Ebb and Flow

Hogwarts, May 1994

***

A grinning James Potter held the Quidditch Cup underneath his arm as Sirius slapped him on the upper back, and pulled a smiling, bushy-haired Althea closer to him. That was a fantastic game, Althea thought, stroking the side of the photograph she nicked from the Trophy Room. James hoisted the Quidditch Cup over his head and Sirius stole a quick kiss from Althea.

Sighing, she held the photograph closer to her face. "You'd be proud of him, James. Just like you," she said and placed the photograph in her top desk drawer.

Leaning back in her chair, she smiled as she glanced at the bag of fifty Galleons that rested atop the corner of her desk. Those were fifty Galleons Severus Snape no longer had. Another person might have felt slight pangs of guilt taking money from a poor schoolteacher, but the only pangs Althea felt were those of hunger. Serves him right, she thought, sitting upright. Betting against Gryffindor--he's always been a stupid git. Reluctantly shifting her attention away from the bag of Galleons, she picked up a stack of essays on Muggle sport and frowned. It's too beautiful outside to spend the entire day marking essays, she thought, throwing the stack back on her desk. I'll go for a walk, but before I do, I think I'll sit here and open the envelope Gran sent me--I could find this highly amusing today.

Althea opened the large, manila envelope and pulled out its contents. "Bloody hell," she muttered, as she stared at the unsigned divorce papers. "Gran, what is the point?" she sighed, tossing the divorce papers onto her desk.

The divorce papers slid across and fell off her desk and, by the sound they made as they hit the floor, she knew they scattered. Muggle divorce papers, she thought, resting her chin against her folded arms on her desk. Our marriage never existed--at least legally in the Ministry's eyes. We were living a farce Gran--that paper means nothing. We never wanted to marry, anyway.

"Then why is it so bloody difficult to sign them?" she murmured and sighed.

I know why I didn't sign them; it would mean moving on, she answered, leaning back in her chair. Why wouldn't she want to move on with her life? They were not going to be together again, and she was not doing it out of some profound loyalty--he had broken that a long time ago. Althea rested her legs on top of her desk and gazed out of the window as a sparrow landed on the widow ledge. I know I made a mistake--I know that now. He lied to me the entire time we were together. At Harry's birth, he was already a spy for Voldemort, she thought as she observed another sparrow join its friend on the window ledge. He had to have been--no one laughs after killing thirteen people with a single curse.

"It must be nice to be a sparrow," she said, watching the sparrows hop along the window ledge. "You have nothing to be afraid of."

What could she be afraid of? I'm afraid of ending up alone, she thought as one of the sparrows flew away. Alone, she mused and laughed bitterly. What have I been for these past twelve--going on thirteen years? I've been alone. Sirius was her security. Who would want an infertile, emotional wreck of a witch as a lover? Sirius would--he would not know different--he was imprisoned in Azkaban. That marriage certificate, which meant nothing in her world, gave her that false sense of security that she was never truly alone. She had someone--Sirius--but he was away. Gran was right--she never was in her right mind when it came to Sirius.

"I feel so pathetic," she whispered as the last of the sparrows flew away.

Standing, she walked to the other side of her desk and picked up the divorce papers. All I have to do is sign this paper and I'll be free, she thought, still crouching on the floor. Her knees popping as she stood, she placed the divorce papers on her desk, and sat in her chair. She would sign them--she had to sign them. Dipping her quill in ink, she scanned the document to where she should sign. Finding the line to sign her name, she paused to determine that her quill had enough ink. Why am I stalling, she thought angrily, letting the quill tip touch the paper. It's not like I'm abandoning him. In some abnormal way, I'll always love him--he was the father of Prudence. The thought of Prudence caused the blood vessels in her arms to constrict, sending sharp pains up into her shoulders. Placing the quill on top of the paper, she rubbed her shoulders. Prudence--Sirius took Prudence away from her. Sirius sent those Death Eaters after her. Remus is right, I do treat his memory too well, she thought, picking up her quill. In a grand flourish signed her name.

"Finally," she sighed, holding up the signed divorce papers before her.

Althea closed her eyes, enjoying the afternoon sunlight upon her face. In a few weeks, she would return to her Bermuda home. No more Hogwarts, she thought, imagining herself upon her beach--the saltwater lapping against her toes. No more Sirius.

***

Unexpectedly, the sound of a young girl shrieking in pain caused Althea to jolt upright. Immediately she stood, pulled her wand from her robes, and hurried toward the door as the girl continued to scream. Althea gasped as she entered the corridor to find a Death Eater advancing on Prudence, who lay on the stone floor. Only this was not a Death Eater--it did not have a wand. A boggart that came from that broom cupboard, she thought, horrified as Prudence huddled on the floor.

"RIDDIKULUS!" she roared, pointing her wand at the boggart.

The boggart left Prudence's side and turned its attention toward Althea.

"RIDDIKULUS!" she shouted again, but the boggart laughed--a bark-like laugh.

Althea gasped and the boggart continued to laugh--removing its hood. "Like that silly incantation could work on me," Sirius replied, smiling wickedly.

His skeleton-like features repulsed Althea.

"Oh, do I repulse you?" he asked, walking toward her.

"Riddikulus!" she replied firmly, pointing her wand at the boggart.

Sirius walked toward her as she shouted Riddikulus again. "Come on, lower your wand," he replied, walking closer.

Althea took a step toward Prudence--shielding her from Sirius.

"Come on, be a good girl and lower your wand," he said, reaching out to lower her wand.

Althea refused to yield. "Riddikulus, damn it!"

"I'm not a bloody boggart."

Althea caught her breath. "No," she murmured as she looked into Sirius's dead eyes.

"I knew it was you," he whispered, stepping forward. "Where else would you live in Hogwarts? I had to visit it, too--God, I ache for you."

Althea stepped back.

Sirius looked over her shoulder and frowned. "Prudence?" he said, eyes watering with tears. "Our--our daughter? As beautiful as her mother--"

"Don't--"

"Oh, Althea! Please forgive me for what I did! I did it for you--for the baby. I couldn't let you die!" he said ruefully, and buried his face in his hands.

Althea, horrified, looked upon the sobbing Sirius. I knew, she thought, swallowing the bile that rose into her throat.

Sirius shook, slowly removing his hands from his face--laughing. "Did you actually believe I'd do that for you?" he remarked, taking his wand from his belt. "Get over yourself, Althea!" he said, twirling his wand between his fingers. "You were in the way and Lily changed James. I had to get rid of all of you."

Althea screamed and Sirius deftly blocked her curse.

"What? Don't like to hear the truth?" he asked, his thin face forming a grotesque smile. "You know, sometimes people will believe the biggest lie," he mused and sighed. "We were losing--I had to think of myself. I knew you were too weak to join me and I knew James was, too."

"You bastard!" she snarled and Sirius laughingly blocked her curse again.

Sirius's laughter echoed throughout the corridor. "Oh, you can't get rid of me so easily," he hissed, walking closer to her. Althea's wand rested against his chest. "You are obsessed with me--aren't you? You've always had a strong feeling for me--love, hate, but never indifference," he said knowingly, and paused. "I wonder...you would...definitely in your office...maybe even this corridor...."

"Son of a bitch--"

"Oh, but we were always a bit loud, so not with Prudence here," he continued, furrowing his eyebrows. "Prudence--you know, if you truly cared for your daughter, you'd forget about me and rush to her side."

"Don't--"

Sirius laughed. "You care more about your ego," he remarked, smirking. He quickly pivoted and knelt at Prudence's side.

"Get away from her!" Althea shouted frantically, pointing her wand at Sirius. "Get away from her, you bastard!"

Sirius waved his hand at Althea dismissively. "She doesn't know that her mummy and daddy are murderers, does she?" he asked, taking his hand to Prudence's face. "Oh, your daddy loves you very much," he whispered malevolently, stroking Prudence's cheek.

Enraged, Althea rushed into Sirius knocking him backward. Sirius rolled over on top of her and laughed.

"Isn't the truth liberating?"

"I'll kill you!" she growled and spat in his face.

Sirius laughed. "You can't kill me," he replied, pinning her down. "Didn't you secretly wish that I would escape so you could be with me?"

"Never!" she growled, struggling against him.

"Could you imagine that reunion? Could you imagine the sex--two murdering, narcissistic sociopaths--"

"I'll kill you!"

"An empty threat," he laughed, as Althea's hand broke free. "You can't kill someone you feel pity for--isn't that what you feel for me?"

Althea transfigured a pencil in her robe pocket into a penknife.

Sirius bent forward and nuzzled her neck. He loudly inhaled. "God, it's been twelve years," he whispered as she reached into her pocket to retrieve the penknife. "No more struggling--that's my girl--"

Sirius's eyes widened as Althea jabbed the blade of the penknife into his abdomen. Wrapping her arm around his back, she pulled him toward her--thrusting the blade deeper into his abdomen. Althea rolled him onto his back and pulled the blade from his stomach.

"You did it," he breathed with disbelief, blood seeping from the corner of his mouth....

Althea woke with a start. She hurriedly blinked her eyes as she surveyed her sunny office. The sound of Alexander Star's seductive voice filled her office as he teased 'Davina':

Smile and laugh, you sweet, sad creature.

So full of love, and yet, no one to reach you.

Bloom, bloom, althea.

Oh, Davina, your eyes of ocean's blue--

Althea pointed her wand at the phonograph and Alexander Star's voice quieted. You weren't that bloody good, she thought, slowly turning her chair from side to side. She smirked as she remembered Alexander's lustrous blond mane between her legs. I reckon when they capture Sirius, I could tell him that bit of information...let him remember that for the next twelve years.

Suddenly, Althea heard a frightened girl's screams. Oh God, she thought, leaping from her chair. Her wand drawn, Althea burst forth from her office into the corridor. Across from the broom closet, stood Prudence--pale, her eyes widened in fright--as the hooded figure in Azkaban robes rushed toward her.

"No!" Althea said, thrusting her wand toward the figure as Prudence fainted.

The figure stopped, turned, and removed its hood. Standing before her was Sirius Black as his twenty-one-year-old self. Althea gasped as the handsome Sirius's lips curved into an arrogant smile.

"Alexander Star's cock is bigger," she said, pointing her wand at the confused Sirius. "Riddikulus!"

With a puff of smoke, the boggart was gone. Sighing loudly, she paused for a moment, staring at the empty space before her. When did I start to fear Sirius, she thought, smoothing the hair from her face. Bloody hell. Prudence lay still upon the floor. Althea rushed forward and knelt at her side. Her stomach tightened as she closely observed her daughter for the first time since she was a baby. Her shaking hand timidly stretched forward, and carefully stroked Prudence's long black curls away from her face. She's so soft, she thought, raising her other hand to her own face. Her hair, her skin, she feels just like me, she continued, removing her hand from her own face.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered painfully--her fingertips refusing to let go of Prudence's face.

"Althea, is she all right?"

Althea's head jerked upward and she quickly retracted her hand. "Oh, Remus--I didn't hear you," she began, wiping her eyes with the palms of her hands. "She'll be fine. I--I should take her to my office," she finished, furrowing her eyebrows.

Remus placed his hand on Althea's shoulder. "I'll carry her."

"No, no," she replied, shaking her head. "I--I can do this myself."

"Althea, please--"

"Let me hold her," she said, her forefinger tracing the side of Prudence's face.

Carefully, she scooped up Prudence into her arms, with Remus steadying her as she did so. You've grown up so much since the last time I held you, she thought as she slowly walked toward her office door. Remus held the door open for her as she entered her office. Refusing to acknowledge her aching arms, she carried Prudence over to her couch, and lovingly placed a blanket over her--taking care to tuck the soft blanket underneath her arms.

"What happened?" Remus asked, bringing over a chair for Althea.

"A boggart," she whispered, continuing to look at Prudence. "Her greatest fear is her father."

"Oh God," he murmured, slumping into the chair next to her. He covered his face with his trembling hand.

Althea nodded. "I heard her scream and found her on the ground," she began, taking Prudence's hand in hers. "She's so beautiful," she continued, bringing Prudence's hand to her cheek. "What have I done?"

"You've done nothing," he said, uncovering his face.

Althea closed her eyes. "You're right, I've done nothing to protect her--"

"Nonsense," he whispered heatedly. "It is Sirius's fault, and his, alone!"

Althea opened her eyes and kissed Prudence's hand--her lips touched a smooth ring. She frowned slightly as she looked upon the gold band a little big for such a small finger. Easing the ring around Prudence's finger, she let out a gasp of amazement, as there upon Prudence's finger, was Althea's ring. I don't believe this, she thought, her finger faintly jiggling the gold and amethyst ring. Large tears formed in the corners of Althea's eyes. You carry me with you.

"Remus, look--look what's on her hand!"

"I didn't know you gave her that ring," he said, leaning closer to examine the ring.

"I put it in the letter I wrote--along with pictures," she explained, wiping the tears from her eyes.

Althe--fearing she would never be able to tell Prudence the truth--had written a letter for Prudence that detailed the circumstances of Prudence's birth and adoption. She included pictures of herself with Sirius and a copy of the picture just taken after Prudence's birth. At the last moment before handing Prudence to the Parkers, Althea slipped the ring into the envelope and sealed it, secretly placing the envelope in Prudence's blanket. I charmed the blanket to always smell of my perfume, she thought, letting go of her daughter's hand. Did you keep it, too?

Althea quickly turned toward Remus. "Do you think she knows?" she asked, the panic rising in her voice. "I mean, if she has the ring--maybe--maybe they gave her the letter, too. Oh God, Remus!" she said excitedly, grabbing his forearms. "She wasn't supposed to get that letter until she was an adult witch--if she ever received it. I thought they'd find it and throw it away."

Remus pried her hands from his forearms. "I don't think she knows," he said softly, resting his hands atop hers. Remus furrowed his eyebrows--frowning. "Althea, did you write that--"

Althea vigorously shook her head. "No, I couldn't. Could you imagine what that would do?" she whispered, returning her gaze to her daughter. "He's not on her birth certificate."

Althea noticed Prudence began to shift, and her heart pounded violently against her chest. Prudence opened her eyes and wildly scanned Althea's office.

"Where--what--what happened?" she asked, sitting up. Prudence's grey eyes widened. "Sirius--"

Althea swallowed a breath as she heard her daughter speak. We sound almost alike, she thought, building up enough courage to speak.

"It wasn't Black," she said, tending to Prudence's blanket. "It was a boggart,"

"A boggart?"

Althea nodded. "It shows us what we most fear," she said, leaning forward.

"So, it wasn't?" she asked, forming a tiny crease between her eyebrows.

Althea vigorously shook her head. "Absolutely not."

Prudence let out a little sigh.

"How do you feel?"

Prudence uneasily shifted on the couch. "Okay, I reckon," she muttered, her cheeks transforming to a shade of pale pink. "I'm embarrassed--that's about it."

Althea smiled warmly--praying that the excitement of her first interaction with her daughter would not betray her. "There's nothing to be ashamed of, Prudence."

Remus moved closer to Prudence. "No one would expect you to handle a boggart."

Prudence rubbed her forehead, the amethyst catching the sunlight.

Althea smiled. "What a beautiful ring," she commented, looking from the ring to Prudence's grey eyes.

God, it's as if I'm looking into Sirius's eyes, she thought, taking a nervous breath. Prudence looked at her ring and smiled--her smile showed the same white, perfect teeth that Sirius exposed when he smiled.

"Thanks, my parents gave this as my present for Hogwarts," she explained, wiggling her finger.

Parents. Althea's heart ached inside her chest and she took a deep breath to steady herself. She desperately wanted to grab Prudence and to hold her close to her. She wanted to divulge everything to Prudence--to tell her she was her mother, the circumstances, and that she loved her. But her parents--Prudence did not know. Althea was not her parent--she gave that beautiful young girl away. She forfeited any chance when she handed Prudence to Mrs. Parker. Althea was not her mother, Mrs. Parker was.

Althea released her breath and smiled. "You must love your parents very much."

Prudence nodded.

"And they must love you very much, too."

Prudence smiled and nodded.

"You're so very lucky," she said--her nerves coming undone as Prudence stared at her through those thick black lashes. "I--I'm sure Professor Lupin will help you with boggarts," she added, turning her gaze toward Remus.

"Of course, I'll help. I have some free time this afternoon. Just come by my office," he replied, rubbing his hands together. He looked around the room before he pleasantly smiled at Prudence. "I'm sure there's another boggart lurking about somewhere."

Prudence blushed. "Thank you, Professors. I suppose you'll be taking points away from Gryffindor," she replied quietly, lowering her head. "Or give me detention."

"We're not going to take any points away," Althea replied with an amused smile, "or give you detention. You're safe and that's all that matters. However, I do think you've learned your lesson."

"Yeah, I have," she replied, kicking her heel against the stone floor. "Er--is it all right if I go now?" she asked, placing the blanket to the side.

Althea nodded. "Of course."

"Thank you," she said, standing.

Althea watched Prudence as she walked toward the door. This isn't fair, she thought as Prudence paused at the door.

"I'll come to your office later, Professor Lupin," she said, turning the doorknob.

"Until then, Prudence."

Midway through turning the doorknob, Prudence paused. "Professor Morrigan, may I ask you a question?" she asked shyly and bit her bottom lip.

Althea's throat constricted. "Of course, what would you like to ask?"

Prudence looked at her shoes and furrowed her eyebrows. "What is your boggart?" she asked, finally looking at Althea.

"Oh," she replied, somewhat stunned. "I--I see a big, black dog."

Remus deliberately looked at Althea.

Althea saw Prudence mouth a big, black dog with slight bewilderment. "Thank you, Professor. Goodbye," she replied, opening the door.

"Bye," Althea replied, rubbing her upper arms.

Althea longingly watched as Prudence exited her office and shut the door behind her. How she didn't want that exchange to end!

"Are you all right?" he asked, resting his hand on her shoulder.

Althea sighed. "No, but I will be," she said, looking at the door. "I would really like to be alone."

"You know where to find me," he sighed and gently squeezed her shoulder.

"Thanks," she muttered, resting her hand atop of his.

Remus squeezed her shoulder one last time and walked toward the door. Althea half-heartedly waved as he closed her office door. Alone and raw with every emotion, she walked over to her desk. In the third drawer from the top, she produced a sliver picture frame and held it tightly in her hands. No one's here to see me cry anyway, she thought, so why hold it in. Her blurry eyes examined the photograph in her hands. They had just discovered that morning that Althea was pregnant, and went to tell James and Lily. Althea watched as a proud Sirius continued to point to her stomach, to kiss her stomach, and to lift her up into the air--swinging her around.

Althea grasped the picture frame tighter--her knuckles turning white. "Damn you, Sirius," she began bitterly--her hands shaking from anger. "Everyday I have to live with the fact our daughter calls someone else mummy--that I can't touch her, or hug her, or tell her that I love her. I hope they catch you and may your soulless body rot in Azkaban!" she finished angrily and threw the picture frame across her office.

The glass of the picture frame exploded as it hit the wall, sending large and small shards all over her stone floor. Althea collapsed upon her chair, covering her face with her hands.