Shown Like the Sun

Chapter 13

In a way, I can't help but feel responsible,

I always knew that you were insane...

--The Dandy Warhols

***

"Get up." Sirius commanded through gritted teeth.

Althea hesitated.

"Get UP!"

With the utmost caution, Althea gradually lifted herself from the floor--her gaze steadfastly remained on Sirius--she believed he would not hesitate to murder her without further explanation. She carefully wiped the grey soot from her dress and frowned when she smeared the grainy, black filth along the length of her left arm. It's over, she thought with a curious sense of relief and bent to pick up her wand. No more lies. There was a flash of light and Althea quickly retracted her hand. She looked toward Sirius, who deftly caught her wand in his left hand.

"Explain." He thrust the tip of his wand at her chest. "Now."

"When the dementors escorted me past your cell, I heard you hum that awful song. I recognized you and I wanted to kill you--but you stayed just out of reach."

She doubted if Sirius listened to her hasty justification of playing that wretched song; he seemed to stare straight through her.

"I screamed for you too look at me, and you did. I wanted you to know it was me."

She glanced toward her wand in his hand--his grip had loosened.

"You absolutely loathed that song--I'd sing it at every opportunity.... You'd go into a rage, then."

Sirius' mad expression transformed into disbelief and repulsion. He lowered his wand arm. Althea slipped her hand into his and grasped her wand--Sirius did not resist.

"Emergo," she murmured, gently pressing the tip of her wand against her left upper arm.

Althea winced slightly at the uncomfortable prickling sensation in her skin. Slowly, the black ink emerged and bubbled--it windingly spread over her suntanned skin into the patterns created by Miriam. She had not worn the marks openly since Azkaban. During her recovery in Alexandria, and upon Sister Margaret's instruction, Althea had hidden the marks of her past self in an attempt to start anew--to overcome the desperation and to live fully once again. However, the marks given to her were still there, just below the surface--no Concealment Charm or Transfiguration Spell could truly hide them. They were an indelible part of her. Standing before him, she never felt so naked.

"Derry," he breathed--horrified--and inhaled shakily as he looked upon her tattoos.

"I received them in Romania, during my time as a Relief Healer," she began, allowing her fingertips to touch the tattooed skin. "From Miriam--she was the same woman who gave me this," she added and displayed her wrist to him.

Sirius did not look at her wrist.

"The one my father wrote about," she finished, retracting her wrist. She nervously massaged the small tattoo of a raven with her thumb.

"Yeah," he muttered distantly and massaged the side of his jaw. "I remember."

Sirius shook his head and walked toward the sofa. Without hesitation, he sat down--his face in his hands. His fingers were trembling.

"You understand, then?" she asked, reluctant to step toward the sofa. "That I'm Derry?"

Sirius nodded and muttered something Althea did not comprehend.

"I reckon you want to know why I--I did what I did."

Sirius made no reply.

Althea did not dare sit next to him. Instead, she slid the large armchair across from him and sat about three feet away. Sirius did not acknowledge her presence, nor did he look up at her. He remained motionless--except for the periodic breath. He'll never touch me again, she thought, looking to her hands in her lap. I wouldn't blame him.

She would be candid and unforgiving of her past. Sirius would learn everything for her lies and hidden truths had hurt him. It was not his forgiveness she sought at this moment; it was closure and freedom. She convinced herself that both looked to one another not out of abiding love, but out of abiding desperation. Indeed, what Wizarding folk would want either as a partner? Muggles were no better--even the most progressive were slightly fearful (although she pleaded in earnest they had nothing to fear).

She had only told the complete account of her life as Derry to one person--Sister Margaret. Not even Remus knew all the details--it seemed better that way--their friendship could survive in shades of deceit. Looking up from her hands, to Sirius' covered face, she could still imagine her hands covered with the warmth of Oswin's blood. She began her sordid tale at the Pulcheria Oswin book signing. She knew Sirius listened intently.

"When I learnt that she was the one that betrayed my father, I wanted justice for her crime. She was never mentioned by the Ministry as one of his murderers--they had assured me all were caught and in Azkaban," she explained and closed her eyes. "I read in the Prophet of her book signing--I couldn't believe the Ministry would let this woman live in comfort while I lived a half-life.... I had to expose her for the evil bitch she was."

With each word tasting vile on her lips, she described the inflammatory conversation with Oswin that led Althea to murder. She explained her severely flawed reasoning that if she committed this one act--the murder of Oswin--she would have righted all the wrongs that had occurred: her falling in love with Sirius, which led Lily to date and to fall in love with James, and their eventual deaths. Althea kept her eyes closed, ignoring any sound from Sirius, for she felt, if he interrupted her, she would not finish. She exposed to him, her descent into madness and justification of murder--it was nothing more than a public duty.

"Oswin was exposed in the paper to have lead to the deaths of countless people. An editorial in the Prophet praised me as a heroine."

In unwavering detail, she recounted her subsequent adoption of Kelly Derry and the intoxicated slip into the underbelly of Wizarding Society. She was lost and broken. Althea was dead. A temporary savior, Madam White, of the Red Rose took her in, but Althea refused what she believed to be White's perverse redemption. Instead, she used the Red Rose to gather information about former Death Eaters, and discovered--to her horror--those that had tortured her and her unborn child were free.

"Phaedra Burke and Apollyon Hare...the pair that tortured me the night James and Lily died. They were pronounced innocent and never stood trial," she explained--small, residual rage licked at her insides.

"What?"

"Bought off the Ministry with a load of gold and the excuse of the Imperius Curse...specialized in murdering women and children," she continued coldly, despite Sirius' violent epithets against the pair. "I wanted them to suffer. The Unforgivable Curses were too humane.... The knife was more intimate than the cowardly and painless Killing Curse. "

Althea thought she heard Sirius mutter, "Indeed."

"It wasn't long after that I was captured," she supposed and opened her eyes. She looked over at the smoldering pile of vinyl, wood, and metal. "I still don't understand why I had a trial. I never denied killing them." She frowned deeply. "In fact, I delighted in disclosing my reasons why.... I reckon my trial was for spectacle, really."

Althea returned her gaze to her hands and did not look up as she mentioned Azkaban. The coldness of that wretched prison, which seemed to seep into her bones returned--she shivered...as did Sirius.

"I've always wondered how you managed to survive for so long there," she said quietly.

Sirius remained silent.

"You were always so calm and that frightened me--it truly frightened me.... I couldn't--I just couldn't stay there any longer. I didn't want to waste away or have my soul sucked out like the others. I wanted it on my terms," she continued, seemingly looking through her hands to where everything became a blur. "I decided I would hang myself...however, Dumbledore--"

"Dumbledore?"

She nodded. "Yes...it's very strange. He visited, gave me a vial of potion, and said that I'd seen worse than death...."

A small crease appeared between her eyebrows and deepened as she thought more about the motivations behind her escape. Why would Dumbledore help her? Why help her escape punishment when she boldly admitted her crimes, and showed no remorse, but...? Her stomach churned from guilt--Sirius. Sirius was the innocent one. Gran, she thought, forcing down the small amount of bile in her throat. She was the motivation behind the plan to rescue me. Althea remembered her conversation with Gran on the day she awoke in Alexandria:

"Because I had to.... Just know I didn't want them to win...."

Althea frowned. "All as a favor to Gran...guilt, I suppose," she continued, distracted by Gran's ambiguous reasons. "I woke up in Alexandria to recover.... I spent a year there before I returned to Hogwarts as professor."

She looked up slightly to observe Sirius somewhat perplexed.

"It was part of the agreement between Gran and Dumbledore, Sirius," she explained, feeling humiliated. "It is why I am the Muggle Studies professor.... I am in his debt."

Sirius inhaled a shaky breath. "You are in debt to no one."

"Yes, I am," replied Althea. "If it weren't for Gran and--"

"No," Sirius said forcefully, placing his hands atop hers.

Althea quickly moved his hands away. "How--how can you still touch me?"

"Look, everyone has let you down, Althea," he said. "No one stood up for you. What did Gran do? Instead of helping you, she lectured you and told you what a horrible person you were--"

"She did help me--"

"I reckon she's never let you forget it, has she?"

Althea shook her head.

"Remus--"

"He resented me--"

"What?" Sirius' expression bore the utmost disbelief and anger. "How could he resent you?"

"I was a constant reminder to him of what happened," she answered, rubbing her upper arms.

"Oh, that's rich," Sirius remarked, leaning back and folding his arms. "The fucking hypocrite--"

"You don't understand--"

"Lecturing me? He should've--" Sirius slammed his fists against the sofa.

"Look, I could barely stand myself!" she shouted, quickly standing. She rubbed her forehead with her shaky hand. "I had nothing when I lost Prudence! It didn't matter if I lived or died!" Althea, her eyes full of tears, reached behind her for the armchair and sat down. "No one wanted me...not even Gran.... I was barred from their funerals too."

Sirius gasped.

"Dumbledore thought it best if I didn't attend--didn't want a scene, perhaps...had to think of Harry...so I was expelled from his life," she said--the tears freely rolling down her cheeks. "The comments were unbearable. How could someone tell you that it was best that your daughter died?"

Sirius furrowed his eyebrows. "Someone said that?"

Althea nodded. "As if it were to comfort me," she said, roughly rubbing under her eyes with the palm of her hand. "You said it, as well. It was said so much that I began to believe it too."

"Oh, God...I am so sorry, Althea--"

"No!" Her eyes widened in terror and she pressed her back firmly into the armchair. "No, I won't let you!"

"Let me?" His head jerked back slightly. "I let you down most of all!" he said in earnest and leaned forward. "I should've been there for you. I should've been there to keep all this from happening."

"You couldn't, Sirius, those were choices I made."

"You wouldn't have made them if you had someone looking out for you," he said, looking into her eyes.

Althea's mouth partly opened in shock.

"They've shuffled you around for years," he explained--the muscles in his lower jaw tightening. "Took--no--abducted Prudence and chucked you off to Relief Healing. Took everything from you and they expect you to be happy?"

I don't believe this, she thought as Sirius continued his tirade. How could he not be upset with me? I made those horrific choices....

"Nursemaided at Hogwarts in the guise of Muggle Studies professor--"

Althea straightened herself as she sat. To hear it from someone else, she thought as Sirius ranted about Althea's poor and illogical placement. All those thoughts: the feeble Professor Morrigan that taught the useless Muggle Studies and not taken seriously by students and staff. I was a Healer and a Midwife...now the staff and students marvel that I can use a bloody wand. Something stirred within Althea as she remembered the patronizing looks and the frequent slips of 'just Muggle Studies'. Hogwarts was not her sanctuary, but her prison. She had to be looked after in her new prison--not one of dementors--but of well-meaning adults that believed she was not safe in the outside world. She was to be forgotten once more in her safe and pleasant hideaway. Indeed, she could not cause trouble for she felt perpetually indebted to Dumbledore--just how it was supposed to be. Hogwarts was the reminder of what might have happened--her death in Azkaban--and she was never to forget it. She had not grown into full adulthood. She remained stunted in a self-pitying state--always reminded of the goodness of others and the inherent awfulness of herself. As she continued to listen to Sirius, no longer was she stooped over by guilt and humiliation, but felt--for the first time--gratitude. Bloody hell, he--he understands.

"Now our Prudence is at Hogwarts and that's your consolation prize--that pathetic box?" He ran his fingers through his hair and growled.

"What about Derry?"

"What about it?" Sirius released his hand from his hair and let it fall loudly upon his thigh. "You killed the bitch that betrayed your father and the bastards that tortured you!"

"I--I shouldn't have."

Sirius sighed heavily. "My God, love, I would've done worse! They would've prayed for their deaths!"

"I've done so many horrible things," she said quietly, refusing to look at his face. "Did you not listen?"

"Yes, of course, I listened," he answered. "You had every right too. I don't need to forgive you because there is nothing to forgive."

"How could you say that?" she forced out--her throat painfully constricted. "I've deceived you--kept things hidden from you!"

"And I didn't?"

Althea lifted her face.

"If I had told you of the Secret Keeper plan--"

"You would never have told me it was Peter, Sirius," she interrupted. "It wouldn't have mattered, anyway. No one believed me--my testimony was in the dustbin. I was delusional. You've never had to undergo an Imperius Curse evaluation at St. Mungo's--"

"I understand, but--"

"Have you forgotten Prudence?"

"NONE OF THIS WOULD'VE HAPPENED IF I JUST TOLD YOU!"

Althea gasped. The room went silent--except for the clock that struck half past five. Sirius sat back and brought a shaky hand to his mouth--his eyes brightened with tears. Would it have happened? Would Althea have the strength from her knowledge in Sirius' innocence to overcome what she eventually faced? Would she--weary and defeated--have given up Prudence after running away? Would she have found unhealthy escape in drink and in Poppy Juice? Would she have murdered? Would his innocence have mattered? No, she thought, because I never mattered. I was a casualty that had to be looked after and nothing more. I didn't have the strength to fight anymore...even if I knew the truth.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Her voice sounded awkward and unnatural in the quiet room.

Sirius sniffed loudly. "I didn't want to burden you," he said ruefully, and rubbed his eye. "I didn't want you to know how truly bad it was.... Love, we had lost."

"You did it to protect me?"

Sirius nodded.

"Just as I tried to protect you?" She sat forward--her leg against his. "I thought you deserved some happiness after twelve damn years because I knew what it was like there. I didn't want to hurt you because--"

"You love me like I love you."

Althea halted her speech. The defenses of her rationalization slowly slipped away. She sank back in the chair. She did not want to hurt Sirius? Of course, I didn't want to hurt you! But.... Althea's tired eyes looked up toward the ceiling. She allowed her eyes to drift and follow the intricate pattern of the molding. I didn't want to change for you. I let myself get caught up in it. I wanted to be that stupid girl in the photograph...the one you loved.

"What am I to you?" She lowered her face to look at him.

Sirius frowned and remained silent.

She tilted her head to the side. "You've been gone for over twelve years, Sirius. You thought I was dead...how could you still love me? How is it possible?"

Sirius avoided her gaze. "It's not the same type of love," he replied, picking at the edge of the sofa cushion. "Why shouldn't I love you?" he asked, his eyes meeting hers. "You deserve to be loved, Althea. Don't interrupt me. You deserve to be loved."

Althea was silent. How could one remain in love for so long? She certainly did not remain in love with him for twelve years. She shifted her gaze to his mouth--he was still speaking, but she could not hear him. Her mind was consumed with the thought of Sirius' preposterous notion that, after everything, he was still in love with her. She was sure if she told any man or any woman, he or she would have judged her. Remus had. Gran had. She knew she was in constant judgment from Dumbledore. She was sure that if she had told Sirius, he would have cursed her, humiliated her, or ran away. However, there he sat--quite still--a man that knew every horrific detail, but did not judge her...he loved her.

In love with me? How could it be possible? What does 'in love' mean? 'In love'...it's just not possible, she thought as Sirius continued to speak. That word...'in'.... She hiccoughed and hastily covered her mouth when she realized what in meant. He was not in love with her--it was not possible--not after twelve years of believing in her death. Nevertheless, what sort of love was it? It was not the fickle lust that masqueraded as love that she felt when they were teenagers (when to be in love was the only sort of love), nor was it love that seemed to be for convenience sake (at least that is what she reasoned years after the fall of Voldemort--dating was very difficult with Death Eaters around). She understood what Sirius meant. A strange feeling of acceptance washed over her. It was love for the sake of love.

"God," Sirius began, sitting forward, "I will do everything to make you happy."

Sirius' words shook Althea out of her stupor. "Please, don't make promises. I believed those promises."

"It's not a promise," he replied--his voice earnest--his fingertips gently brushed loose strands of hair off her face. "Do you remember the last words you spoke to me our last night together?"

Althea slightly shook her head.

He looked somewhat disappointed, but said, "'You've made me happy'."

Althea did not dare open her mouth. She bit the inside of her lip to stifle the inappropriate laughter building inside. I reckon I was referring to sex, she thought, feeling small pangs of guilt at Sirius' different interpretation.

"I've failed miserably," he said, the tears welling in his eyes. "You trusted me--believed in me--and I failed. I left you like your--"

"Father," she whispered.

Sirius did not reply, but his eyes flickered with is response. That single moment, she thought as she placed her hand atop his forearm. The thought that Sirius was just as affected by her father's death startled her. From the moment she discovered his death, it was her pain. It was her loss. The sympathy and actions of others were to comfort her. She had not fully recognized how her father's death had affected those around her. How could I have been so stupid not to see it, she thought as her fingertips stroked his forearm. I was shaped by that moment...our relationship was shaped by that moment. He did what I did. We wanted to right it--that is why he understands....

"We've lived in the past too long."

Sirius' lips upturned slowly into a smile. "Yes," he whispered eagerly and his hand slid to the back of her neck. "None of it matters now. The war is over." He gently pulled her closer. "Nothing is stopping us from being together...how we should have been."

"No," she whispered and jerked her head away.

Sirius sighed with annoyance. "What?"

"How can you be so sure?" she asked and removed his hand. "You promise me now, but...when your name is cleared, you'll leave me."

"Oh, of all the--"

"How could I not think it? That under different circumstances--"

Sirius grabbed her shoulders. "I love you," he said, staring into her eyes. "Who do you think I'd leave you for?"

Althea lowered her face. "Someone without the baggage, someone who can give you what you need," she said and hesitated, "someone who can have children."

"Bollocks!" he said as his fingertips stroked her shoulders. The sensations on her bare skin were exquisite--she held her breath. "Do you really think--I was in Azkaban!"

"Right, I'm convenient, then? Don't have to work at it?"

"Don't have to work at it? What am I doing now?" he demanded and shook her slightly. Althea lifted her face to look into his eyes. "I want you. I've always wanted you."

She trembled at his earnest expression. "But you thought I was dead--"

"Stop making excuses!"

"They're not--"

"Why are you afraid?"

Althea was quiet.

"Why are you afraid?" he repeated---his eyes searching her face. "I know you want to be with me."

Althea blinked, which allowed a few tears to escape. "What life can we have?"

"What life?" he repeated as he used the pads of his thumbs to wipe the tears from her cheeks. "A bloody fantastic one--the one we're supposed to have!"

"But--"

"Stop fighting it!"

Althea violently pushed him away. "I don't want to live the rest of my life dodging dementors!"

Sirius leaned back on the sofa and stared at her, expressionless. She made an awful gasping noise and clasped a shaky hand to her mouth. She sank back into her chair and started to sob.

"It--it was--horrible," she said, barely able to catch her breath. "This--this year the--the dementors. I can't--can't fight them." She paused and forced herself to inhale a large breath. She looked up from her wet palms. Sirius' arm was outstretched with a handkerchief. Althea nodded with thanks and took the handkerchief. "I dreamt they caught you," she continued, wiping her eyes. "The officials forced me to watch--I just couldn't bear it!" She collapsed into sobs once more.

"I'm safe here," he said and Althea let out a yelp. "Look, the Ministry doesn't know I'm an Animagus and dementors only care about humans." She shuddered as she felt Sirius slide his arms around her. "It won't be easy," he said soothingly and pulled her close, "but I need you."

Althea hiccoughed. "Need?"

"Yes," he whispered and kissed the top of her head. "I need you."

Althea remained rigid in his arms as she contemplated his peculiar admission. Sirius had changed; twelve years ago, if she had kept such secrets, upon discovery he would have left her. However, twelve years later, he knew everything, and despite her protests and her well-meant deceit, he continued to comfort her and to express his love for her. No man in those twelve years, she thought as Sirius stroked her hair. I've been such a fool. Althea opened her bleary eyes. The first rays of the early morning sun peaked through the large windows. He realized it when he thought I was dead--when he lost everything...how much he needed us. He assumed we would always be there, and when we weren't.... Here we have that chance again, but I've fought it. I thought I was weak--I was told that I was weak for my feelings. I've suppressed them and never had the chance--

"I love you."

The change in Sirius was immediate--as it was in her. The rigidness in her posture left and she allowed herself to be fully encompassed in his arms. She no longer felt guilt in the happy feeling the closeness gave her. Her weariness and her emptiness that had become her intimate friends slipped away--she felt alive.

Reluctantly, she left Sirius' embrace and placed her palm against his cheek. "I was an idiot," she said and enjoyed the way his stubble felt against her fingertips.

Sirius smiled. "Indeed," he said and chuckled softly. He rested his forehead against hers. "I love you, too."

Althea caught her breath as his parted lips met hers. She felt a pleasant twinge in her stomach that she had not felt in years. After everything, he loves me and wants to be with me, she thought, reluctantly pulling away from him. She touched her wand to one of her tattoos and muttered a Concealment Charm. I reckon he never wants to see them again, she thought and winced again at the prickling sensation created as her tattoos slowly faded. Nor do I. Sirius yawned loudly and scratched the back of his head.

"It is late, isn't it?" she remarked as she stood up.

Sirius sleepily closed one eye. "Or early."

"Right," she breathed and held out her hand.

Sirius raised an eyebrow as he stared at her hand.

"I reckon that sofa isn't very comfortable for sleeping," she explained and slightly bit her bottom lip.

He shrugged and smiled. "I reckon it isn't."

***

The sore, cramped feeling in Althea's neck woke her from her sleep. She lifted her head from Sirius' shoulder and massaged her stiff neck. I'm not accustomed to sleeping like this, she thought and turned her head from side to side. He is so very thin.

Sirius stirred beneath her. "Wha--what's wrong?"

"Nothing," she said and kissed his chest. "A stiff neck--that's all."

Sirius yawned loudly and groaned when he moved his arm out from underneath her. "Stiff arm," he said as he massaged his left shoulder. "How did we ever sleep like this?"

Althea rolled over onto her back and sighed. She looked up at her ceiling as she spoke, "We were young...it was expected to bask in the afterglow of lovemaking."

She looked to Sirius, who was smiling to himself. "Afterglow?"

"Yes," she replied with a small smile and looked once more toward the ceiling, "afterglow."

"Sweaty, more like it," he murmured as she felt him sit up.

"Indeed," she sighed and lazily glanced at the clock on the nightstand--it was half past eleven in the morning.

Suddenly, Sirius pounced atop Althea, and she let out a gasp of surprise. She looked up at Sirius and began to giggle. "What?" she asked as he eagerly grinned above her.

Sirius quickly raised and lowered his eyebrows.

Althea sighed happily and stroked a lock of hair behind his left ear. It swiftly fell back into his face. "Is sex the only reason we're back together?" she asked as she playfully narrowed her eyes.

"It isn't the only reason," he answered and lowered his head to kiss her lips. "But it's a bloody fantastic one."

"It's the only one you can think of at the moment," she said and winked.

Sirius's fingertips leisurely glided up and down her cheek. "God," he breathed, his eyes hungrily taking in her face. "I never thought I'd be in bed--here, with you--ever again."

"Indeed," she murmured, resting her hands against his chest.

Althea lifted her face to meet his. She smiled when she felt the quickening of his heartbeat against her fingertips.

"Unreal," he whispered and smiled.