Shattered Souls

Shattered Souls
By Eilan

Epilogue

"There are two kinds of weakness; that which breaks, and that which bends."
James Russell Lowell

Dear Severus,

You might wonder why I am writing you. To be totally honest, I don´t know myself.

The snake you bought for me when we were young is sitting on the desk right in front of me while I write this. It seems to stare at me, trying to prevent me from what I am about to do. It is beautiful, and I still wonder why you bought it for me. It seems too expensive a treasure for one who, like me, never cared for wealth.

The truth is, I don´t know what to do at the moment. I feel hollow, like some part of myself is missing since I left Hogwarts. I suppose the fact that I am now living alone is slowly driving me mad.

It´s breaking me, Severus.

All my life, I have had someone around me. And as you know, it was not always a good thing.

Which is probably the understatement of the century.

The house is quiet around me. There is only my breathing and the scratching of the quill against the parchment as I write meaningless words to fill this silence.

You probably don´t know what I mean or where I am getting to.

By the time this reaches you, there will be no Maria Celeste Sinistra anymore.

There, I wrote it. Wasn´t as hard as I thought it would be.

To be honest, there hasn´t been a Maria Celeste Sinistra for a long time. She died many years ago, and although she tried to live again, she didn´t succeed.

Writing about myself as though I´m writing about some random person makes it easier.

You might think I´m crazy for what I am about to do to myself, and maybe you are right. But then again, you are not me. You have not done and experienced all that I have.

You are strong, but I am so weak.

My boyfriend - it feels childish to use this word when you are an adult, doesn´t it? - left me yesterday.

But heartache is not why I am doing this. I have dealt with that feeling before.

All my life I had a purpose. Teaching, caring for someone, hoping against hope that I would make a difference.

But I am insignificant in the greater scheme of things. In times of war, who needs an astronomer?

I am empty.

Are you to blame for what I am now?

Maybe, but maybe not.

I cannot excuse you of your responsibility in the mess that is my life. Yet I cannot blame you entirely.

We make our own choices.

I always wondered if this is really true. Now I know that it is.

And I made my choice long ago when you stood before my door one night. I could´ve closed it in your face, but I chose not to.

And now I make one last choice, one that is only mine.

The moment this owl leaves the room there will be no going back. I am a Slytherin, I have a backbone... I just didn´t use it much in the past.

We make our own choices.

Farewell.

Yours sincerely,

Maria Celeste Sinistra

END