Rumored Nervous Breakdown

Hooray! I made it down the hallway by myself today during a stroll around the ward. The Healer is so pleased about how quickly I have regained my strength; however, I am not asking anything about leaving the hospital.

When I arrive in my room, there is an envelope on the table from my friend Renee, who is keeping Ozzy during his retirement. She shares stories about his ability to escape from his stall and paddock. Last week, he opened his own stall then released the other horses in the barn. Renee found all ten animals in a next door neighbor's pasture. She even gives me the latest gossip about our circle of equestrian friends and their love lives.

The clearing of a throat catches my attention, and I realize Mum and Dad have come in; Mum has a box of my favorite pralines in her hands. She found that my tongue loosened as a child when she could get a favorite sweet in my system; it is more devious than Veritaserum.

"She must be pissed about something and needs to drag it out of me."

Mum starts off with the token "you look much better today." Both of my parents have the same expression on their faces as the time I mysteriously set fire to the front room rug without a match or lighter before receiving my Hogwarts letter.

"Nell, what happened with Rupert yesterday? He is such a nice gentleman with a blossoming career. How could you turn him away?" Dad inquires.

"Dad, he is my lawyer and not a boyfriend," I say angrily, looking him square in the eye. "He has had a crush on me since my first year." I have no idea how to explain this to the pair of them. "During my third year, he borrowed a quill from me Herbology. Aggie told me later that he'd slept with it under his pillow for a month."

Mum sits on the edge of the bed, taking my hand, saying, "We don't want you to be lonely."

"You had me married off to him, didn't you, Dad?" I inquire, coldly looking at my parents. "What were you discussing during your meetings? Were you there, Mum, picking out the china patterns and wedding invitations?"

Dad has a chilly crestfallen look washing over his face. "It's time to settle down, and I think you should give him a chance."

"If you like him so much, why don't you marry him?" I don't like having my future messed with. "Just stop meddling in my life." I just can't get it through his head about Rupert. "All I want right now is for you and me to make the decisions about my future without input from anyone else. Rupert and the others don't know me the way you do, and it is unfair for them to decide on my daily affairs," I tell them, looking for some idea of how they are taking this. "I didn't sack Rupert or tell him that he is a fool for loving me; I told him to talk to me as a friend and not a spouse. You cannot start an honest relationship in a setting like this."

A chilly truce is settling between us as I cross the next bridge of independence. "I know that I am able to walk out of here when ever I choose. I have no idea why you didn't tell me about not taking over guardianship."

Mum puts her arm in front of Dad in a bid to stop him from saying something. "Nell, we stopped the paperwork when we discovered that your behavior was not due to a break with reality, but some horrible injury inflicted by someone else. If we went through with it, you would never have any sort of independent life. We couldn't do that to you. We have been wrestling with the idea of when to tell you. Maybe what we did was cruel, but we didn't want you to leave and do something rash about this situation with Dolores Umbridge." Mum's voice is very shaky, and I grip her hand in a gesture of understanding.

"I can't even walk to the next ward without assistance, and I am not stupid enough to leave here until I am ready." I am crushed at the lack of trust between us. "Besides, my trump card has already been played with Dumbledore stealing my papers," I tell her, my voice full of venom. "There is little for me to do." I am only telling them a half-truth. The minute I can leave there is a good chance for me finding my way back to the school.

"Nell..." My mother begins to admonish my behavior, but I cut her off.

"Is it your wish that I live out my remaining moments lying with my feet up on your sofa sipping cocoa?" I inquire.

"That's right, play the pity and guilt cards."

"We want you safe and whole," Dad says tentatively. He seems to be wrestling with his thoughts.

"I told Dolores that I would walk out of the front doors to the school in June, and I will do it!" I exclaim, finding relief at speaking my mind. "I want to leave this world with the knowledge no one will see me as a coward, chased away by a cardigan-wearing twit."

"Nell, I think you need to let this go. You've fought a good battle, but it's time to let someone else take up your sword." Dad gets up quickly and leaves the room in frustration. I need for him to see that I am an adult, needing to fulfill a task set before me.

"Nell, I am going to leave, so I can talk to your father about this situation." My mum is blowing me off like Dumbledore. She stands up and moves to the door.

I cannot let her leave yet. "Don't take this away from me, Mum. You taught me when starting something, you need to see it to the end. Don't force me to give up this chance for closure, wishing I would come home with you and wither away wearing fuzzy, warm slippers." I am holding back tears of frustration. They are smothering me with their good intentions. Mum leaves without saying a word, but I am unable to determine her mood.

I feel emotionally drained by the exchange with my parents. I know they are desperately trying to keep our family together. Mum and Dad tried so hard to have children for years before I came along. After multiple miscarriages, they gave up on their dream of having a child of their own; Mum was told that she would never carry to term. Their "miracle child" was born a year later in April. I have always been "Daddy's little girl." I don't want to shatter the close bond I share with them over a misplaced desire to prevent me from having gloomy, lonesome future without love.

As I wipe a single tear off of my cheek, I look at the table to find Renee's letter to read again. Something pulls my eyes away from her letter to the poetry book sitting beneath it. The piece of parchment from the box my wand was returned in is sticking out of the pages. I was so excited about seeing my wand, I didn't pay attention to the little details of the letter discussing some familiar terms. Somewhere, I can recall an argument with someone about my running out of people willing to deal with my drama.

Severus! We had that fight in the hallway after Dolores and I had a blow-out about my return to the school after the holidays.

"Eleanor, there will come a point when you will run out of allies, and there will be no one to come find you, not even Lupin."

What would motivate that pitiful excuse for a human being to help me? As far as I know, neither of us has a hold over the other along the lines of a "Wizard's Life Debt" or an Unbreakable Vow. Who knows what lies in the dark, barren recesses of his mind. Is this one of his cruel tricks?

If he has sent the wand, did he send the poems? Pomona said that there were poetry books on Severus' desk. She couldn't believe that two people who loathe each other would share this. I didn't know if I even liked poetry. I hope this is not a declaration of love or a case of show and tell gone wrong.

There is a harsh slap of reality as I remember the tiny, cramped scrawl on the wand letter does not look at all like poetry entries I received during the time I was teaching. My heart drops to my knees as I realize the author of the wand note is not the same person sending me the poetry.

Remus is definitely out of the running. First, his script is very fluid and his pen strokes are broad. Second, he and I only had an "older brother and little sister" relationship. He wouldn't be so cruel to tease me like this. If it is not Remus, who could it be? There are so many suspects who have some contact with me.

Instead of looking at plausible benefactor, my mind gravitates toward the most absurd characters. I cannot keep focus on who is the most likely suspect. Let's see, how about Geoffrey Fellows from Missing Persons? Maybe he wants to make up for pinching my bum at a Christmas party. It could be Copperbottom; he was with me when I was dying in that ward. Dolores' favorite go-to-Auror, Dawlish, might do it out of penance for leaving me in that hospital, but he did like to walk past my office door more than he normally needed to. Oh, god, no! Please not Filch. That mental image is enough to make me stop this silly game. Why is someone playing with me this way?

I have been lying here since dinner, mulling Severus' commentary about allowing people to manipulate me. I need to move on and stop worrying about things that are outside my locus of control. Dad is only partially right about needing to allow someone else to take over my sword. Dumbledore has control over those papers, causing me to wait until they resurface again to explain my side of the story. I think I should not hand over my fight against the Ministy, I just need to focus my energy somewhere else.

Dolores is involved in not only the embezzlement of funds, she is guilty of attempted murder on an ex-Auror and teacher. The only way of getting back at her and fulfilling my final quest is to return to Hogwarts. I am still under contract, and I have not resigned my position. If the hospital says I am well enough to leave, this means I can go back to work. There will be little poor Dolores can do to stop me.

Before I can make this next huge decision, I need to heal the rift between my loved ones. I need to make peace with Rupert and my parents. I really need their support. There is only one thing for me to do; I need to meet with Rupert on my terms. Mum and Dad gave me parchment and quills so I can contact Renee or someone else when I want to.

Dear Rupert,

I think it is time we have a talk about what has been happening over the past few weeks. I want you to remain as my lawyer and a friend. I know my parents went a little over board with their matchmaking. Although their intentions were mislaid, I don't want this to remain as a rift between us.

Nell

I have an assistant to one of the Healers owl the letter to Rupert before I go to bed. Having unsettled business with him will not lead to any closure in my life. Like I told my Mum, I always finish what I have started. A few minutes after sending off my letter, I fall into an exhausted sleep.

I do not have to wait long for a reply:

Nell,

I was about to send you a letter discussing my handing the case over to someone else. Your actions hurt me to the core, especially after spending so much time being at your side in the hospital. You were right, I crossed the line between being your lawyer to acting like a boyfriend; however, some of your actions led me to believe that you wanted a more intimate relationship. I will be there this evening to speak with you.

Rupert

Rupert shows up dressed up in his most business-like robes and carrying that tatty brief case. His manner seems to be cold, but his eyes are telling me a different story.

"Well, Miss Howard..." Rupert starts out formally like I am some stranger.

"Rupert, enough of the 'Miss Howard' crap. I really need to talk to you, and this is not going to help either one of us." I motion for him to sit next to my bed. "I need the people closest to me now more than ever. I cannot just shut you out because of a misunderstanding."

"I thought that night when I held your hand after Lupin left, we shared something special." He is close to tears, and I feel so guilty. "You told me that Severus was wrong about me being below your standards and being boring." He is looking down at the floor in despair.

"Rupert, I don't think you have ever been boring, and I am proud to call you my friend. You were asking me questions, and I gave you answers from the standpoint of a friend. It was far from a marriage proposal." I need to be careful about coming across as being sarcastic. He is very hurt. I don't want to traumatize him with some stupid comment. "Have you ever heard of something called, 'Florence Nightingale Syndrome'?"

"No," he answers in confusion

"She was a Muggle nurse who took care of British soldiers in the nineteenth century. It is a relationship that evolves from the gratitude between a caregiver and patient; however, the feeling is sometimes interpreted as love. The feeling then becomes a possessiveness to alter the lives of those in their charge, making decisions when they don't have a right to do so." He raises his head and looks at me with a softer expression. "I am afraid that is what is happening between us. I am resentful about how everyone jumped into taking over my life. It felt like a carcass waiting for the vultures to devour me."

He is unable to look me in the eye. As he shifts his gaze to the ceiling, there are tears rolling down his cheeks; I hand him a tissue, waiting for him to respond. "I'm sorry, I had no idea. I wanted to look out for your best interests. You don't know how horrible it was to find you lying on your parlor floor. I felt I had let everyone down by not having you admitted here."

"I am going to need your help and support when I leave here." He doesn't seem to be paying attention to me. He is lost in his own guilt. "Rupert, are you paying attention?" There is a tone of annoyance in my voice as I say, "I really need your support when I leave here. I want to go back to Hogwarts to finish out the year."

"Go back?" he inquires vapidly. A veil of horror covers his face as he has finally processed what I have said. "You can't do that. Someone else is working in your place." His hand covers his eyes in an expression of frustration. "Go to the beach, stay at some resort, but don't go back there!" he exclaims franticly.

"You of all people should know that I am under contract, and I can't resign my position." With every word, he grows paler in the face. "I am reclaiming my position, and I need you to help uphold the rules. As my lawyer and friend, I need this."

His voice is business like as he expresses, "As a friend, I think you may need some serious therapy; however, as your lawyer, I will fight for you. I cannot say that I am happy about this, but I need to look after your legal affairs." A wry grin spreads across his face. "Merlin, imagine taking on the Prophet and the Board of Governors at the same time; you do keep me busy."

With the canyon of misery bridged, we are able to discuss my affairs as my own, not my parents' version of what they should be. Although he is reluctant to agree with my choices, he puts on his professional face and soldiers on. Our conversation lasts for hours and is broken up by a Healer who asks Rupert to leave.

As he walks out the door, I no longer resent his view of me as a person. He understands that he needs to separate his professional and social feelings, and I have learned discussing my feelings appropriately will prevent any further misunderstandings.

Since he has left, I have been sitting here with a quill and paper for the past hour, attempting to write the headmaster about my return. I don't have a clue what his reaction will be when he receives this. He may see this as an opportunity to control me or another way to speed up my death.

"If I get myself closer to danger, the further I am from harm."

Professor Dumbledore,

I am writing this letter to inform you that I am returning to the school to fulfill the terms of my contract. St. Mungo's will be releasing me in several days with the ability to resume my duties. There will be few restrictions on my capabilities when at Hogwarts.

None of the restrictions prevent me from any teaching duties.

Eleanor A. Howard

Renee has sent me another letter discussing Ozzy's creative ability for mischief. Yesterday, he let himself out of the stall and turned on every faucet in the barn. Renee knew exactly who was responsible for this prank, and he was snoozing peacefully in the stall.

I laugh at the story, reading it over and over with a pang of nostalgia. A squeak of shoes on the tile floor catches my attention, and I look up to find Minerva standing in front of me.

"Nell, is it true you wish to come back to Hogwarts?" she inquires. "Rupert came to the headmaster's office this morning with a copy of your contract in his hands, stating you were going to finish out the year." She pulls out a chair to sit next to me.

"Minerva, I need to do this. I refuse to allow the school and community to believe what Dolores has said about my character. How would you feel when someone enters a room to see you, calling you a 'whore' instead of your name? She is drafting a letter to the school governors saying that I had sex in my office with anyone having a 'Y' chromosome. Let's not forget her accusations that I was pregnant after cheating on Rupert," I say sharply, clenching my fists in frustration. "How would you like to live with that floating out there? I am reclaiming my position and reputation. Like it or not, this is what I am going to do!"

"You don't understand how badly the school environment has disintegrated. Dolores is taking over the position of authority, preventing Professor Dumbledore from carrying out any of his duties. It is dangerous for you to be there." Her voice is near hysteria. "She is concentrating most of her punishments at the school on students who are half-bloods and Muggleborns. I wonder if she will be ordering the need for tagging an ear and tattooing someone across the forehead to identify blood status. I overheard her having a discussion about Muggleborns not being worthy of going to our school or working at the Ministry." Minerva looks at me in earnest, grasping my hand hard and brushing a few stray hairs away from my face. "Nell, you are the only Muggleborn teacher at the school, and this makes your situation more dangerous. She has been paying..." Minerva stops speaking suddenly. It seems she has slipped out with something I shouldn't have been told.

"She is doing what?" I inquire, knowing she is not going to say anything else. Minerva always wears the same expression showing the topic is closed. "Then I must go back. This will give her the opportunity to run witches of my birth off without a fight. There are people who need me. Take Ursula for example, I heard she is falling apart. I don't want her to end up like me, strapped down as a teenager for her own safety at St. Mungo's." I hope she understands how urgent it is for me to return. "Besides, Charity and I were discussing her desire to get some mentorship on her teaching technique when I came back from my so-called Winter Holiday."

"Rupert told us your family is reluctantly supporting your decisions. Although we feel this may be a fool's errand, you are correct on the legal aspect of your contract. I wish for you to reconsider and resign." Minerva's face reminds me of my Mum when she would talk to me after a nasty seizure. There is genuine concern there, but I want to stand on my own two feet.

"I will storm the gates if need be; however, I told that horrible woman I would walk out those doors under my own power or removed in a coffin. I refuse to go back on this promise."

Minerva stands up and slides the chair to its original position. "I shall inform the headmaster of your return upon your release." She walks out the door stiffly. I hope I have not torn our relationship apart.

It has been a week since our conversation, and I find myself with Rupert, sitting in Dumbledore's office; Minerva is sitting next to us with a muscle moving in her jaw as if she were biting back some comments. She doesn't look angry but concerned. She has that "mother hen" look on her face. As I hand over my release papers to return to work, Dolores waddles in looking a bit unhappy with the news of my return.

"Albus, as Hogwarts High Inquisitor, I really don't feel that her return is appropriate. Stories are being told about her loose morals in the community," Dolores says irritably, standing next to my chair.

"Dolores, your comments are baseless and unfounded," Dumbledore speaks up in my defense. "We all know what really happened in the past few weeks; the topic is closed as far as we are concerned."

"What about her health? She looks dreadful!" Dolores roughly grabs my chin pulling my face upwards to look into her eyes, causing my neck to hurt; I slap her hand away to relieve the pain. Dumbledore hands the paperwork to Dolores, and she purples in the face. "There is no way I will permit some unbalanced, diseased whore to return to this school!" Dolores tosses the document back onto the desk.

Minerva's mouth gapes in outrage. She stands up before I can say anything, shouting, "How dare you!" Rupert grabs the sleeve of her robes to prevent her from cursing Dolores.

"Professor Umbridge, I will ask you to not speak about one of my teachers by such terms." Dumbledore is composed, but I have noticed his eyes have narrowed to tiny little slits. "I have known her since she was a student, and this behavior you have accused her of never happened." His expression and tone change when he hands her a copy of my signed contract. "Eleanor is on contract unlike Professor Trelawney. The Ministry has stated that she will not be allowed to resign or be sacked unless a Healer declares her unfit to work. She could run naked, leading a conga line of plimpies across the Great Hall, and the only action that could be taken is limited to a docking in her salary. Look at Section two, paragraph nine, subsection eight-B." The twinkle is now returning into his eye. "You know that Magical contracts are binding and cannot be changed."

I take a sideways glance at Minerva, and to my surprise, she seems rather pleased at the turn of events; however, I feel there will be a need for a private conversation to fully explain my feelings.

Rupert clears his throat. "If I may interrupt, there is something I need to give Professor Umbridge. This is a restraining order that does not permit you to come within twenty feet of my client unless myself, Albus Dumbledore, Minerva, or, oh yes, Madam Pomfrey in the room. There is a provision for discussing anything about my client without her permission, seeing as the issue is that of physical and mental fitness. It is illegal to discuss any of these topics to a third party."

He hands her the paperwork without any expression on his face. "If you violate this order, there is a nasty repelling charm that will take effect."

Dolores is very angry, swelling like some hyperactive, pink puffer fish. "Watch your step, Eleanor."

"Dolores, I always watch my step; however, I must remind you to watch where you have stepped." Everyone looks down at her foot. There is a large wad of Droobles on her pumps.

She points her stubby wand to Vanish the sticky mess, but it keeps reappearing at every attempt. "Dolores, do you require assistance?" Minerva inquires, smiling slightly. I think she suspects a Weasley invention in progress.

Dolores just removes her shoe, storms toward the door, and turns around growling with irritation at the four other occupants of the room before exiting the room. I have a feeling there will be some decree on candy issued today.

"Welcome back," Dumbledore says, eyebrows disappearing under his hairline.

I give Rupert a quick smile before informing everyone of my need to depart the room to unpack and speak to Charity about how my students are dealing with their upcoming N.E.W.T.s and O.W.L.s.