Shattered Souls

Shattered Souls
by Eilan

Chapter Two

"I hate and I love.
You ask me how this can be;
I don't know:
I only know that I feel it, and it hurts."

Years later, she could pinpoint the exact moment when the child's game had become something more, something dangerous and painful. But as a child, she hadn't been able to read the signs well enough, hadn´t even seen them. It was three months after their first conversation. Their relationship was still fragile: she didn't get along with his friends very much; he judged her friends to be childish. But she felt that he cared about her, and when they had made love for the first time, he had even said he loved her.

And she had believed it, desperately wanted to believe it, for her own sake as much as for his.

Then came the night that changed everything. A black night it was, without a moon, only the stars distinguishing the black sky from the boy's eyes.

They say that the eyes are the mirrors of the soul.

The boy's eyes, blacker than they had ever been before that night; his kisses hungrier -- and yet there was no passion. Her clothes ripped off, her questions stifled by kisses, her body going weak and cooperating...

His voice whispering something, then disappearing.

Maria, learning what it felt like to be left feeling empty.

But only for the first time.

*

What surprised her the most later was that when she thought about that night, and the following nights, she didn´t hate him. That she had, in fact, never hated him. Instead, when she thought of those nights, she couldn't help but feel sad. From time to time she even felt angry, but it was more towards herself than towards him.

She never hated him.

Not even when , a few nights later, he pretended as if nothing had happened and she saw the skull tattooed on his arm. Freezing for a moment, not knowing what do, she decided that there was nothing she could do. Above all else, it made her sad.

She continued to pretend she hadn't noticed it for the next few weeks, then one day quietly ended their relationship. He pretended to understand and just nodded.

Maria guessed that he had understood her in some way. Still, it had hurt to look at him and see what could have been but wasn't. There were wounds there she had no ability to heal

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Entering the staff room, she immediately felt the urge to exit it again. The only person present was Severus Snape, the one person she didn't want to see.

Normally, by that time of day, she would be in her room in the Astronomy Tower and, as far as she knew, he would be in the dungeons. Of course, like always, coincidence and fate had plotted against her and there she stood, wanting to turn back on her heels, but then noticing he had already spotted her. There was no way back, then, without embarrassing herself.

A short glance and a quick nod was all she received, and she inwardly breathed a sigh of relief. She just had to spend some time there, in the same room, and then she could flee.

The silence that followed could by no means be called comfortable; it was anything but that. Still, she was surprised when he broke it.

"I can't resign, you know that." His voice was low, still full of the strength that she recognised all too well from a past long gone.

"Yes, I know. Why are you telling me this?" She was genuinely surprised. It was a game as old as the world and she was used to it by now: Don't say anything. Wait, and it will pass. Why wasn't he playing along?

"Because you should know." The newspaper in front of his face prevented them from making any eye-contact, but she didn't know if she would've been able to stand it. His eyes, black and deep and bottom-less, stirred up too many memories. Memories of a single night, as black and deep and bottom-less as his eyes.

"Know that you have no other choice or that you had no other choice." It was quickly changing into a game she didn't know the rules for. He was a skilled speaker, a manipulator, a master of choosing his words. She was none of this.

"That you have a choice."

"I never had a choice."

"You always had a choice. It is your life." His voice began to grow impatient, something she wasn't used to getting from him. He had used feelings and glances and movements before that had made her uncomfortable, but never had his voice held anything more than understanding towards her. It was a weapon she wasn't familiar with.

"Is it?"

The newspaper was lowered; his eyes stared right into her soul, or so it seemed to her. They were black. But not dead.

"What do you want, Maria?"

Her name, spoken by him. It had been a long time.

What do you want, Maria?

She didn't know.

Him.

No.

It all to end.

No.

"A normal life."

And she had wanted it for a long time. She wouldn't pass up another chance to get it.

Standing tall, Maria left the room.

To be continued...