Rumored Nervous Breakdown

Dolores's warning has me very unnerved as I walk back to my quarters to retire for the night. The dynamic at the school is causing a wedge between the staff and students. It's like the students no longer trust us, because our character and abilities to teach are being called into question. The loyalty to a favorite teacher is splitting students along House lines. I especially see this with the Slytherin students isolating themselves from the rest of the school population. It's sickening how Ursula is now caught in the middle. When it is constantly hammered into their heads a teacher is incompetent, the students tend to take this a gospel. I wonder what the students say about me behind locked doors.

Tuesday morning's tension at breakfast is frightening. The teachers are very quiet, and there is little discussion during our meal, because we are all afraid to say anything Dolores might over hear. I could swear that she owns an Invisibility Cloak and a Time Turner. How is she able to be all over the school at the same time? I know she was attending Sibyll's class multiple times per day; however, there is no way she could attend her own classes at the same time. Is there a chance she was in my office when I talked to Ursula? There are security charms to detect this subterfuge, but Dolores has resources to counteract my efforts.

During this morning's classes with the Slytherin third years, Dolores has decided to pay me one of her visits. I am not sure if I want to continue with my normal plans or conduct a "dog and pony show" to please her. My original plan is to have the students put on a bit of a Muggle fashion show from extra clothing my parents have been sending from second hand shops in London. I am having the students grade their peers on correctness and originality.

Despite my worries, I am having fun with this one. Some of the outfits are completely outrageous. Ursula seems to have put more effort into her assignment than her classmates. She is wearing a cocktail dress and a pair of trainers. As I wrap up the lesson, Dolores walks out of the classroom without saying a word. Normally, I would find this amusing, but now I find it unnerving. I need the normal nasty comment to see where she stands that day. Is she a little slow on the uptake this morning or just suffering from a bad case of PMS?

During lunch, Minerva attempts to start a conversation; however, I give her the cold shoulder, because she has violated my trust on so many levels. Not only did she conspire to help Dumbledore hide the truth from me, but she treats me like a child. I am not sure what I would do if Dumbledore were to call me into his office to speak to me. As I digest my feelings towards the situation, I realize Rupert is thrown into the mix. Should I sack him for what he has done to me? He is my lawyer and not my nanny. I really have to figure this situation out by confronting him during his normal Saturday visit.

After lunch, I notice Severus has been making himself scarce. I know he is kissing Dolores's arse, but I wonder if this is just one of his "playing one side against the other" moments. He used to cause chaos when he was a student here with this little game of his. I cannot believe Dumbledore trusts him more than me. He told Snape, a two-faced traitor and a gutter-dwelling bastard, about where my papers are hidden, and what has happened to them now. I am the one who took the initiative and risk when I ordered that audit, not Snape; it's just not fair. Why does everyone say keeping me in the dark is "for my own good?" What is so damn important about a few receipts that could warrant being treated like an infant? I would be the last person that would compromise my own investigation. I just want to stand in the middle of the Great Hall and scream, "I am not some weak-minded head case who needs someone else to decide what is 'for my own good'!"

I am really angry this Wednesday morning, because Dolores has called a meeting at 6:30. All this drama surrounding my situation is wearing thin with me. I am tired of my treatment by Minerva, Dumbledore, and Rupert; Severus is not helping my attitude towards the school with his nasty gibes at my mental health.

I can hear voices as I approach the door to the Staff Room. I notice my name is mentioned several times, and I decide that a little eaves-dropping might fill in the blanks. I can distinctly hear the indifferent tone of Severus and the concerned voice of Minerva.

"Severus, are you sure no one saw you retrieving the papers from behind that painting?" Minerva inquires. "I have noticed that Dolores seems to be fawning all over you when ever she can."

"I made sure no one was around at the time. Filch was cleaning up after one of Peeves' stupid pranks, and Dolores was occupied by giving a student detention," he says haughtily. "I can tell you Eleanor is taking exception to Dumbledore's wish to withhold that evidence from her. She has no idea about what kind of trouble she has stirred up with this."

"The Headmaster is concerned Nell will have some sort of break with reality before the end of the term. Filius said she has been walking about the school looking as if she were lost," Minerva says with note of worry in her voice. "I hope she will not do anything rash like hurting herself again."

"Even without this current situation, Eleanor would find some sort of drama in her life to occupy her time. You might want to tell Poppy to hide her medication again, because she might decide to poison herself one day," Severus drawls; his foot steps seem to be coming closer towards the door, but he moves to another part of the room away from my hiding place. "She is such a drama queen, and I cannot figure out why everyone is wasting their time dealing with her. She is faking seizures for more attention."

"I can assure you they are real," Minerva says indignantly. "This has nothing to do with her having another breakdown."

"Didn't you hear that Dumbledore wrote to her parents last week about the possibility of having her committed until this whole situation blows over? However, her parents are vehemently opposed to the idea; they seem to mistakenly believe she will come out of it on her own. One day she will just snap again and hurt herself or someone else. I think she is a danger to Ursula Stanhope." I am absolutely furious while listening to this exchange. I see how deep their betrayal has run as Severus talks about my commitment.

"I forbid you to make light of her mental and physical status in front of her," Minerva orders angrily. "I think Albus is doing the best thing keeping Nell in the dark to prevent her from doing something that will see her in Azkaban or killed. She is so frail right now. I don't want to lose her because of some heart attack brought on by all this stress. She needs to enjoy what little time is left to her."

"You and Dumbledore coddle her too much. How much of her erratic behavior is a ploy for pity from the pair of you? Face it. She uses her issues to manipulate people," Severus says spitefully. "Why doesn't the Headmaster just send her home to stay with her parents and have that substitute teacher deal with her classes. It's not like Muggle Studies is essential for anything when students leave the school."

Minerva inquires, "If we send her away, who will protect her? Nell is not aware of what she has done by conducting that audit. She does not know that Fudge..."

Pomona walks up from behind, causing me to jump involuntarily. She bids me good morning and the conversation in the Staff Room comes to a quick end. I walk into the room acting innocent and oblivious to the situation. I hope my coldness in manner does not give the impression I know what they said about me. I wonder if Ursula's father has been told about my supposed downward spiral of mental health.

Dolores shows up to begin the meeting. The content is so pointless, and I cannot follow the thread of the conversation, because I am too preoccupied with what to do about the handling of the situation. I think a direct confrontation would be a bad idea. I would look completely delusional, and I might find myself hauled away with straight jacket hex.

Dolores does not like missing her meals, and she ends the meeting so she can stuff her face this morning. I follow in everyone's wake to see if I can over hear anything; however, the others only talk about our new Divination teacher.

I have managed to make it through the day and all I want to do is go to my quarters. I want to sleep and attempt the process of "tending to my wounds." I can hear someone shouting my name. I realize that it is Rupert.

"Nell, wait up," he says, panting from his effort to catch up with me.

"What are you doing here?" I inquire angrily. "It's only Wednesday." I stop in my tracks, turning to face him.

"I came here just to see you. McGonagall sent an owl to me this morning, because she is concerned about how depressed you seem to be since Monday," he says in a rush of words, walking around me to block an escape. "I need to clear up any misunderstandings from our meeting with Dumbledore. I want to discuss why I was there. I hope to do this rationally now that you have had a chance to calm down."

I walk into an empty classroom and prepare to let him have it. I know that I cannot act like an infant and throw a tantrum.

"I should sack you for interfering with my life; however, I am stuck with you, because I would hate to disappoint my father. Did you go running to him before our meeting?"

"Nell, I didn't mean to hurt you, but I am just keeping you away from harm." He looks at me, waiting for a verbal assault to come; however, I am not going to vent, because I don't want anyone thinking I have lost my mind.

"I have news for the lot of you; I don't want your coddling, pity, or help. I started this fiasco, and I want to finish this on my own," I tell him acidly, wanting to strike out in some way at him.

Rupert reaches out to grab my hand, but I recoil from his grip. "Nell, you don't understand what has been dredged up by your investigation. There are wheels in motion that you cannot stop. You are in danger; the attack in your quarters is a sign that the situation is heating up."

"What are you talking about when you say, 'there are wheels in motion'?" I inquire. I can feel my level of anxiety building as my heart beats harder and my mouth runs dry. I instinctively look around the room to see if anyone is listening in.

"I cannot tell you that," he says with an expression of guilt. "It's ..."

I finish his sentence in unison with him sarcastically. "For my own good." I glare at him, crossing my arms in a defensive motion. "What does everyone mean when they tell me, 'it's for my own good'?"

"Just trust us to take care of you," Rupert says, looking nervous and waiting for some sarcastic comment to fly out of my mouth. "I know how confused and angry you must feel, but this situation is completely out of my control."

As my anger builds, I comment without thinking, "I know that Dumbledore contacted my parents to have me committed." Rupert's jaw drops in shock. "I refuse to be manipulated like this. I will not remain here as a pet project in Dumbledore's crusade of saving 'the lost sheep' of the Wizarding World." I almost regret saying this when the last word escapes my mouth, but I know there are some that have wanted to openly say it; however, they were afraid it was blasphemy to say anything against him. "From now on, let's just stick with my legal affairs and stop conspiring with Dumbledore and Minerva to ruin my life," I growl, turning on my heel, and walk out of the door.

"Nell, stop and just listen to me for a second," Rupert calls into the hallway from the classroom; he sprints up to where I am standing and glances around him, checking that there is no one to over hear. He faces me, takes my hands, and in a low voice he apologetically says, "Look, I am sorry about this. You have to understand the shock of finding two people breaking into my office and assaulting me when I did not give them what they were looking for. I was frantic as I realized they were coming for you." His voice is shaky, and he is near tears; however, this does little to soften my seething anger hiding just below the surface, but I don't want to let go of his hands for some bizarre reason. "I...We could not bear to see anything happen to you," he stammers, looking at the floor. "I think I have said too much" He gives my hands a final squeeze and walks away without looking back.

This day is the lowest of the low in my life. My only safe harbor seems to be my own quarters where I can cry away from everyone else. I can feel the tears flow as I go and unlock the door; however, my worst nightmare has been realized. Dolores is standing by my couch, and from the look of things, there is a silencing charm on Daisy.

I walk over to Daisy's play area blocked off by a Muggle baby barrier to reverse the charm and shout, "What the hell have you done to my dog!"

A bright flash of light misses my nose by less than an inch; the spell hits the fireplace with a crack. Dolores seems very pleased with herself as she points her wand at me. "You, filthy, stupid whore, what is his name? I'll bet you have been sneaking off somewhere to satisfy your needs." I instinctively back away from her in total confusion as she continues with, "Is it that Rupert of yours? I wondered about those Saturday visits; you were settling more than your legal affairs in your office. I hope it was worth it."

"I don't understand ..." I stammer, attempting to pull my wand out of my sleeve, but I am shaking too much to retrieve it. I hear a slight thud as my head hits the wall behind me; I can see silver stars glinting for a moment, clouding my vision. "I didn't..."

"If I get a chance to sack you, I know you will head to Knockturn Alley before long to sell yourself on the streets." Dolores has her wand pushed into my chest; it feels like she is burning a hole into my skin. "You cannot lie to me, Eleanor!" The pain is spreading to my shoulder as she presses harder. "Why was Rupert here today? I saw you two when I came down the hallway, coming out of that classroom. He was holding your hands."

"Dolores ...can't breathe." I gasp, unable to fight back or give her an answer. Suddenly, she releases the pressure on my chest and I wheeze loudly. There is a sickening sensation of nausea taking over taking me.

"He's been slipping you little love poems on the side, hasn't he? You thought he could smuggle this in without me intercepting it." She pulls out the Edgar Allen Poe poetry book. I can see bits of mismatched parchment poking out of the cover. "This is just plain pornography." She pulls one of the pages from the cover of the book and reads:

I watched thee in the breakers when the rock
Received our prow and all was storm and fear
And bade thee cling to me through every shock
This arm would be thy bark or breast thy bier.

"Dolores, I collect poetry from old books and write them on a sheet of paper," I lie quickly, hoping she would be satisfied with that explanation.

"You liar!" Dolores screeches. "This is not your handwriting!" She pushes her wand into my chest again, but this time, the pain has migrated to my head. "How dare you allow someone to send this filth to the school!"

The pain is so strong, and I can barely think to articulate an answer. "It wasn't Rupert," I whisper, wishing I could lie down.

"No more lies! Who have you been having this torrid affair with?" I have a sense that Dolores does not understand how strong of a curse she is holding on me. It's going dark in my vision as I attempt to mumble out an answer, but I just can't. I can feel the burn of the carpet as I hit the floor.

"Stand up!" she shrieks. "I will have order in this school! Do all of you think I don't know the dirty little secrets each of you is hiding? I have disposed of that half-wit Trelawney, and you don't want to be next. Eleanor, I said stand up!" I hear some incantation, and I feel the pull on my mind, bringing back conscious thought; however, it only lasts for a second as I am swallowed by darkness and pain. I can feel my heart pounding extremely fast as she attempts to pull me back from the abyss once more, but her efforts are failing. I faintly hear, "Stand up!" But, her words just fade away.

Waking up comes in with a rush of colors and sensations. My chest feels like Ozzie has kicked me over and over. I look around for Dolores, but I can no longer smell her rancid perfume. As I attempt to process what has happened, I still hear her screaming for me to name my imaginary lover and to stand up after she cursed me. The next thought that slaps me in the face is what happened to Daisy, but her whining and barking tells me that she is safe.

Something is horribly wrong; however, this cannot be due to a seizure. I know that I need help, but I cannot sit up on my own. The large dining room table is only inches from my head; all I need is to pull myself up, so I can find a way to seek help. My effort is wasted as the table cloth slips sideways, and a bottle of medication falls near my head, smashing into the floor with a sickening crack. I just need to rest for a few minutes to regain the courage before trying it again.

"Rupert, why did you leave her alone?" Minerva inquires from the other side of the door. "I sent an owl to you this morning about how worried I was about her."

"When I left, she seemed fine," Rupert says, knocking on the door. "Nell, it's Rupert. I need to talk to you. Open the door, please."

"More drama from Eleanor, I take it?" Dolores asks sarcastically. "What trouble is she causing today?"

I hear the click of the door knob and the door swings open with a long, moaning creak. "That's odd, it is already open," Minerva says, walking into the parlor, greeted by Daisy behind her barrier. "Daisy is still here."

I want desperately to open my eyes again, but they seem to be glued shut. My need to scream for help is over ridden by the pain in my chest and back.

"Nell?" Minerva inquires in shock, shaking me gently by the shoulder. I hear the crunching of glass underneath a foot. "Rupert, is that a bottle of her medication on the floor?"

Someone gently grabs my wrist saying, "She's still alive, but just barely."

"Nell, why did you do this?" Minerva asks in disbelief. "We tried to keep you away from harm."

"It's my entirely my fault; I should have listened to both of you on Monday. All I needed to do is petition the court and have her committed, because she was a danger to herself," Rupert says remorsefully. I can feel someone holding my hand and stroking my forehead. "I'm sorry, I didn't think you would try this a third time." To my horror, his words let me know what is happening. They think I have attempted to take my own life.

"I warned you this would happen someday," Dolores triumphantly states. "I saw Eleanor with a man, coming out of an empty classroom this afternoon. They were quarreling about something before he left. Who knows what they were doing alone in that room. She has disgraced the name of the school by not being able to control herself around men and then she decides to kill herself."

I had no idea Severus is in the room until he inquires, "Eleanor, what have you done this time?" He suddenly barks out, "Osgood, make your self useful and inform Poppy and the Headmaster we need assistance."

"Nell, please stay with us," Minerva begs.

I am relieved as Severus carefully picks me up off of the ground, moving my body the short distance to the comfort of my bed with a down duvet, warm sheets, and a soft mattress. They are a welcome change from the floor pressing against my back, but I cannot force myself to keep up with the activity in the room as a fresh burst of pain erupts across my chest and back.

"Eleanor?" Severus inquires loudly. His voice disappears in a tidal wave of silence.

Sounds are trickling into my awareness as there are voices in deep discussion around me. I want to open my eyes, but they seem to be sealed shut. I am happy for the mercy of still lying in my own bed.

"Child, why have you done this to yourself?" Dumbledore sorrowfully inquires. "Where is her suicide letter?"

"There wasn't a note," Minerva replies tearfully. "We searched everywhere, but we couldn't find one." I can feel a gentle hand stroking my forehead. "All we found was a smashed potion bottle."

"With her previous two attempts, there was always a letter." Dumbledore seems confused about the lack of a letter explaining what drove me to attempt taking my own life.

Something is disturbing the positions of the people in the room, causing a sense of discomfort.

"Nell, what have you done?" There is a distinct note of disbelief in Poppy's voice. I can sense her bustling about, checking my vital signs while the room develops a chilly silence. "What did she use this time?"

I hear Rupert tearfully confess, "It's entirely my fault, Poppy. I shouldn't have left her alone, but I thought she seemed fine this afternoon." Rupert is losing control of his emotions as he sobs loudly. "When I came in, she was lying next to a smashed potion bottle from her medication. I am so sorry; I will never forgive myself for not listening."

"I need to contact her family to be with her and make any arrangements. Step outside with me, Rupert," Dumbledore requests gently. "I think it's best if you assist me with notifying her family. Maybe a glass of brandy might help to calm you down." I can hear both sets footsteps retreating from the room as Rupert continues to sob.

"Nell!" Poppy calls my name as I find the strength to open my eyes. "Can you tell me what happened?" She shines a bright light into my eyes. "Nell, tell me what happened!" she orders loudly.

Before she can get a response, Dolores cuts in with, "It had to be that argument with the jealous lover, angry that she is seeing other people. Eleanor has problems with self control when it comes to men." Dolores' attempts to inject her own facts are being ignored. "I told you she was in a classroom with some boyfriend. I could hear them quarreling." I can hear that simper in her voice that makes me want to wince. "You did this to get back at your lover, didn't you?"

Minerva responds with, "What has you so fixated on her love life. Is there something you want to tell us about the reason for this fascination, Dolores? Just leave her alone; you are being quite inappropriate. "

"Well, I will be in my office filling out the proper forms for removal of her body," Dolores snaps. "It is poor for morale to see a body being removed from here, In case she lives, you will draw up the paperwork to have her committed for her own safety." I can hear her footsteps as she leaves the room, and I hear her mumble, "Whore."

I am a little tired of Dolores' insulting behavior, so I manage to force out, "Didn't." They should understand that I didn't attempt to kill myself nor did this because of an out of control need for sex.

Minerva inquires, "Nell, didn't what?" I can feel her hand touching my cheek. "You didn't what?"

"Didn't," I choke out again; my strength is failing and my eyes shut.

I can hear a voice call my name, but I cannot respond. I surrender to a wave of darkness around me.