Duality

I: Childhood

The twins are six years old when the neighbourhood boy proclaims that girls are stupid things who can't climb trees. Parvati screams that girls climb better than boys, and immediately takes off towards the closest tree to prove him wrong. Her new pink bobbinet dress gets caught on a branch and rips, but when she reaches the top she's delighted, because she sure showed him!

Padma stands at the foot of the tree arguing with Daniel when he starts chanting; "I can see your knickers! 'Vati's pi-ink knickers!"

Parvati clenches her hands and Daniel is blown backwards, surprise on his face. Padma starts running after him, because as annoying as 'Vati can be, no one gets away with doing that to her sister! When she stumbles on the hem of her identical pink dress she's suddenly wearing a pair of pink bobbinet shorts with uneven edges instead.

None of the mothers are happy. After the incident, Daniel starts playing football with the other Muggle boys. That was the last time the Patil twins played with a boy. Parvati stops climbing trees and Padma starts to learn how to read.

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The summer before Hogwarts the twins' Uncle comes to visit for the first time since they were toddlers. Parvati wears a new dress and carefully checks her reflection in the mirror. Padma reads a book about India so that they'll have something to talk about. She hasn't finished the book yet so she refuses to let Parvati make her hair, but she changes to a clean pair of trousers when Mother sharpens her tone. Mother had taken the hint and stopped buying her skirts when Padma had managed to turn her whole wardrobe to trousers. (She'd accidentally changed one of Parvati's dresses as well, causing Mother to buy Parvati the one she's wearing tonight.)

When Uncle arrives and sees Padma in the corner with the book and Parvati greeting him exuberantly, he laughs and says that they've grown up.

"You used to be so very identical, but now you're not so much anymore. Who's who?"

"This is our sweet little Parvati," Mother says and smiles, "and this is the resident bookworm Padma. She does nothing but read these days!"

The compliments for Parvati burns in Padma's ears for the rest of the evening, but Parvati can only hear the pride in their parent's voices when they talk about Padma's reading and her excellent marks.

And so it continues.

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II: Hogwarts

It's that time of the month and Padma wants to punch the walls and scream, and curl up in her bed and cry. She doesn't. She gets dressed instead. Padma wants to curse god, or whomever, to the moon and back for making things like this. Every witch goes through this and yet there is no spell. Padma knows because she has personally researched every corner of the library. She even looked for gender-switching spells in a moment of despair. In her fourth year she volunteered to help Madam Pomfrey in the Hospital Wing, only to peruse her books as soon as she turned her back. She didn't find anything there either.

For breakfast she drinks tea, only. There's no time for anything else if she wants to have the bathroom for herself. She's not hungry anyway, and for a fleeting moment she thinks that if she gets thin enough, it just might stop, but she banishes the thought immediately. She has read too much about eating disorders to give in.

In Potions she wants to bash Justin Finch-Fletchley's head in with his cauldron simply because of his bloody stupidity. She snaps at him that "the pixie wings should be pulverised, not chopped," and is amazed at her satisfaction when he stops and stares wonderingly at her.

At home during summer Parvati notices at once. She seems to have a sixth sense for Padma's discomfort and nothing escapes her. Padma wonders if Parvati can read Lavender's emotions as easily, but she doubts it. She has seen the looks Parvati gives her best friend when she thinks that nobody's watching. In those moments, the normally self-assured, giggly Parvati seems so vulnerable, as if she's afraid that if she screws up, Lavender'll disappear forever. Padma thinks that she might be imagining things, because those two girls are so close to each other and Parvati has never been one for worrying.

Sometimes, Padma can't help feeling jealous at Lavender's newfound privilege to the intimacy that used to be hers. It used to be her hair that Parvati braided, and even though Padma thought that Parvati's obsession with beauty was annoying, she misses it. She doesn't miss being nagged at for not caring enough about appearance, but the feeling of fingers in her hair. She remembers that as she struggles with her hair on her own, and on those days she feels especially clumsy and uncomfortable.

Parvati laughs at her expression and says; "Honestly Pads, it's not that bad. Every woman has it! It's not like you're some kind of martyr. And besides, how else would you be able to have children?"

Padma glares at her and thinks that maybe it's a good thing that Parvati got into Gryffindor after all. She decides that the children she doesn't want should better be damn grateful for everything she goes through for them.

Padma didn't mind being a girl, even though dresses were as impractical as dancing was dull. But she can't stand being a woman. She feels betrayed by her own body. Some days she's nothing but a mechanical doll, threatening to fall apart at the seams.

Padma takes Ancient Runes and Arithmancy and Advanced Charms and reads everything she can possibly get her hands on. Once she realises that she might be able to become an animagus, she studies extra hard in transfiguration. But, as she won't be able live her whole life as a bird, or what she might be (she feels that she's a bird), she concentrates mostly on Charms.

She asks Professor Flitwick for special assignments and extra tutoring in spellcrafting. It takes a while to convince him but finally he agrees because Padma is exceptional in charms and Flitwick loves spellcrafting. He tells her once that she seems to have real talent, and Padma thinks dryly that there's nothing like willpower and motivation to create talent by hard work. She knows that she will devote her life to this.

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Parvati knows when to giggle. She knows which boys are cute and which aren't. It seems like she's always giggling. Parvati and Lavender are quite the giggly girls, and they decided in their first month at Hogwarts that Hermione was boring. Parvati thinks to herself that Hermione's determined refusal to giggle was an equally important reason for her boringness as her obsession with studies. Parvati on the other hand, giggles a lot. She's an expert at giggling; she knows perfectly well what situation warrants a giggle, a look or a laugh. The problem is that she doesn't really feel it. It's something that she has learned, but she doesn't feel the need to giggle at Firenze's chest or Seamus's bottom. She would never say this out loud, of course, but sometimes she wonders as she giggles along with Lavender. She wonders why she doesn't swoon at the thought of getting a glimpse into the boys' quidditch showers. She wonders what's so damn interesting about sex, really. Seamus and Dean aren't exactly pretty, and the Yule-ball date with Harry was one of the most boring and embarrassing evenings for quite a while. Harry does have amazing eyes, Parvati can agree with that. But he's not beautiful - just a heaping amount of boy. Boys are all hands and feet and sharp around the edges, if they're not trolls like Crabbe and Goyle.

No, the word beautiful is only meant for Lavender.

Lavender plaits Parvati's hair, gently pulling her fingers through it, and Parvati's whole body tingles. She shivers, just a little, and Lavender wraps her arms around her shoulders and asks her if she's cold. She nods.

In the morning, they shower together. It takes less time, and it's not like they're embarrassed to be naked in front of each other. Parvati tells herself not to stare at Lavender's smooth white skin, but it doesn't help. She just closes her eyes and leans back against the wall.

"I love showers," Lavender says and Parvati agrees wholeheartedly.

They joke about snogging in showers, and the rumours about what exactly the quidditch girls do after a game.

"Maybe that's why Hermione never comes in when she knows we're showering," Lavender says, her eyes glittering with laughter. "She's afraid to find us kissing!"

Parvati laughs along and resists the urge to propose trying it out for 'investigative purposes'.

Parvati has never been kissed. Lavender has, she kissed Seamus at the Yule Ball, and some times after that too, when they were dating. She says that he's not a good kisser; but he's nice which is more important. Parvati wonders what it takes to be a 'good kisser', if she's got whatever it takes to be one.

Sometimes she thinks that she wonders way too much. But she feels that she can't help it, because there are just so many uncertainties. One can never know what lurks around the next corner. She guesses that's why she's taken such a liking to Divination, the thought of knowing beforehand is comforting. In all truth, she shouldn't be the one to wonder so much. She is a Gryffindor, after all, and Gryffindors have always been known for their courageousness. It ought to be Padma who spent her time thinking, wondering and searching knowledge. But Padma never seems to take time to wonder; she wants knowledge and she gains it. She was always the bright one, the one their parents would proudly present as their 'brilliant' daughter. There was no way Parvati could be her equal in that, so she spent her time becoming beautiful instead. She's not always sure that it was the best thing to do, and she wonders even more. 'I'm a Gryffindor,' she thinks, 'I should just go off on wild adventures with the famous Gryffindor courage. (Or recklessness, look at the antics of those boys, and you might start thinking that Professor Snape has a point.)'

After a night of depressing brooding, Parvati decides to indulge and try to make her body satisfied. Lavender has spent the entire afternoon snogging Seamus, and when they go to bed Parvati places a silencing charm around her bed. But she doesn't know what to do, because the technicalities of such adventures are not commonly talked about, not even in the special editions of Teen Witch-Weekly. She gives up and hugs her pillow, pretending that it's Lavender lying next to her, saying that they'll always have each other.

Parvati thinks a lot, but she doesn't know what to say. Instead she giggles. And at night she hugs her pillow. When Lavender wakes up shaking with nightmares, she crawls down next to Parvati like she used to do all the time when they were smaller. Parvati comforts her, like she did when Binky died, as she has always done and always will. She wraps her arms around her best friend and Lavender rests her head on Parvati's shoulder. When Lavender snuggles closer Parvati reminds herself that this is what friends do, what they've always done. It's safe and comfortable and Lavender's body is soft, warm and close. Her hair is soft against Parvati's cheek and smells Lavender. They lie in the quiet, listening to each other's breathing and Parvati doesn't think, except that things should stay like this forever.

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III. Aftermath

Padma sinks to the ground, not minding the wetness in the grass. Her hair is cut off like her soul she thinks, and today she doesn't notice how melodramatic it sounds. She puts her head in her hands and stares at the stone. The words are so very Gryffindor.

For love and freedom

Gryffindor in death.

Padma had thought that the war would erase the house-centred thinking, but it hadn't. Houses normally didn't matter for adults, but in the war it was different. Dumbledore's Army had tried to unite the houses, but the DA had also meant that everybody's strengths and positions were defined through what house they belonged to.

The second war had begun for real in Dumbledore's Army and from there it had continued. Parvati was among the Gryffindors, fighting bravely in the front lines. Lavender had thrown herself into the war; and wherever she went, Parvati followed. Even into... into... 'Death,' Padma's mind supplied. 'You should be used to death by now. You have invented death.' And she had. She was always behind the lines, researching, crafting spells. She had even managed to find the spell she had been searching for since her third year. But it didn't matter anymore. Nothing mattered much anymore.

For a moment Padma wondered about the cruelty of fate. She knew that she was one of the war children, born during the First Rise. The times had been so dark that there were very few of them, comparatively, but they were born anyway. It seemed almost natural that those who were born during the first war should be those who led the next. It was the stuttering of time. The real irony was that the celebration boom children should be the most numerous casualties in the next war. They were the children soldiers.

But it was all over now.

The knowledge that she is no exception, that this is as common as anything can be common or ordinary these days does not dampen the feeling in Padma's chest.

Lavender Brown

Parvati Patil

For love and freedom

1980 - 1999

As the attempts to celebrate half-heartedly continues down the street, a blackbird takes off from where Padma has been sitting and circles over the graveyard before settling on the uneven granite stone. For now, she will remain there.