Rumored Nervous Breakdown

Dolores's latest sanctions have not set well with the staff, and I am worried about the psychological impact on all of us. We are on alert most of the day and cannot find a way to relax. The support of being able to talk to another adult in a simple conversation has been impossible. Not only has she banned students from meeting in groups of more than three, the teachers cannot meet without Dolores being in the same room. The Staff Room feels like the morgue at St. Mungo's.

Dolores has called one of her "early morning" meetings to give her normal, "You-Know-Who is really You-Don't-Need-to-Know" discussions. Minerva, Sprout, Flitwick, and the rest of the teachers are sitting in this stuffy room waiting to be put out of our collective misery.

"When is Dolores planning on getting here?" Minerva asks with an exaggerated sigh, folding her arms across her chest. She sits down in one of the mismatched leather chairs releasing a small cloud of dust.

Sybil is pacing back and forth mumbling incoherently to herself and jumping at the smallest sound. "The Fates have informed me of the horrible strife that will come upon us," she says in a misty voice, and sniffles into a handkerchief.

"Gee, Sybil, you are right on that one."

Severus looks straight at me from his usual chair and asks, "Planning on staying conscious for this meeting, Eleanor?"

"Severus, you seem to be awful cheery this morning. Did you poison a first year today?" I inquire, giving him a nasty stare.

"Eleanor, I reserve that pleasure for every other Monday," he says with an unreadable expression. He quickly changes the topic by saying,, "I hear from Dolores, you have been picking on a select group of students from my House."

"Sorry, I will refrain from embarrassing the inductees to the 'Future Death Eaters of Britain Society,'" I reply sarcastically.

"I dare him to say another word."

Severus opens his mouth to continue our hostility; however, he is cut short by the creak of the door.

Dolores walks in the Staff Room and inquires, "Hem, hem. I trust your conversations are appropriate?"

"No, Dolores!" I announce loudly. "We were just starting a rousing game of 'Snakes and Ladders' when you arrived. Would you like to join in?"

Every teacher in this room is trying to contain the laughter that is trying to boil to the surface. Severus has the beginnings of a smirk on his face, I bite my lower lip, and Minerva turns a giggle into a horrible fit of coughing.

Dolores is giving another one of her "Stopping Progress" speeches. She fails to realize that behind her Rolanda Hooch is silently moving her mouth along with the dialogue; the performance is complete with exaggerated hand gestures.

I am getting bored with this routine. I take a scrap of paper to draw cartoons of Dolores. I decide to enchant them to move around the page. My best one of the day is Dolores as a toad, snatching flies with a long tongue, and sitting on a toilet.

Pomona Sprout has been sitting with me the entire time catches a glimpse of my drawings. She begins smile and hits me hard in the arm. She giggles quietly and whispers, "Will you knock that off."

"Not now Pomona," I whisper back. "I am self stimulating."

I look across the room, and I see Filius Flitwick pulling out a piece of string tied in an oval shape. He begins playing Cat's Cradle with Poppy Pomfrey. If I were not so engrossed into lampooning Dolores, I would love to join them.

Severus is finding the need to pick invisible lint from his robes. He reminds me of a television program my parents made me watch showing chimps, and their grooming behavior.

Wilhelmina is finding the sudden need to take out a nail file, and work on her nails. Sitting next to her is Sinastra; she has become distracted by a fly buzzing around the room. I keep expecting her to get out her wand, and take potshots at the bug.

"We are getting worse than the kids."

Dolores changes the subject and announces, "All mail and correspondence must be inspected personally for unpleasant content."

"Does she expect us to put 'Death Eaters Unite' flyers in our mail?"

"This is an outrage!" Minerva yells across the room. "I am going to the Headmaster on this one!"

"As the Hogwarts High Inquisitor, I have the authority to maintain certain standards in this school," Dolores informs Minerva with a sickly smirk.

"So, I take it you will be checking packages with medical supplies also?" Poppy asks, impatiently tapping her foot on the floor. I have a feeling that she is doing this to avoid kicking Dolores up the backside.

"Well, I need to cancel my membership to the 'Voldemort Pen-Friend Exchange'," I interject without thought. The comment slips out of my mouth, and I wonder if this is one step too far.

"Meeting adjourned!" Dolores suddenly barks, ending the meeting by stomping quickly out the door.

Severus gets out of his chair, walks over to the fireplace, and picks up a handful of Floo Powder.

"Severus, what are you doing?" I inquire. I know he is up to something.

"I am contacting St. Mungo's to reserve a bed in the psychiatric ward for you. It has become obvious you are having some sort of breakdown," he snarls. I know this is not some sort of a show to humiliate me. He is low enough to carry this one out.

"Severus can't you see she has some sort of personality disorder? You might want to have Dolores committed with me," I say, finally speaking my mind. "She is dangerous. You should hear some of the complaints about her when I was the head of Internal Affairs. Dolores arrested people for writing unfavorable opinions in the Prophet. I handled several complaints myself but the files disappeared."

"Eleanor, you are obviously putting yourself in a position to get hurt. Are you suicidal again? What will you use this time? Poison? Razor? Should we keep watch over the Astronomy Tower? I know your attempt to overdose on your medication twice did not work," Severus discusses in a mocking tone, looking amused by my reaction to this commentary.

"I may be suicidal, but I am not the one that tried to murder his classmate!" I scream with pent up anger. I am enjoying the look of horror on his face. "You didn't think I know about it?"

"Eleanor, you are ranting. I do not understand what you are talking about," he lies, looking me straight in the eye.

"You are kidding! I heard you talking to Regulus Black," I scream. I move to a position that is less than one foot from his face, poking a finger towards his chest as I vent. "WHAT-DID-I-EVER-DO-TO-YOU? Tell me! What did I ever do to you?" Tears are forming in my eyes as I continue with, "How did you do it, Severus? Did you have Regulus poison my food, pumpkin juice, or my toothpaste?"

"Eleanor if you keep this up, I will be forced to recommend that you be sent to St. Mungo's for your own safety," he threatens, turning his back to me.

"Don't you dare turn your back on me!" I shout at him. "Was I a warm-up exercise for your exploits as a Death Eater or the victim of a prank gone wrong?"

Severus turns on his heel to face me. "Eleanor, you were obviously having problems with your memory after your seizure in Potions. You were in a coma for two weeks," he says in a calm voice.

I now have hot tears of anger to fall onto my face. "Do you know what it was like? Do you know what it feels like to have the air sucked out of your lungs, the pain of resisting the convulsing of your limbs, or the horrible realization you were going to die? I know you enjoyed the detailed description of my convulsions on the floor of the Potion's Classroom!" I scream. Severus's expression changes to a look of surprise as I continue with, "That little prank damaged my heart permanently! Are you happy? I am left with the shadow of potential sudden death hanging over my head."

"Eleanor, you should watch bringing up false accusations," Severus warns with a note of fear. He seems to be off footed.

"Shut it, Severus! Don't make me..." I try to retort.

"Nell! Severus! Stop acting like children, and sit down this instant!" Minerva orders, jumping to her feet and stepping between Severus and I.

There is a ringing silence as we sit down, and all the teachers seem to be looking for escape routes if a duel should start. There is something in my right hand, and I realize there is a white-knuckle grip on my wand.

When I catch my breath, I notice Dolores standing in a corner of the room with a sticky smile obviously enjoying the drama unfold.

The mental scar of that day in Potions has been ripped violently open, and the memories come flooding back.

I am walking down to breakfast to catch up with my best friend, Agatha. She is standing next to the portrait of the "Master of the Hounds" waiting impatiently.

"Nell, you're not a 'morning person' are you?" Aggie asks, trying not to laugh. "This is your fifth year, but you still get up late."

"Come on, let's eat before breakfast gets cold, my warming charms are not the best," I say, and pull out my wand pretending to cast the charm.

Remus begins to walk past us, inquiring, "Oi, Nell, did you finish your Transfiguration essay?"

"Of course, you won't leave me alone if I don't!" I yell to him.

"What is with you and Lupin? Why don't you two go with each other?" Aggie inquires, standing in front of me with a smile.

"Lupin? Aggie, why would I want to go out with him? He definitely is not my type," I tell her, because I have no idea where this was coming from.

"She is kidding! The only time we spend together is in the Hospital Wing. What a way to start a romance."

Aggie and I have managed to make it out of the Great Hall after breakfast without discussing my "so-called" romance with Remus Lupin; however, she switches the topic to teasing me about a boy in her house who sits behind me in Charms.

As we leave for class, we pass several Slytherin students who laugh quietly and point. I'm sure this concerns payback from a leg locker hex I placed on one of their Housemates the day before. They seem to be paying more attention to me today, but I don't see them pulling a stunt during class.

We get to Potions at the ringing of the bell and take our assigned seats next to the caldrons. Aggie and I became friends after she blew a hole in the ceiling of the Potions Classroom. When she mixed dragon's blood with murtlap, the mixture ignited, and we had to relocate class in another part of the dungeon. When moved to our regular classroom, she ended up sitting with me. I was the only one brave enough to risk it.

Professor Slughorn sets the morning's potion assignment up on the chalkboard, and Aggie retrieves our supplies for a hair color change potion.

I keep hearing sniggering coming from the Slytherin side of the classroom. This leads me to believe they are up to something, so I keep a sharp eye on my cauldron. The titter of laughter is growing with fingers pointing to my side of the room.

"Why am I so hot all of a sudden?" A trickle of sweat runs down my face.

"Nell, are you all right?" Aggie asks. Her face seems to be changing shape every second.

"Howard! Prewett! Keep on task!" our irritated professor orders.

More students on the Slytherin side are laughing; they seem to be watching for something to happen.

I am starting to see halos around everything as the room seems to spin around me. I am forced to grab on Aggie's shoulder to hold myself up, because my legs feel like they are filled with jelly.

"Aggie, I need to get out of here. Something is not right," I moan, my voice sounding like it is coming through a tunnel.

"Miss Howard, you need to pay attention to the assignment and not your social life," Professor Slughorn calls to me from the other side of the room. "You only have fifteen minutes to complete your assignment."

"Professor, may I step outside for a moment?" I beg. He looks confused by my behavior, oblivious to the urgency for me to get out of here. I realize that others seem to be enjoying my desperate pleas and laugh at my attempts at staying upright.

"No, please not in front of a class. I will never live this one down."

Silver sparks are popping in my vision as my heart races out of control. As I crash into the floor, I can hear my caldron over turn and hot potion is running across my fingers. There are violent shivers coursing through my body and horror when I lose control of my bladder.

"Howard, what do you think you are doing?" Slughorn inquires loudly towards the back of the classroom.

The laughter from the classroom dies, but I am catching snatches of conversation around me.

I hear Aggie yell, "Professor!"

"Nell, it's okay I'm here," Aggie croons, holding my head off the hard ground and stroking my forehead softly. I feel my body convulsing, and I taste blood in my mouth.

"She's turning blue, Professor," a voice says, sounding very frightened.

"How long has she been like this Professor Slughorn?" asks someone in a voice that sounds like Professor McGonagall's. The owner of the voice is very angry with what is happening.

"For five minutes, I thought it would stop like usual," Slughorn replies in remorse.

The familiar background feeling of a heartbeat is missing and breathing does not seem important.

"I don't want my life to end. This is not supposed to happen at fifteen.

There is incredible amount of pressure coming in cycles across my chest. My lungs are filling with air, but I am not the one causing me to breathe. A person standing over me sounds pleased when I take a breath on my own.

"That's a good girl, take another," a voice says, stroking my forehead.

My body is being moved, but I don't want to go with the person holding me. I give a futile effort to be left alone. I lose the battle, and I am drowning in the darkness.

Although my sense of touch has disappeared, I assume that I must be in the Hospital Wing. "Poppy, how is she?" I hear a Dumbledore ask.

"I don't know. Horace may have waited too long," she replies tensely. "By time I got down there, she had already stopped breathing, and Minerva was attempting to revive her."

"I know you had someone from St. Mungo's check in on her. I wish there was something we could do for her," Dumbledore says in a concerned voice, stroking my hair gently.

"Moving her too much might set off another round of seizures, and the specialist feels the lack of oxygen may have severely damaged her brain and heart. She says Nell may only have a few hours, or at the most, a day or two left. The only thing we can do now is to make her as comfortable as possible."

Dumbledore replies with, "I feel fortunate she is still with us."

Madam Pomfrey seems to have something else worrying her. She tells Dumbledore, "Nell's classmates are worried about her and have been asking to see her. What are you going to tell them and her family?"

Dumbledore's voice sounds disheartened as he says, "Nell's parents are on the way to be with her. Since she may not recover, I am going to help plan the necessary arrangements. I will hold an assembly in the Great Hall to inform the students what is going on. I don't want any wild rumors going about the school."

"Am I so close to death that my parents are already planning my funeral?"

Awareness of the world around me is coming in fits and spurts. It feels like I am standing outside of my body listening as the drama unfolds.

I hear Dumbledore's voice greet my parents with, "Mr. and Mrs. Howard, I wish we could meet during better circumstances."

Madam Pomfrey tells my parents, "We have moved her into here."

I know the name of the thing called "Here." Here is the room used when someone at the school is dying. This keeps the event private and dignified. The bed in this room is different from the other beds in the Hospital Wing. The four-poster bed is equipped with a feather mattress, the blankets have a special warming charm, and the linens are very soft. The area is located next to Madam Pomfrey's office to provide quick access to the patient lying there or gives ease to the removal of the "patient" to a more appropriate setting.

I hear Madam Pomfrey's voice again. "Eleanor is in a coma, but she may be able to hear you speak to her."

I hear Dumbledore say, "If you need anything, please let me know. I will be able to see you in my office when you are ready."

"I wish there was a way to let them know I hear their voices."

Keeping awareness is very difficult. I soon give into my body's wish to stop and rest.

I hear the familiar voice of Professor McGonagall say, "I am Nell's Head of House, Minerva McGonagall and the Deputy Head Mistress of the school. I am so sorry about what has happened. She is a lovely girl and an excellent student. If you need anything, just let me know."

The entire Hospital Wing is very quiet due to a sound dampening charm. Mum and Dad puncture the silence by reading to me in shifts. Every so often, Madam Pomfrey takes my vital signs then leaves the room without saying a word.

Several of the teachers come to give my parents support in the face of tragedy. This feels like attending your own funeral while you are still alive.

Although the stream of visitors is held to a minimum, the disturbances in the room are wearing on me.

To my surprise, I hear Professor Slughorn say, "I am sorry to hear of your daughter's illness. She collapsed in my classroom, and I am so concerned about her well being." His voice is filled with genuine sorrow. I swear he is crying, because I can hear him sniffling.

"Stupid git, you are the reason they are planning my funeral."

Even as I am swimming in the dark abyss, I can still understand emotion through the sound of a person's voice. There is a whine of panic around me. I realize something is going on with me.

I hear a frightened voice yell, "Someone! She's seizing again!"

From the discussion between the adults in the room, I find that my last seizure occurred several days before. My parents have not left my side, and they have been with me in shifts. Madam Pomfrey has tried sending Mum out to get some much-needed rest; however, she does not want to go willingly, so Madam Pomfrey has slipped a sleeping potion in her tea, forcing her to fall asleep. Dad took the moment to put her to bed and takes an opportunity for a nap after Madam Pomfrey threatens to do the same thing to him.

"You idiot, Black, I told you not to get this on yourself." There is a voice coming from somewhere outside my room.

"Severus? What is he doing here?"

"It only took three days for you to sneak in here. What took you so long?" Regulus Black asks.

"The wake for that stupid mudblood made it impossible for me to get up here. Pomfrey is yelling at anyone that goes near the door," Severus says with irritation.

"You should have been there, Nelly was on the floor wetting herself," Regulus says with amusement.

"I hate it when they call me, 'Nelly'"

"Tell me everything that happened. Don't leave out any of the details," Severus pleads.

"Well, I put in three drops and waited in the Great Hall to see what would happened," Regulus says with excitement.

"You got the dose right, but you should have used some other way to ingest it. You picked something that caused a delayed effect. Nelly's fit was supposed to happen in there and not class," Severus reminds his friend. I now here the scratching of a quill, and I assume it was Severus taking notes. I hear a change in the pitch of his voice as he asks, "Are you sure Nelly is asleep?"

"Yeah, Pomfrey said she was in a coma. I don't think she will be listening to anything for a while," Regulus says laughing.

"I would love to have a wand."

"It would be so easy to smother her, but it is more interesting for her parents to watch her die," Regulus jokingly tells his friend.

"Details, Regulus, I want to hear everything remember?"

"Well, we were ten minutes into Potions, and she asked to leave the room," he recalls. Regulus stops his story asking, "Severus, why do you have to keep notes about your experiments and spells in your books? Are you planning to write a textbook? You can call it, '101 Ways to Murder a Mudblood.'"

"Stop wasting time. I want to know what she did." Severus says impatiently.

"She began to make this funny wheeze and started to have one of her fits. A couple of minutes into it, she wet herself. Nelly's performance lasted longer than we thought it would. Unfortunately for us, Pomfrey threw the class out; however, she forgot to shut the door. I heard Slughorn say that Nelly stopped breathing, and she didn't have a pulse. He was in trouble for not getting Pomfrey; the delay may have killed that waste of flesh," Regulus says. He sounds like an announcer giving the commentary at a Quidditch game.

"Well, this isn't something I expected," Severus says with shock. He seems interested in this and continues to press Regulus for details.

"I was disappointed when Pomfrey revived her. It would have served that Mudblood right. This school needs to get rid of her type," Regulus says with a happy tone, waiting for Severus's complement.

"I need to know what effect this is having on Nelly; it will help me to adjust a dose on someone else. I am calling this potion, 'Crucio in a Cup,'" Severus says with pride.

Regulus tells him, "When I got up here after spilling that potion on my hand, the specialist from St. Mungo's was up here. I heard her tell Pomfrey that there was a good chance Nelly could snuff it at any moment."

Severus's voice has a hint of triumph when he asks, "What did the Healer say what would happen if she did wake up?"

Regulus is giddy with his success while saying, "Nelly will probably be so brain damaged that she may be unable to speak, walk, and will need to wear a nappy for the rest of her life. To add another problem, her heart is so damaged it could just stop beating at any second."

"After the Healer left, she had another fit, and Pomfrey had to revive her again. Her parents were yelling at her to not die on them," Black says.

"Regulus, what I wouldn't give for an invisibility cloak so I can watch them haul away that piece of filth," Severus says with determination.

Regulus is enthralled with the recent events of my death. "Dumbledore was up here sitting with her parents, and Madam Pomfrey when her fit started. Because of this my friend, they have decided to make funeral arrangements. Mr. and Mrs. Howard have planned the color of the casket, the headstone, and even the flowers," says Regulus happily.

"Regulus, should we send roses or carnations? I wonder if we may attend the service," Severus asks with a chuckle.

"You should try coming up here in the morning. There is some stuff shirt from the Ministry arriving with some papers for her parents to sign. There are some stupid procedures for mudbloods to be released for burial," Regulus says with amusement.

I have been unable to share this with anyone, because they say that I was hallucinating during my coma. It hurts to be the only one that knows about this cruel incident that threatens to end my life without notice. There is more than a schoolyard grudge between Severus Snape and Eleanor Howard.