Rumored Nervous Breakdown

The smell of an obviously burnt breakfast hits my senses, waking me rudely to my hell. On this ward, they pretend to ask you what you want on the menu for the day; however, our requests are rarely met. The food is often cold, over cooked, and too salty.

This morning, I don't think my lack of appetite is due to poorly prepared food. I cannot wrap my mind around the last conversation with Rupert. I don't want him to set himself up for an emotional disaster when he discovers that it would never work out. Rupert has always worn his heart on his sleeve, and it would often lend itself for being teased by some of the most ruthless heartbreakers at school. They would often set up a meeting with him during a Hogsmeade visit, leaving him stranded at Madam Puddifoot's alone. When several of my friends tried to set me up with him, I refused to go on a visit that weekend. Poor guy, he just never got that the girls were having a game with him. I think he just enjoys the chase. My reaction when he was holding my hand came out of a need not to be alone in this awful place, not a declaration of my feelings for him.

After picking at my food, the only thing I feel like doing is sitting up with my chin resting on my knees and staring aimlessly at the wall. I must have drifted off, because the clearing of someone's throat catches my attention. I just want to dig a hole and hide when I realize Severus is standing in front of me.

"Home sweet home, isn't it, Eleanor?" He has this twisted smirk on his face that only means trouble.

I look him square in those beetle black eyes, telling him, "Piss off, Severus. I am not in the mood." I would love to get out of bed and strangle him, but I don't want to end up in restraints for the rest of my life. "What the hell do you want?"

"Eleanor, this show of aggression could see you getting shock spells to work on your attitude." He is pacing the room like a leopard cutting a weak animal out of the herd. "The Headmaster has asked a staff member to find out how you are progressing. I volunteered because it is my morning off." He has stopped pacing, reaches into his robes, and pulls out a book-shaped package. "Minerva found this package on your desk the morning after you were admitted. I thought I should bring it here to save her the trip."

I snatch the package out of his hand with more strength than he is expecting. "Tell her thank you." I wave my hand in a dismissive gesture saying, "So, why don't you toddle off to your classroom and scar some poor first year for the rest of their life?" There is definitely venom in my voice. "And, what twisted tale have you told the students about my disappearance?"

He has his lip curled as walked over to the side of my bed and leers down at me. "I didn't tell them anything but the truth." He always gives an ambiguous answer when he toys with his victims. "There is never a dull moment with you in the vicinity. When you left, Umbridge was coming up with wild theories of what pushed you to attempt suicide; at any rate, she claims you were coming out of an empty classroom with a man in the middle of an argument. Her theory is that he was abandoning you, because you were caught cheating on him."

I am fighting to keep myself from getting worked up. I don't want to fall into his trap for humiliation. My mouth remains shut before something stupid could come out by accident.

"By the way, Eleanor, where's that precious Rupert of yours? I heard he was in here mooning over you, holding your hand while you fell asleep." I think he has spent too much time with Dolores. "I hope he was only holding your hand, because you both have a reputation of slinking off together for a quick romp." I swear butter would not melt in his mouth as he says, "I am sure the Healers advised you that it is dangerous for someone who has your condition to engage in sexual activity."

"Why don't you just shut it and leave me alone?" I can feel my face getting hot. "Right now, I don't care about Rupert or anyone else. Just go!" I fall backwards onto the pillow and let out a grunt of irritation, knowing I should not show that he is winning.

Severus stalks over to the doorway, turns around, and says, "I shall let the Headmaster know that you are looking much better today." He leaves the room with a slam of the door.

I look down to my lap and realize there is still the question of what has been delivered. As I open the package, the title of the book is A Boy's Will by Robert Frost. There is a piece of parchment marking a particular poem, and it is very sweet and inspirational. I break out into a tearful grin as I read:

MY NOVEMBER GUEST

My sorrow, when she's here with me,

Thinks these dark days of autumn rain

Are beautiful as days can be;

She loves the bare, the withered tree;

She walks the sodden pasture lane.

Her pleasure will not let me stay.

She talks and I am fain to list:

She's glad the birds are gone away,

She's glad her simple worsted gray

Is silver now with clinging mist.

The desolate, deserted trees,

The faded earth, the heavy sky,

The beauties she so truly sees,

She thinks I have no eye for these,

And vexes me for reason why.

Not yesterday I learned to know

The love of bare November days

Before the coming of the snow,

But it were vain to tell her so,

And they are better for her praise.

This simple passage makes all my anger and frustration fade away. This poem is about seeing good things in the saddest places. I really wish I knew who has been sending these tidbits of literature. I know I can eliminate Rupert from the list of suspects. But I need to answer the question: What got Dolores' wand in a knot about the bits of poetry she was waving about my last night at the school? She kept acting like it was an address book of the who's who in my non-existent love life. Point of fact, why is she acting so jealous over some unnamed person sending me bits of old parchment with some poetry on them?

I have spent most of the day reading the book, and I don't notice that Edwards has walked into the room. I look up in surprise, because I didn't realize he is there until he clears his throat.

"I see that someone brought you something. Your parents were contacted by the school, and they approved a teacher to give this to you." He pulls up a chair, peering at what I am reading. "Robert Frost? I didn't know you enjoyed poetry."

I close the book with a snap, because this is something private given to me, and I don't feel like playing "show and tell". "It helps to pass the time."

I am on my guard as we begin our conversation, because I am a bit hurt over his handling of our first conversation the day I had my heart attack.

For over an hour, we are talking about my social history, major life events, and how I was doing at Hogwarts. It was not as painful as that stupid trainee who was belligerent and condescending; however, I don't think he understands my seizures are not in my head. Many may have been triggered by stress, but most of them were not.

Edwards is gathering up a few things, and I can see the room becoming overly clear and the sound of him rustling papers is like a jet engine taking off. I have been sitting on the edge of the bed, feeling a flood of horror and fear. I wish he would leave me alone right now.

"Eleanor, are you feeling all right?" he inquires with a strange expression. "You are looking a bit pale." He has a hold on my shoulder, and his touch is burning my skin.

I brush his hand off my shoulder saying, "No, nothing is wrong." I lie quickly, hoping he will just leave me alone as I attempt to stop the jerking in my neck. "Lunch must have not agreed with me." I give him a sickly smile, but I don't think he is buying my excuse. I can hear my own characteristic wheezing in the room.

"Eleanor?" His voice sounds as it were coming from inside a cave. "Eleanor, you don't look well at all. Why don't I get..."

Everything suddenly goes dark, and I have the sensation of falling and hitting the floor face first; every muscle is out of control, twitching and jerking over and over. Someone has mercifully put something soft under my head after rolling me over. A man is yelling in the room, but I can't figure out what he wants. The world disappears under a curtain of silence and darkness.

Mum's voice catches my attention, but I am too exhausted to open my eyes and figure out what is going on. "Well, it's obvious this one wasn't caused by repressing some feelings. Nell broke her nose and has a concussion because of your stupidity." Mum has never been intimidated by the awe of the wizarding medicine, and she is very happy to interject her own opinions. "Why don't you stop dealing with her psychiatric problems and concentrate on not killing her because of an over-bloated ego."

"Mrs. Howard, you need to understand her extensive..." Edwards is cut-off by my father.

I can just imagine Dad purpling in the face; he always backs my mother up when facing decisions about me. "I want her placed in a more appropriate setting. It's really hard to cause self-harm in her condition. I want to just concentrate on getting her body in one piece before putting her mind back together."

Mum is just getting wound up again as she says, "You figured out how some curse is making her so ill and promised that she would be better with some treatment; however, it looks like she is slipping away piece by piece." I hear a loud sniffle as she finishes her thought.

"When we first discussed this situation, I told you there might be many layers to this spell. Since it was botched and poorly cast, there is no telling what kind of other curses or contamination that may have taken hold by accident or design." I recognize the calm voice of Preston. I appreciate her not treating my mother as an outsider. "I cannot help her if you are unable to have faith that I will find a solution."

"You need to understand that she is our only child, and we are willing to do anything in our power to protect her. We have seen her written off more than once; our only hope Nell has the strength to weather this one as well." I can smell his aftershave, making me feel more secure as he stands next to the bed.

Preston is close to the bed, she always wears lemon verbena perfume when I have been in her presence. "I have to concur with her parents' wishes, Thomas. She needs to be in a ward that can monitor her medical needs."

I cannot keep up with the thread of the conversation, because my exhausted brain can no longer handle it.

There is confusion at every level as I wake up because the room I am in is not the one on the psychiatric wing. This room is very small and like the other wing, I am the only patient in it. There is monitor like the one at St. Mark's that registered my vitals; however, I can clearly tell by the name stamped on the sheets, I am still at St. Mungo's. I realize I have been in a room like this before; I was here after Aggie and I were attacked to recover from my injuries.

I find my mother sitting in a chair knitting to keep herself busy. She started this when I was here after I was attacked at the Ministry. Mum seems pleased as I open my eyes and look at her, I feel so guilty because of my new drama. Rupert, for his part, looks rather worried by my state. He looks haggard and exhausted as if he has spent many days without sleep.

Without a word, he leaves the room in a hurry; a few minutes later, he comes back with a Healer I remember from my stay in the ward, learning how to care for myself after a curse broke my neck. Healer Stanwyck treated me with a combination of sympathy and a manner that would not let self pity take over.

Stanwyck shines a light from her wand into my eyes and seems pleased about what she sees. "It has been a long time since I have seen you." She turns to face Mum saying, "She's going to be here for a while and not upstairs with Healer Edwards or Preston; however, Preston will be down here to continuing her treatment. I understand that Edwards is no longer working with her at this time. I would like to give you a few minutes to visit with Eleanor privately." Stanwyck dismisses herself from the room.

"I'm sorry, Mum," I say in a barely audible voice. I just hate putting her through all of this. I can hear Dolores' discussion with that woman in my room several days ago about how much of a burden I am on my parents.

Mum's brow furrows as she tells me, "There is nothing to be sorry about. I'm not angry about this. Your father is in court today, and he is unable to be here; he will come down here after he has finished. The hospital is allowing your father and me to stay with you as much as we want."

Rupert is standing in a corner and seems to want to say something, but he cannot find a way to determine if this is the appropriate at this time. "Nell, I have received requests to add more people on the suit against the Prophet. I am trying to force them to settle with us instead of going to court. I will come by to see you if I can everyday; however, I cannot make this a promise." I am a little taken aback when he plants a quick kiss on my forehead, whispering a quick good-bye.

Stanwyck walks in with some potion for me to take. I want to escape from this nightmare for awhile so I do not protest swallowing it. Sleep hits me like a bludger to the head, and I fall into the deep pit of unconsciousness.

I don't know what time of the day, but I awake when my father plants a quick peck on my cheek saying, "Nell, Stanwyck wants Mum and me to take time to get some sleep. We have been ordered to take a nap before she is forced to slip us something in our tea." He has a mirthless grin on his face.

Someone has given me a dose of medication, but I don't want to go back to sleep. I am tired of being ill, drowsy, and pissed off at the world. I have always been the type of person who is active and loves the outdoors. I would spend hours at the stable when I was working at the school. Very few staff members wanted to leave the comfortable confines of the castle, but I did. As a student, I was forbidden to ride a broom for fear I might have a seizure and fall to my death. I had to find other ways of enjoying my time outside of classes. Aggie had a horrible case of vertigo and only rode a broom during her first year, so we found other ways to occupy our free time. We were not in the same house, preventing us from spending time in a common room together. There were some days I wanted to be in Hufflepuff with her. I wish she were here right now, because she always knew how to make me laugh.

I am slowly dropping off with fond memories of my time at school. There is someone entering the room. I look over towards the door, hopeful for a friendly face; however, I am out of luck when two people appear: one a stranger in the robes of a hospital employee and the other wearing an ugly cardigan walk into the room.

I want to confront Dolores instead of hiding in a feigned sleep, but I don't have the strength to fight her blows to my character. The urge to curse her into oblivion is tempered by the fact I do not have a wand. At some level, I would settle for slapping her senseless.

"Madam Umbridge, I am glad you could make it. You told me to let you know if her condition changed. Eleanor was moved down here a few hours ago after she had an eight minute long seizure. I found out that Healer Preston has discovered Eleanor is the victim of a botched curse no one has heard of for years. She told Preston who did it, but no one is privy to the information. I do know the effects have caused several heart attacks in recent months." The stranger is acting like Dolores is a close relative. "It's a highly restricted area, so I will get sacked if we get caught in here. I can let you in for a moment before her guardians come back; they are refusing to accept any visitors for her right now. They only permitted one of the teachers at the school to bring a gift by."

"I want to find out who sacrificed their time to come here, so I can thank them for helping my dear friend raise her spirits," Dolores says with a sound of false gratitude in her voice. "I will personally thank them when I get back."

"I'll leave you two alone for a minute for a private chat. Please be careful not disturb her too much. Healer Stanwyck's wish is to just make her comfortable until..." The woman seems unable to finish her sentence for some reason. "I'll be back in a while."

It is frightening to find her staring at me intensely, because I am unable to even sit up in to defend myself. "Eleanor, I want to know what you said about our little private chats to rearrange your attitude." There is an odor in the room; it's a mixture of her rancid perfume and cheap wine.

"They know everything," I tell her, attempting to stare her down with what little strength I have left. "The Healers know you attacked me with an illegal curse. You are so incompetent, Madam Inquisitor, you botched a spell that the dimmest third year could do."

Dolores is standing over me, and I want to vomit from the smell emanating from her. "Eleanor, I know for a fact you stuck those papers to the back of that painting. They are not there now. What did you do with them?"

"Dolores, I don't know." I hold my breath, bracing myself for the onslaught to come.

"Liar! Where are they?" she shouts, pointing her wand in my face. "Tell me the truth!"

"I don't know!" I shout back. "They're gone; someone else got there first." The urge to run is tempered by the fact that my body is refusing to respond. I am totally helpless, because I lack a wand.

"All you ever tell are lies!" Her face is beet red, swelling with anger. "You stole Ministry property. I should have you thrown in prison." She moves her wand within an inch of my neck, threatening to cut off my air.

"Even if you have me thrown in prison, everyone will know what happened with your creative accounting, because another party has them safe now." I have a smirk rolling across my face; however, her wand still hasn't moved. "You authorized 400 Galleons for a luncheon with Malfoy last spring?" The look on her face is priceless. "You served pumpkin juice and cucumber sandwiches amongst four people. What kind of pumpkin would warrant a price like that?"

"Eleanor, you know I can have your pension and school salary disappear." She looks happy at the shock on my face. "If you want to keep it, you will tell me!"

"Dolores, the way things are going, I probably won't live long enough to collect on it anyway," I retort, attempting to reassume a neutral look on my face. "Try again; I am not afraid of you."

Her wand is now pointed at my heart. A smile creeps across her face as she threatens, "Don't make this any harder, Eleanor. Your parents will be so devastated when they wake up from their nap down the hallway, finding you have had another heart attack and died all alone." She is distracted by someone opening the door. Her wand is still aimed dangerously close to my heart; however, it disappears behind her back when the stranger appears from the hallway, adopting a look of benevolence when facing the intruder.

"Madam Umbridge, someone is coming back." The stranger in Healer's robes has opened the door to warn Dolores; however, she doesn't even care. "I think it is one of her Healers," she says urgently. "I am going to be sacked if we are found in here."

"Gladys, I am not finished with my chat. Go back outside while I talk to my dear Eleanor." Dolores seems to be a bit irritated as Gladys attempts to pester her again with her bleating. "I will leave when I feel like it!" The door shuts, and I am forced to weather the oncoming storm on my own.

"Dolores, you're drunk! Leave before you do something you regret!" My breath is coming in small gasps, but I make an effort to keep my emotions in check a little while longer.

Her wand is touching my skin, and I wait for the burning to start; however, she seems to be holding back for some reason; her toad-like grin is growing wider. "Thanks to me, the entire community is about to learn what a demented whore you are. The bumbling idiots who broke into your room supplied me with plenty of evidence. So, who have you been sleeping with when you get a moment alone? Could it be Osgood during those private meetings? Isn't it odd that he is coming to see you in the middle of the week as well as keeping your usual appointment on Saturdays?" Dolores inquires, taking her wand away and moving to the foot of the bed. "Who are you with when he isn't there to satisfy your cravings? I have it on good authority that you enjoy copulating with anyone who will oblige you. Lucius Malfoy overheard a witness say your favorite place is in your office where it is nice and private. Are you having an affair with one of the students? What a horrible thing to do with a child," she declares with false shock.

This one is a low blow. I would never touch a student, especially not to have clandestine sex in my office. "Never," I blurt out. "I would never do something like that." My protest is drowned, because she is ignoring me.

Dolores continues her verbal assault on my character saying, "The school governors are going to be stunned when they find out you attempted suicide when Rupert caught you in mid-act with another man in your office. I witnessed the horrible argument in the hallway when he found out you were cheating and three months pregnant. Let's see, you would be due in November then. You have been with so many men, how are you every going to find the father?"

"That's a lie!" I shout. "I am not a slattern, and Rupert and I never..." Dolores doesn't even hear my reply.

"The Prophet could have been right about where you were during the winter holidays. Eleanor, the seeds have been sown so to speak." She laughs at her own comment. "No one will want be associated with you when I am finished." The angrier she becomes, the more her speech seems to slur. She lunges forward to press her wand back on top of heart, and I can feel the contact point with my skin start to heat up.

I know what is coming next as she applies more force to the contact point from her wand on my skin. Without even thinking about it, I scream, "No! Dolores, I don't know where they are now! Someone got there..." My crying has disintegrated into racking sobs. "Please, no!"

"If you tell me what happened, I will leave you alone." She has a malevolent look in her eyes.

I hear her mutter something under her breath, and my chest is struck with sharp stabs of pain. "I am telling the truth!" I could tell her who stole them; however, I think she enjoys having someone begging for mercy. She has always been a sadistic control freak. "Dolores, stop!" My breath is starting to come out in short gasps. "I can't..." She releases the pressure, smiling at my distress. Silver sparks glint into my vision as darkness creeps in. I can feel sweat dripping down my face, mixing with the tears. "Gone..." My efforts to speak are swallowed up by my own wheezing.

"Tell me the truth, you filthy ..." Dolores hides her wand when someone opens the door.

Dolores' lookout pops her head back into the room. "Madam Umbridge, I saw Rupert Osgood coming down the hall," Gladys whines. She hears my raspy breathing and gets a look of shock at the sight of the monitor over my head. "What are you doing? Are you trying..."

Dolores turns around and fires off a hex, pinning Gladys against the wall. There is terror in the poor woman's eyes when Dolores is standing a foot from her; however, it is only fleeting as her memory is modified, and she is sent out the door looking very content.

Once Gladys has drifted into the hallway, Dolores seals the door shut, then lunges at the bed with her wand pointed at me once more. "If I don't get the papers from that audit, I will show everyone how you have been cavorting with your many lovers indiscriminately on school grounds; everyone in the wizarding world will know that Eleanor Howard is a deceitful, cowardly, psychotic whore, needing to be put out of her misery." She is cut off from another word as someone hammers on the door.

There is a loud bang and the door is forced open. The rescue party consists of my parents, Rupert, and one of the Healers. All four have adopted look of unadulterated fury when they sees who is standing by the bed. Dad starts to say something, but Rupert beats him to the punch. "Umbridge, get out of here!" Rupert barks. "Leave her alone. She hasn't done anything that warrants what you did to her."

"Why are you defending that harlot?" Dolores asks, with wine-scented spit flying in his face, pointing her wand my direction. "You shouldn't be around her. Eleanor is giving people the impression you both slip off to have sex in her office during your 'meetings'." She gives a dramatic sigh and says, "It's so heartless for her to cheat on you."

I have never seen this side of Rupert as he shouts, "You're drunk!" I see him grimace from the smell. "Nell and I never had relations! You're just grasping at straws to ruin her life." Rupert has a white knuckle grip on his wand as he shouts, "I can't wait to see you in front of a judge! When I am finished, you will only be left with that puke-colored cardigan and the stupid kitten plates Fudge gives you every Valentine's Day."

Apparently the Healer has heard enough as she orders, "Get out of my ward, Madam Umbridge!" Her wand is drawn, and she seems to have made an impression on Dolores.

Dolores stomps angrily towards the door. Instead of immediately leaving, she turns to address the assembled room. "Rupert, I hope you get a paternity test to figure out if that is your baby she is carrying before signing the birth certificate in November." She develops a smug expression, knowing she has humiliated me in front of my family by making me out as a "ten-Sickle floozy". "By the way, you might think about a chastity charm to prevent her from ruining another man's life." She exits the room with a violent slamming of the door.

The Healer walks over to my bed as Dolores finally leaves, attempting to find out what is going on as my eyes start rolling up in my head from the pain. My chest and back are so sore, and I cannot take a breath deep enough to tell her what transpired. Every time I open my mouth, all that comes out are short, high-pitched popping noises. The lack of oxygen is causing me to shut down.

I am losing touch with the world as shoves a glass under my nose, and I swallow the potion without tasting it. As my eyes finally close, I hear Rupert say, "I am going to slip out, because I want to see about some security measures with hospital officials. If you need anything, let me know." There is a sound of shuffling feet and then someone's hot breath on my face. "I'm not going to abandon you," Rupert whispers, planting a soft kiss on my cheek. With my face tingling from his contact, sleep sucks me down for the last time.

The Healers have worked hard most of the evening to reverse the injuries inflicted by Dolores. At one point, to my horror, one conducts a pregnancy spell to see if I am expecting in November. When it comes back negative, there are grateful sighs of relief from the direction of the half-open door after one of the Healers leaves to break the news to Rupert and my parents.

The past few hours I have been floating in and out between doses of medication, but I just need to think. I know that the only way to stop Dolores Umbridge is to show the truth of what is really happening. There is little I can do right now; however, I will get out of this bed and go after her at all costs. Nothing is going to stop me. I told her I would be leaving the school at the end of June, either in a coffin, or under my own power. When I make a promise, I always try to keep it. I want my wand back, and if I don't get it, someone's is going to get "lost."