Recollection

1.

Remus began to wonder about it in his second year.

He had come back from a particularly nasty evening as a wolf, still nursing his wounds as he slipped into the hospital wing where Madam Pomfrey was waiting. The nurse immediately bustled over to him, murmuring things under her breath and leading him to an empty bed.

After she finished healing up the worst of his injuries, the nurse pulled the blankets up to his chin, adjusted his pillow, and brushed the longer pieces of hair off his forehead. Remus settled into the bed, trying to ignore the shooting pain in his left leg as he curled into a ball.

Just as he reached over to blow out the candle, the area of empty space in front of him shimmered slightly. Moments later, three boys appeared out of nowhere beside the bed. Peter, on the left, was short and podgy with thin, blonde hair. His blue eyes were wide, and he automatically looked away as Remus made eye contact with him. James, standing beside Peter, held the Invisibility Cloak--a gift from his father--in one hand, the other trying to straighten his messy hair. Sirius, who was at the right, was the only one who didn't look frightened. He was taller than James and Peter, with the build of a Beater.

What was your lie this time? Remus thought desperately, gazing at his three friends open-mouthed. Aunt Sally died? Mum was sick? Cousin Charlie had his first birthday party? C'mon, you idiot, say something!

But James beat him to it.

"We know, Remus."

Panic swept over Remus, flooding him with dread. They knew? His hands began to shake, and he gripped the sheets with white knuckles.

"You're always gone on the full moons," continued Peter, still looking terrified and stumbling on his words. "And your Aunt Sally 'died' last year."

Damn!

"Remus, we know that you're a werewolf," Sirius finished quietly. His grey eyes were looking straight into Remus's. He looked slightly apologetic, almost as though he had been the one to give the bite.

"But we don't care," James went on. He sat down on the edge of Remus's bed. Peter and Sirius followed suit. "We don't care if you're a werewolf, and we'll help you."

Remus closed his mouth. He hadn't realized it had fallen open.

"We've been studying," said Peter. "Remember when McGonagall told us about those people who could change into animals?"

"Animagi," whispered Remus.

"Well, we've been thinking about turning into them," Sirius stated. "It'll take a lot of work, but we'll do it. All we need is to make the potion and find the incantations. I bet we could finish it by next year, by the earliest."

"I can have my cousin give us passes to the Restricted Section," said Peter proudly. His cousin, Jasmine, was Head Girl, Hufflepuff House. "Professor Marshall probably will let you use some of his ingredients. You're the only one out of the four of us who would actually need an extra credit project."

"And once we're all Animagi, we can go with you to wherever you go to transform," said James. He grasped Remus's shoulder. "You see?"

"Why?" Remus croaked. He sat up, holding the blankets around him tightly. "Why are you planning to help me? I'm a werewolf. I'm a Dark creature. I'm not a human, at least by the Ministry's standards. I am a bloodthirsty, killing machine once a month."

"Doesn't sound much different than what girls go through," Sirius joked, his eyes twinkling. "That's exactly what all the older girls turn into once a month."

"This is no laughing matter," said Remus strictly, and the laughter died from Sirius's mouth. "You're befriending a werewolf. Why, if I get loose and kill someone, you could be charged as an accomplice."

All three of them shrugged.

"We just won't tell anyone else that we're Animagi," said James, somewhat scornfully. "Or that you're a werewolf. We know that we could get expelled for even suggesting it."

"But--there's other things to deal with," Remus argued. "The Ministry keeps records of all known Animagi--"

"There's the key word," Peter interrupted. "Known Animagi. It's going to be a secret, remember?"

Remus opened his mouth, ready to dispute another point. He closed it when he realized he had nothing more to add.

"Remus, we'll do anything for you," said Sirius kindly. He scooted closer, so that he was right beside Remus. He hesitantly placed a hand on Remus's arm, consoling him with a simple touch. "All right?"

"All right," said Remus faintly.

"Good," said James brightly. Both he and Peter moved closer. "Now, I know this isn't the manly thing to do, but it's time to give you a hug."

Remus laughed as all three friends piled on top of him, engulfing him in a large hug. His werewolf senses picked up on each of their smells; Peter's soap that smelled like cucumbers and melons; James, who always had the faint scent of grass and broomstick polish; and Sirius, who was something that Remus could never identify. Sweet and spicy at the same time was the only thing he could come up with.

He buried his head into Sirius's hair, and tried to discover what the scent was. It caused his stomach to flip in a strange, yet somewhat pleasing way.

2.

Remus began to have the idea in his fourth year.

It was a wonderful, warm October afternoon, just after a Slytherin-Gryffindor Quidditch game. Gryffindor had beat Slytherin, 240-120, thanks to a quick catch of the Snitch right under Madam Hooch's left knee. Remus and Peter left the stands with the cheering Gryffindors and sulking Slytherins, searching for James and Sirius among the crowd of congratulating students. They found them with the rest of the team.

"Great game, James!" Peter exclaimed, gazing up at the Chaser with awe. James grinned as he removed his sweat-soaked jersey, drawing attention to his naked chest. A few girls pointed and shrieked, and his grin broadened as he searched for Lily Evans.

Sirius reached over and tapped James on the back with his Beater club. "She won't be looking at you, mate. Not after you hexed Snivellus this morning."

"Though it was a good hex," added Peter quickly. Remus restrained the urge to roll his eyes. Peter was always so eager to please James.

James sighed. "No, but it can't hurt to try, can it?" He spotted her talking with a girl in their year, Miranda Hobbs, and stepped to the side so he was more visible.

"I think it might hurt to try," said Remus as Lily noticed James's attempt to catch her attention. She reached into her pocket, took out her wand, and twirled it threateningly in her fingers. "She's quite good at jinxing, James."

James's grin faded, and he looked a bit nervous. Lily smiled wickedly, and turned back to her friend. Miranda's eyes kept flicking back to James.

"You could always ask her to the Hogsmeade weekend," Peter suggested, gesturing to Miranda. "She's really nice."

"James is trying to get a date with Lily, Peter, not Miranda," Remus reminded him. "Besides, dating her best friend won't help matters. Cursing people in the middle of the corridors probably won't, either."

James sniffed and placed his hand over his heart. "I'm hurt, Remus."

Sirius glanced down at the locker rooms, where the rest of the team was already leaving. "I don't know about you, James, but I need a shower before supper. Badly."

Remus smelled the air, and then wrinkled his nose. "You surely do, Sirius."

Sirius smiled apologetically. "Sorry."

James picked up his broom, which had been lying on the grass. "I think I'll just use a Cleaning Charm. I've got a Charms essay due by five o'clock today, and I haven't even started it."

"I'll help you with it," said Peter enthusiastically, nearly bouncing at the thought of assisting James. "I handed it in early, and Flitwick gave me a E."

"Excellent," said James, smiling. "I'd love the help. I'm awful at Switching Spells. Jasmine gave you some help with them over the summer, didn't she?"

"Yeah! It's all in the wrist, really..." The two walked up to the castle, Peter demonstrating the proper wrist technique to a Switching Spell while James watched avidly.

Remus glanced at Sirius. "Want me to stay and wait for you?"

Sirius nodded. "Peeves comes into the locker rooms sometimes and steals my towel and clothes, so I'd like the company."

"He's stolen your towel?" Remus asked as Sirius bent down to scoop up his Cleansweep Four, a birthday present from his uncle. "How did you get back to the castle?"

"A very flustered second-year happened to see me wandering about with a hand over my bits and pieces," said Sirius, grinning. "She got me another towel."

Remus laughed at the image as they entered the locker rooms. Sirius placed his broomstick in his locker and removed a clean towel. He began pulling off his uniform, chatting about the match as he did so.

"I really thought we were going to lose, 'cause we had only ninety points and they were three goals ahead of us. I mean, that Slytherin Keeper is annoyingly good, and their Beaters kept hitting the Bludger towards James..."

Sirius pushed his uniform into his locker and shut it, now completely naked. Remus knew that his friend wasn't shy, and certainly didn't mind having his body exposed to the general public. (James had dared Sirius to run naked through the common room in the beginning of the year. After the dare had been fulfilled, Sirius didn't mind being unclothed in front of other people.) Normally, Remus just simply didn't care; he had lived with the boy for more nearly four years, and had seen Peter and James naked, as well. But this time...

His trousers were growing uncomfortably tight now as Sirius turned to face him. Remus knew his face was glowing, and he praised whoever had thought up robes; they hid his rapidly growing arousal.

"...so, I guessed that Avery was feigning to the left, so I just whacked it to the right of him," Sirius was saying as he wrapped the towel around his waist. No! Remus found himself crying out inwardly. No! "And I was right, and it was a good thing, or we would have lost that last goal--Remus, mate, you feeling all right?"

Remus jerked his head up. He hadn't realized he had been staring.

"Y-Yeah, I'm fine," he stammered. "The full's coming up, you know. I get a little dizzy sometimes."

Sirius's expression softened. "Yeah, I know. Do you need to go to Pomfrey? I can forget about the shower for now, if you want."

Remus shook his head. "No. You really need it, Sirius. I'll be fine."

"If you're sure..." said Sirius, his voice trailing off. When Remus didn't respond, he walked off to the showers, humming to himself. A moment later, Remus heard the water.

Once Sirius was out of sight, Remus sank to the floor. What had got him thinking these thoughts? Girls liked boys, and boys liked girls. That was how it worked. Boys didn't like boys, and girls didn't like girls. At least, that's what the public seemed to enjoy preaching, even though most wizards and witches were bisexual. Remus recalled a Daily Prophet article he had read about a group of gay wizards who had been murdered by their homophobic friends. Remus shuddered. It was bad enough that he was a werewolf. If he was gay, then everything would double.

But no witch had ever made him feel like this...

He longed to touch himself, to get rid of this before Sirius returned. But what if he came back when Remus wasn't finished? He moaned at the thought of Sirius watching while he pleasured himself. Oh, God, he had to get rid of this now...

Remus shrugged out of his robes and unzipped his trousers. He had a hand wrapped around himself when the water stopped. Hastily, he tucked himself back--not an easy task--and zipped back up. He had his robes on when Sirius walked back, now whistling.

"You really look like you need to see Pomfrey," Sirius commented as he dropped the towel and began searching for his clothes. Remus tried not to groan. "So I hurried up. You still feeling all right, Remus?"

"F-Fine," said Remus as he suppressed another moan.

3.

Remus began to ponder the thought when he was in his fifth year.

"Bat wing," he said wearily to the Fat Lady.

"Aren't you out late..." said the portrait, yawning widely and swinging open. Remus climbed through into the Gryffindor common room, and limped up to his dormitory.

He pushed the door open quietly so he wouldn't awake his friends. Sliding in through the little space, Remus shut the door as softly as he could. He pulled off his robes, and, not bothering to change into his pyjamas, collapsed onto his bed.

"Remus?" a voice whispered from the bed beside him. "Remus, are you all right?"

Remus rolled over onto his back, wincing. "Yeah, Sirius, I'm fine."

"No, you're not." There was a faint rustling sound, and Sirius was beside him on the floor. "How bad was it?"

"Completely awful," Remus confessed. The mattress sank a few inches as Sirius sat beside him, his upper thigh gently bumping into Remus's side.

"Why didn't you let us come with you?" asked Sirius, sounding concerned. "Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs have been with you since Christmas. Why couldn't we come with you this time?"

"You needed rest after your O.W.Ls," Remus reminded him. He laced his fingers behind his head and looked up at Sirius, who was frowning.

"It would have been better to have all of us tired rather than you nearly torn up," said Sirius stubbornly. "The injuries are worse when we aren't there."

Remus shrugged, crying out when his bruises complained. "What's done is done. Pomfrey did the best she could without waking up everyone else in the hospital wing."

"Let me see," said Sirius softly. "Let me see how bad they are."

Remus obeyed. He sat up, unbuttoning his shirt and slipping out of it. He moved over to the left slightly, so he was in the moonlight. Sirius stared at him, looking completely horrified.

"Oh, Remus..." Sirius breathed. He reached out a hand and let it drift down Remus's chest. He shivered at the contact. "Look at this..."

Remus looked down and sighed. His abdomen was covered in hundreds of tiny scratches, each still bleeding freely. His arms had purple bruises all over, and he knew his legs did, too. There was a long gash from his collarbone down to his navel, two inches thick. His back was bruised and wounded.

"I am never letting you go to the Shack alone," said Sirius fiercely. He found a spot on Remus's shoulder that wasn't bruised, and gripped it firmly. "You shouldn't have to suffer this."

"Thanks," said Remus quietly. He glanced at Sirius, who was studying him intently. His face burned at the unblinking eyes that were scrutinizing him. They stared at each other for a long time, silent except for their breathing. Sirius's hand was still on Remus's shoulder.

"Remus," said Sirius hoarsely. He had moved closer. Much closer. Remus's senses quickly took in his scent, that delicious, spicy, smell. He could hear the other boy's heartbeat increase, see his pupils darken.

Oh.

My.

God.

Was Sirius...aroused? The thought caused a delicious ripple in the pit of his stomach, sending shivers down his body. Remus licked his lips nervously. They were so close...if he just moved his head--

A loud snore made both boys jerk back. Remus silently cursed James's inability to keep his mouth shut while he slept, and vowed to look up Anti-Snore Spells in the library the next chance he got.

He glanced back at Sirius. His cheeks were flushed.

"I-I'll talk to you tomorrow," said Sirius quickly, his voice coarse. He scooted off Remus's bed and headed to his own, leaving the other boy with confusion and a much needed release.

4.

Remus began to enjoy it in his sixth year.

After the disastrous attempt in their fifth year, Remus had begun to think that nothing would get him close to Sirius. Following the cancellation of Charms class (a badly aimed spell had caused Professor Flitwick to shrink down to the size of a small button), Remus had gone to the library to consider ways to tell Sirius how he felt about him. After all, Sirius had confessed to them over the summer that he liked boys and girls, so there wasn't the issue about whether or not Sirius was attracted to men.

He sat down at the empty table in the back, near the Restricted Section and away from the wandering eyes of students. Taking out a quill and a spare piece of parchment, Remus began listing ways to tell Sirius.

Writing a letter.

Anonymous?

School owl?

Leave under his pillow?

Remus chewed on the end of his quill, then scratched out the last bit. Only Gryffindor boys could get into their room, as none of the girls were brave enough to enter the Marauder's dormitories. Besides, there were no other gay Gryffindors; at least, none that felt brave enough to tell the school. And writing a letter was a stupid idea, anyway.

Get someone else to tell him.

James?

Peter?

Lily?

Remus sighed heavily. Sirius would think it a joke if James or Peter told him, and Lily swore to never speak to Sirius after he had charmed her hair neon pink before the Christmas Ball the previous year. No, that wouldn't do. He scratched out that line.

Tell it to his face.

Remus set down his quill at once after scribbling that down. No, he couldn't do that. Could he?

Footsteps reached his supersensitive ears. Remus rolled up the parchment he had been using and had placed it in his bag when James sat in the chair opposite his. He grinned broadly at Remus, who was doing a bad job at pretending he was doing nothing.

"You aren't having a wank in the library, are you, Moony?" James asked, a little too loud for library standards.

"Shut up!" Remus hissed, knowing his face was flushed. James's grin widened at his friend's embarrassment, but his mood quickly sobered.

"What were you doing earlier?" James asked, gesturing to the parchment.

"Nothing," said Remus quickly.

"Nothing, eh? You sure you aren't writing love letters to that Ravenclaw you dated last term?"

"I broke up with her," Remus reminded him. He hadn't really liked Maria that much, anyway. He had only agreed to date her because she was a sweet, nice girl. A good friend. But not someone he could date.

James studied him for a moment, his hazel eyes unblinking. He then sighed and raked his fingers through his already messy hair, making it stand up in the back.

"It's Sirius, isn't it?" he asked, his voice low.

"How did you know?" Remus hissed, dropping his voice to below a whisper.

"You're always watching him during class," said James matter-of-factly. He leaned back in his chair, the front legs in the air.

"I do, don't I?" Remus groaned, rubbing his eyes with his palms.

"And I heard you, last year," James confessed. Remus's eyes snapped open, and he gripped the edge of the table for support. "I heard you talking, then a really long silence. I figured I'd let you know I was listening, so I snorted. But then Sirius took the cowardly route and left."

"I've spent days thinking about that night," said Remus quietly, releasing his white-knuckled hold on the table. "Do you know if he...if he..."

"If he was sincere in his actions?" James suggested. Remus nodded. "I'm not sure. Why don't you ask him?"

"It's not that easy, Prongs," said Remus gravely, resting his elbows on the table and placing his chin in his hands. "I'm not that confident. Besides, how am I supposed to know he'd like me?"

"We have lived together for the past, oh, little more than five years, Moony."

"I know," said Remus impatiently, "but that won't help me. For all I know, I could have misinterpreted what he was feeling that night. We didn't even do anything, anyway."

James reached over and tapped Remus's nose. The latter scrunched up his nose at the faint smell of ink and soap.

"You went to the bathroom on the fourth floor, didn't you?" Remus asked, smelling the air again.

"You see, Moony?" said James, smiling. He brought the chair back to the ground with a small thunk! "That nose of yours can smell anything, including emotions. All right, so it's not proven, but you can always tell how I'm feeling."

"That's because you wear your heart on your sleeve, just waiting for Lily to peck at it," Remus replied. James's eyebrows furrowed together, and he sniffed for dramatic effect.

"Very funny, Remus. But anyway, how are you going to tell him?"

Remus threw his hands in the air. "I have no idea! Why do you think I'm talking to you?"

"Well...you could go down to the Quidditch locker rooms," James offered. "He's practicing for our game against Hufflepuff next Saturday. He should be done pretty soon."

"Now?" said Remus weakly.

"It's now or never, Moony."

Remus nearly whimpered in fear. His stomach squirmed, his palms began to sweat. Merlin, he was nervous. And James noticed.

"You'll be fine, Remus," he said gently. "I know you will."

Remus took a deep breath, then stood up. He automatically flattened his hair, straightened his robes. "I sure hope so."

"You will be."

Remus began to walk away from the table, then stopped.

"James?" he began hesitantly. His bespectacled friend nodded for him to continue. "You still haven't asked me if I'm gay."

"Look, I know it's slightly illegal, and many people find it morally wrong, but I really don't care." Remus stared. James didn't care? He wasn't even going to ask? "Remus, do you want to be late? He'll be up to the common room by the time you've picked your jaw up off the floor, and you won't get your chance for a long time. Go!"

And Remus left, striding quickly through the library. A Hufflepuff third year he often tutored in Defence Against the Dark Arts approached him timidly, but he strolled past her without a word. He swept through the castle, ignoring the various students and ghosts that waved or called out his name. He had to see Sirius.

Remus finally made it out of the castle, his eyes searching for Sirius on the Quidditch pitch. He spotted the tall, dark-haired boy landing his broom beside the lockers. In his hands, he carried a Beater's club and a struggling Bludger.

Remus began jogging across the grounds towards the locker room, praying that Sirius would take a shower so he had more time. And then he would be in a towel when Remus arrived. Delicious, naughty thoughts drifted through Remus's mind at the idea, but he shoved them away. He had to have his mind clear when he spoke with Sirius.

He threw open the door to the locker room, slamming it shut behind him and skidding to a stop. Sirius turned to look at him, a blue towel wrapped around his waist. His entire body was dripping with sweat, and he wiped his forehead with a hand as he stared at Remus, cocking an eyebrow.

"You all right, Moony? You look a little flushed." Sirius sounded concerned. When Remus didn't answer, he took a step forward, holding the towel with one hand. "Is James all right? What about Peter?"

"They're fine," Remus replied, nearly wheezing. He wrenched his eyes away from the sight of Sirius's exposed, sinewy chest.

"What about you?" Sirius asked. He rubbed his shoulder, almost nervously, then tied part of his towel in a knot so it stayed up. "Has Snape been bothering you? I'll hex him within an inch of his life if I have to--"

"No, Snape hasn't been harassing me," Remus interrupted. His chest was practically heaving. Get a grip on yourself! he scolded. "I--I just--I need--Oh, for Merlin's sake." He strode forward until they were barely inches apart. He heard Sirius's heartbeat accelerate. "Don't hate me for this, all right, Sirius?"

And Remus placed a hand on the back of Sirius's neck, pulled him close, and pressed his lips against the other boy's. He could feel Sirius's surprise at his unexpected action, but the bewilderment was apparently gone as Sirius deepened the kiss. He grasped Remus's wrists and held them above his head, pushing him into the lockers as he unbuttoned Remus's robes and tore off his shirt. A magical combination lock was digging into his back, but he didn't care, his tongue was doing things with Sirius's that he had never done with Maria--

Then Sirius dragged his lips down to Remus's neck, biting down on his skin, hard enough to leave marks. He pressed their bodies together, so there was not an inch of skin wasn't touching. Remus hissed at the contact of warm skin against warm skin, and slid his arms around the other boy's stomach, splaying his fingers on his lower back. Sirius lifted his head up.

"I would never hate you for this," he said huskily, his lips swollen from their kisses. He leaned into Remus, his breathing harsh and ragged in his ear.

They remained in their embrace for several minutes, until the sound of the door opening caught their attention. Watching over Sirius's shoulder, Remus saw Frank Longbottom enter the locker room. He stopped abruptly at the sight of the two boys entwined in each other's arms.

"Er..." the Hufflepuff Quidditch Captain said uncertainly.

"Go away, Frank!" said Sirius sharply. "And tell your team to change in the broomstick sheds!"

"A-All right," Frank stuttered, his cheeks burning red. Averting his eyes, he opened the door, and sprinted outside without another word. Sirius turned back to Remus with a smile on his face.

"Sorry about that. Now, where were we?"

"Wait!" Remus exclaimed as Sirius's mouth began to do wonderful things to the hollow of his neck. The grey-eyed boy looked up expectantly.

"You started it, Remus, and I'm not going to let you stop me from finishing it."

"We need to talk!" Remus insisted. Sirius sighed, but placed an elbow on the locker above Remus's head and looked down at him casually.

"Talk to me," he said, fixing the knot in his towel.

"Why did you let me do that?" Remus blurted out. Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Honestly, Sirius! Do you let anyone waltz into the locker room and snog you senseless?"

Sirius sighed again. "No, I don't. But I'm not going to pass up a chance like this." He gestured to Remus, who reddened. "You do know that I've been trying to find an opportunity like this, right? That's why I tried that thing last year, after the O.W.Ls. But I got scared."

"I know."

They were quiet.

"What do we do now?" said Sirius finally.

"What you were doing before was nice."

"You mean this?"

There was a pause.

"Oh, yes..."

5.

Remus began to wonder what the hell he was thinking in May of his sixth year.

After their delightful meeting in the Quidditch locker rooms, he and Sirius had grown intimate. He supposed they had been dating, but he wasn't quite sure what to call it. The only openly gay couple in Hogwarts, they were. It was slightly embarrassing when the younger students stared. Nobody but a few obnoxious Slytherins made fun of them.

And Remus had grown to love him. They shared a bed at night. They did their schoolwork together. They moved from snogging in deserted corridors to shagging in empty classrooms and the Room of Requirement at night. They spent almost every day together.

And now Sirius had betrayed him. He had told Snape his secret, and Remus had nearly killed the Slytherin. James, looking exhausted, told him the story while he lay in the hospital wing. Dumbledore was speaking with Sirius, and Madam Pomfrey was healing Snape's injuries in a private room.

"This isn't happening," said Remus softly, massaging his forehead with his palms. "It can't be..."

"I'm sorry, Remus," said James unhappily, brushing a droplet of blood off his cheek. He had gone to the Shack after Sirius had told him what happened, turned into a stag, and pushed Snape out of the way just in time. "I really am. I don't know what came over him. He couldn't have meant it, I'm sure--"

"The bastard," Remus hissed. Tears were dripping down his cheeks. "The cold-hearted, back-stabbing bastard. I will never forgive him for this. Never."

James sighed, swallowing uncomfortably. "I know. I'm having a hard time believing it myself."

The door flew open, and Sirius dashed inside. He grabbed a bedpost to stop himself, his eyes flicking in different directions around the room. He spotted Remus, and began running over. James stood up and yanked the curtains closed around the bed. Remus silently thanked his friend. He did not want to see Sirius now.

"James, what are you doing?" said Sirius angrily. "Let me see him, I need to see him, I need to talk to him--"

"He doesn't want to talk to you now, Sirius," came James's voice, his voice harsh.

"James..." Sirius's voice was pleading, just brushing the edge of whining. "I need to talk to him."

"Hasn't Dumbledore punished you enough?"

"He's kicked me off the Quidditch team and took away three hundred points from Gryffindor. And I've got no Hogsmeade privileges."

"Good." James's voice was still brutal and cold. "I'm not sure why I'm talking to you, anyway. Do you know what you've done, Sirius?" There was a brief pause. "Don't look at me like that! This isn't some joke that we can all look back on and laugh about! You've exposed his secret to Snape. I don't understand why you've done it, but you sure as hell aren't going to enjoy the consequences. Don't bother talking to me, Remus, or Peter for the rest of the year. I don't know how I'm going to forgive you for this, Padfoot."

The sound of Sirius's nickname twisted a knot in Remus's stomach. He wiped his eyes, but the tears still came.

"I know." Sirius's voice was heavy. "I know, James. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize to me. Your friend--I'm sorry, ex-lover/ex-friend--is the one who needs an apology. I doubt he'll accept it. Goodbye, Sirius."

The sound of angry footsteps reached Remus's ears until they faded away. He could see Sirius's shadow on the curtain, hands in his pockets and his eyes on the floor.

"Remus--"

"Shut up," said Remus cruelly. He was surprised by the harshness of his voice, but continued, "I don't want to ever see or talk to you ever again. Do you understand me? Never again. Go away." His voice broke at the last sentence, and he cursed himself for it.

"Remus, please--"

"Go away, Black," Remus spat. Using Sirius's surname, he knew, would hurt him. "Just leave me alone."

Remus saw the shadow began to shake. He realized Sirius was crying. Turning over on his side, he ignored the weeping boy beside his bed and tried to fall asleep.

6.

Remus began to let Sirius back in his seventh year.

The summer holidays brought the Sirius's owl to Remus's home nearly every day, carrying thick envelopes that he knew was filled with long letters. He sent them all back unopened. It pained him to do so, but he knew he would never be able to forgive his Sirius for what he had done.

* * *

On the train ride to Hogwarts, James showed off his Head Boy badge to Peter and Remus. He also constantly talked about Lily--not that it was anything different--who was the Head Girl. Peter remained in awe of James, begging him to tell more stories of old Quidditch games or family reunions. Remus, sitting next to Peter, ignored his endless chatter and watched the scenery go by outside the window.

Then the door had slid open, and Sirius stood in the doorway. He held his trunk with white knuckles, his jaw clenched shut and his eyes on the floor. His back and shoulders were rigid.

James stopped talking at the sight of him. Peter looked at Remus nervously, who still looked out the window. Sirius cleared his throat.

"Mind if I sit here?"

James shifted his eyes towards Remus. Do you mind? he silently asked.

Remus shrugged. I don't really care. He inclined his head slightly. James turned back to Sirius.

"Yeah, it's all right." James patted the seat beside him. "Feel free."

The tension broke from Sirius's body. "Thanks, mate." He shoved his trunk into the corner with the rest of the luggage, and took the seat. He carefully looked away from Remus's eyes. "How was your summer? Another family reunion?"

"Yup," said James grimly. "Absolutely awful."

"He was just telling us about how his aunt got completely pissed and tried to slide down the banister!" Peter chimed in. Sirius smiled faintly.

"Well, go on, James," Sirius encouraged.

"If I must...Right, so she climbs to the top of the stairs--mind you, that took awhile, she kept tripping..."

Remus continued watching the window as James went on with his story, causing Peter to roar with laughter and for Sirius to grin broadly. He thought he had seen Sirius glance a few times in his direction, but always look away when Remus met his gaze.

* * *

Remus frowned at his quill. He was writing his Defence Against the Dark Arts essay on illegal Dark curses, and the tip had broken. Just before he was about to finish the last two paragraphs, too. He peeked over the top of his book at Sirius, who was sitting at the end of their table in the library.

"Sirius," Remus said softly. Sirius's head jerked up, his jaw opening slightly. It was, after all, the first word he had spoken to him in six months. James and Peter looked up, too, eyes disbelieving. "Do you mind lending me a quill?"

It took almost a full minute for Sirius to reach into his bag and pull out an extra quill. "Here," he said quietly, handing him the quill. Their fingers brushed when Remus took it, sending a jolt of pleasure through his veins straight to his groin.

They worked in silence.

* * *

After the First Words in November, Remus had slowly begun talking with Sirius. It started with the few words in classes, then progressed to brief conversations in the common room. It hurt every time, but he was willing to make the sacrifice. He missed Sirius.

* * *

"Can we talk?" Sirius asked, catching Remus as he stepped into the corridor out of the Arithmancy classroom. "It's important."

Remus glanced around. The corridor was full of students, and a few were watching expectantly. Why he, James, and Peter broken off contact with Sirius the previous year had been the most talked about gossip at the school. Of course, no one really knew except for Snape, and Dumbledore had forced him to keep Remus's secret.

"Not here," Remus muttered, shooting the lingering students a dark gaze. Most of them scampered away. "Too many people."

Sirius was obviously agitated. He shifted from one foot to the other, rubbing the back of his neck and biting his lower lip. "There's an empty classroom just around the corner."

"Let's go." Remus stepped aside, allowing Sirius to lead the way. He followed the other boy into an unused classroom, shutting the door behind him softly. "What is it, Sirius?"

"I..." Sirius began, then stopped. He took a seat, placing his head in his right hand and resting his elbow on the desk. He massaged his forehead with his fingertips, mumbling to himself and closing his eyes.

Remus grabbed a nearby chair, dragged it across the floor, and sat down across from Sirius. "What is it?" he repeated.

"I miss you," Sirius blurted out, avoiding Remus's eyes. He used his fingers as a comb for a minute or two. "I really do, Remus. I don't know what was wrong with me last year," --Remus flinched. They had never spoken of that night since the two had begun talking again-- "but I do know that I'm sorry. I haven't properly apologized for my actions yet, and that's why I needed to talk to you. I'm so sorry, Remus. I really don't know why I did it. I wish it had never happened, I wish Snape didn't know about you, I wish I wasn't so bloody stupid, I just wish you would forgive me for everything."

He stopped, catching his breath. Remus nodded for him to continue, his heart beating rapidly.

"I know we've started talking again, Remus, but Merlin, I miss you. A day hasn't gone by that I don't think about you." Sirius looked up, meeting Remus's eyes for the first time since he started the conversation. "I want you to be mine again, Remus."

Sirius's eyes were pleading, praying for the answer he craved. Remus looked away.

"Sirius...you know I can't do that," he said quietly. Sirius's body slowly crumpled at his response, until he was slumped in his chair and had his face in his hands. "You've unveiled my secret to the worst person possible. I don't even know if I can forgive you for it, but I do know that I can't do that, Sirius. It would hurt too much."

"Please, Remus," Sirius begged, lifting his head. He reached across the table and grasped one of Remus's hands in both of his. His grip was firm. "Being your friend again--though I am incredibly thankful for that--just isn't enough. Please."

Remus swallowed uneasily. It was an offer that had plagued his dreams for months, but he couldn't. He just couldn't.

"I can't," he whispered.

Sirius stretched out his hand, cupping Remus's face gently and stroking his cheek with a thumb. Remus leaned into it, against his previous judgments. It was then that Sirius's lips touched his, and Remus thought he had died and gone to heaven. Oh, how he had missed this...

Before he knew it, Remus had jumped up, pushing the desk out of the way and placing every inch of his body against Sirius's. They stumbled against the wall, devouring each other whole, hands desperately fumbling on buttons and zippers. The last thought before he had before Sirius was on his knees in front of him was, I'd better be doing the right thing...

They lay together on the floor when they were finished, their breathing heavy. Sirius turned to look at Remus, who was determinedly looking at the ceiling.

"Please tell me that wasn't a pity shag, Remus," he said quietly. He reached into the pockets of his discarded robes, took out his wand, and murmured a quick spell to clean them up.

"I don't know what that was," said Remus honestly after a few seconds of unbearable silence. "You really hurt me, Sirius."

"I know," came Sirius's reply.

"I've missed you too, Sirius. The thing with the Whomping Willow happened last year, in May. It's January now. That's a little more than eight months without you, if I did my math correctly." Remus took a deep breath. Sirius waited. "I have been...thinking, I suppose, about how to let you back into my life. I couldn't just put it behind me, but I couldn't throw away our friendship, either. It's been perplexing me since I asked you to pass me a quill in November."

"Just give me a straight answer, Remus." Sirius's voice could barely be heard, it was so quiet. "Will you take me back?"

"Yes."

That night, when Sirius went to Remus's bed instead of his own, James and Peter exchanged significant looks. Remus merely pulled back his blankets and motioned for Sirius to join him, which he did so with delight.

It felt good to sleep next to a warm body again.

7.

November 1st, 1980 was the worst day of Remus's life.

James. Lily. Peter. All dead. All because Sirius had betrayed them.

Remus looked down at the photo album in his hands, which he had made for all his friends after they graduated Hogwarts. Tears slid down his cheeks as he fingered the photographs.

The four of them, all sitting on the Quidditch pitch, smiling and waving at the camera. James was desperately trying to flatten his dishevelled hair; if Remus remembered correctly, that had been the day of his first date with Lily. Peter was trying to catch the eye of someone to the left of the camera; his girlfriend, Polly. And Sirius and himself sat in the back, arms looped over each other's shoulders casually. As he watched, Sirius leaned over and gave the Picture-Remus a fiery, over-dramatic kiss. James turned around and punched Sirius playfully, and Peter rolled his eyes. Remus shut the album angrily at the picture.

Why had James and Lily chosen Sirius for their Secret-Keeper? Why, why had they not taken Dumbledore's advice, and use the Headmaster instead? And why had the stupid prophecy been made in the first place? It had ruined Voldemort--at least for the time being--but it had also destroyed the Potter's lives...

Oh, poor Harry...The boy was barely a year old, and he was the saviour of the wizarding world. Remus had often babysat for the baby with Sirius, and took care of him for the week in which James and Lily had searched for a secluded area to hide. And now, he was being forced to live with Lily's crazy sister and her drill-making husband. Remus had met them at the wedding, and that encounter had been enough to fuel anyone's mild hatred of Muggles. (Not that he, of course, despised Muggles--he had enough experience with prejudice to welcome anybody into his life.)

Remus had offered to take Harry in, but Dumbledore had refused. Not only were werewolves not allowed to adopt Muggle and/or wizarding children without the consent of the parents, but the Ministry would reject the idea. Harry had to be protected from the Death Eaters.

Death Eaters. Remus shook his head at the thought. Sirius had been one--or, rather, he was one. Lord Voldemort's faithful servant, the Daily Prophet had said. Which didn't make any sense, because Sirius had detested Death Eaters and everything they stood for. Remus simply believed that Sirius had betrayed Lily and James for power. To be in control. It was what he enjoyed.

Severus didn't believe that Sirius was a Death Eater, either. As a loyal adherent of both Dumbledore and Voldemort, he had never seen Sirius at the various meetings or revels. Of course, Severus didn't care that Sirius was going to Azkaban for life. He still hated him.

Remus dropped his head into his hands. What was he going to do? He had no money--he had used Sirius's bank vault when they lived together, but his assets were frozen while he was in Azkaban--no job, and nobody. He was completely, utterly, alone.

8.

Remus couldn't believe how his luck had changed.

First, he had been given a job by Dumbledore to teach Defence Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts. His dream job. He loved to teach, and Hogwarts was his second home. The money was decent for a teaching job, and he didn't have to live hand to mouth anymore.

Second, Severus made the Wolfsbane Potion for him, so he could be in control of the wolf during the full moon. Remus was sure the man still loathed him, and certainly wouldn't piss on him if he were on fire, but he was grateful for it, anyway.

Third, he was able to see Harry again. He looked exactly like James had as a third-year, spoke precisely like him, yet he acted like Lily. Remus was glad for the last one. Thirteen had been the age when James started hexing people in the corridors for fun.

Fourth, Sirius was innocent.

Remus hadn't believed it when he saw the Marauder's Map in Harry's hand in Severus's office, but he had put it away to hand in to Dumbledore later. When he had looked at it for old time's sake, his heart had nearly stopped at the small dot.

Peter Pettigrew.

He wasn't dead. The story Sirius had screamed at Remus while the Aurors dragged him away was true. Remus had questioned Mad-Eye Moody about whether or not it could be true, but the old Auror had clapped him on the shoulder and shook his head.

"The boy's crazy," Moody had said before drinking from his hip flask. "I always thought he was. Don't think about it too much, Lupin. He's mentally ill."

But he wasn't. Sirius was telling the truth, and no one had listened because they wanted someone to blame for all the deaths.

Seeing him for the first time in twelve years had been too much for Remus. Stepping into the Shrieking Shack and seeing his ex-lover surrounded by his wand-pointing students was enough to make him fall unconscious. But he had stepped forward and gave Sirius a warm hug, bringing the memories flooding back.

Even after Azkaban, he still had that spicy smell.

And now, after a year of letters in code and brief meetings, Sirius was coming to stay with Remus while Dumbledore tried to figure things out after the Triwizard Tournament events. He couldn't believe how things had changed with a simple glance at an old piece of parchment.

* * *

The first week was awkward. Sirius slept on the couch, Remus slept in his own bed. They ate meals together. Sirius read books--history ones, mostly, so he could catch up on what had happened outside of prison--and Remus went to work. He had a steady job as a clerk in a Muggle bookstore. Not the highest paying, but at least he got some money.

On the eighth day, Sirius had come to his bedroom somewhere around midnight. Remus pretended to be asleep, but kept his senses alert. There had been a faint sigh, and then Sirius had gotten into bed beside him.

He did that every night from then on. Neither of them mentioned it to the other, but both were happy with it.

* * *

"I'm offering Grimmauld Place as headquarters to Dumbledore," said Sirius over supper in late June. Remus paused, a forkful of potatoes hanging in mid-air.

"Why can't we just use Hogwarts?"

Sirius shook his head. "Not only are there too many kids running around, but Voldemort'll expect it. Besides, Grimmauld Place has just as many wards on it as Hogwarts does, and Dumbledore plans to double them. And Harry will be able to come visit."

Remus smiled faintly. "That'll be good. You miss him, don't you?"

Sirius nodded as he shoved toast into his mouth. Brushing crumbs off his cheeks, he swallowed before saying, "He needs a father figure around now, with Cedric dead. And I want Albus to let Harry visit me, as soon as possible. He probably won't, knowing him."

"Dumbledore has his reasons," Remus reminded him, carrying his plate to the sink. Sirius looked to be holding back an eye roll.

"Well, his reasons are stupid."

"You sounded just like such a first-year, Padfoot."

"And you would know that, wouldn't you, Professor Lupin," Sirius teased him, but his expression sobered. "Will you come to Grimmauld Place?"

Remus's fingers played absent-mindedly with the loose threads in the washcloth beside the sink. "With you?"

"With me." Sirius sounded nervous. Remus kept his back to the other man. "You can leave this place and come live with me. It's safer."

"My safety isn't really your concern, Sirius," said Remus, attempting a chuckle. It failed miserably. Sirius walked up behind him, sliding an arm around his waist. He froze at the touch, closing his eyes. "Please."

Sirius brushed his lips against Remus's neck in response. "Come with me."

"Only if we do something other than sleep tonight," said Remus daringly.

Sirius laughed in his ear, causing a stir in Remus's body. "You make a good argument, Moony..."

* * *

Dumbledore hadn't objected when Remus stayed with Sirius at Grimmauld Place. The only people that cared to comment was Molly, who looked at them reproachfully at every meeting and constantly asked how good their Silencing Charms were, and Severus, who made snide remarks every now and then.

When Remus had brought up the idea of telling Harry, Sirius had shook his head.

"He'll hate me forever, Remus. You know, cool godfather Sirius turns out to be a pouf. I'll tell him when he's older, and he can tell Ron and Hermione."

Remus suspected, however, that Hermione knew already. She cast knowing looks at them during supper, and always blushed furiously when Sirius yawned and said that it was time for bed. Ron was unaware to the whole thing.

9.

Remus felt he died that night.

Sirius had fallen through the veil by his own cousin's Stunning Spell. He had been ridiculing her, demanding that she up the ante. And she did. He was dead, and he wasn't ever coming back.

Remus rubbed his eyes, taking another swig of firewhiskey. There had been a stash of the alcohol in the cellar, kept there for Merlin knows how long. Didn't matter. It still tasted like whiskey.

Remus took another gulp. He began to chuckle uncontrollably.

"Look at me, Padfoot. I'm sitting in the study, drowning my sorrows in a bottle of whiskey. And I don't even like whiskey. Do you remember the first time we tried it? Sixth year, I think. The Hog's Head was kind enough to sell us a bottle, but they didn't tell us how strong it was. Those Anti-Hangover Charms came in handy, didn't they?"

Remus laughed again to himself, drinking another mouthful. It burned his throat, producing tears in his eyes. He wiped them away angrily, but it only seemed to bring more.

"I just wish we could have had more time together..." Remus murmured, the salty tears stinging his chapped lips. "There wasn't enough time...Oh, why didn't we have enough time..."

He raised the bottle to his lips again, greedily gulping down the alcohol.

"I miss you, Sirius," he whispered. He clawed at the air, as though he could touch something that wasn't there. "I miss you so much...so, so much..."

Remus slowly collapsed, sinking into the armchair, his body wracked with sobs.