Waiting for a Better Day

Chapter One

Having seen hundreds of people die before his own eyes Harry Potter wasn’t easily impressionable by anything anymore ...

Probably he had never been, otherwise he couldn’t have ever fought Voldemort since he was eleven years old and kept his mental sanity.

The many fights with Death Eaters in the last four years had tempered him so much that he didn’t feel that familiar rush of adrenaline anymore- the rush that was in him in the early months of the war.

It was as though these daily fights had become an almost natural thing for him to do.

Casting defensive and offensive spells had become mechanical actions; they didn’t contain neither fear nor anger. And this was why they became less effective, causing Harry to risk his life a little more each day. This was why he resigned to lose this war against Voldermort and not caring about it even in the slightest.

Voldemort would have won easily because Harry Potter didn't feel a single emotion in his soul anymore.

His heart had become insensitive to his own pain and to the pain of the others.

He remembered reading something from a Muggle book, an expression that he never truly understood- not until now:

"...I shame to wear a heart so white."

Finally, he could comprehend the meaning of that expression: he was wearing a white heart, a heart void of emotion, void of love, void of hate. A heart with nothing on the inside.

The words spoken by Dumbledore after Sirius’s death filled his head:

‘There is a room in the Department of Mysteries that is kept locked at all times. It contains a force that is at once more wonderful and more terrible than death, than human intelligence, than the forces of nature...It is the power held within that room that you possess in such quantities and which Voldemort has not at all. That power took you to save Sirius tonight. That power also saved you from possession by Voldemort, because he could not bear to reside in a body so full of the force he detests. In the end it was your heart that saved you.’

What will save me now that I’ve lost it?

~*~

At first, it was not my decision distancing myself from the people I loved.

I admit that at one point in my life I had thought about doing exactly this, because I thought that they would have been safer without me. But someone made me understand that it would have been of no use for me to be left alone without a friend, and without love.

I remembered my old friends as if I was looking at them right now: tears were streaming down from Hermione’s eyes; a hurt expression was reflected in Ron’s face; and Ginny’s eyes were shining with anger and worry. But it was her words that opened my eyes:

"Who do you think you are Harry? You can’t keep on treating us like we’re nothing to you...I thought we were friends! You’re always trying to shut us out from your life without even an explanation! We haven’t seen you smile or joke with us anymore, like you used to do..."

"I’ve seen Sirius die before my very own eyes!" I bellowed in anger. "Have you the slightest idea of what he meant for me?"

"I know that you loved him, we all did. It was impossible not to care for him when you've got to know him. But do you really think that this is the way he would have wanted for you to react? He was a fighter! He didn’t give up the fight and he did that for you, for your parents, for his friends and above all else for himself. He risked everything to find you again. He never lost hope, not even during those long years in Azkaban. He was a great wizard, but mostly he was a great man in every sense of the word and you should honour his death by living at the top of your capacities like he has always done. But you, instead, have given up everything and, I’m sorry to say this, but it’s as though you killed him all over again."

I remembered her petite but fierce figure right before me, her chocolate brown eyes looking at me with such intensity that I felt my knees buckle under her scrutiny.

I remembered Ron and Hermione with their mouths agape, as if they were surprised as much as I was to see Ginny speaking like that in front of me.

But mostly, I remembered the tears that fell from my eyes I tried to stop them but I couldn’t. It was as though all the tension of the last months or maybe even of the last years was melting in those tears.

It was a good sensation.

And then when the tears had stopped, Ginny resumed in a softer tone:

"We know what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to keep us away from you because you think that we will be safer that way. You think that to be your friends means that we’d be the first target of You-Know-Who. Probably this is true..."

Her sincerity surprised me. I thought that she was going to lie to me just to make me feel better.

"If there’s anything I learned from my meeting with Riddle in my first year," she explained, "it’s that he acts exactly like this. He’ll use your weaknesses against you, to subdue you and destroy you... but you have to understand Harry, that your plan can’t work because it’s our choice to remain at your side and fight You-Know-Who. We know what we’re going to face and we're not afraid...I’m not afraid! And I think that I can speak for me as much as for Ron and Hermione when I say that I would have taken the same decision even if I had never met you, because this is the right thing to do. So, keep on shunning us as much as you want, but I promise you that you’ll find me at your side up to the last, no matter what you think is the best for me."

I looked at her for a long time. I couldn’t bring myself to leave her daring face; her eyes at once so sweet and so full of strength. Looking back, I could say with certainty that that was the moment I fell madly in love with her.

"Harry," called Hermione, her tears had subdued too, and she had regained her determinate face. "Ginny’s right! You can’t choose for us. We’re fighting at your side against Voldemort since - ever! You can’t really think that we’re going to stop now only because this is what you want for us to do. This is our battle, too!"

"That’s right, mate!" Ron chimed in. "You can’t leave us behind so easily. You’re my best friend, you’re like another brother to me and I won’t abandon you. The whole wizarding world has been thrown in this damned war against You-Know-Who. Sooner or later, every single wizard and witch out there will have to choose what side they want to take in this battle. We had made this choice a long time ago. It will be worth all the pain that we’re going to go through when we’ll know that that bastards will be eliminated once and for all."

That day I looked at Ron and Hermione with my heart swelling with affection for them.

It was true what Ron had said: they were the brother and sister that I could never had and the only way I had rewarded them was by denying my trust and my respect.

I remembered hugging them both, and in that hug, we promised each other that we were going to be always together in this fight. But like every promise, even that one was broken. And so, today, I found myself alone, hidden in this bush, waiting to face another Death Eater, and hoping that this time I’d find Voldemort in front of me so that I’d finally be able to fulfil my destiny and know once and for all if my fate was to be the victim or the murderer in this farce that had become my life.

~*~

The night had come, and among the branches of the trees above me, I could see that the sky was filled with stars.

This sight should have been a solace for a soul tormented such as mine. In spite of the violence in this world, the immutable stars kept looking out for us, and with their beauty they could still lighten our hearts; but to me, they didn’t have that effect anymore.

If it were up to me, I would have hidden them all.

They had no right to stay above us, watching as we killed each other like we were some weird show they were attending from their comforting chairs.

If only I would have had a spell to cast against them, I would have used it; but I knew that it would have been useless... They would have kept shining in the sky in demonstration of the inferiority of the human race that couldn’t stop the hate and violence even in front of their beauty.

Once upon a time, I loved the stars.

When I was still at Hogwarts, I would go out at night with only my Invisibility Cloak, Firebolt, and the Marauder’s Map with me and go flying in the Quidditch pitch. From up there, the stars were so close to me that it seemed as if I could touch them. Back then, the stars still gave me comfort, but today as I watched them, I couldn’t feel anything anymore.

I knew when I started hating them; it had been fours years ago, in the midst of a hot summer night…

It was the night in which my life changed forever. The night Ron and Hermione died.

According to a Muggle legend, that was the night of the year in which the sky was most filled with stars, so that if you were lucky enough to see a shooting star, you could make a wish and it would come true.

Now I know that this story was only a fairytale because that night I made many wishes but none of them came true.

Ron and Hermione were married.

We all knew that they probably fell in love since the very first moment they looked at each other during our first journey to Hogwarts, almost fourteen years ago.

Sure, they argued a lot, but under all that fire was a deep love. When they were together their spirits burst in flames. I believe that they felt they were really living only when they were near each other.

Each one made the other whole. It was wonderful seeing them together.

Although their love was clear for everybody else, it was still Ginny and I that brought those two together. We had to lock them up in the Astronomy Tower for an entire night; but it was worth it, because since then, they didn’t leave each other’s side even for a single moment anymore.

They married one year after we graduated from Hogwarts.

The war was raging for already three years and they knew that they could die any day, so they wanted to be sure that they would be together as long as possible. They wanted to belong to each other and they wanted the whole world to know that nothing could have ever split them apart because they were a unique being.

It was a beautiful ceremony; I was best man while Ginny was maid-of-honour. During the exchange of their wedding vows, my eyes never left Ginny’s and I knew that in that instant we were exchanging our promises of love, too.

After a few months, Hermione discovered that she was pregnant.

It should have been wonderful news but with the war raging out there and with the many problems that it was causing, Ron and Hermione took into consideration the idea of giving up the baby. Ginny changed their mind:

"You can’t renounce to this baby, he comes from your love. You have to give him the chance to live."

"Ginny, Ron and I, we want to keep fighting. We can’t stay here, watching other people do our work. What would happen to the baby if one of us or maybe both can’t make it? If this came in another time it would have been different but as it is..."

"Don’t talk nonsense!" Ginny looked at Ron and Hermione with burning eyes. "I know you both very well! I know that you don’t really want to give up this child. He must be born, Hermione, or you're going to regret this for all of your life."

She bent down and placed a hand on Hermione’s belly. "Don't you see that is a sign of hope? A wonderful thing happened despite all the violence and mayhem around us."

With tears in her eyes, Ginny kept on, "this child will bring so much joy in our life. I’m sure of this. He will give us more strength, and if something should ever happen to the two of you, he’ll still have all the Weasleys, the Grangers, and Harry at his side. He’ll never be alone."

Rupert Harry Weasley was born one year later, on the 14 August.

It was one of the most beautiful days of my life.

Ron and Hermione were awe-struck. They didn’t regret changing their minds. From then on, Rupert filled all of our lives with happiness.

I was his godfather even though I didn’t think he was aware of this. I didn’t even know if he still remembered me. He should have been five years old by now.

And that’s another promise that I broke. I haven’t taken care of him like Ron and Hermione wished. I was sure that the Weasleys had been watching over him, and as longs they were with him, I knew that he was safe.

It was Draco Malfoy who killed Ron and Hermione in that summer’s night. He was able to find Dean Thomas, Ron and Hermione's Secret Keeper. He tortured Dean, until he couldn’t stand it anymore, and after Draco got the information he was after, he killed Dean.

It was not an attack ordered by Voldemort. Malfoy worked on this alone.

In the course of the years, Draco had come to hate Ron much more than he had ever hated me. Ron killed Draco’s father during a fight and after that, was able to put Draco’s mother in Azkaban, too. Draco never forgave him for all of this. He killed them only for personal revenge. First, he forced Ron to watch, powerless, while he tortured Hermione and then he killed them both.

We found them on the floor of their bedroom, with their eyes wide open, looking at each other as though they wanted to be tied together by a last glance even in death.

We found Rupert in the secret chamber that Dumbledore recommended them to build to protect their family in case of danger. Probably Hermione or Ron perceived that something wasn’t right and they hid the baby before it was too late.

Draco didn’t have time to seek out Rupert, and anyhow he wouldn’t have been able to open the door of the chamber because only a Weasley or a Granger could find the entrance and could speak the right words to open it. It was Ginny who went to Rupert first. She found him asleep rocked by the lullaby that his mother sang to him through an enchanted music box.

When Hermione’s voice reached my ears, I broke down. I couldn’t believe that they had really died, that I was never going to see them again. They were the people with whom I had shared everything in my life. What was the meaning to keep fighting now?

Half of me died with them that night and my soul never really recovered from their death.

I killed Draco that same night.

I tracked down Draco with a spell, and I found him in a pub not very far from the town where Ron and Hermione lived. I went towards him and without a word, I lifted my hand and aimed my wand ready to strike.

Draco raised his eyes at me for only a second, and strangely, I didn’t see victory or satisfaction in those cold orbs like I thought I would have seen. I only saw disgust and pain. In another time and place maybe I would have felt pity for him, but not then, not when I could still see the bodies of Ron and Hermione in front of my eyes. Not when I could still hear Hermione’s voice singing to her son. It was the first time I used the Killing Curse, the first time that I killed a man, the only time that I did it for revenge.

Only after seeing the lifeless eyes of Draco before me, I understood what I had seen earlier in them. In killing him, I had killed a part of me, too. In that very moment I knew for sure that I was never going to be completely happy again. It was as if I had lost hope. It was as if I had lost the will to live. I had avenged my friends, but no one was going to bring them back to me. I had only deepened the wound in my soul.

That night I went away. I came back home, and right in front of Ginny, I collected my things and left.

She had still Rupert in her arms. I remembered her begging me not to leave, as tears streamed down her eyes.

"I’ve just lost my brother...I've just lost the only real girlfriend I have ever had...Please don’t leave me, too. We have to take care of Rupert like they wanted us to do. We have to be strong together...we can be strong together. Please, Harry...I love you...Harry!"

I didn’t say a thing. I didn’t even speak a word to her, and I didn’t deign her a last glance.

Vile through the end, I ran away.

The last thing I remembered of that night was raising my head up to the sky searching for a little solace in the stars. And for the first time in my life, I couldn't find it.

END CHAPTER ONE