Imperfect

Imperfect

Chapter One: The Utopian Impulse

Sirius catches James staring at Narcissa before they even find a compartment on the Hogwarts Express their first year. He glares daggers at James' back for a full moment before James turns around, catches a glimpse of Sirius' expression before he wipes his face clean, neutral.

"Pretty, isn't she?"

"No." A pause, and then, "She's my cousin."

"Distant, though, right? I mean, she's blonde."

"No, first cousin. And a right cow. Don't go chasing after her, James," and over the course of the last statement, his voice develops an almost-pleading note. "Don't."

"Okay, okay. Wrong sort of girl. I get it."

Sirius wants to tell him that he doesn't, but thinks better of it. James is the first boy he has met, and he doesn't want to ruin things that had the potential to be great and wonderful. "Good," he says instead. "Let's find somewhere to sit, then. Away from her."

James wonders just what kind of family the infamous Blacks are, but doesn't ask. If the expression on Sirius' face at the mere sight of a cousin is any indication, he probably doesn't want to know.

-x-

Sirius and James are both sorted into Gryffindor, along with Pettigrew, Peter and Lupin, Remus. A nagging voice inside Sirius' head tells him not to approve of Lupin - his eyes are too tired, his robes too shabby. The better part of him, the part that was already starting to cause a division between him and his family, told him that this boy was different, different in the best way possible.

Sirius wishes that different could be a good thing for him as well.

-x-

Sirius finds out Remus' secret in the winter of second year. Suddenly, everything adds up, everything makes sense. The monthly disappearances, the tightly controlled but wicked temper, the power beneath the exterior frailty.

But he doesn't know how to tell Remus. James knows, of course - they figured it out together, because they do everything together. And Peter knows because they told him; it is important that they all know before any course of action is taken. So they all know, and Remus knows, but Remus doesn't know that they know. It's terribly bothersome to keep a secret about a secret from the person who has the secret. Terribly confusing, as well.

They go for the direct approach one night, when they all head to the dormitory relatively early. "Remus," James says with more confidence than he feels. "Um."

To Sirius, you're a werewolf seems like an idiotic, obvious thing to say, but he searches his brain for anything else and comes up empty, so he says it.

Remus looks at him and blinks for a long moment. When his eyes open again, he is halfway angry and halfway petrified. His voice, however, is neither. "Yes," he says.

"We won't tell anyone, we promise," Peter says in a rush, blue eyes wide and earnest.

"All right," Remus replies. He pauses for a moment, but adds, "I'm not dangerous, usually. I mean, there are arrangements for everything during the full moon. I'm not going to - kill you in your sleep, or anything."

"We know." James' voice still sounds unsure to his own ears, but everyone else nods and Remus smiles, just a little.

"And Remus," Sirius says after James and Peter leave, presumably to give Remus some space. He turns around two steps in front of the door. "I know what it's like to be different. Not like you do, but I know." He smiles a little before turning again, leaving quietly, without fanfare - leaving Remus something to think about.

-x-

Fifth year, September again, and the four of them are playing cards in the common room. "Padfoot," Peter says suddenly, remembering the Sorting Ceremony earlier that evening. His younger sister had been Sorted into Hufflepuff. "When you got Sorted, what did the Sorting Hat say to you? I mean, because of your family and everything?"

Sirius looks up from his cards, expression momentarily unguarded in his surprise. "It was... surprised to get into my head, I think. It knew I wanted to be in Slytherin, but -"

"You wanted to be in Slytherin?" James asks, shocked and almost-disgusted.

Sirius freezes for a moment, face hardening, before he answers. "Of course. My whole family had been in Slytherin. They told me all the positive things about Slytherin and made the other Houses sound horrible. Remember who you're talking to, here."

He looks like he is ready to continue, but Peter nods. "Yeah, thanks," he says, and returns to his cards.

-x-

Remus and Peter get owls from James at the end of August, inviting them to stay with him for a few days before school starts. When they meet James in Diagon Alley, Sirius is with him, but they don't know why. Sirius' parents would never let him meet up with his Gryffindor friends, and they wouldn't let him go to the Potters' house, either.

Sirius is strangely quiet while they shop for their books. Peter has to resist the urge to check if he is ill when they pass the newest broom model and Sirius doesn't even glance at it. Remus catches him staring at a young boy, no older than eleven, walking with his parents and looking utterly excited and content. James carefully keeps his mouth shut.

At the Potters', they inhale a quick dinner and head upstairs to James' room. Sirius stretches out on the bed, and James, watching him, sits next to him before either of the other two can.

"Sirius," says Remus, voice conspicuously light and level, "have you been here long?"

James could interpret that to mean Remus is insulted that he hadn't been here as long as Sirius, but he knows what Remus is trying to ask. He doesn't say anything.

Sirius, thinking something similar, risks a fleeting glance James' way before he looks away. "Yes. Since the beginning of July."

"July? Why?" Peter asks, even though he mostly knows.

Sirius pauses for a breath. "I ran away from home, all right? And Remus, if you say anything about legal guardianship or going back, I'll -"

"I wasn't going to say anything."

"All right." He sounds very tired.

James slings what he hopes is a casual arm around Sirius' shoulders, and wishes he had something to say. He's actually fucked up like you wouldn't believe, he's just really good at hiding it, isn't quite fair to Sirius and his carefully-constructed brave front. And we've been having loads of fun all summer is a cheap and shallow lie.

Remus and Peter seem to understand, though, enough that Peter says "I'm sorry," and Remus asks "you're okay, right?"

Sirius just nods, still looking exhausted. Exhausted, but he hadn't lied, exactly. He feels better now than he has since school let out last June.

-x-

There is a subtle shift in their group dynamic sixth year. James is a natural leader because everyone loves him, loves him even with his faults and arrogance. But they follow Sirius perhaps because they are a little bit in love with him, proud of him, afraid for him. At the beginning of sixth year, their little group's focus seems to falter, wander, and focus again on Sirius.

They all want to take care of him without him noticing, so mostly they are just there. Sirius ends up in the common room with his head resting in James' lap, answering Remus as he quizzes him on Arithmancy formulas, eating an extra chocolate Peter gave him before heading off to the library.

He is still quieter, more anxious and jumpy, but his smiles are still wickedly bright, his mind still sharp enough to pull the best pranks. There is a certain something, though, something both angry and defeated, hiding just under the surface. Something that, if brought to the surface, would shatter the perfect world that Sirius had been building for himself for the past six years.