Ebb and Flow

Hogwarts, February 1994

***

According to Dr. Henry Harley, there was no greater Muggle invention than the Muggle automobile. The societal, environmental, and economic implications of the automobile were far reaching from the beginning of its invention: the automobile allowed Muggles to travel without restriction and to live where they wanted. The automobile expanded Muggle geographic borders; Muggles were no longer relegated to live near streams or other large bodies of water....

Althea placed the thick parchment on her desk, removed her reading glasses, and soothingly rubbed her temples with her fingertips. The introductory paragraph of Hermione Granger's essay had already caused her to develop a slight headache. I asked for a foot of parchment, and she's given me a master's thesis on the implications of the Muggle automobile. Althea picked up the parchment and flipped to the last page. She has even included a bibliography. Hermione, your mind belongs in a university, not some wizard school, she thought, closing her eyes and leaning back in her chair.

"Althea, are you all right?" Remus asked, gently shaking her shoulder.

Althea gingerly rubbed her stiff neck, and realized she must have dozed off. One bloody essay read, she thought, blinking.

"What? Yeah, yeah, I'm all right," she replied, sitting up. "What time is it?"

"Past dinner," he replied, leaning against her desk. "I'll have the house-elves prepare something if you'd like."

Althea shook her head. "No, that's all right. I was marking essays," she replied, pointing to Hermione's thick parchment. "Unfortunately, I fell asleep before I could finish."

Remus picked up the thick parchment, and scanned its contents. "Ah, Hermione's work," he said, placing the parchment on her desk before her. "Very clever girl."

"I almost want to tell her to teach the class," she replied, eyeing the thick parchment. "Maybe I'll resign when she leaves."

Remus frowned, pulling a chair next to her. "You were never meant to be a schoolteacher."

"Of course, I wasn't," she agreed, stretching her legs before her. "I wanted to be Midwife and Healer, but things happened," she added and sighed bitterly. "Unfortunately, I was rudely reminded of that last week."

Remus nodded. "I still don't know how you kept yourself so composed," he said as Althea stood. "I would have torn out his throat."

"I don't think I have it in me to kill," she said, walking to her window. "Anymore, at least."

She rested her forehead against the cool glass and closed her eyes. There was a time when she could kill--quite easily in fact. She had attempted to kill Sirius as she passed his cell when they brought her there. She attempted to kill him on other occasions, as well. In her hellish cell, hours would pass as she imagined her thin hands squeezing the last breath from his throat. She reasoned that if she killed him all would return to normal. He was a festering wound, a parasite that needed removal from the world. She was younger, stupid, and full of rage, self-loathing, and self-pity. It took Azkaban to break her.

"I think he's more miserable alive," she said, stroking the cold windowpane with her index finger. "Always like him though, to escape that way--so pompous. 'Like Sirius rising from Oceanus, brilliant and beautiful but full of menace for the flocks,'" she mused, pressing her thumb hard against the windowpane to leave a thumbprint.

Remus sat behind her on the window ledge. "I don't understand why he didn't kill you," he wondered, resting the back of his head against the windowpane.

"What is there to understand?" she asked, looking down at Remus. "He could never kill me," she added, restoring her gaze to outside her window. "I realized that after much thought this afternoon."

"What about the Death Eaters after James and Lily died?"

"He could never kill me himself, he sent them...so I've been told," she explained, sitting on the window ledge next to him. "What we should be asking is why he didn't kill Ron Weasley and the rest of the dormitory?"

Remus frowned. "He screamed though, and he wasn't the target."

It was Althea's turn to frown. "Do you think it would matter to a man who killed twelve Muggles and Peter? Not to mention handing his best friend and mine to Voldemort?" she asked aloud and ran her fingers through her hair. "He never made much sense, did he?"

Remus shook his head. "No, he didn't," he replied, turning his head toward Althea. "I don't believe he's mad though."

"Neither do I," she replied, resting her temple against the windowpane. "How did he survive?"

"How did you?"

"I didn't," she answered, lifting the side of her face from the windowpane, "I wanted to escape and the only way was through death." Althea furrowed her eyebrows. "I never told you much about my time there, have I?"

"No. We've avoided the subject repeatedly."

"I don't think anyone talks willingly," she replied and took a deep breath. "This is very strange--I will never understand it--how good Sirius was to me."

Remus's face paled as he looked at Althea. "Good?"

Althea nodded. "Good," she repeated solemnly. "I told you it was very strange."

"How?" he asked, furrowing his eyebrows. "You have to be mistaken."

"I'm not, I swear," she replied in earnest, placing a hand over her heart. "Once, when the dementors were hungry--it happened when I first arrived--he told me not to think," she continued and Remus's eyebrows slightly lifted from surprise. "He told me not to think or they'd take my soul.... What sort of dark wizard would help me?" she explained and shook her head. "Briefly, I thought he knew it was me--"

"He couldn't have," he interrupted, shaking his head. "I saw the photographs of you, I didn't recognize you--I didn't recognize you in Alexandria at first.... When you were Derry, you were a different person."

"An evil person," she replied, frowning. "I killed people like him. I can't even begin to count the times I attempted to kill him from my cell, and still, when the dementors came..." she paused, taking a shaky breath, "he would tell me not to think."

"He was very coherent, then?"

Althea nodded slowly. "Very--except when he went into rages or talked in his sleep. Other times he went quiet--that usually happened after the rages," she explained and bit her lip at the awkward silence.

She furrowed her eyebrows in thought. How did Sirius survive? Maybe the darkness consumed him and helped him to survive, she thought, stroking a loose curl behind her ear. It doesn't explain how he helped me, though. If he were truly dark, wouldn't he have wanted me to have my soul taken from me? Althea sighed and stretched her legs out before her. Or, he could have enjoyed torturing me...I was his only human interaction.

"You didn't tell Dumbledore everything?"

Althea shook her head slowly. "He told me that he loved me."

Remus paled. "That he loved you?"

Althea nodded. "Remus, I heard him screaming for me that night I was tortured," she said, staring at the tips of her indigo shoes. "I know what he did now--don't argue--he traded my life for theirs. When he thought it too late--"

"Althea," Remus said, taking her hand, "it doesn't make sense."

"None of it made sense," she said and squeezed his hand. "I've spent over twelve years attempting to sort it out. How am I to live my life while he's alive? I've tried--I've tried to move on, to date--bloody hell, I was engaged--but, I live in fear of any man discovering that I loved him."

"Althea--"

"It's true," she said, taking her hand from him. "Imagine the questions it would bring. Why didn't I see that he was dark? How could I have not known just how evil he was? How could I have been so stupid, so weak? You should've seen the horrified faces at St. Mungo's when they determined I wasn't under the Imperius Curse, but that I actually did love him."

Remus was silent.

"Muggles are no better," she said, frowning slightly. "At least some Muggle women might find the fact you transform into a blood-thirsty beast once a month a little romantic or enticing, but I tell a Muggle man that I'm a witch and he's out the door."

"Are you sure they're not frightened of Gran?"

Althea let out a bitter laugh. "The old woman approves of anyone that isn't Sirius," she said and nudged Remus. "You know that."

"How could I forget?" he teased and stuck out his tongue.

"He was very powerful, wasn't he?"

"Frighteningly powerful," he murmured, rubbing his chin.

"I never knew just how much, I guess," she remarked, folding her arms. "What did he do?"

"Althea, are you sure?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "Why relive--"

"Yes, of course."

"I don't want to upset you."

"I reckon I couldn't get anymore upset."

Remus inhaled a deep breath and slowly exhaled.

"Get on with it."

"Right," he murmured and smoothed the hair away from his face. "Dumbledore used him for the most dangerous of missions--Sirius wouldn't have had it any other way, honestly. He did use James, but that was before Harry was born," explained, looking into her eyes. "So, you see where this is leading--"

"You're saying that my pregnancy caused his change?" she asked--slightly raising her voice--her eyes narrowing.

"Oh no, no," he replied quickly, vigorously shaking his head. "When you became pregnant, Dumbledore thought it would be best if Sirius took the less dangerous missions. They had an awful row--well, it was only Sirius--but Dumbledore relented. That night, on a mission...he blew up a Death Eater."

"He what?" she asked--wide-eyed--leaning forward.

"Blew him up--like a Muggle landmine or grenade," he replied, an odd shiver crossed his face.

"Was it in self-defense?"

"No," he answered quietly, and Althea covered her mouth from shock and disgust. "I was horrified," he continued, rubbing his hands together. "He walked away as if it were nothing. He made me swear not to tell anyone, and stupidly, I didn't," he finished, looking at his hands--his knuckles turning white.

Althea placed her hand atop his and soothingly stroked his clenched hands. "How did he--you know--blow up the Death Eater?"

"A curse," he answered, slipping his slightly sweaty hand in hers. "I asked him where he learned it, but he refused to say.... It was dark, Althea," he added, sadly looking into her eyes.

"He probably learned it from his family."

One doesn't live in the Black family house without learning something, she thought, remembering certain pieces of information Sirius had told her. She remembered the library he told her about--the library filled with dark items and dark books. She also remembered the hidden compartments and secret rooms throughout the Black family house that Sirius discovered while his parents were away--secret rooms and compartments that housed--no doubt--more dark items.

"I don't think he learned it from his family," he replied, letting go of her hand. "I later discovered that Death Eater was attempting to leave Voldemort's service. It wasn't coincidence."

"Bloody hell," she murmured, shaking her head, and small, expression of worry developed across her face. "Do you--do you think he could still do that?"

Remus sighed heavily and rubbed his chin. "If he had a wand, possibly."

"I can't believe I had a child with him," she said, resting her hand upon her abdomen.

"Prudence is a good girl--"

"How can she be?" she asked, absently massaging her stomach. "With both parents as murderers?"

"He killed because he could."

"And that is supposed to make me feel better?" she remarked and laughed mirthlessly. "I killed out of some warped sense of self-preservation."

"You weren't in your right mind," he began and looked to his shoes, "and I should've taken you with me--"

"No," she replied forcefully, resting her hand on his forearm. "I needed to go.... Really, look where you found me--"

"You still owe me fifty Galleons," he interrupted, smiling hollowly.

"Right, I'll pay you later," she remarked and laughed uneasily. "Have you ever returned?"

"There?" he asked and shook his head. "No, after you, I was mortified."

"I've evoked many feelings in men, but never mortification," she replied, eyeing Remus with amusement. "I believe you're the first."

"I should've taken you with me after that.... I wasn't much of a friend at that time," he replied as he smoothed the hair from his face. "I didn't want friends."

"You were there for me in Alexandria," she replied, sliding closer to him. "I was so abusive to you though."

"I didn't put up with it--"

"I remember," she interrupted, resting the side of her face against his shoulder. She smiled as Remus placed his arm around her waist. "It was after I insulted--"

"Insulted is a kind word for what you did. More like violent, emotional wounding."

"Right, 'violent, emotional wounding,'" she murmured, taking his other hand in hers. "Anyway, you looked at me, and said--I'll never forget--'I'm done. To hell with Gran and to hell with you.' Then you walked out. God, everything changed for me then."

"I was very firm in my decision, as you can see," he replied, holding her tightly to him.

"You didn't speak to me for over a year," she reminded, playing with his fingers. "I wanted to prove myself to you...that you shouldn't have given up on me."

"You are a different person...I'm a different person," he explained and kissed the top of her head. "No matter what you think, I never gave up on you," he whispered, turning her face to his.

Althea smiled and he tweaked her nose.

"Oh, I have something," he added, reaching into his robe pocket. He pulled out a worn piece of parchment, and handed it to her.

Althea quizzically stared at the worn, folded parchment. "What's this?" she asked as she unfolded it. "It's a blank piece of parchment, Remus. Why did you give me a blank piece of parchment?"

"You haven't seen this before?" he asked in amazement, and started to laugh. "Tap it with your wand and say 'Professor Althea Morrigan,'" he explained, smiling.

With a raised eyebrow, Althea tapped the parchment and said her name. Suddenly, writing appeared before her eyes. Althea covered her mouth in shock and laughter as she read the parchment:

Mr. Prongs wonders in astonishment why Hogwarts would hire a deviant like Morrigan.

Mr. Wormtail apologizes that Morrigan must work with a slimy git like Snape.

Mr. Moony believes Morrigan must have the patience of an angel to work with an idiot like Snape.

Mr. Padfoot adds that he has been a very naughty boy and deserves detention...he'll bring the wine.

"Do you know what it is now?" he asked, taking the parchment from her.

"I thought Filch confiscated it," she remembered, staring at the map in his hands. "Then, when you went to look for it, it was gone."

"It was," he began and folded the map, "Harry had it."

Althea's eyes widened from surprise. "Harry had it?" she gasped, slamming the palm of her hand on the window ledge. "How'd he get that?"

"I'm not sure, but Snape called me into his office about it. He thought Harry had gotten the map from me--"

"But he was the one that got Filch to confiscate it," she interrupted and rested her head against the windowpane.

"I know," he sighed, placing the map into his robe pocket. "Harry's used it to get to Hogsmeade."

Althea's heart stopped briefly as she lifted her head from the windowpane. "Hogsmeade? That stupid boy."

"He's like his father," Remus sighed, and Althea noticed a small, sad smile forming across his face. "I did scold him on it though--made him feel guilty, I think."

Althea smiled. "Let's hope guilt works, and the part that's like Lily takes over until Sirius is captured," she said and patted Remus's knee.