonagall?" my best friend, Harry Potter asked.

"Of course, didn't you?" I asked, looking at him skeptically.

"What do you think?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Ugh. How will you ever learn if you don't do your own homework? That's the whole point of doing it," I said.

"So, can I copy yours?" Harry asked hopefully.

I sighed. On one hand, I wanted to say 'no', but I couldn't. I seemed to have a hard time saying 'No' to Harry. I groped around inside my bag and found the essay. I pulled it out and handed it to him.

"Thanks. You're the best," he grinned at me.

I couldn't stay mad at him for long. I grinned back.

Ron Weasley joined us at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall.

"She let you copy?" Ron asked, incredulously as he sat down and looked at the essay next to Harry's arm, which was lying on the table.

"Yup," Harry replied, cheerfully.

"How come when I asked you if I could copy your Potions essay last week, you said 'no'?" Ron asked, sounding hurt and suspicious.

"Because..." my voice trailed off.

How was I going to explain to him that I liked Harry more than a best friend? I mean, I knew I should've let Ron copy, I felt bad that I didn't now. I didn't want to turn them against each other either. Ron would think that I favored Harry and then it would go down hill from there.

"Tell you what. You can copy this essay because I know you haven't done yours either. Am I right?" I asked.

Ron blushed, the tips of his ears turning pink. "No. Okay. Thanks."

Harry looked over at the Slytherin table. "Ooh lookit. Malfoy is trying to impress a girl."

We followed his gaze. Malfoy was acting weird in front of a pretty Slytherin girl that had curly blond hair and blue eyes.

"The only way he'd impress a girl is if he got a bikini wax and if he grew certain 'parts'. Then I think a girl would be impressed," I replied.

Harry laughed. "I think he'd look good as a girl too!"

Ron snorted. "That's scary. If that was the case, the entire school would be in lock down and everyone would be given a dreamless sleep potion because no one would get sleep. They'd all be traumatized for years."

Harry and I laughed at that.

"Anyone who sees Malfoy robe-less would probably have to consider their options as: poke their eyes out, seek therapy, or just run screaming around the room several times," Harry said.

I snorted at that. "If that was me, I'd poke my eyes out."

"I'll be right back," Harry said, standing up from the table.

"Where are you going?" Ron asked as he and I looked up at him.

"To take a dump, I'm going to the little wizard's room," Harry replied, rolling his eyes.

He began leaving the Great Hall.

"If he takes a dump outside the bathroom, I think he's going to have to get his glasses checked," Ron said turning to me.

About five minutes later, Harry returned rubbing the back of his head and cringing.

"What happened?" I asked concerned.

"I fell and hit my head in the bathroom. One of the sinks was leaking," he replied.

He shook his head and peered over my shoulder. He cried out and pointed. I turned around. There was nothing there.

"What's wrong?" Ron asked.

"There's a killer toilet behind you! It has teeth and eyes and everything! It's trying to bite my ass!" Harry cried.

Ron nearly choked on his pumpkin juice and I sat there with a blank expression on my face.

"Harry. Are. You. Feeling. Okay?" I asked, slowly.

"Run, Hermione! It's coming!" Harry yelled.

He sounded like a scared little girl. His voice had come out in higher octaves than normal. Harry leaped from the table and ran screaming from the Great Hall.

Ron and I looked at each other.

"Hmm...either he hit his head too hard or he's really flipped his wig," Ron said, slowly.

Shaking my head, Ron and I followed Harry. We found him hiding under one of the tables in the Gryffindor common room.

"Is it gone?" he asked.

"Is what gone?" Ron asked. "The toilet."

Harry nodded.

"There's nothing there, mate," Ron said.

"I see toilets. They're coming after me and trying to bite me on the butt! They want to take me down into their world," Harry whispered.

Ron went to snort, but I smacked him up the back of the head.

"Harry. There's nothing here," I said, softly.

"Oh, yes. They're here," Harry said quietly. "They're mad because I took a dump in a toilet that was Out Of Order."

Ron went to snort again, but this time he cringed as if he knew I was going to hit him again.

"Um, Harry? I think you need to see Madam Pomfrey," I said. "Come on out."

Harry carefully climbed out from underneath the table.

"Harry, what would happen if you had toilet paper stuck between the cheeks?" Ron whispered.

"They'd use that as a line and bite you!" Harry replied.

"Ron! Stop feeding into him!" I scolded reprovingly.

"What? I didn't do anything," Ron said, innocently.

"Come on, we're taking you to Madam Pomfrey," I said, as I linked arms with him and we headed out of the common room, Ron in tow behind us.

I explained what happened to Madam Pomfrey.

"Hmm... I think right now we're going to have to wait and see. This might be temporary," she replied.

"Hey, Harry. There's a killer toilet with a huge submarine floating in it!" Ron whispered to Harry.

He pointed to a corner.

Harry looked and then screamed like a girl. He began running in circles around the hospital wing.

"Must leave. Bite my butt. Can't get sucked into their world," Harry was saying as he began running in circles continuously.

I glared at Ron. He seemed to find this amusing while I found it very serious.

He looked like a broken record running around in circles.

"It's coming, Harry! It's going to try and make you sit on it!" Ron cried.

Harry screamed again like a prissy girl and then fled from the hospital wing altogether.

"Ron. You are not helping this!" I snarled at him. "Harry's sick!"

Ron grinned. "He's fine, Hermione. Madam Pomfrey said it's temporary."

"She said it 'might' be temporary! If not, you're permanently damaging Harry!"

"Harry's brain was damaged before he smacked his head on the floor," Ron teased.

I glared at him and then stormed after Harry. Ron followed me.

"There's one in the corner trying to launch a submarine at me! That's how they suck you into their world!" Harry cried.

Ron rolled with laughter.

"Harry. There is nothing there," I said, soothingly.

Harry looked at me.

"You don't see it. Do you?" he asked standing in front of me.

His eyes almost seemed wild.

"The toilets are after us for using them so much. It's a conspiracy!"

Ron continued to laugh hard.

"Harry." I began but Harry shook his head.

"It's finally here. The Toilet Wars are beginning! We're not safe anywhere!"

I checked my watch. It was time for Potions class.

"We're late for Potions."

We headed down to the dungeon.

Malfoy was late to class. He entered the class with a toilet seat around his neck.

"You see?" Harry whispered to me.

"Mr. Malfoy, what on earth are you doing with a toilet seat around your neck?" Professor Snape demanded.

"He's trying to make a home in it!" a Gryffindor called.

The Gryffindors roared with laughter.

"He was trying to play with the toilet toys and he got stuck!" another Gryffindor shouted.

More laughter rang out.

"I went to use the bathroom and it exploded!" Malfoy said, as he pulled off the toilet seat and dropped it in a corner.

"The toilets are after us!" Harry whispered.

"More than likely Peeves had something to do with it," I said, simply.

"Sit down, Mr. Malfoy," Professor Snape said.

Malfoy sat.

"Did you remember to flush, Malfoy? The toilets don't like it if you leave anything behind," Harry asked him.

Malfoy glared at him.

"Shut up, Potty."

Ron snorted.

"Just wait and see. The toilets will have their way," Harry whispered as he went back to his potion.

Ron and I looked at each other. Ron was fighting down laughter. I just scowled and shook my head when I got back to the potion.

After Potions, we headed to Care of Magical Creatures. We told Hagrid what happened. Ron was naturally laughing while I explained it.

"Hiya, Harry. How are yeh feelin'?" Hagrid asked, gently.

"I would be better if the toilets weren't after me and everyone else," Harry said, nodding.

I looked at Hagrid seriously.

"He hit his head and now he's delusional," I replied. "He thinks 'killer toilets' are after him and everyone."

"What are we studying today Hagrid?" Lavender asked.

"Ollets," Hagrid said.

Ollets were like small, furry rabbits with blue fur and jaundice eyes. They were harmless and friendly, but were used to ward off 'bad luck' like a regular rabbit.

We headed over to an area where there was a small paddock set up. The class peered over the railings and the girl's squealed in delight. The Ollets were adorable.

"Can we hold one?" Parvati asked.

"Sure can! They're friendly," Hagrid said.

While the rest of the class leaned over the railing to pick up an Ollet, a strange raspberry sounding noise erupted from Neville's backside.

"Excuse me. I think I need to go to the bathroom," he said, blushing.

"You think? I thought that was a foghorn blowing," Malfoy said, looking at Neville disgustedly.

Neville sheepishly headed back to the castle.

"No! We've got to stop Neville! The toilets are angry still!" Harry said, urgently.

"Harry, Neville needs to go to the potty. If he doesn't, he'll explode. They'll be bits of Neville everywhere including areas that you never thought possible," I said.

Ron chuckled.

"And you, Mr. Chuckles, are going to help Harry from now on or I'm going to be forced to take Harry's Firebolt and give you extra holes!" I said.

Ron stopped laughing.

Harry suddenly broke into a chorus of singing "Oink oink. Moo moo" simultaneously.

Ron started laughing again.

I excused myself from Care of Magical Creatures, headed back up to Gryffindor tower, grabbed Harry's Firebolt then headed back outside. As soon as Ron saw me, he stopped laughing and watched me warily.

I held the broom in front of me like a dagger.

"Come here! I told you if you didn't stop laughing I'd give you extra holes!"

Ron screamed like a girl now and began running. I chased him around in circles for a good five minutes.

Finally Ron stopped running and collapsed onto the grass. I held the broom beside me.

"Finished? Or should I see if this broom really can give holes large enough," I said, raising an eyebrow.

Harry now broke into singing "Who let the dogs out? Who? Who?"

The rest of the class was rolling. Ron went to, but all I did was show him the broom and he stopped laughing immediately.

When class was over, we headed back into the castle. Neville had come out of the rest room looking terrified. We met him in the corridor.

"Neville? What happened?" I asked.

"Did the toilets do something?" Harry whispered.

"I went to flush the toilet and it went to bite me!" Neville said.

Harry nodded wisely. "Yes. The toilets are standing against us. They're mad."

Neville hurried up to the common room.

We followed after him.

Harry began talking about how to defeat them. Ron listened amused, but made not one peep.

"The only way we can stop them is if we use the Reductor curse. It will blow them into little pieces," Harry was saying.

Ron nodded.

"Once we've done that, what do we do then? Is it over?" Ron asked.

"I think so. We should act now before it is too late!" Harry said.

"Time to think of a plan," Ron said. "I'll be right back."

Ron headed into the boys' dorm.

About four minutes later, he came hurrying out of the boys' dorm, the same time that Harry was running toward him.

Both of them ran into each other at the same time. They both fell over backwards.

"Ouch. That's going to leave a mark," Ron moaned rubbing the back of his neck.

He stood up and went over to Harry, who was still lying on his back not moving.

"Harry?" Ron asked worriedly.

I got up and went over to him.

Harry moaned and finally got up.

"You okay, mate?" Ron asked concerned.

"What happened?" Harry asked, rubbing his forehead.

"You two ran into each other," I said. "You were coming up with a plan to destroy the killer toilets."

Harry looked at me puzzled.

"Eh? What killer toilets?"

"The ones you said are after us and are planning an attack," Ron said.

"I don't remember saying anything about killer toilets," Harry said, breaking into a grin.

"Maybe that knock in the head again fixed what ever was there before from the first knock," I suggested.

"Or made it looser," Ron said, eyeing Harry.

"Come on. We've got to get to dinner," I said.

We headed down to the Great Hall. Professor Dumbledore arose from his seat at the Head table and the Hall got quiet.

"If I'm correct some of you were having trouble with the toilets here in school," he said.

Some of the kids nodded, including Neville.

"Well, we found out what was happening," Professor Dumbledore said, grinning.

He gestured toward the back of the Hall. All heads turned and then murmurs went around.

"PEEVES!" Filch cried angrily.

"Yes, it was Peeves all along. He thought it would be humorous to make it seem like the toilets were possessed," Professor Dumbledore said.

"Killer toilets," Ron cried.

Laughter rang out.

"And you thought I was nuts," Harry said, shaking his head.

Ron and I just looked at each other.

"Just be thankful no butts were harmed in the making of this joke."