Rumored Nervous Breakdown

I feel like I am the butt of some great, cosmic joke. The atmosphere around the school is more like Azkaban than a place to learn. It's unbelievable that Dumbledore is really gone. I heard that Dolores tried to get into his office, but the door sealed itself shut. Maybe this is Hogwarts' way of letting her know that she is not his successor.

Dolores calls an early staff meeting to gloat about this turn of events. She warns anyone who has contact with Dumbledore will be sent to prison for aiding and abetting a wanted person. During the entire meeting, she struts back and forth like a pink-colored peacock under an over-done Cheering charm. I wonder if this is what her Patronus looks like?

Sitting in the stuffy Staff Room, everyone except Severus is wearing an expression of pure hatred when watching Dolores do her "victory dance." Although no one has spoken a word, there is a sense of mutiny hanging over the room. The perception deepens as she unveils new "ethical standards" for conduct.

We have received a handbook of conduct from the Ministry. The bloody thing is at least 150 pages long. It contains some bizarre ethical standards like: not mentioning Voldemort in any version by name, not discussing our former headmaster, addressing Dolores as the "Headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry," and no lessons involving unnecessary wand-work.

I am starting to get a glance of what it might be like in Azkaban. We are trapped and unable to escape with Dolores as our personal Dementor. She is sucking the heart and soul of this school dry with her decrees and refusal to accept the truth about the return of Voldemort. The Ministry is just as responsible for the murders in the past few weeks as the Death Eaters.

Dolores sits with us at breakfast; however, she is sitting in Dumbledore's chair as if it were a throne. I can feel her gaze piercing me like daggers, and I know she must have something pretty nasty for me. The restraining order is still in effect, but how long will it last now?

I don't have to wait very long to find out my answer. As I walk out of the Great Hall, I feel someone tap me on the shoulder. I know who it is without looking, because I can smell that horrible rancid rose perfume.

I turn around in horror as she says, "I told you that those restraining orders were worthless. I have more influence over the courts than you know. The judge rather enjoyed his meal at my expense the other day. By the way, Rupert has an order to stay away from the school." She has a menacing grin on her face.

"You can't do that," I whisper to her in shock.

"I know you are lying about those papers, Eleanor. The Ministry may not be able to remove you because of a contract; however, this letter will make it to the Board of Governors." Dolores shoves a piece of pink parchment into my hands. Nothing has braced me for the content.

To the School Governors,

It has come to my attention that Eleanor Howard, the current Muggle Studies professor, has been participating in improper and erratic behavior since her start of employment. Her sudden disappearance and inability to remember where she was during the winter holidays is disconcerting. Before she went missing, several parents spotted her in Hogsmeade drunk and in the company of less than reputable men. This behavior resurfaced after developing an intimate relationship with Rupert Osgood, her lawyer and lover. Mr. Osgood and Professor Howard were found arguing openly in the corridors after he caught her having sex in her office with another male. He is very concerned about the potential pregnancy that may have resulted from this act. After this confrontation, she was found on the floor of her quarters having over-dosed on her medication.

The attempted suicide is not the first occurrence of this issue. This is the third attempt since her time as a student. In November, she was found on her bathroom floor with her wrists slashed. Behavior such as this is dangerous for the children to be exposed to.

Professor Howard's behavior falls into a long line of the former headmaster's eccentric choices for teachers. As the new headmistress, I wish to put an end to this problem. I have stopped the privileges of visitors to the school and the village.

Best regards,

Dolores Jane Umbridge

Headmistress and High Inquisitor

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

"Now, tell me where they are and I will burn this letter. I am willing to bet that you were not taking my threat seriously. You are a liar and need to be punished. Eleanor, you will tell me the truth sooner or later, but your time is running out. I will give you one week to make a decision. Your life as you know it is finished." She turns to walk away, leaving me stunned and unable to move. She seems to be in an awful hurry after threatening me, shouting at Filch to go get a student and bring him to her office right away.

I really do not remember leaving the Great Hall and walking to my office. Luckily, I don't have any classes today, but I have some serious review assignments that need to be graded. It won't be long until the fifth and seventh years take their exams. I can't lose focus on the students; however, Dolores's ultimatum keeps intruding on my thoughts. Even though the letter is a lie, the resulting fall out will ruin my life forever. I would be known as a dishonest, drunken whore and Rupert as a pervert; his professional life will be destroyed. That is a fate worse than death.

I seem to be reading and re-reading the same answer on a student's practice O.W.L. paper. I can't focus long enough to decide if it is correct. I think I will walk back to my quarters, make some cocoa and get my head together.

As I walk down the hallway, I stop at the classroom where Dolores cursed me the first time, warning me to mind my own business by cutting off my air. Everywhere there are reminders of how she has hurt me.

I walk into my own quarters only to find myself looking towards the wall Dolores slammed me into before she induced my heart attack. I am starting to feel nauseated from reliving the moment, so I run into the bathroom to splash some cold water on my face. A flashback of that horrible day in November when I collapsed in this bathroom, bleeding heavily from my wrists replays itself in my mind. The metallic smell of the blood still haunts my senses. With all these memories, the desire to retire to my bed is tempered by the memory of lying there as my friends agonized over my supposed suicide attempt.

I am going to walk the grounds. Maybe I can find somewhere that doesn't contain some horrible memory of Dolores tearing apart my life piece by piece. This is one of those times that I miss having Ozzy; a gallop out in the forest would go a long way in clearing my head.

My thoughts turn elsewhere the closer I come to the front gates. I wish I could talk to Rupert. He would always listen to my angst without allowing me to indulge in a pity party. I wonder what he is thinking right now? I can see him pacing in his office, attempting to find a way to reach me. I never realized how much I came to depend on him for support. I miss him so much. That day he took me to Hogsmeade was one of the most wonderful days in my life. I loved his creativity in setting up my birthday surprise. He must have been planning that since I came back to the school. It's been a long time since I allowed anyone to be this intimate in my life. I never want to lose this feeling for someone again. I think since Aggie died, I have been afraid of allowing someone to get close to me because of the fear they will go away also, leaving me alone in my grief.

Without realizing it, I find myself standing at the gates leading outside the school grounds. My first impulse is to run towards the village, find a way to contact Rupert, and go home to my parents. I could easily lose myself in the Muggle world as Dad's legal secretary. It's there right in front of me, all I need to do is to put one foot in front of the other, and leave this hell I once called a home.

What if I make a stand and not run home to Daddy? I am not the cowardly whore Dolores likes to portray me as. I have no idea what I am going to do to save my own arse, but I cannot walk away. There is no way Dolores is going to let me waltz out those gates into the sunset. Knowing her, she will hunt me down like the darkest of wizards and happily relocate me to Azkaban. Who could help me deal with her? Even though Dumbledore is on the run, there has to be somehow he can be contacted. If only I could get some word to Rupert. He ran rings around Dolores at every turn; however, he is out of my reach now, thanks to that psychotic bitch. As Severus once told me, I need to stand on my own two feet. With a heavy heart, I turn my back on the gates leading away from the school and return to my version of Azkaban.

I have made it through another day of classes, and I decide to skip dinner and stay in my office. The law book Rupert sent me so many months ago sits open on my desktop. It is the first present he gave me, and the inscription looks just as fresh as it did on Valentine's Day. I honestly have to admire his tenacity in staying with me through thick and thin. It must be a Hufflepuff trait, because Aggie refused to give up on me either.

"Eleanor!" Severus shouts, standing in the doorway with a look of disapproval. "I have been calling your name for ten minutes." He glowers at me with a stare that tells me he is not here because he wants to be.

"What the hell do you want?" I inquire. "I am not in the mood to deal with you right now."

"Lost in our angst again, are we?" He looks amused with himself for some reason. "Still worried about the letter Dolores is sending off?"

"Oh God, who else saw it?"

I am starting to panic with the room closing in on me. I feel as if someone has knocked the wind out of me. I cannot catch my breath, and I attempt to control the tiny wheeze that is leaking from my mouth. "When did she let you look at it?" I inquire in a rush of words. "Was it before or after I left the hospital?" She has let the Kneazle out of the bag, and I will be unable to face anyone again. I would like nothing better than to blast a hole into the floor and bury myself in it.

"No matter what you do, Eleanor, she won't stop until she gets what she wants." He is standing uncomfortably close to me reeking of sulfur and sour milk from some foul potion in his classroom. I don't like him to be so close to me. His demeanor is frightening me. "She gave you an ultimatum, didn't she?"

"Where do you find out all this information?" I never really thought to ask this question.

"Dolores feels that I am the only one in the school who is worthy of confiding in. Eleanor, you are only as good as your allies."

"I think I should sneak up behind that bloody bitch, stun her, and pull up the sleeve of that atrocious cardigan. I want to see if Dolores is a closet Death Eater."

"Yeah, they are important. However, you need to watch the spots they can leave on your character, and in your case, Severus, your arm." I see him grasp his forearm as if to hide something from me.

"I don't seem to be the person that no one has the faith to confide important information to," he retorts, losing the smug expression on his face, trading it for a look of concern.

"What did you want in here? I want you the hell out of my office!" He is hitting a nerve.

"I am not your personal owl," he says, pulling out an envelope. "I still don't know what you see in him." He stalks out of the room with a grunt, slamming the door behind him.

Nell,

Meet me tomorrow by the front gate during breakfast. Don't worry, the others will make sure that we are not interrupted. I miss you terribly and desperately need to speak to you. Nell, you are running out of options. Don't feel like you are alone, because that is what Dolores wants.

Truly yours,

Rupert

Sleep wasn't in the cards last night, because I worried about the others keeping Dolores busy while I find Rupert by the gates. I have no idea what Rupert is able to do for me from the outside; however, it is comforting to know I will see him again.

I walk down towards the gates, looking for Rupert, but I can't see him. I am frightened he might have been caught before I could get there.

"Nell," someone calls to me.

"Rupert, where are you?" I inquire in a whisper, suspicious this might be a trap I have my wand in my hand.

Rupert appears behind one of the trees just inside the gates; he is untangling himself from an Invisibility Cloak, looking around for anyone who might have spotted him. "It's so good to find you in one piece."

"I have never been so pleased to see you," I tell him, rushing forward to give him a hug. I just don't want to let go. Even with the danger of being spotted, I feel secure in his arms.

"I have missed seeing you." He is stroking my hair and plants a soft kiss on my temple.

"I have no idea how you got a letter into the school. I felt so alone." I am afraid I am going to fall apart completely.

He pushes me away so he can look me in the eye, pleading, "Nell, you can leave with me right now. I am sure there is a way to hide you somewhere." He looks expectant that I will just run for it. "You are shortening your life by doing this to yourself. I can't bear to see that happen. Your parents are positively panicked."

"Rupert, she will just hunt me down and throw me into prison. I am trapped here." He looks surprised by my reply. "I need to face the consequences of my actions. What ever can of worms I have opened up, I need to clean up this mess. Leaving now would delay the inevitable." I have started crying in earnest, and he holds me close again as if to shield me from the horrors at the top of the driveway.

"I was afraid you would say this. We have another plan to keep you out of harm's way." He steps back, holding out an envelope. "I don't like it; however, Dumbledore thinks this will buy you a little more time."

I wipe the tears off of my cheeks and take a deep breath. I take the envelope and open it to find what looks like the receipt for that lavish luncheon with Malfoy. I doubt if anyone would like me just to hand over this jewel to Dolores, so I decide to check if it is for real.

I marked every one of those documents secretly to prevent them from being tampered with. There should be three blue dots in the upper right hand corner. You can only see them through a spell that shines a red beam of light onto the page. As I check for the mark, I realize they are fakes.

"This is a forgery, a clever one, but still a forgery." I look at him with a minor note of irritation. "I always mark documents like this," I inform Rupert, showing him the spell to reveal my own hallmark."

"We can't let you hand over the originals. They will be needed in the future so the truth is not covered up," he explains, nervously running a hand through his scalp. "We will send them one at a time in some way. You need to tell her you will only give her them one at a time, because you want her to behave herself. If there is only one hint of harassment, you will have the rest destroyed. We are going to give them to her with the least damaging papers first." He reaches out to grab my chin to look at him. "I would rather see you leave with me right now. You still have a chance; there is room enough for two under this cloak."

"Rupert, I can't. I am not happy about looking like a coward by giving these back to her. I know they are fakes, but I still feel like a traitor as I hand them over. She will see me as just caving in to her might." I realize my time is running short, and I know we must leave each other.

"Nell, I need to go now before you are missed. My offer still stands, you can walk away right now." I know he doesn't want to leave me here. "I know you get irritated when I say this, but I do still love you." He throws the cloak over his head and leaves without another word.

All I can manage is a teary good-bye. I wonder if I should have shown him that I love him too.

When I get to the top of the drive, I head straight into my office to write Dolores a letter and send it via her favorite side-kick, Filch.

I have serious doubts as to whether I can pull off this ruse with Dolores. The same thought keeps running through my head: This is pointless; even if I manage to pull this off, it will just get covered up anyway.

As I wait in the Dark Arts classroom for Dolores to show up, I feel so alone. She thinks I am going to give her the entire set of papers; however, she could turn quite nasty when she discovers this treat is about to be denied to her. I know the evidence I am about to hand over is just a forgery, but I cannot stop the feeling that I am just caving into her desires.

"Eleanor, you are one cowardly little whore who has just realized she is nothing against the power of the Ministry." She walks out of the shadows with a sticky smile, wand held loosely in her hand. "Hand them over, and I will leave you alone. You and that Rupert can go skipping off happily, screwing each other when the urge hits." She seems really pleased with herself as she says, "You shouldn't have bothered with taking those papers; it will be covered up, and you will end up in a psychiatric ward if you and your friends try to expose anything. Who will they believe, the sickly, thieving whore or the Headmistress of Hogwarts?"

"You first, Dolores, I want to see the letter you want to give to the Board of Governors."

I can feel my heart racing out of control. "Even exchange at the same time. I give you mine; you give me yours. I want to see it out in plain sight; I don't want any tricks."

I can see in the flickering candlelight that it is the letter that threatens to ruin my life. We execute a mutual snatch-and-grab; however, Dolores looks furious as she opens the envelope. "This is only a receipt for that lunch with Malfoy." Her face looks menacing in the half-light of the room. "Where are the rest, you deceitful bitch?" Her wand is now pointed directly at my heart as she charges me. "I'd stick you in Azkaban; however, I doubt if you will make it to a holding cell with the Dementors guarding you."

I have my wand out instantly, shouting, "Stop, right there! Anything happens to me, you won't see another receipt." Dolores seems to freeze on the spot. "I will give them back piece by piece if you behave yourself. There are ninety days left in this school year; you will receive when I want to give them to you until I walk out those gates." My mouth has run completely dry. "You will receive one paper every two weeks. Don't follow me or harass me with your flunkies watching my every move, and I want that order against Rupert lifted." She doesn't look too pleased. "Keep away from me, or I will have my source destroy the rest. This includes writing or speaking to anyone about my so-called character issues."

"Two weeks from today, Eleanor, at the same time and location. Come alone or our bargain will be null and void. You will find yourself strapped down somewhere either in St. Mungo's or Azkaban." She is staring at me with cold anger, and I swear there is a tinge of red in her eyes. She looks positively demonic from this angle.

"I'll be here." I decide that is enough to be said, and I cautiously turn on my heel to leave in a hurry. I don't make it far, and I end up in a hidden corner of a disused classroom three doors down from the Potions classroom. I am shaking so badly, I can't even move. I am thinking about attempting to crawl that few feet towards Severus's office; however, sparkles of darkness have quickly over taken me.