Dog Star Rising

Chapter Seven

Shocked silence filled the room. Harry stared, bewildered, into the faces of his dearest friends, who were looking at him as though he had just confessed to eviscerating house-elves in his spare time. "It didn't work," he protested. "When I tried it on Bellatrix, she said--Ow!" he broke off as Sirius squeezed his arm convulsively.

Remus leaned forward, putting a hand on Sirius's shoulder to restrain him. "Padfoot, we have to remember the boy was raised by Muggles. The professor who first taught him about Unforgivable Curses was a Death Eater in disguise, and Harry's already had more of them directed at him than most wizards now living--starting with an Avada Kedavra when he was only fifteen months old! It's no wonder he doesn't understand, but he has to learn right now."

He turned to Harry. "There is a reason why certain curses are called Unforgivable, Harry. Dark Magic that powerful is dangerous not only to the victim of the curse, but also to the performer of it. The damage you could do to your soul, your spirit, is not worth the chance of revenge against Snape or Bellatrix. On some level, Harry, you already understood this years ago when you stopped Sirius and me from killing Peter. You were right then, and you cannot make the same mistake yourself."

"Harry, don't you remember when we learned about the penalty for using Unforgivable Curses?" Hermione added. "You could be sent to Azkaban for life!"

Sirius's right hand was still painfully gripping Harry's arm. With his left, Sirius pointed across the table at Hermione. "Don't ever say that again in my hearing," he warned. "Harry is never going to be accused of this. He is never going to see the inside of those cells, because none of us will ever breathe a word of what we just heard. Do you understand me?"

Hermione gulped and nodded. Sirius's gaze shifted to Ron, who exclaimed, "What d'you take us for? Of course we won't say anything!"

"Not even to your parents, Ron, or to your sister or brothers," Remus cautioned.

Sirius turned back to Harry. "Do you understand? You took a horrible risk. Harry, you are too precious, too important...I will never let anyone lock you up, do you hear?"

"I...I understand, and I won't try that curse again." Harry placed his free hand on top of the one of Sirius's that was holding his arm. "It didn't have much effect when I did, and Bellatrix said that was because I didn't properly mean it. She said that with that type of Dark Magic, you have to enjoy causing pain, and as much as I hated her and Snape both, I couldn't hurt them like that." Suddenly his eyes widened, and his hand dropped back into his lap. "But--what about what I did to Malfoy? When I used Sectumsempra--and Snape said that was powerful Dark Magic--there was so much blood! I've been telling myself I didn't mean to hurt him so badly, but...does this mean I really did?"

"Harry, from what you told us about that afternoon," Remus answered steadily, "you were lying on your back, convinced that Draco was about to use the Cruciatus Curse on you, and you tried the first thing that came into your mind to stop him. The spell you used gained its power from your fear, and yes, from the dislike of Draco Malfoy that you've built up over the years. I imagine that, emotionally, you did wish to hurt him quite badly at that particular moment, and it sounds as though you certainly succeeded."

Harry hung his head. "So...I might just as well be a Death Eater, then. I'm just as evil as Malfoy--"

"Not at all," Remus answered sharply. "The fact that you immediately felt remorse for what you'd done, that you wanted to take the spell back, demonstrates that you're not like those--those soulless bastards--and it's true as well that you hadn't consciously intended to cause that amount of damage. But you have to remember, always, that magic is a very powerful force. The more you learn to use your abilities, the more responsibility you must assume for the actions you choose to take. Acting from emotion alone, without taking time to consider the consequences, may lead you to make very serious and costly mistakes."

Harry bit his lip, then asked, "Like I did by going to the Department of Mysteries?"

"Yes, Harry. Exactly like that."

Sirius's hand had gradually been loosening its hold on Harry's arm. Now he let go entirely. "Moony's right about this, Harry. I've made some of the worst mistakes of my life by not stopping to think what I was doing. What you did to Draco Malfoy--well, it reminds me of what I did to Snape years ago, when I sent him through the tunnel to the Shrieking Shack. I wasn't consciously trying to kill him; I convinced myself it was a joke. But the truth is that with a few careless words, I might have been responsible for his death--and also for Moony's. They might well have killed Moony, you know, if he'd bitten Snape that night."

The eyes of all three teenagers turned toward Remus in shock and sympathy. He smiled reassuringly back at them, and once more laid a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Sirius--"

"Magic of any kind, and especially Dark Magic, in all its forms, is not a game," Sirius continued. "James understood that better than I did at the time, and he prevented me from having two deaths on my conscience, or maybe three--he risked his life as well, going after Snape." He let out one of his barklike laughs, but the sound was bitter rather than mirthful. "And look how Snape repaid him! Well, I may get my chance for revenge on Severus yet, but that's not why I brought up this story. My point is that I was a stupid, thoughtless kid. I grew up quickly after that night, though, and it's time for you to grow up a bit as well, I'm afraid.

"I said a few minutes ago that I was sorry Snape was there to heal Malfoy when you injured him. I didn't completely mean that. I wouldn't grieve much for Draco Malfoy, mind you, but I wouldn't have wanted you to have to bear the burden of killing him, Harry. Especially not like that, not by accident in a schoolboy brawl. You may be called on very soon to fight, and perhaps to kill, in the search for these Horcruxes. If you're truly ready for this task, and Dumbledore believed that you were, you will be able to face it like an adult, understanding the risks we are running and the stakes involved." He smiled at Remus over his shoulder. "And now that Moony is ready to go into cardiac arrest from the shock of hearing me preach about caution and responsibility--"

"Hell ought to be frozen over quite solidly by now, that's true," Remus responded, with a grin.

"May I ask, Harry, how you managed to keep Snape from killing or capturing you that night? You said nothing you tried had any effect..."

Harry explained how Buckbeak had intervened, and driven the Potions master away.

"Thank Merlin for Buckbeak!" Sirius exclaimed. "I wonder if I could manage to bring him a dead rabbit or two as a reward, when Hagrid's not looking. He certainly deserves one. So all of the Death Eaters escaped, then, but Dumbledore was the only one they hurt?"

"Not quite," answered Remus, and he explained what Fenrir Greyback had done to Ron's brother Bill.

"I'm very sorry to hear that, Ron," Sirius said quietly.

"He'll be fine," Ron responded, his face stiffly set. "He's just been married, and Fleur says the scars don't make any difference to her at all..."

Hermione patted Ron's leg, and the two of them exchanged a private smile.

"That's all I can think of that you need to know," said Harry, looking from Remus to Sirius and back. "So, what do you suggest we do next?"

"Well, for now, how about getting some sleep?" Remus asked. "It's late, and I for one will need some time to digest all this before planning much further. I do recommend, though, that we use Hogwarts as our home base in this search. I understand why you three decided to drop out of school earlier, and I agree that this is even more important than your education, but I still think you should reconsider the decision. If the Death Eaters believe that you're busy attending school, they won't suspect what you're really up to. We'll have access to the library, the potions facilities..."

"And you'll have a better chance of keeping us safe?" Harry threw in, grinning.

"Yes, that too," Remus shot back. "But there should be enough danger involved to satisfy even you, Harry."

"It would be a perfect cover for us, Harry," Hermione added eagerly, and Ron nodded.

"Sounds like we couldn't use your house anyway, mate," he added. "We'd have Order members tripping us up every step we took."

"All right," Harry sighed. "I don't suppose I've much choice about this, either. But I'm not letting you or Sirius try to take charge," he added, looking at Remus. "In this, we're acting as equals, not professor and students."

"Agreed," said Remus immediately. "The three of you have earned that right. You've impressed Sirius and me over and over by how well you handle yourselves." He paused for a moment. "Others, however, will have a harder time accepting that you're not children any more. That's why, if it's all right with you, I'd like to contact Molly and Arthur straightaway to tell them where you are." Forestalling a general cry of protest, he explained, "Better to do it sooner than later. Don't worry--you won't have to speak to them tonight. I'll tell them that after feeding you and giving you a long and indignant talking-to, I've sent you all off to bed. They'll be overjoyed to know that you're all right and that you've agreed to come back to school this autumn. If they believe that the three of you are sufficiently penitent, I hope that they won't ask too many inconvenient questions, and that they'll consent to the idea of you staying here at the castle between now and the start of term. I'll invite them to Hogwarts for lunch tomorrow to see for themselves that you're all right, and once they've gone home, the five of us can sit down in the evening and make further plans."

Everyone could see the sense in this arrangement, and the plan was quickly adopted. "Now then, let me walk the three of you to Griffindor Tower," Remus offered, "and we'll set up a password for you with the Fat Lady."

"Could Harry stay with me for a few minutes, Moony?" Sirius asked. "I'd like to have the chance to speak with him alone."

Remus nodded and waved his wand at the trunks at the back of the room. All three of them promptly floated into the air. Remus opened the office door, guided the trunks through it into the hall, and motioned for Ron and Hermione to follow. He pulled the door shut behind him as he left the office, and Harry and Sirius were alone.

"I hope this is all right with you, Harry," Sirius began as soon as the door closed.

"It's fine--I reckon Ron and Hermione would like to have a few minutes alone themselves." Harry grinned. "They're going out together now, you know."

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Bit uncomfortable for you, isn't it?"

"Not really--I was going out with Ron's sister Ginny for awhile." When Sirius remained silent, he added, "I still really like her, but I told her it wasn't safe for her to be with me right now."

Sirius nodded. "She reminds me very much of Lily--not just in looks, but in spirit as well. I wondered how long it would take you to notice her, Harry--well done!"

Harry smiled a trifle sadly. "So what was it you wanted to say to me?"

"Nothing to do with Voldemort or the war. I just wanted us to have some personal time together, to talk. We never seem to have had enough of that, and this whole last year I've been thinking about you and regretting all the things I didn't say or do before we were separated. You thought I'd died--and if Dumbledore hadn't been there, I really might have done, and, well--do you realize that tonight was the first time I've even given you a proper hug?"

Harry nodded. "That last day of the Christmas holidays, when we said goodbye in the hall, you put your arm around me, but it was just for a second or two--"

"I remember. That morning, I was just trying to get you out of the house before I started blubbering--couldn't let you see your strong, capable godfather fall apart just because you were leaving, could I? But the truth is, I never wanted to let go of you. Look, Harry--I promised myself that when I saw you again, I would just say this straight out, not worry about how you'd take it or whether I might frighten you-" He paused, gathering his thoughts, then continued more deliberately.

"I want you to know how much I love you, Harry. I've loved you since you were a tiny baby--I wish you could remember those days and how happy you made us all, even with the war going on all around us. Being your godfather was the most important thing I'd ever done in my life. And then, on the night your parents died..." He drew a deep breath. "When I saw you were still alive, and I reached out to take you from Hagrid...I had to use my best Healing charm three times before the cut on your forehead stopped bleeding. Seeing you hurt that way was terrifying, but taking care of you somehow helped to cut through all of my grief and rage about losing James and Lily. You needed me to focus, to be strong, to wipe the rest of the blood away from your face, and to rock you until you stopped crying. I don't know how to explain what I was feeling, except...the moment I held you in my arms, I knew that you had become my son, mine to care for and protect, for always. That's how I've felt about you in my heart ever since. I only let Hagrid take you away that night because I knew that you'd never be safe with Peter on the loose, and I felt I had to be the one to settle with him. After that was done, I didn't care what Dumbledore might say--you belonged with me, and I was going to raise you.

"But then you grew up not knowing me. The next time I saw you, you were thirteen and you'd been told I was a crazed murderer. Since then, I've been too busy running from the Ministry to take much of a part in your life. When I saw you that night in the Shrieking Shack, I wanted to start making up for lost time right from the first, but you thought I was trying to kill you. I can only imagine how ragged and frightful I looked..."

"I gave you a bloody nose," said Harry, wincing as he remembered.

Sirius laughed. "I thought you were going to do it again tonight for a minute there, when I told you about the night I heard your voice calling me from the mirror. Your greetings are improving...and I really don't blame you. That's why I've tried to go slowly these past few years, let you get to know me, not overwhelm you with too much affection or emotion before you were ready for it. I wish I'd been there all your life, to tell you stories, tuck you into bed, teach you to ride a broom, buy you your first wand, listen to all your problems...I always wanted to be a proper father to you, Harry, the kind that James would have been. But now I'm finally having this talk with you, you're already grown, and you don't really need me for any of those things." He paused, then smiled gently. "I'm glad, at least, that we can still be friends. Sorry to appear out of the blue and just dump all of this on you, but I think I'll be much more at peace now it's been said."

Harry sat quietly for several moments after Sirius had finished. Then he said slowly, "So that's what it feels like." Glancing up at Sirius, he explained, "That was the first time anyone's ever told me they love me--the first time I remember, anyway." He paused, looking at the table in front of him. "When I thought you'd died...Dumbledore said to me that I had started to think of you as a father, that you were the closest thing to a parent I'd ever known." He turned tentatively to Sirius. "Does it have to be too late? I mean...just because I'm grown, does that mean I can't ever need you for anything? Because when I said before that I didn't want your help, that was only because I'm scared for you and I don't want to lose you again. The truth is, I've missed you so much. There've been so many things I've wanted to ask you, things I've wished you could help me with..."

As Harry's voice died away, Sirius stood and opened his arms in invitation. This time, as he embraced his godson, Sirius bent and kissed the top of Harry's head as he had done to Hermione earlier.

"You can have my help anytime you need it, Harry. Advice, assistance--whatever is in my power, all you need is to ask."

"And Sirius--I love you, too." Harry stepped back and smiled up at his godfather. "You're right--it feels good to finally say it, straight out."