As Wicked

"Night, sweetheart," Lily whispered to Harry. He was clutching his blanket in a tiny first, snoring lightly in his tiny crib. Lily kissed his forehead, smoothed his hair, and murmured, "Nox."

As the lights flickered out, Lily tiptoed out the room and closed the door to the guest bedroom where Harry slept. She and James often had nightmares, and they didn't like to keep their baby awake with their screams. The room was protected with a Silencing Charm--no sound entered the room. There was an alarm on the bedside table of the master bedroom, however, that awoke either Lily or James with a poke to side whenever Harry awoke. Lily had Alice Longbottom to thank for that handy charm.

Once she was in the corridor, Lily pressed her palms to her eyes, breathing slowly. Having a baby is exhausting, she mused, rubbing her eyelids.

She moved along the hallway to the study, adjusting her sweatpants. She was tired, but she couldn't sleep these days. With Voldemort growing stronger, and the able bodies of the Order becoming smaller, she couldn't sleep at night.

As she passed their bedroom, she could hear James grunting in his sleep. He had been nearly dead with fatigue after returning from a mission from Dumbledore late that afternoon. He was the designated messenger boy to foreign wizards, carrying important letters that couldn't be sent by owl post on his beloved Nimbus 900. James often stumbled upon various Death Eaters on the way, and he was always worn out by the time he arrived at home. He always had time to say goodnight to Harry, though.

Lily paused at the door to the study. Should she go inside, pick up a book she had meaning to read? Or maybe she should sleep...

The doorbell rang. Lily jumped at the noise, but soon realised it was only the clear sound that chimed throughout the whole house.

Lily frowned. It was half past eight on a Tuesday night. Peter and Remus worked Mondays through Thursdays, so it couldn't be them. Frank and Alice often came over to drop off Neville to spend the night, as their Auror jobs often kept them out of the house. However, they always used to Floo first...

Perhaps it was Sirius? He often showed up late at night, either drunk or highly depressed. After his brother's death, it was common to see Sirius at the Potter's home, which was a one-floor cottage outside of London. But Remus--he and Sirius lived in a flat together in London--usually kept a firm hold on the alcohol so Sirius wouldn't disturb Harry.

Or maybe it was a Death Eater, trying to show his Master how unfailing he was to Voldemort's commands by murdering the various enemies of the Dark Lord. After all, Lily wasn't just a mother--before she discovered she was pregnant with Harry, she had been a key member to the Order. Not that she was bragging or anything, but Lily knew she had skills in the duelling department. After all, she and James had seen Voldemort face-to-face three times by now--and survived every time. If a Death Eater was trying execute her and James, then they certainly would have heard of it.

It could be Dorcas Meadows, a top-notch Auror--and an essential element to the wizarding world's defence against Voldemort. She was in serious danger now, after the death of Evan Rosier. Lily had not been at the mission to remove Rosier from his hiding place--a location that Severus had given them--but she knew that it had not been a pleasant fight. Mad-Eye had lost a chunk of his nose, due to Rosier's teeth. Sirius, an Auror in training, had said that it was a grisly sight, and the mere mention of the man made him shiver. Dorcas often spent the night at various Order members' homes, in hope of avoiding Voldemort's endeavour to make her dead.

But Dorcas was at the Bones' home tonight...

Who was it?

Lily crept down the corridor, wand in hand, eyes and ears alert. She could almost hear Mad-Eye Moody's voice in her head. Constant vigilance! Pay attention, Evans! Constant vigilance!

Lily peered through the window beside the front door, but she couldn't see a thing. It was too dark outside, and she didn't want to risk a Lighting Spell -- what if the intruder was dangerous? It might spook him/her, and Lily didn't want anything to happen to Harry or James.

She flung open the door with her left hand, holding her wand in front of her threateningly.

"Who is it?" she snapped, tightening her grip. "What do you want? Speak quickly, I haven't the patience."

But the person standing on the doorstep was wrapped in a black cloak, not showing any signs of attacking. The person glanced up, and the light from the corridor illuminated one side of his recognisable face.

Lily's wand arm dropped to her side. She blinked.

"S-Severus?" Lily stammered. "Is...is that you?"

"Yes," the man said hoarsely. "May I come in?"

She hesitated. Severus had been officially inducted into the Order just a week ago. No one knew why. Dumbledore was being exceedingly guarded about what sort of information Severus offered to the Order. All Lily knew was that he was loyal, according to Dumbledore. The night he had been introduced to the rest of the Order--and after Lily had been forced to Stun Sirius back into his seat--Severus had given them a great deal of information about Voldemort and his assortment of Death Eaters.

However, Severus was still one himself...

Yet Lily knew she could trust him. They had met at school, became close friends and, by the time they were sixteen, more than that. Secretly. But that hadn't lasted, after a certain incident with Avery in their seventh year had made Lily realise that they were living a lie by not telling anyone.. They still remained friends, but Lily was still unsure...

"Please, Lily," Severus begged. Lily could sense the urgency in his voice. "Please. I need...I need..."

"Come inside," said Lily faintly. She could see the anxiety drop from his shoulders at her reply. She stepped aside, and Severus stepped inside. "Do be quiet. James needs his rest, and I've just got Harry asleep."

Severus still had the hood of the cloak over his head, but Lily could see his upper lip curl back at the mention of James. "I'll try to keep my mouth shut," he said dryly. His voice was still gruff.

Lily shut the door, making sure the lock clicked. When she turned back to Severus, he had pulled the cloak back, exposing his face. Lily's hands automatically went up to cover her mouth.

"Oh, God," she murmured through her fingers.

It looked as though someone--or more than a few someones--had used Severus's face as a punching bag. A purple bruise covered most of his left eye. There were patches of dried blood along his battered cheeks, which were more hollowed out than Lily remembered. Two identical slashes ran from the tip of his temple down to the end of his chin. His considerable nose had doubled in size, and the side of it was swollen and violet-coloured. What looked like hundreds of tiny scratches covered his entire face.

"I didn't know where else to go," said Severus softly. Lily stepped forward, lifted a hand to his cheek. He automatically covered it with his own, stroking the inside of her wrist.

"What happened?" Lily asked, touching her other hand to the opposite cheek. He winced as her fingernails scraped against his wounds.

"Punishment."

"Punishment?" Lily repeated. "What do you mean, punishment? Have you done anything that Voldemort" --Severus hissed suddenly, clamping his hand onto his left forearm-- "I mean, You-Know-Who didn't appreciate?"

Severus was looking unwilling to answer her question, due to the biting of his lip and apprehensive look in his eyes. He may be a marvellous Occlumens, but no one could read him better than Lily could.

"Well, I...The information that I have given to Dumbledore, the Dark Lord knows part of it. Dumbledore already knew all of it, but I only knew some of it. Everything I knew I told the Dark Lord, but he knows that Dumbledore knows everything about this information, and he wishes that I knew everything about it so I could tell him."

Lily shook her head in a vague attempt to make the material make sense. "And he punished you because you don't know," she said slowly.

"Yes."

Lily slipped her arms around his shoulders, holding Severus tight to her. She could feel him tighten at the sudden body contact, but he slowly relaxed and returned the embrace.

She could smell potion ingredients in his cloak. Hellbore stood out the most. Had he been making a Draft of Peace? She took another sniff. Asphodel and wormwood.

There was the faint scent of mint on his breath. She burrowed her head into his neck--she needed the touching, the feeling of another person beside her. James was hardly ever home, and when he was, he was too weary for anything besides a quick kiss on the cheek.

Severus's hands were rubbing her lower back lightly, and she leaned into him. Oh, she wanted more of this delicate touch--

Lily pulled away abruptly. Was she actually thinking of becoming unfaithful to her husband? She loved James--now that she thought about it, she loved Severus, too. Her mind was going in separate directions, and she couldn't control her emotions.

Severus was looking at her carefully, as though he was afraid she would break in his arms. "I know," was all he said.

Lily swallowed, still stepping backwards. "Do you need to talk to Dumbledore?"

Severus shook his head. "I just need a place to sleep. Hogwarts is too obvious, and my flat isn't safe. I didn't know where else to go," he repeated.

"You can use the guest room. Harry's in there, though."

Severus scowled, his lips pulling back into the automatic sneer. He folded his arms across his chest, cocking an eyebrow. "Do you believe that I will sleep in the same room as that brat?"

"You might wake him up, I suppose."

Severus was looking to hold back an eye roll. "Move him."

"Once a bastard, always a bastard," Lily muttered as she strode past him towards Harry. She saw Severus's sneer disappear into a smile at her comment, and couldn't help but returning the grin as he followed her.

She clicked on the light as she entered the guest bedroom where Harry slept. Bending down, Lily scooped up the sleeping baby, supporting his head against her shoulder. He murmured a sleepy protest, but kept snoring.

"You can sleep there," Lily whispered, pointing to the bed beside the crib. Severus nodded curtly to her, and she left the room.

Bouncing lightly, Lily walked to the master bedroom. She kicked open the door with her foot, and was met with the sight of her husband slipping his feet into a pair of boots and lacing them up.

"James, what are you doing?"

He looked up, and gave her half a smile. "I need to bring a letter to Beauxbatons. It's unlikely that Voldemort will aim for France, as he's already got his hands full here in England, but Dumbledore's given them enchantments that will protect their school from just about anything. The same sort of stuff that protects Hogwarts. He doesn't want that in any ordinary owl."

"Now?"

"Yes. I was supposed to today, but Avery and Dolohov ambushed me. It's safer to travel at night, anyway."

James stood once his boots were tied. He moved to her, bowing his head to kiss her quickly on the mouth. She returned the kiss as warmly as she could--she had, after all, just spent a few moments in another man's arms. The pool of guilt was already forming in her belly, and she hadn't even done anything.

"Is Harry all right?" James whispered, stroking his child's head. Harry was the mirror image of James; even as a baby, he had tousled hair, and the same facial features James did. The eyes, however, were Lily's. "Why are you bringing him in here?"

"We have a visitor," said Lily shortly, trying to be as vague as possible. James still didn't like Severus, and the latter wasn't exactly declaring his undying love for the former. She didn't want a fight to break out in her home.

"Is it Sirius again?" James inquired. "Why didn't you just send him home like we normally do? Is it something bad this time?"

"It's not Sirius."

James stared at her for a moment, but soon shrugged and looked away. "I don't--I mean, I won't ask. Just make sure they don't eat all our food or frighten Harry. He's been scarred for life after meeting Mad-Eye, I'll let you know."

Lily laughed nervously. "Yes, I suppose he has been."

James nuzzled Harry's head with his cheek before kissing Lily again briefly. "I'll try and be back for supper tomorrow. I love you, Lily. Do be careful."

"Love you, too. Keep alert," said Lily quietly. As James left the room, she placed the sleeping baby on the bed. Withdrawing her wand, she murmured a few Protection Charms so Harry wouldn't roll off and injure himself. She was a careful mother, after all.

"Where's Potter off to?" Severus asked her as she returned to guest bedroom. His robes were rolled up in a ball on the floor, and he was clothed in a pair of black trousers and a green button-down shirt. He was sitting on the bed, leaning against the headboard casually with his legs spread. Lily winced--the injuries looked so painful.

"A mission."

"That's what I thought."

Lily sat on the bed beside him, her thigh brushing against his knee. She could see his back tense at the touch. "Do you want me to heal some of the damage?"

Severus's face broke into an unexpected smile. "I wouldn't mind if you healed all of them."

Lily returned the smile, then fumbled in her pocket for her wand. "Pomfrey taught me some Healing Charms while I was pregnant with Harry. She said it would come in handy when dealing with small children, but I can tell they'll have other uses."

Severus pushed himself away from the headboard towards her, folding his legs so he sat cross-legged. His hands gripped the tops of his knees tightly, and the smile had disappeared from his lips to be replaced with a thin line.

Lily tapped her wand against the side of his face, murmuring words under her breath. The bruises began to slowly fade. She continued to whisper charms and spells, allowing the white light to smooth over his wounds.

After Lily's arm began to ache from holding it in the same position for a long period of time, she sighed and muttered the last enchantment before dropping her arm to her side. Severus tilted his head to crack his neck, grimacing.

"Thanks," he said gruffly. He carefully avoided her eyes, his fingers playing with a loose thread in his trousers. "I...I think I'm going to sleep now..."

"Of course!" Lily replied, knowing she sounded too animated and eager. She flushed as she stood up, preparing to leave the room. She paused at the doorway, saying, "If you need me--"

"I won't," he interrupted coolly. "Turn off the light, will you?"

Lily bit back a retort as she muttered, "Nox." She could hear the creak of the mattress as Severus lay down, the rustling of the blankets rearranging. Shaking her head, she headed for the bathroom.

As she was brushing her teeth--James always used a simple Cleansing Charm on his teeth, but Lily preferred to do it the Muggle way--Lily pondered about Severus Snape. A nasty, spiteful, wicked man that, for some reason she could not fathom, still made her stomach flip when she saw him.

He wasn't a attractive man, Lily knew that. His teeth were crooked and yellow, and his hair was lank and often greasy. The ever-present nose was far too big. He wasn't as handsome as James and Sirius were, but to Lily, he was eye-catching in his own way.

Severus was sarcastic, brutally honest, and he never failed to insult someone in a conversation. If he didn't like you, you'd know within a few minutes. He was intelligent in many of the subjects offered at Hogwarts, and soon after he had left Hogwarts, the Ministry had given him the title of Potions Master. Lily also knew that Severus was familiar with the Dark Arts, and that he had used Unforgivables.

But she still loved him.

The fact made her squirm. She was married, for Merlin's sake. To James Potter. The man that could make her laugh, that made her happy, that had given her a child...

But there was still something about Severus that made her wish she had stayed with him. What could have happened if she had never told Severus that they couldn't be together anymore? What would have happened?

Lily spat the rest of the toothpaste into the sink angrily. She was not thinking about this again, she was not.

She padded out of the bathroom, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. As she passed the guest room, she heard Severus groan. She stopped immediately, poking her head inside.

"Severus?" she whispered. "Are you all right? Do you need something?"

The only answer was another groan.

Lily stepped inside. She cried out as her bare foot hit Harry's toy broomstick (a gift from Sirius), and she kicked it aside under the bed. When her knees hit the mattress, she fell forward and grasped Severus's shoulder. At the touch, he shot up, his fingers groping in the air for something to grab at.

"Severus, wake up!"

His eyes snapped open, and Lily could feel his chest heaving. He blinked stupidly, his mouth forming words that were impossible to interpret. He glanced down at his shoulder, which Lily's hand still clutched. She yanked it away hastily, knowing that her face had reddened.

"Lily," Severus gasped, still breathing heavily.

"Sorry for waking you, but you were groaning in your sleep," Lily explained at once. "You didn't...I mean, I didn't...If you want--"

Severus's hand pressed against her lips, softly muting her voice. Lily closed her mouth, swallowing nervously. She was well aware that her heart was thumping loudly, that she was tingling in all the right places--no, it was in all the wrong places, she was married, she loved James--

"Lily," Severus repeated, before his hands snaked up her sides and his lips were against hers.

Lily froze. Severus. Lips. Tongue. Not James.

But then Severus did that thing, that thing that made her melt...And she gave herself in to temptation and pleasure.

There is no shame in giving yourself over to pleasure...

* * *

When Lily awoke, she quickly realised three things:

One, there was a naked body beside her that didn't look at all like James.

Two, she herself was quite naked.

Three, she felt so content and fully shagged that she doubted she would ever leave the bed.

"Lily," said a husky voice. She looked to her side and saw Severus pulling the sheet away from his face, rubbing his eyes.

"Severus," she responded quietly. It felt so awkward, so horribly discomforted and she was completely tongue-tied... "Erm...Good morning?"

Severus gave her his predictable half-smile while he pushed himself up into a seating position, gazing down at her. The Dark Mark, burned into his left forearm, glared at Lily. He noticed her looking, and bit his lower lip uneasily.

"We probably shouldn't have done that," he said finally. It was still dark outside, which Lily could see from the window behind his head.

They were quiet.

"But it was nice," Lily remarked. When Severus didn't reply, her cheeks coloured and she looked away. "Right?"

"It was," said Severus quietly.

Lily propped herself up on her elbows, making her hair fall into her eyes. She shook her head, trying to get it away from her eyes. Severus reached over and pushed the tendrils behind her ear. His fingertips brushed her neck, and she shivered.

"Last night--" Lily began, but Severus cut her off.

"Don't," he interrupted, shaking his head. "Just don't discuss it, okay? We should just--just forget all about it."

"I don't want to, though," Lily whispered. "I never forgot about us, you know that."

"Do you always take advantage of people who show up on your doorstep, Lily?" Severus snapped.

"What are you insinuating?" Lily demanded. She suddenly felt exposed, and yanked the duvet up to hide her breasts. He's seen them before, Lily said a little voice in her head. Shut up! she ordered.

Severus snorted. "I'm suggesting that you cheat on your husband, of course. What did you think I meant?"

Lily raised her hand in the air, as though ready to strike him across the face. Severus grabbed her wrist and forced it down. She tried to push him away, but he straddled her hips and shoved her hands into the pillow above her head. She squeaked in indignation, but it only made him grip the skin harder.

"Don't you try to hurt me," he hissed in her ear. "You know that I can cause much more damage with a simple flick of my wrist, Lily Evans."

Lily stopped struggling at the mention of her maiden name. Severus let go of her wrists. But he wasn't moving.

The silence stretched on. Lily kept eye contact with him, unflinching and stubborn. Severus's elbows were on either side of her face, his chest--lean and pale--rising rapidly. He opened his mouth, licking his lips nervously. No sound came out.

Fuck it, Lily decided, and bit his collarbone. Severus gasped at the combination of lips and teeth on his skin, and pressed it further into her mouth. Yes, she remembered this spot...

She licked the injured skin, moving up to his mouth. The second their lips touched, a baby's cry broke them apart.

"Harry," said Lily instantly. Severus sighed, and rolled over onto his back. "Can you help me find my clothes? I think my pants are over there--Pass them, will you?--Thanks--"

When she was fully clothed, Lily rushed over to where Harry had been sleeping. His scrunched up face was red, and there were tears running down his cheeks as he bawled.

"Come on, sweetie," Lily muttered, scooping up the crying baby and gently bouncing him up and down. "There, there...Mummy's here...Are you hungry? Is that what it is? Come on, let's go get you a bottle..."

Lily strode down to the kitchen, holding Harry on her hip and stroking the top of his head. Grabbing a bottle of milk, she handed it to the baby, who took it with glee.

"We've got to go see Severus now..." Lily murmured to her child, who was suckling the bottle happily. "Let's go make sure he's all right..."

But when Lily entered the guest room, there was nobody inside. Severus's clothing was missing from the floor, and the duvet was rearranged to look someone neat. It was clean, too, Lily noted.

There was a piece of parchment on the covers. Lily sat down on the bed, picking it up with interest.

Lily,

This morning would be far too awkward for both of us. Perhaps it's a good thing that you have a snivelling baby to take care of, for he was the one that interrupted the discomfort of the time that would come. I also thought that Potter would come home at a rather appalling time, and I didn't want to hurt your marriage, as much as I yearn to.

We both know that (there were many crossed out words here) the two of us together wouldn't work. We tried, and it just doesn't work out in today's world.

Don't worry about telling Potter. I certainly don't plan on telling him, and I doubt you'll feel the need to. Wouldn't want to break up your perfect marriage.

I love y

Lily frowned. It stopped there. I love y. She was assuming that Severus had meant to write I love you, as I love yodelling was rather unlikely. (Though Severus did have a nice baritone.) Why had he stopped?

Harry burped, splattering milk all over his front. He gurgled, smiling at the mess he had made. Lily couldn't help but smiling back. How more adorable could he get?

"We'll just have to talk about Severus later," Lily told him, standing up with a groan. She tucked the letter in her pocket. "Let's go into the living room and wait for Daddy to come home...Maybe he'll bring a gift back from France?"

The sound of a door swooping open caught Lily's attention. She sprinted towards the front corridor, holding Harry to her chest while rummaging for her wand. The sight of her husband leaning against the door, breathing heavily, made her drop her wand in surprise. She scooped it up, tucking it into her back pocket as she rushed over to him.

"James!" Lily cried out, throwing an arm around his shoulder and holding him to her. She kissed him quickly, then held him an arms length away. Harry was speaking gibberish, grinning at the sight of his father. "What happened? Are you all right? Do you need me to get Dumbledore?"

"No," James gasped, clutching a stitch in his side. He shook his fringe out of his eyes. "I-I just need to--need to--Avery and Dolohov, they were waiting for me to leave...I just barely avoided them...You're sure that we're safe here?"

"Yes, yes, of course," Lily assured him. She shifted Harry to the other side of her hip, smoothing down his hair. "Did you send Confounding Charms towards the source of the attacks?"

James nodded, his chest still heaving. "Yeah." He wiped the sweat off his forehead, shaking it off his fingertips onto the floor. "Do we still have a visitor?"

"No," Lily answered, shaking her head a little too quickly. Harry was babbling in her ear, pulling on the lobes. "He left."

James raised his eyebrows. "He? You didn't tell me our visitor was male."

Lily couldn't think of a witty reply. James noticed, but didn't comment.

"Let's just go to sleep," he said, slipping an arm around her waist. She leaned her head against his shoulder, returning the embrace. "We can discuss this tomorrow, if you like. Over breakfast. But I'm too tired."

They placed Harry in his bed, murmuring Protection and Calming Charms before returning to their own bedroom. James went directly for the bed, falling asleep minutes after his head touched the pillow. Lily, however, stayed awake.

The guilt that had pooled in her stomach had turned into a full-blown ocean. She winced as she mulled over what she had done.

Well, she had cheated on her husband.

There. That was done and over with. Now, she could go back to sleep--

Severus's face slipped into her mind. Lily held back the urge to hold a pillow to her face and scream. James mumbled something in his sleep, turning over and flopping an arm onto her waist. Lily squirmed, wriggling aside from her husband, closing her eyes.

I wish I could Obliviate myself.

Lily's eyes snapped open. Surely she didn't think that!

Forgetting it ever happened would get rid of my guilt.

No, it wouldn't, Lily argued. She would never be able to forget the fact that she had broken her marriage vows and spent a night--or at least a few hours time--with another man. She felt tears threatening to push past her eyelids, and she blinked them away.

At Hogwarts, she and Severus had had a secret relationship that stretched from their sixth year to April of their seventh. When Avery had seen them in the Slytherin dormitories, Severus had lied and said that the two of them meant nothing once Lily left. When he had told her that night, she realised what a lie they were living. They had broken it off when Severus refused to make the relationship public. It would put her in danger, he had said.

Lily's hands clenched tightly. She had never really liked going into the Slytherin dormitories--it was far too easy to get caught there, even if they were skipping class. But Severus had said that he liked sleeping in a bed that they had once shared. Lily suspected that he just needed another excuse to wank when they weren't together.

Because she was depressed over the shambles her and Severus's friendship was in now that they weren't a couple, Lily had agreed to go on a date with James a month later. Over the summer, he had changed. He wasn't ego-driven. He wasn't hexing Severus. He was working harder in his classes. And he had been kind.

And Lily had fallen in love with him. She hadn't expected that to happen. Especially when James had asked her to marry him. She had accepted. Now they had a wonderful child and jobs in the Order.

But what if...

If she and Severus had just gone to her dormitories, if Lily had been able to convince him to tell his fellow Slytherins...If, if, if. Thinking with "what if?" never solved any of her problems.

Lily held back a sigh. This was her life. She loved James--and Severus. One of them she was married to. That was that. She wouldn't give herself over to pleasure with Severus again. Guilt swam through her veins again, and she forced herself to try and not think of it.

But as Lily curled over onto her side, she couldn't help but revive the memories of Severus as she slept.