La Vie en Rose

It was dark.

It was cold.

She was alone.

In the water.

Living her memories again, the happy ones and the painful ones.

She was slowly dying.

Both her mind and body were slowly drifting away towards the shores of death. Her mind was so confused, death seemed the only way out, the only way to find some peace at last. She was letting herself go, letting herself die, letting her senses falling asleep, going numb. But her ears were still hearing... and there was... there was this song... a song playing in the distance. She had already heard it. She knew it... but she couldn't remember who sung it. The sound of it was weird, as if it was coming from the bank, but who could be playing on the bank at this time of the night? She felt so strange, like she was living the song, like it was penetrating her whole body, becoming alive in her core; however, it wasn't eerie.

How can you see into my eyes
Like open doors?
Leading you down into my core
Where I've become so numb
Without a soul
My spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home

She was listening... Her body was reacting... her mind was reacting and she did not want it to, she wanted to let go.

Which home? she found herself thinking.

She had no home anymore. She had nothing but a lonely and unhappy apartment in Montmartre. An empty flat. Empty of people, empty of laughter, of joy, of love, of friends... as empty as her heart and soul were.

Was this the life she had chosen to live? It certainly wasn't the life she had wanted for herself when she was a child, or even at Hogwarts, or even five years before... She had decided to end this miserable existence that had become hers, for life was so meaningless now. Or was it? She wasn't sure anymore. She wanted to leave, she wanted to go, to die, but deep inside something was still resisting. And she wanted that something to stop resisting, to let her die in peace. The peace her mind had been unable to find for five years.

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name
And save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I've become

That was right. She was nothing. Nothing but an empty body, an empty shell, and she was tired of that nothingness. All of a sudden, she thought she saw something red right in front of her. She blinked twice, trying to adjust her sight. It was Ron. She tried to talk to him but couldn't. She tried to wave, to attract his attention but it was no use. She tried to catch the back of his trousers, not to bring him down to die with her, but so as to make him bring her back on the bank. Bring her back to life.

Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life

But he disappeared as darkness surrounded her little by little until even the smallest dust of light was swallowed by death. He couldn't save her. No, he could not, no matter how much she knew he wanted to.

Frozen inside
Without your touch,
Without your love
Darling,
Only you are the life among the dead
All this time
I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept the dark
But you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought,
Without a voice,
Without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life

She died. No one saved her this time. No one had saved Eileen. She had to save herself. To overcome what Eileen hadn't been able to overcome. She shouldn't be waiting for anyone to save her. She had to do it herself. She had been hurt, but who hadn't been before? Eileen was dead but it wasn't Hermione's fault. Eileen had decided to end her own life, no one had told her to. Still, the guilt was so strong. But Hermione hadn't even known Eileen had committed suicide. She had done nothing wrong, except for running away... She had only fallen in love with Ron. Who could blame her for that? She had been in love with him for so long... Eileen had been in love with him too... But he had made his choice, five years before. He had wanted Hermione to be with him. He had chosen who he wanted to spend his life with... But Eileen hadn't been strong enough to face this on her own. Nothing would bring her back, ever.

But what if it was too late? What if Hermione had missed her chance? What if Ron was gone for good? What if he was tired of waiting for her, of looking for her?

(Bring me to life)
I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside
(Bring me to life....)

Yes, it was time to end this mascarade, this lie she had been living for five years.

That night, Emily Smith died, but Hermione Granger, much like a phoenix, rose from her ashes. And waved goodbye as Emily Smith's silhouette disappeared in the darkness.

Hermione woke up with a start and a scream, sweating abundantly, her eyes popping open. She was still shaking from the dream she had had, yet, she could feel a certain peace of mind as she was slowly regaining consciousness. She blinked many times to let her eyes adjust to the darkness of the room she was in. Her ragged breathing was the only thing she could hear. She lifted her hand to her face and touched it. She was still alive. She wasn't dead. But she had wanted to die. She had thrown herself in the river. Her dream had somehow showed her what would have happened if Aymeric hadn't saved her.

She shook her head, still breathing hard. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hands and turned her head around, trying to see something. She tried to remember what had happened after she had tried to kill herself, but everything was a blur. But she had asked Aymeric... She had asked him to take her to his flat, but what had happened afterwards was a mystery. She didn't know where she was.

She licked her dry lips and called faintly, "Aymeric?"

No answer.

"Aymeric?" she insisted.

She heard a sleepy and confused "yes?" coming from her right. She heard some fumbling, and then light filled the room and she hid her eyes behind her hand. She felt someone sit next to her on what she had figured out was Aymeric's bed. Aymeric caressed her hair. She slowly lowered her hand and let her eyes adjust to the light. She was indeed in Aymeric's flat, in his bed. In one of his shirts.

"Are you alright?" asked Aymeric in a croaky voice. She had obviously woken him up.

"Yes."

She looked around her. She had never been in Aymeric's flat. The walls were painted in white. Some posters were decorating the walls. One was of the Moulin Rouge, another of the Cathedral of Notre-Dame. A table, two chairs, a bed and a plant were the only pieces of furniture the room held, along with thin red curtains and an old armchair and television.

"I woke up because of a nightmare," she added.

"Can't say I'm surprised."

She licked her lips again and looked away, ashamed. Her attention was focused on the Moulin Rouge poster for a moment before she asked, now looking at the white wall next to her as if it was the most interesting thing in the world, "Were you sleeping?"

"Sort of." She turned her head and looked at him. He got up and walked to the small table. He pulled at the little drawer under it and took out a packet of cigarettes. He lit one and asked, "Want one?"

She shook her head no.

"I had a bad dream, too," he said matter-of-factly.

"Because of me?"

He didn't answer her question, but he snorted and she took the snort for a yes. She took a deep breath and said, "I'm sorry." She was feeling uncomfortable. Aymeric Beaumont was the closest thing to a friend she had in Paris, along with Sophie Delannel, yet he was a complete stranger. She twisted her hands and said, "I didn't know you were smoking."

He laughed a myrthless laugh.

"I used to be huge smoker. I stopped last year but I kept a packet nearby ready for when I'm stressing out."

"You're stressing out? Because of me?"

He shook his head in disbelief.

"Yes, Lily. I don't understand why a beautiful woman like you tried to kill herself..."

"Aymeric..." she tried to interrupt him.

"You tried to kill yourself because of this guy, right? What did he do to you?"

There was violence in his voice. She sighed, slightly annoyed. Yet, how could she be hard on him? After all he had done for her the night before.

"I told you it was complicated."

"Let me tell you that if I ever see him again, I'll kick his ass real bad," he threatened, and she could see in his eyes that he wasn't joking.

She threw the covers away and got up, pointing her finger at him.

"Aymeric! I forbid you to do anything to Ron! Whatever happened between me and Ron five years ago is our business, none of yours!"

It was then she fully realized she was in Aymeric's shirt. Since he was much taller than her, the shirt reached her knees. Silence lasted for a few seconds.

"You undressed me?"she asked all of a sudden, wondering. Her wand. Had he seen it? "Where are my things?"

"In the bathroom, drying." He took a deep breath before adding, quite reproachfully, "You still love him!"

But Hermione was still thinking about her wand.

"You undressed me! Did you... did you look in my pockets?"

He looked at her in disbelief again.

"No! Who do you think I am? I had to undress you," he answered, offended. "You were drenched to the bones! So was I. May I remind you that you threw yourself in the Seine last night? If I hadn't been there you would... you would..." He couldn't say the words. Instead he said, "Really, Lily, you are strange sometimes."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. Forgive me, but please... just... don't think Ron's the bad guy in all this. I was the bitch. I... left him all alone..."

He snorted.

"I find that hard to believe. In my eyes, you wouldn't hurt a fly."

"Don't put me on a pedestal, Aymeric. I'm not who you think I am. You don't know me."

"Tell me then, " he pleaded in a whisper, walking to her, taking her hand in his own, "Tell me who you are, Lily. I want to know. I want to know all about you."

He locked eyes with her. There were tears in his eyes and she felt sorry for him and blamed herself knowing she would hurt him. When he leaned his face to the side and brought his lips close to hers, she only closed her eyes. His lips were soft and she suddenly remembered what it felt like to be kissed. And she enjoyed it. But she soon found herself thinking of Ron, wanting Ron to be kissing her instead of Aymeric. He let go of her and looked at her in the eye. When he leaned in her to kiss her again, she gently put a hand on his bare chest and whispered, "Don't. Please."

He backed away at once as if she had slapped him, and stubbed out his cigarette in an ashtray.

"Forgive me," he said in a hollow and hurt voice.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I truly am. But I can't. I can't kiss you when I'm..." She was silent for a few seconds. "When I'm not in love with you. It wouldn't be fair for either of us."

"Fair?" he spat, spinning around on his heel and facing her again. "Fair? How fair do you think it is for this Ron who hurt you to have your love when all I've ever done to you is love you?"

"I already told you Ron never hurt me! I was the one who made a mess of both our lives! And now I've hurt you too! Don't you understand that you must avoid me like the Black Plague?"

He took her face in both his hands. She could smell the lingering smell of cigarette on him.

"Avoid you? Avoid you, Lily? How could I?"

"You must try..."

"I can't, Lily, I can't! I love you!" he cried.

"Don't!" she screamed back.

He let his hands down and leaned against the wall, crying softly. She took a few steps back and leaned against another wall, crying too. Eventually, she asked in a low voice, "Aymeric? Where is the bathroom? I need to get my things."

He pointed at a door to her right without looking at her. She went to the bathroom and found her things hanging above the bathtub. She took them off the pins; they were still wet. She checked out whether her wand was still in the inside pocket of her coat and sighed in relief. She took it and closed the door. She performed a drying spell on her clothes and coat, then undressed and put her own garments back on. She let Aymeric's shirt on the radiator then exited the bathroom, her wand back in its pocket.

Aymeric had opened the curtains and was looking out the window. He looked tired and ill. She felt ill at ease knowing his heart was full of love for her whereas she was thinking of someone else. He coughed one time. It was still dark outside. Hermione was wondering what the hour could be when music filled the apartment.

"What's that?" she asked, startled until she recognized the song...

I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought,
Without a voice,
Without a soul
Don't let me die here

"That's the alarm-clock." He then turned round and looked at her. She was as white as a ghost.

"What's wrong?"

Her eyes were full of fright, and of revelation.

"Oh my God, oh my God."

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside

She wasn 't moving, she wasn't talking... She had dreamed of the song... Surely it had to mean something... Maybe it was time to believe in signs... To believe that it was written somewhere in the stars that she was meant to be with Ron. Tears started falling down her cheeks as she thought of Ron. She had to find him. Find him soon.

Call my name
And save me from the dark

She went for the door but Aymeric had his hand on her arm. He brought her close to him and hugged her, crying.

"Please, Lily... I'm begging you... Please, let me love you... Let me love you... Perhaps I'll make you forget about this Ron... Perhaps you'll love me in the end. Let me love you, Lily. I'll be the nicest man on earth. I'll never hurt you."

She kissed him on the cheek, then pushed him away gently.

(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I've become

"Aymeric. I know you love me... but I know I won't ever love you the way you love me. My heart belongs to someone else. That is, if he still wants me. And if we can overcome all the obstacles..."

"Lily! Don't go back to him."

"You're not the one who has to save me. Nor is Ron. Your heart is pure and so are your intentions. But the only one capable of saving me is... myself. My old self, the me buried deep inside, behind all my fears and doubts."

"Lily..." his voice fell.

"I'm not Lily, Aymeric. I never was and I never will be," she whispered.

"Your name doesn't matter. I'd love you whatever your name was."

"You have to understand, Aymeric."

She walked to the door but stopped when she heard Aymeric ask her, "What's your name?"

She didn't turn round but smiled slightly when she answered, "Hermione. My name's Hermione."

*****

The sky was white and snowy and it was cold outside. Puddles of water were visible on the ground, silent witnesses of a nightly rain. It was one of those days one could tell it was cold outside without even going out.

Hermione's flat was warm and she put her hands on the radiator when she came in. An old Muggle habit. She had walked from Aymeric's flat to hers, for they were only a few blocks away. She yawned and quickly took off her coat and threw it on the floor. She didn't notice her wand had fallen out of the pocket and had rolled under the fridge, as she was walking towards the opposite side of the flat.

She went to her bedroom and began to undress. She had her back to her bed, and was in her bra and trousers when she saw a man's drenched black coat on the chair in front of her. She turned round and was startled to see a man sprawled on her bed. She was about to reach for something to crash on the intruder's head when she saw the red hair. She walked to the bed and sat on it, next to Ron's body. He was sleeping peacefully, as if he hadn't slept for years. His face was half-buried in the pillow and he was clutching one of her jumpers in his hands. She could not help but smile. She slowly caressed his hair, brushing away the thin strands of red hair that had fallen on his forehead. He looked so young, and still had some of the boyish features she so loved at Hogwarts, yet she could see he had aged.

She wondered how he had known where she was living before deciding she didn't care after all. She had intended to look for him after resting some more in her own bed, but now that he was there, she was glad she had walked straight back to her flat. She leaned in and kissed him on the forehead. She then stood up, took off her trousers and bra and put on her pyjamas. She took a blanket in her closet. She couldn't get under the covers, since Ron was sprawled on them. She carefully put the blanket on Ron, and then slid in the bed next to him.

She lay there for a while, looking at him. She brought herself even closer to him, until they were inches apart, not touching. She leaned in and kissed him lightly on the lips. It was enough to wake him, though. She felt him open his eyes, waking with a start.

"Hermione?" he asked, confused.

She smiled.

His eyes were full of love when he locked his with hers. He pulled her into a hug as he said, "I've been looking for you everywhere. I thought I'd never see you again, and here you are. My eyes are playing tricks on me."

"No, Ron. I'm here, with you."

"'Mione...."

He never got a chance to end his sentence as Hermione's lips crushed his.