Pinnacle

Chapter One: Apples

Let yourself go. Pull out from the depths those thoughts that you do not understand, and spread them out in the sunlight and know the meaning of them.

--E.M. Forster, A Room with a View

It had always been like this.

Remus Lupin sat in front of an empty grate in the Gryffindor common room, shivering, his head deep in his hands. His lips were blue, his limbs shivering violently, his teeth clenched with fury. He was always alone...so alone...

The days leading up to the full moon were the worst. Every sense was heightened to the point where he could barely stand to be in class because of the incessant scratching of quills against parchment. He would lash out at his closest friends, angrily storming away before they could ask what was wrong. Remus groaned and pushed harder on his eyes, trying to erase the images that ceaselessly flickered through his mind.

"Your forehead is burning up, Moony!" Sirius had exclaimed, surprised, earlier that day. Remus had growled irritably, pushing Sirius' hand aside.

"I'm fine," he grunted through gritted teeth. "I have to go to the library..." He stomped away, his red and gold scarf blowing in the chilled autumn wind, leaving behind Sirius, his hand still outstretched, a look of mild hurt on his face.

He tried not to hit the roof during the five or so days before the full moon, but even an innocent touch made his skin burn like wildfire. Just the thought made Remus shudder, pressing his eyes until he saw concentric rings of darkness, scattered with sparkling blue lights. He reminded himself again and again of why he couldn't tell them...why he must always be alone...

"You're a threat to society!" his mother screamed, rounding on the small boy. "You can never lead a normal life, Remus! Can't you understand that?"

Remus retreated his right hand, the Hogwarts letter shaking violently. "Mum..." he whispered, moving a step closer.

"NO Remus!" she cried hoarsely, backing up three steps to his one. "I absolutely refuse to place you somewhere you could hurt people! You could KILL people, Remus! I've kept you...isn't that enough? ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?"

Remus felt unwanted tears slip from his golden eyes. "No..." he whispered, holding out his hand once more, entreating. "Mum...please..."

"REMUS STOP!" she screamed, picking up her hairbrush from the nightstand. "Isn't it enough that your father LEFT because of you? Haven't you caused me enough pain?"

His gaze flickered onto the hairbrush in her hands, and he hastened back, his eyes wide with fright. "Please Mum, I just want to have friends!" he whimpered, his shirt collar soaked with salt.

"You can never have friends! You must ALWAYS be alone, Remus! Always!" She began to advance on him, her silk lavender bathroom swinging menacingly. "Do you know how many times I've regretted having children?" she continued, brandishing the hairbrush as her dark eyes grew wilder. "I never wanted you Remus! NEVER! Your father wanted a child, and look what he got? A MONSTER!"

She threw the brush.

Remus felt the silver hit his neck. A rush of white-hot pain blinded him as he hit the floor, his knees crumbling under him. A horrible, high-pitched scream of pure anguish ripped through the elegant bedroom...in his last moment of consciousness he realized it had been his own...

"REMUS!"

Remus' head snapped up, his eyes rimmed with red. Little fireworks danced across his blurred vision before he could focus on a face in front of him.

"Sirius," he mumbled, closing his eyes and placing them back in his hands. "What're you doing here...you should be asleep..."

"You wouldn't answer me," the dark-haired boy replied, his voice laced with concern. "What's going on, mate?"

Remus shook his head violently in his hands, still feeling the ghostly remains of his tears. A calloused hand pushed aside Remus' hands and grabbed his chin, tilting it up to face Sirius.

"Open your eyes," Sirius instructed quietly. Remus shook his head, biting his lip as though it would help him transport to another place. "Moony...please...look at me. Moony I don't care what it is...I just want to help you." Remus shook his head again, this time with a little less conviction. He felt blood seep into his mouth. "This isn't about a bloody girl is it?" Sirius attempted, teasingly ruffling Remus' hair. Remus' mouth twitched.

"No," he whispered, his voice cracking. "It's not about a girl, Padfoot."

He felt the pad of Sirius' thumb swipe across his cheek gently, erasing the traces of tears. "Moony," Sirius whispered, uncharacteristically tender. "I'm one of your best mates. I know we don't...I know you think I'm a bit of a sod sometimes...but honestly Moony, I can't see you like this. I don't care if it's bloody food poisoning; I need to know what's going on. You're..." Sirius hesitated.

Remus uncertainly opened his eyes a fraction. Sirius was looking at his feet, brow furrowed in thought. "You're..." Sirius glanced up, his ice blue eyes locking with Remus' gold. His face broke into a smile. "You're looking at me!" he finished, moving his hands to Remus' shoulders. Remus nodded sheepishly, eyes traveling to his own hands, twisting in his lap. Sirius had noticed this, and reached down to grasp one of Remus' hands with his own. "I don't want you to hurt alone," he whispered seriously, his eyes searching out Remus'. "Moony. Look at me. You can tell me, mate. It's me."

Remus sighed in resignation and surrendered himself to Sirius' unforgiving gaze. Sirius started back when their eyes locked, thrown by the amount of emotion radiating from the other boy. Pain, embarrassment, resignation, fatigue, determination, torment, and confusion danced across those yellow irises, each battling for domination. "Moony..." he whispered, and did the only thing he could think of. Sirius pulled Remus into a tight embrace, his arms wrapped solidly around the shivering, slim frame. Remus resisted for a moment, but eventually gave in to the urge to melt into Sirius' strong arms. To his horror, he let out a choked sob. Sirius' arms tightened, and he buried his head into Sirius' shoulder. "Shhh..." said Sirius quietly, stroking Remus' hair gently. "It's going to be okay...you're going to be okay..."

Remus inhaled the scent of his friend, relaxing completely into the embrace. Sirius smelled like grass, metal, and apples mixed into the most intoxicating aroma Remus had ever encountered. "Mmm..." he breathed into Sirius' neck. "You smell like apples..."

Sirius snapped back, releasing Remus completely. Remus blinked a few times, trying to adjust to the sudden change in mood. "What's up?" he asked stupidly, staring at the stony-faced boy in front of him. "What...what's wrong?"

Sirius's eyes bored into his, a look of intense concentration on his face. His eyes were almost black, and Remus flinched back, uncomprehending.

"Sirius..." he whispered hoarsely, reaching out to his friend. But Sirius was gone, leaving only the bittersweet taste of confusion.