Dragon's Tears

Catharsis

The room I had prepared was perfect. Father's study. This was the place I had come to receive discipline when I was a boy, and this would be where I finally turned the tables on Lucius. I couldn't help but smile. He would be the one to be punished tonight, not me. The fire behind me warmed the room, and it was also the only light in the place. I would be able to see him, but all he would see would be my silhouette.

My heart sped up when I heard a very familiar sound out in the hall. The tapping of a cane, followed by a less familiar shuffle...his feet. But it had to be him. It was probably that wound of his. I'd seen him limping when I'd watched him with the girls. When he appeared in the doorway, there was a moment where I quivered. But was it anger or fear? I would not let him affect me that way.

"Father," I sneered. "I should never have doubted you'd find me. I mean, you can't have lost all your intelligence over the years..."

Lucius stiffened, but entered the room, slowly working his way to the desk. When he reached me, he made a sudden lunge across it and grabbed my collar. "Where the hell are my daughters?" he whispered through clenched teeth. I'd heard this tone before. This was the tone that had often sent me fleeing to my room, or cowering at his feet when I was a child. But I wasn't a child any more.

I pushed him away from me. "Don't touch me!" I scowled, then moved across the room from him.

"If you've hurt them..." he growled at me.

I snorted. "You seem to loose children easily, don't you? Well, don't worry your pretty little head, Lucius. They're fine. And they'll stay that way. Especially once I'm through with you. You have other things you should be concerned about."

"Like?"

"Me." I raised my wand quickly and cast a nifty little spell that I had come across my final year at Hogwarts. "Adhaero." I'd meant to use it on Potter and his gang, but the opportunity had never come up. Instead, I now used it on Lucius, and was quite pleased with the results. He was now stuck, foot and cane to the floor. But that wasn't the end. "Accio wand!" His wand flew from inside his robes, and directly to my hand before he could catch it, and I grinned. "Thank you for being so obliging. I thought for sure that you would put up much more of a fight than that." He scowled at me, but said nothing.

I weighed the wand in my hand. "You know, I always thought this wand of yours would be heavier. All that killing, the curses you cast with it...doesn't it get heavier with every kill you make?"

He continued to glare at me for a moment, and I wondered if he would respond. "Not that that's how they work, but it's not my original, so that wouldn't matter anyway," he finally admitted.

I smirked. "Ah. Right. Why stick with anything original when you desert your life? I should have known," I sneered.

I looked him up and down now. "You know, Lucius, I've always wanted to see you this way. Weak. Helpless. At my mercy. And, since you taught me nothing about mercy, guess where that leaves you?"

He didn't even wince. "Do what you will and be done with it."

That was definitely not enough of a reaction. I slipped his wand into my pocket, then leaned against the desk and glared at him. "No, first we talk. You know how the game is played. You don't get to deprive me of my victory that easily."

He sighed. "Very well. What shall we talk about?"

Where to start? I glared at him for a moment before settling on a choice. "What was it, exactly, about that woman that made it so easy to desert your only son? Am I--was I--really so worthless to you?" I turned away from him to gather myself. I had to keep control. "It's not like you ever tried to come and see me, Lucius. No, you figured that I must not want to see you."

When I turned back to look at him, his eyes were narrowed. "How could I?"

I laughed. "How could you? What was I that hard to find?"

He grimaced. "Right. Hello boy, your old jailbait dad's come to visit you. What fun we shall have together!" He laughed bitterly.

"It couldn't be much worse than when I was growing up, I'm sure." I glared at him. "No, you were just too comfortable with that...whore...of yours. You didn't want to bother yourself. Every day I was with Grandfather's solicitors, I waited to hear from you. Nothing." I leaned towards him, but stayed out of his reach. "Was I really that disgusting to you, Lucius? To just pretend that I'd never even existed!?"

He winced. "I had to stay away from you because I was a danger to you."

I snorted. "Danger. Right. That never kept you away from me before."

I looked away from him, and realized just how angry I'd gotten. This track was getting me nowhere. I was more angry than he was. I needed to keep control. Time to try something else. I turned back to him, my face blank once more. "Besides, Lucius, you seemed to take Azkaban as an excuse to stay away from me. I mean, it's not like you served a real sentence there. And the dementors were all gone. You can hardly have really suffered."

His face tightened. I'd hit on something. "You'd be surprised, boy. Besides, when I returned, there was one here. They brought me back here, and one was stationed outside the room."

Interesting. I hadn't known that Voldemort had used the Manor as a hideout. But what better than a deserted manor? "And? Did you enjoy reliving raping my mother? Destroying my life? Killing Muggles? Was it fun??" I stared at him, my eyebrow raised. I wasn't going to miss this reaction.

He looked away, and I could see his face flush. "No."

It was a good feeling, watching him squirm this way. "Good. Not that I believe you truly suffered, Lucius. I mean, it's not like the Dark Lord would really do anything truly horrible to you. You controlled more of his followers than he did."

His voice was bitter when he finally spoke. "Oh, I became his special pet. The one he enjoyed using for his pleasure during boring times...or whenever the fancy struck him." The pain in his voice was delicious. Finally I was getting back just a bit of my own. And was that...shame? That stopped me. Had he really been...I mentally shook myself. I couldn't allow any mercy to show, so I prodded to see what reaction I would get. Perhaps I'd misunderstood?

"Are you telling me, Lucius, that you were raped?" My mask almost slipped as I watched him flush and look at the floor. My breath caught, and I had to close my eyes. My world spun for a moment. Thinking of Lucius vulnerable, and...I swallowed the gorge that rose in my throat, then shook myself again. After all, this was what I wanted, wasn't it? So I managed to twist my face into a smirk. "Oh, do that again. That was enjoyable. Do you know how many times in my life you've made me feel like less than nothing?" I stepped close to him, so that I could pull his face up. I wanted to see this. "You deserved EVERYTHING the Dark Lord did to you, Lucius."

"I know." His shoulders slumped as he spoke, but he did not struggle to remove his chin from my hand.

"You're nothing but a coward. And a sneak. And a traitor." I spat each accusation at him, but he only flinched, though he still did not meet my eyes.

"I know."

"It's a wonder he didn't kill you."

"It is."

"Being Voldemort's little...friend must have been very tiring for you. Did you use your bed, or his?"

That finally got to him. His eyes snapped up to mine, and I couldn't help but step back when I saw the fire there. "Watch your mouth!"

I crossed my arms and laughed. "Why? I'm only doing what you taught me, Lucius. Going for the pain. And that's a particularly...difficult subject for you, isn't it? I like making you squirm." Lucius's shoulders slumped. It felt so good seeing him this way. As long as I didn't think too hard about the reason for it. "You did it to me enough." Lucius's gaze returned to the floor. "Aren't you proud of your son, Lucius? How well he's learned his lessons? Come on, where's the praise? Or are you still not allowed to tell me how proud you are, even now?"

Lucius bent forward so that his arms were crossed on the edge of the desk, and he buried his head in them, his shoulders shaking. This was...not what I was expecting. "Are you...crying?" There was no response, and I hated the cold feeling that filled me. "Answer me, Lucius."

Lucius stood up and slowly turned to face me. Tears streaked his cheeks. "You have no idea what I went through," he said, bitterly, his eyes cold.

I was stunned for a moment and before I could catch myself, I backed up another step. But I couldn't allow myself to care what this was doing to him. I raised my chin and glared at him again. "Do I care?"

He gazed at me for a moment, then looked away. "No. Never mind."

I moved directly in front of him, my face near his. "Why didn't he kill you? I've always wondered."

Lucius's eyes were emotionless when he looked at me again. "Because he wanted somebody with more power than me."

"Of course. But why would Potter rescue you?"

Lucius shook his head. "Not Potter. He used me to try and get at Adriana. He knew he had to keep me alive to keep her happy."

I sneered. "Why would he want her?"

"Because he found out about her powers." His voice was flat.

I couldn't stop myself. I didn't care about the chit, but curiosity gets the best of everyone now and then. "That...woman...has 'powers?' What power could she have that the Dark Lord did not?"

Lucius's eyes glinted in the light. "She doesn't use a wand. She doesn't need a broom to fly. She has shielding powers that are unmatched by anybody." I could see he was watching me to see what my reaction to this was. I just rolled my eyes. "She thinks things and they happen."

I sneered. "Right. So, what, she's some supernatural, extra-special witch? Why didn't she just kill him, then?"

"She tried. She went up against Voldemort and the Death Eaters. She came here, and took me back from Voldemort. They came to an...'agreement.'"

But I was no longer paying any attention to what he said. Just one thing had caught my attention. My voice lowered to almost a whisper. "Here? She was in...this house?"

Lucius didn't understand. "Voldemort tricked her into coming here."

"You let her into this house?" I growled.

Now he was puzzled. "No. Voldemort did."

"Did he? I doubt you fought it, did you?" I snarled at him. He recoiled. "You know, I hope you and Voldemort rot in hell together, Lucius. You deserve each other. Between the two of you, I'm nothing." I regained my mask, calming myself. "So, Lucius, I'd like to thank you for that. Before I kill you, of course..." I smiled thinly.

He straightened, his face calm. "Then do it."

"Oh, no, Lucius. See, you haven't suffered nearly enough. In fact, if I was what you wanted me to be, your girls would be in front of you now, writhing in agony. Would that get to you? Or would you even care?" I had to get some kind of reaction, even if I knew I would never go through with such a thing.

It worked. His eyes widened, and his knuckles turned white on the head of his cane. "How can you even think of doing such a thing? They're your sisters!"

"You trained me to. Do you forget? But I'm not what you wanted. Am I?" I turned my back to him, facing the fire so I could regain my calm façade. When I looked back at him, it was fully in place now. "Besides, Lucius, I know they're my sisters. And I know what you're like. Why do you think I took them from you? I wanted to save them from you, Lucius. They'll never have to put up with your little 'training sessions' for twelve hours at a time. They'll never use the Unforgivables. On anything. And you'll never see them again. And do you know what? That pleases me more than anything else. You've ignored me for years, but I've got them now, so you're damned well going to pay attention to me!"

He raised his chin, but otherwise didn't move. "Do your best."

I smiled a grim smile. "Ah, Lucius, you know what my best is, don't you? And really, what can you do without your wand?"

His lips thinned to a line. Then he raised his chin further, and met my eyes, unblinking. "Do it. You seem so eager to."

"Oh, but you still don't get it, do you? I don't want you to die now. I want to break you first. Like you broke me. I want to hear you beg me to kill you, just to end it. And I'll do whatever it takes...father."

He paled, and his eyes glittered. "I'm sorry I left you. I'm sorry I left such a void in your life. I'm sorry that you've been unable to move on."

I clenched my teeth to keep from shouting. "No," I sneered. "I don't want sorry. I want you to beg! I want your misery. I want you to be as dead inside as you've made me! To be tossed out like a piece of garbage! Me, Draco Malfoy! Like I was nothing! Did you enjoy doing that to me, Lucius?" I drew myself up again, and settled in the chair. I had to remember, I was the one in charge here. I couldn't let him rattle me.

I sighed. "You know, Lucius, you disappoint me. I expected more of a fight than this. I mean, I have gotten through that mask of yours a few times, but I was hoping to see a little blood by now. Am I not worth your time?" I paused, and looked up at him, but he remained silent. "You certainly haven't bothered with me for almost five years now...why should you bother now...when I'm about to kill you?" I smiled. "You know what I'd like, Lucius? I want to see you fight me." I stood up, pulled his wand from the pocket I'd stashed it in and threw it to him. "Let's see if you've still got what it takes. Fight me."

His eyes narrowed as he looked down at the piece of wood and magic that I had tossed him. Then he frowned and looked up at me. "I don't want to fight my son." He tossed the wand on the desk, and it rolled off the table and out of sight.

How dare he? I give him a chance against me, and he spits in my face? "Fight me, damn you! I want to watch you rage at me one last time."

He crossed his arms over his chest. "No."

"I want to watch you struggle. I need to see it!"

"I won't fight you Draco!"

"Coward! Weakling!"

"There is strength in not fighting. Life doesn't always have to be a battle. Revenge can be a reward, but not always."

I sneered. "What are you, some kind of book of proverbs or something? Or are you just hoping I'll back off? Is that it?"

He blinked. "No. I deserve all the anger and hatred you have for me. I do not deny that."

I laughed bitterly.

"It's not a war." He held out his hand, probably hoping I'd toss him back his wand. But he'd already thrown that chance away. Literally. I turned away from him, my chin high.

"That, I have to say, is something I've never heard from you before." I turned back to him, a sneer on my face. "When you talked to me, it was always win, win, win! Nothing else would do. 'The mudblood does better than you, aren't you ashamed?' 'Potter's better than you in everything, power, Quidditch...' 'You don't deserve anything!' Every time you said it, it killed me."

He closed his eyes. "I'm not that man anymore!"

"What, I'm just supposed to believe that you've changed?"

He opened his eyes. "Yes, I have!"

"No you haven't. You'll always be Lucius Malfoy. And Lucius Malfoy only cares about one person. And that's not me!"

His eyes were molten now. "You were always somebody I cared about!"

I snorted. "You never cared about me! You showed no care, least of all when your precious woman appeared! You ignored me, and everything about me. You know, Lucius you're the real problem here. You've always been the problem. Always been what's wrong with me. You, you, you! Everything I am is because of you. And I'm going to make sure that you pay for everything that you did!" I pulled myself back together, and straightened once more. Then I sneered at him, "You have no one to blame for all this but yourself."

"Why didn't you just come to me directly? I wouldn't have turned you away. Why kidnap your sisters?"

"Because I know how you work. You say one thing, and you mean another. I can never believe a word you say! So, I decided to save them the hassle of learning just what kind of a man their father was. They'll thank me for it someday. I'm glad I got to meet them. I'm going to enjoy getting to know them better. Reni, especially, is quite the little helper. We're...two of a kind, you might say..."

"She is all Malfoy."

"True." How many times had I thought that to myself these past few years?

"I wish she had been spared that."

"And she seems to have the Malfoy hatred well in place. She hates you almost as much as I do." I smiled sweetly. "She reminds me...of me. Small, and hurt...and angry. She was more than willing to help me."

"She has her fair share of issues."

"It seems you have a bit of trouble fostering trust in your children, Lucius. Why shouldn't I save them all from you? How do you know similar issues with Kali and Teecie wouldn't crop up later? After all, they're so young."

"Reni showed up angry."

I smiled. "Did she? She seemed to like me almost immediately the first time we met. That doesn't seem like the reaction of an angry child. What did you do to her?"

He looked away. "Nothing. That's what I did. I wasn't there for her." Lucius was somber now, just talking, staring into space. "I missed her birth. I missed out on her first year. Everything. Adriana brought Reni home a little while after her first birthday, that's the first time I met her."

My eyes widened. "So, Reni does have reason to hate you, doesn't she?" I smiled. "I knew I was right." I looked at him thoughtfully for a moment. "You know, if she were just a few years older, I might have let her join in this little family reunion. I'm sure she'd learn the Unforgivables rather quickly. She is your daughter, after all."

He scowled at me. "She's a child. And you took advantage of her."

I shook my head. "No, Lucius. I got to know her. And what will you do to Kali? And Teecie? I have to keep you from hurting them, too. And I will. It's only a matter of time, you know. Until you do. And if you care for them as much as you pretend, you'd beg me to kill you before you do."

"If you are going to kill me, then do it now." Lucius looked at me, his eyes meeting mine, never blinking, his shoulders straight, and his chin held high.

I sneered. "No, first I have to break you. That's a lesson I learned well, Lucius. One that I never got to use. So I guess now it's time." I smiled sweetly. "I want you to beg me, father. Beg me to kill you. To end it all. Before you hurt them."

His eyes narrowed. "You had to hurt me and you didn't give a damn who you hurt in the process, is that it?"

I was getting quite sick of his second-guessing me, and particularly his questions that were obviously his way of trying get control of our little battle. "If you question me again, I might have to use this," I twirled my wand in my hand, "again.

"So, when was it that I became so abhorrent to you, Lucius? You trained me to become a dark wizard like you from when I was young, but suddenly, there was the Dark Lord, and you couldn't get me away from you fast enough. All I was ever expecting was to follow in your footsteps, Lucius. As a Death Eater. As your heir. But those aren't exactly options in my life anymore, are they? What exactly was it that I did to make you so ashamed?"

He sighed. "I was never ashamed of you. I wanted to protect the people I love, and yes, that includes you, from that danger and the horror that was Voldemort. But I was too far into it for myself. I had no choice but to go back when he rose again. But there was still time and a chance for you to get away from him."

"Right. Like I believe that."

"I knew you'd hate me. But I had to do it, even if you hated me forever."

I smiled a bitter smile. "And I do. How perceptive of you."

"Do you wish I'd let you become a Death Eater?"

"I wasn't exactly asked my opinion, so what's the difference, Lucius?"

"You'd probably be dead now if I had."

I slammed my fist on the table. "It was what you'd raised me to be! What did you expect me to want? What reason did you have to make me into a Death Eater, then deny it to me when I was almost of age? You wrapped me in ribbons of responsibilities, Lucius. Honor, family...Voldemort. And then you proceeded to tear them to shreds!"

He crossed his arms. "Let me ask you a question about choices. You wanted to be a Death Eater more than anything. Why did you not leave school and join him when you came of age? You could have been one. Even without my help."

I sneered. "Do you honestly think he wanted a coward's son? I was ashamed. Ashamed to be your son."

"Did you even try?"

I glared at him. "What makes you think I didn't? Perhaps I was his spy at Hogwarts. You don't know. You weren't there. Perhaps he taught me things you never learned. Maybe I should use that power now. Perhaps I should become the next Dark Lord?"

The look on his face was guarded. "You could attempt that."

He was trying to humour me. Did he think he was going to be rescued? I snorted. "You just want Potter to clean up your mess for you!"

"No, I clean my own messes now. I've always been good at cleaning my messes."

"And this mess? How will you deal with it? Are you going to clean it up by killing me, Lucius?" I leaned towards him, unable to prevent the smile from spreading across my face. "Maybe with your bare hands? Your glare?"

His hands clenched into fists, and I could see the frustration in his eyes flare. "You are my son! I love you! You are not a mess to be cleaned up."

I straightened, smiling, an eyebrow raised. "I don't believe that's what you were thinking when you came in here. Were you? You probably wanted to beat me against the walls, didn't you? For taking them from you?"

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before looking at me again. "Someday, when you have children of your own, you'll understand why I reacted the way I did."

I narrowed my eyes. "You never reacted that way for me."

"Nobody dared to do such a thing to you when you were small. And when your mother finally did, I wasn't in a position to stop her."

I turned from him. "The old Lucius Malfoy wouldn't have let that stop him."

"He was dead by then. I'm not the same man. But if you want to kill me, then do it. Or hurt me. Torture me. Just get it over with already."

I stiffened. I was the one in charge here. But I couldn't let him see my face. I swallowed. "Maybe it's time to finish this." I took a deep breath. "Just one thing, Lucius. I want you to tell me why." I cursed myself as I said it, but it was too late to draw back the words.

"Why what?"

I was shaking, but I couldn't stop now. I might as well ask. Who knew, I might even get an answer. "Why I was so easy to leave behind. Why you never...loved me." I could hear Lucius draw in his breath. "I want to know..." Maybe I couldn't say it after all.

But Lucius obviously wanted a full victory. "What?"

I might as well give him his victory. It wasn't like he would be around long enough to enjoy it. "That I was important," I whispered. I hugged myself tightly.

There was silence for several minutes, and when I chanced a look behind me, I saw something I had never seen before. Lucius stood stock still, eyes wide, and mouth agape. It took him several minutes to collect himself. When he spoke, his voice was barely more than a whisper. "There was never anybody more important to me than you."

I blinked to stop the tears, and set my mouth in a line. "That was never the impression I got. Everyone was more important than me. Even beating mother." I looked away.

"And what will getting revenge on me prove? How will it help? What will it get you?"

I spun to face him fully, unable to stop the snarl from coming. I was losing control, but I hardly cared anymore. I wanted him to understand. To feel my pain. "Nothing! Which is exactly what you've always given me Lucius! Nothing. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to care about. Nothing to do. I'm nothing. And it's your fault!"

His eyes narrowed. "You are my son! You are Draco Black! That is not nothing."

I raised my chin. "I'm only Black because I couldn't stomach being Draco Malfoy any longer. And it felt good. Denying you me. And pissing off Potter..."

"I bet it did." There was almost a smile on his face.

I didn't want him to be happy. I wanted him to suffer, damn him! "But then even that went away. And you still weren't there!"

"It was a great release, wasn't it? Such an act of rebellion against your father. There's no other high quite like it."

"You're not my father! I haven't been your 'child' for years, Lucius!"

He straightened. "You're my son and always will be!"

It was my turn to smile again, but it was a bitter smile. "You gave up that right when you let me become a Black, Lucius. I'm not yours to claim anymore."

"You chose that yourself."

"You didn't exactly stop me, did you?"

"I was not in the position to stop you." He looked away.

"You didn't even try!"

"I wasn't even aware enough to know to. I was otherwise...occupied." I could see him wince, and couldn't help but smile wryly.

"Ah, another excuse? What, busy impregnating your sow again?" I narrowed my eyes, and the smile disappeared. "You'd like me to let you go back to your whore, wouldn't you?" A thought came to me, and I could not resist. "How the hell did she convince you to raise all those children of hers? I mean, Reni's obviously yours. Are the other two? I mean, they don't exactly look like you, do they? And Kali has that dark hair..."

He glared at me now, his eyes mere slits. "Like her mum."

I pursed my lips, and looked at him musingly. "Tell me, just how much time does that woman spend around Snape? And is she ever in contact with any Weasleys?" Lucius shook his head, and sighed, but I wasn't to be deterred on this. "I mean, that red hair...It's hardly a Malfoy colour, you'll admit." My smile broadened. "How often does she sleep around on you, Lucius?"

"Adriana had a red haired aunt; it runs in her side of the family."

I crossed my arms and leaned against the desk. "Oh, of course it does, Lucius."

He gritted his teeth. "You know nothing about her."

My smile disappeared. "I know enough. I know she seduced you. I know she'd rather I never existed. That you had no previous commitments...like me...and mother."

"And how do you know that?"

"She certainly seems to have taken up all your time in the last six years or so...and much of it before then, too. So much so that you had no time for me during the Summer Holidays."

He looked surprised at this. "I was always home during the holidays."

"You might have been home, but you were too busy daydreaming about her." I stood and turned away, walking towards the fire. "Or off seeing the slut..."

His voice was soft. "Have you ever been in love? Do you know what it's like?"

I turned and sneered at him. "Hah! Love. It doesn't exist. You taught me that!"

"It does exist. I never knew that till I met her. "

I hated the look on his face. Did he think me a weakling? Or perhaps he was the weak one. "Love's just a weakness. And you're weak."

"There is strength in love."

I narrowed my eyes. "Perhaps you need a lesson about love to remind you what you taught me?" I approached him slowly, circling him as I spoke. "Shall I help you, Lucius? The way you used to help me? Do you remember? The lessons? On proper Malfoy behaviour? Standing in a bare room for hours, thinking about what it was I had done wrong? Punished if I so much as lowered my head? Do you remember?"

His chin rose, and he watched as I circled him. "Did I ever strike you? Did I ever beat you?"

"What do you call what you used to do with that cane of yours, Lucius?" I glared pointedly at the offending object, still stuck to the floor, quite upright with or without Lucius' grasp. "Love taps?"

Lucius looked at the floor, and I watched as he adjusted his grip on the thing. "I'd forgotten about that," he whispered.

"Because, let me tell you now, some of those bruises didn't fade for months, Lucius!" He closed his eyes, and I leaned against the desk.

Looking down at the wood beneath my hands, I ran my fingers along the scratches in it. I looked back at him, and began again. "Do you know how much I hate this desk? How well I know it? How long I stood in front of it, waiting to hear those simple words? 'I'm proud of you.' Were they so hard to say?"

Lucius frowned and ran his fingers over the edge of the desk, suddenly lost in thought. "I hate this desk too..."

"Oh? You seemed to have quite a fondness for it when I was young. It was about the only time I saw you, sitting behind this desk, telling me what a failure I was..." He was now blushing horribly, and quite unwilling to meet my gaze. I couldn't help but smile, if mercilessly. "Ashamed, Lucius?

"Yes. I am."

"You should be. And that's why I want to make sure you can't do that to those girls."

His head jerked up, and the glare was back. "I've never raised a hand against the girls!"

"I was only a little younger than Reni when you started those 'Lessons' Lucius. And I've seen the way you yell at her. I won't let you hurt her. Or Kali. Or Teecie." I glared at him. "And you want me to tell you where they are? So you can do the same to them? So you can hurt them like you hurt me?"

His shook his head, his eyes widening, and then they went glassy, and it was almost as though I were not in the room any more. "If only I'd been quieter or smarter or better, maybe he wouldn't hit me. Maybe he'd love me"

He dared...How could he? Taunting me about this? I couldn't restrain my rage. "Shut up!" my voice cracked.

And then he looked at me, his face bleak. "Sound familiar?"

"Shut! Up!" I slapped him with each word. "You don't know me!" I snarled. "I went through a lot, you know. Branded not only as the son of Death Eater, but of a traitorous Death Eater at that. Do you imagine anyone wanted to talk to me? And Snape...he was too busy. Meetings...and Her. No one wanted me any more. Do you know how glorious that felt? Do you know how that made me feel?" I turned away from him.

Lucius's eyes filled with tears. "I'm sorry I did all of that to you."

My hand itched to slap him again, but I wouldn't give him reason to prove me wrong in this. He was the one in the wrong here. He was the one who should be in pain. "No you're not. You never even tried to help me." I closed my eyes, unable to even look at him any more. "Even without your name, I still look in the mirror every morning, and I want to gouge out my eyes. Do you know what the best part of my life has been these last few years?" I opened my eyes to look at Lucius again. It was time he understood just what he'd done to me.

"Nothing?"

"Wrong," I snarled. "It was spying on your new little family. Do you know what I did when I found out there was more than one child? Do you know how that made me feel?"

"No." His face closed off, but not before I saw the panic there.

"It tore out my insides." I felt myself fall into the memory of that night. The pain, the anger... "I fell into the mud, and my entire body tried to come up through my mouth. I felt like my world...had been a lie." I looked up at him. "Your lie."

Lucius' eyes grew wide at these words, and seemed suddenly out of focus. He swayed where he stood, apparently lost in a memory. "A lie. My lie." He whispered.

What trick was this? "Yes, your lie."

But it was almost as though he didn't even hear me. "It was all a lie. All of it."

What on Earth was he talking about? "I know that! I lived it."

He focused on me again. "I lived it too."

I snorted and turned away.

"It was all a lie. All of it. It was all my fault. It all started because of me. None of this would have happened if it hadn't been for me." He was staring through me, like I didn't even exist.

I swallowed my anger and smirked at him. "Well, that's one thing I never thought I'd hear. An actual confession from the mouth of Lucius Malfoy."

But he wasn't listening. He was still lost in whatever memory he was recalling. "I was weak."

"You are--still."

"I never did have the guts to stand up to him. It was all my fault."

What the hell was this? Who was he talking about? "Who, Voldemort? Why should you? You licked his boots."

Lucius shook himself out of his trance and looked at me, startled. "No, Janos"

I didn't want to ask, but I couldn't stop myself. "Janos? Who's that?"

"My father."

I snarled at him. I was sick of his excuses. Of course. It couldn't possibly be Lucius Malfoy's fault. "Ah. Another one of your little scapegoats. And what is it that he did that takes the blame for everything you've done?"

He scowled. "You have no idea what my father was like. You were what saved me from him!"

I glared, but managed to restrain myself from doing anything more. The only people who had ever been allowed to visit Malfoy Manor were Lucius's Death Eater friends. Or people he was paying off. "No, I don't do I? Because you always kept him from seeing me! Just like mother's father. And any other relatives! Was I that shameful to you? That you never wanted anyone to meet me?"

"I didn't want you involved with that man! You don't know what he was like!"

"How could I, since I never met him? All I have is YOUR word, and right now that means less than nothing, Lucius!" I sneered.

Lucius closed his eyes, and turned his face from me. Slowly he pulled off his right-hand glove, and held out his hand, his pinkie finger extended.

I backed up. I'd never seen him without his gloves on before. There was something wrong with the end of his finger. "What? What is that?"

"That was what happened to naughty boys in my day. Your grandfather Janos cut off the tip of my finger...and used an ember to stop the bleeding."

I winced, turning quickly away to hide my reaction. "Liar."

"I was oh, five or six."

"Why should I believe you?"

He looked at me appraisingly for a moment. I wondered what excuse he would come up with this time. "Did you ever wonder why you never met your grandmother?"

I glared at him. What was he up to now? He was gazing at me calmly, no anger to be seen. I couldn't contain myself. "Because you kept away anyone who could care about me, or contradict you!" I snarled at him.

He shook his head quietly, sadly. "I...cared for my mother very much. I wish you could have known her"

I snorted.

He simply continued to gaze sadly at me. "I wish I could have known her for longer than I did."

"What, did you kill her?" I sneered.

"No. My father did."

"Lies." I looked away from him. That gaze was getting to me, and I couldn't let him see that.

He continued as though I had not spoken. "I found her body on the floor of their bedroom one morning after a particularly loud fight. I was the one who closed her eyes."

I gulped. "And why should I believe you? I saw what you did to mother. How are you any different?" I whipped back to look at him, my eyes practically slits.

"Where do you think I learned it from? But I managed to leave before I did anything so horrible."

I crossed my arms. "Oh, so Lucius Malfoy was being noble? For the first time in his life? Hypocrite. You know, Lucius, everything you ever did made sure that I'd be worthless. Even the way you treated mother. If you want to use this as an excuse..."

His eyes flared. "You are far from worthless."

"No, I'm my father's son. But guess what? That means we're both worthless, Lucius. So maybe it's time to rid the world of both of us."

An unreadable expression passed across his face before it set into the blank Malfoy mask again. He moved so that his cane was directly in front of him so he could lean against it, and looked at me calculatingly. "A murder suicide perhaps?"

I looked at him coldly. "I wouldn't use such pedestrian words for it. After all, it's going to be just about the only noble act I ever get to make. Not like Potter. But you made sure that I would never amount to much, didn't you?"

His eyes glinted again. "How noble can it be to take your own life out of frustration and anger against me?"

"At least I have good reason," I sneered.

"That isn't a noble reason, it's a spiteful one."

"No, Lucius. The noble part is ridding the world of such a spiteful person. And taking you with me."

He was quiet for several minutes, pondering this. His eyes were sad when he spoke again. "Do you really hate yourself so much?"

I pulled back my lips in a snarl, desperate to keep the tears in my eyes from falling. "Every time I look in the mirror, do you know what I see?" I growled.

"Me?" he asked calmly.

"Yes," I hissed. I was shaking now. I closed my eyes, desperate to calm myself. How dare he be so calm? He opened his mouth, but I interrupted him. "No. No more questions. Just answers. Why didn't you write to me? At least once? Tell me that you didn't want to see me again?"

I could see this honestly startled him. "What? I wrote dozens of letters to you...you never got them?"

He seemed sincere, but I knew better than to believe that face. "Liar! Would I be asking if I had?" I spat.

"I sent letters every week for a year. And never got a response. I finally stopped because I knew you weren't interested in speaking to me."

"You did not! I never got a single letter!" I glared at him. Letters hadn't worked, even if he'd sent them as he said he had. But there were other ways to talk with me. None of which he'd tried. "You never even tried to see me."

"How could I?"

But I was no longer listening. "I knew what that meant. You despised me. You didn't want me."

"I couldn't endanger you that way."

His calm voice sent me over the edge. "Hah! When have you ever worried about my safety? You were ashamed of me!"

"I loved you!" he shouted, angry now.

"Liar!"

"I wanted to save you from the hell of a life that I had!"

I slapped him again and he moved back from me. "Never say that again! It was already far too late for that, Lucius."

He looked away from me. "I wanted to be a better father to you than mine had been to me."

"Then you failed miserably."

He looked at the floor once more and shifted. "I know. I became my father. I was weak. I had to be strong. To be a true Malfoy. To make my father proud. I never wanted his love. I just wanted him to not hurt me all the time. It wasn't much."

I sneered, but this time it was directed inwards more than outwards. He had always been smarter than me. "Ah, well, we're certainly different there. I was a fool as a child. I wanted to be loved by you. You were the only thing in my life. Vital. As much as sleep and food. And you denied yourself, your presence, your...love...to me."

He looked back at me now, and I could see the unshed tears. "I wish I had been able to give it to you. More than anything. I didn't know how."

I looked away from him. "Well, maybe I don't want that anymore. Maybe it just makes this all easier."

"I think it does," he said sadly.

I managed a bitter smile. "Well, then I guess we agree on something."

He took a deep breath. "I became who I was and did what I did to you and your mother because of a lie. A lie built to make me into something that I wasn't. And I fell for it."

More excuses. Why did the man keep thinking I would fall for them? "So?"

"I worshipped him," he whispered.

"It doesn't make it any less your fault." I growled. I whipped around. "You still did it. Not your father. Not the Dark Lord. You chose mother. You chose her, and you still beat her, and raped her. Why did you even bother? Wouldn't you have been better off without us?"

He straightened, chin out. This was almost the Lucius Malfoy who had tormented my childhood. "I don't know why I should even try to explain, you'll just say it's excuses, so why bother?"

I wasn't going to let him off that easily. "I'm asking. I want to know," I said, glaring.

"You don't want to know."

I slapped him again. That cheek was getting awfully red, but Lucius ignored the sting, and that made the anger in me boil. "Don't tell me what I do and don't want to know. You've no right to do that any more! Tell me!"

His lips thinned. "Fine. Voldemort wanted me to join with him. But he knew my mother would never allow it."

"So?"

"I loved my mother and didn't want to displease her. She was so gentle and caring."

I snorted. A caring person in the Malfoy family? That was unheard of.

Lucius turned to look at the fireplace. "So Voldemort had my father kill her."

"Like I believe that."

"He was hoping it would draw me to his side, looking for comfort in him. And it worked. I went running to him...and he took me in."

"So?" I sneered. "You're weak. I knew that already. You're a coward, Lucius." Lucius nodded his head, and I watched as a tear slid down his reddened cheek before he brought up his maimed hand to wipe it away. If anything, this made me angrier. "You're crying? You're not allowed to cry!"

He met my eyes. "I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable."

I clenched my fists at my side. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. "Do you know how many nights I cried because you deserted me? You aren't allowed the mercy of tears, Lucius."

He ignored this, still gazing at me. "Did you ever wonder why I named you Draco?"

What did this have to do with anything? "...Why?"

"Dragons are these majestic, powerful creatures. They represent freedom to me. Freedom from chains, able to fly freely through the air. You were my freedom. So how could I help but name you anything else?"

I looked down at my hands, and my voice dropped to a whisper. "I wish...I wish I could believe that. Wish I could believe you." I looked up at him again, barely managing a glare. "You liked the name because it made you feel free, but I shame you so much you won't even call me by it anymore? Is that it?"

"No, I named you that because you made me feel free. You're my freedom, my Draco."

"Not yours," I spat. "Never yours again. You haven't even bothered to call me by my name up until I mentioned it, Lucius."

Lucius flushed, unable to meet my eyes. "I was afraid to use that name."

My heart fell to my knees. Here it was. Finally. The truth. "Yes? And why is that?" I managed to keep the sneer on my face, but I could feel the burning in my eyes.

"I thought you'd be insulted to hear that name pass through my lips, Draco. That I'd sully it. Dirty it."

I snorted, but it was a watery snort. I was horrified with myself. I tried again to regain my mask of indifference. "What, by calling me it?"

"Yes," he said quietly.

"Because I know you have no problem with the name itself. So it must be me you have the problem with."

He looked sharply at me at this. "No."

"Am I so unworthy?"

I could see him shift towards me. "It's me. I'm unworthy to use your name."

I snorted again. "I don't believe you."

"I no longer have that right."

"Yes, you didn't want me, so I made sure that I wasn't your son any more."

"You changed your name, yes, but that doesn't change whose blood flows through your veins." His eyes were almost pleading now.

I snarled at him. "Don't think that doesn't hurt me every day, Lucius."

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "It never stops hurting, does it?"

"No."

He opened his eyes again and looked at me searchingly. "How can I show you why you are so important to me? Why was freedom so important? Let me show you." Lucius began to take off his cloak, and then the shirt underneath. He turned slowly around, and I couldn't stop the gasp. His entire back was a mass of very old scars. Long straight gashes that cut straight across his back, crossed by twining snakes of ridged flesh. I had to look away, but I was unable to stop the gasp that tore from my throat.

The voice he spoke in was mechanical, but he did not stop. "I touched my father's school medals. And he caught me. There used to be a whip that he kept on the mantle of this very fireplace."

I bent over the desk, gasping for breath, trying to keep from gagging. "Stop!"

"He pulled me into the room and shut the door so mother wouldn't hear me..."

I was sobbing now. I couldn't face him. I couldn't see what had been done to him any more. It was too much. "I don't want to hear...please!"

"He finally got tired after 15 minutes or so. And stopped."

My eyes were closed, and tears streamed down my cheeks. "Please stop..." I begged.

"I think I was about 10 years old. I can't think of anything else to prove it to you. But they're real. And so was the pain."

I whimpered, then sank to the floor. And then there was the clatter of Lucius's cane falling to the floor, and he was there, his arms around me. "I'm sorry, Draco. I'm so sorry."

I was horrified. When had the spell worn off? Had he been able to move this entire time? If so, why had he stayed? I tried to pull away, to get out of his embrace, but the desk was right there, and there was nowhere to go. I was shaking.

His voice was a calming whisper now. "I shouldn't have told you that. It doesn't concern you. Why should you know that about me? I'm sorry, Draco...son." I winced with each word, but still he held me. "I'm so sorry you had to hear that."

"Please..." I gasped. My eyes were shut tight. I couldn't look at him.

"Can you forgive me? I'll never speak of it again. I promise."

"Stop it...I...don't care." I managed to gather myself a bit, then pushed him away, stumbling to my feet. Lucius teetered for a moment, then fell to the floor. I looked at his crumpled body. Had I hurt him? He wasn't even moving. Was he...alive? "...Lucius?" There was no response. What had I done? "Father?" I whispered.

His voice was a croak. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't be the man you want me to be." I knelt down next to him, but he simply lay there, curled up on his side, unmoving. His eyes were shut tight. "I'm sorry I'm a coward. And weak. And shameful in your eyes. And mine."

I reached out to touch his shoulder. He was shaking. "Father?" Lucius sat up slowly, and turned to meet my gaze. After a moment, his arms encircled my shoulders, and he pulled me to him, and began to sob. My tears soon joined his.

Finally, he pulled away from me. His eyes met mine, but he did not try to stop the tears which continued to slide down his cheeks. "I'm sorry. I was cruel and heartless and uncaring. I didn't know how to love or how to show my feelings. I had to be taught how to love. I do want you to be a part of my life, Draco. For always." Lucius took my face in his hands and kissed my cheeks.

I couldn't stop myself now. "Why couldn't you just love me?" It came out as a sob, and I shuddered. I couldn't meet his eyes.

Lucius took my chin in his hand and lifted my face so our eyes met. "I do love you, Draco." I closed my eyes. I wanted to hear this. I'd wanted to for longer than I could remember. "I can't tell it to you enough. It will never make up for the past."

But I couldn't believe it. I didn't deserve it. "No you don't. You can't. I'm not worth it. I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..."

His voice was steely. "Don't you ever apologize to me, Draco. You did nothing wrong. Ever." I opened my eyes. There was no guile there.

But he was wrong. I was hardly innocent in this. I'd kidnapped my own sisters. To hurt him. "I did everything wrong."

"No."

"I just wanted to be a part of your life. Whatever it took. Even if you had to hate me for it."

He shook me. "I cannot say it any other way, Draco. It's not your fault. I caused this." He took a deep breath. "You know, I regret everything about my former life--except you. But if I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. Because if I did, I wouldn't have you. You are my boy. My baby boy. My Draco. The little boy with the sweet smile and the love that knew no bounds. And I took that from you. I have always loved you and I always will." Lucius looked at me now, and I couldn't look away, despite the tears that drenched my face. He pulled me in for another hug, and his voice was a whisper. "I love you Draco. I'm so sorry...son."

I put my arms around him and returned the hug. We stayed that way for a long time. No more words were necessary. Our tears continued to flow, right up to the moment when Snape entered the room.