Caught Between Two Worlds

Monday, 31 July 1995

Dear Diary,

It's Harry's birthday today and I do hope his aunt and uncle are treating him well, especially with what happened at the tournament last month. But it seems to me they're always terrible to him and I know he just takes it. But what other choice does he have, really? I hope Professor Dumbledore lets him go and stay at the Burrow soon. Harry says Professor never tells him exactly why he has to go back to the Dursleys' every summer, just that he will be safer from Voldemort if he's with his blood relatives.

It scares me a little to write that name. It's not that I was raised to fear a silly name (honestly, what does he fancy himself anyway? Why can't he just use his sensible name like other people? I suppose he thinks it'll scare them, and it's worked. Practically the whole world is afraid just to say Voldemort, much less do anything about him), since my parents hardly even understand who--or what--he is. Of course, when I first got my Hogwarts letter and I started to read up on magical things--history and such--it was very odd to me that everyone everywhere called him "You-Know-Who" or "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named." It took me several books to even find out that he was really called Voldemort (and several years to find out that he started as Tom Riddle), but I didn't really understand until I was at Hogwarts. I've still only met several people who will say Voldemort out loud: Professor Dumbledore, Professor Lupin, Sirius, and Harry. Dear, sweet Harry. I've been worried about him all summer; I've been thinking of him a lot. All that dreadful stuff that happened during the Third Task and him back at his aunt and uncle's for the summer with no one to look after him. Oh, I know if he heard me say he needed looking after he would scrunch his face up like he always does when he thinks I'm being ridiculous. It's not that I think he can't take care of himself, I just think that everyone needs a shoulder to cry on every once and a while. It's funny how Harry, the person who probably needs a crying shoulder the most, is the one person most often left without one. I mean, I have my mum and dad, however clueless they are to what's going on in the wizarding world, and Ron and Ginny have their parents and all their brothers and Harry...Harry has no one.

He always swears that he tells Ron and I everything, but I know he doesn't. Like third year, when the Dementors were around and everyone thought Sirius was trying to kill him and he said he was fine and no, he wasn't worried, he wasn't scared and no, the Dementors didn't bother him. He finally admitted that they did, that he heard his parents being murdered when the Dementors came close to him. He didn't give us details, but I couldn't help myself from imagining them when I was lying in bed at night thinking of my own parents. I can't imagine what it must be like to grow up without parents, to hear their final moments replayed in your head. I know what I came up with must not be nearly as terrible as the truth and I know that he must have seen it over and over again, even when he didn't want to.

I know for sure that he's not telling Ron and I everything now. He feels guilty about Cedric, I know that much, and knowing him, he probably always will, no matter what anyone says to him. Harry holds himself far too responsible for everything that happens around him. Maybe Cedric died because he touched the Cup, but why can't Harry see that he wasn't the one who made the Cup a PortKey? Why can't he see that he wasn't the one who pulled out his wand and killed Cedric? He was being kind, sharing the trophy with Cedric. He was just a baby when Voldemort decided to have a murderous grudge against him! It has nothing to do with who he is and the decisions he makes and I just wish he could see that. Honestly, sometimes I just want to grab him by the shoulders and shake some sense into him. He always has to be so bloody noble. Not that there's anything wrong with being noble, of course, but Harry really can take it too far sometimes.

I feel so out of place, sitting here in my bedroom. Four years at Hogwarts and my home doesn't feel like home anymore...now I'm the one feeling guilty. Truthfully, I just miss all the people at Hogwarts. Before I got accepted, I was always the outsider with all my classmates. They thought I was so odd, studying all the time...the few times I accidentally used magic didn't help either. Not to say that everything was perfect at Hogwarts, because we all know that Harry, Ron, and I weren't exactly fast friends. But we have something really special now, and I would do anything for them. I still shudder to think about those first two months though...I've changed so much since then...everything has changed since then...that troll...I think I owe Quirrell and Voldemort some sort of debt, just for bringing the three of us together.

Ugh, Hermione! What are you saying?!? You do NOT owe Voldemort ANYTHING! Really, the things I say can be so silly sometimes.

I guess I really just feel like I'm in limbo during the summer--caught between my two worlds. I mean, I love the Muggle world. I was born and raised in it, my family lives in it, and I think that it will always be home to me, just a little. But I love the wizarding world as well. It's where Hogwarts is, Hogwarts, the one place where I've felt as if I truly belonged. It's where Harry and Ron and Ginny and the rest of the Weasleys are, whom I love with all of my heart. But then there's Voldemort. There's so much evil, and no way to contain it. Suddenly, we're living in constant fear. In the Muggle world people go to jail and you can't use Polyjuice Potion to trick anyone. In the Muggle world you can be sure of who you're talking to. There are no surprises. At least, not nearly as many, or as fatal. And sometimes, like now, I just feel so detached and so isolated. I have no way of really knowing what's going on in the magical world. Of course, I've had a subscription to the Daily Prophet for several years now, but it's just not the same. This past year has taught me that the Ministry keeps the things that really matter very quiet. There was absolutely nothing about Voldemort resurrecting himself in the Prophet. Ever. And the people really should know. Whether Fudge believes it or not, it's not up to him to decide for the rest of the world what they believe. It's truly unfair to deny this information, no matter how mad he thinks Harry is. Most of the world wouldn't. If it's so terrible for me though, it must be ten times worse for Harry. I owl Ron and Ginny constantly and they tell me everything their dad hears at the Ministry. But Harry can't get the Prophet and sometimes, his aunt and uncle won't let Hedwig out or any other owls in, so he can't talk with Ron or me or Sirius or anyone. And seeing as he's the one who's in real danger and really should know everything that's going on, it must be really frustrating. I feel for him so much. I suppose it's just my maternal instincts kicking in (the caring, nurturing ones, not the responsibility ones he and Ron gripe about so much). I just want to take him away from the Dursleys' and give him everything he deserves--attention and understanding and love. Oh, not love like that. I love Harry and Ron as the brothers I never had and I hate sitting at home just fretting about them, especially now that Voldemort's back and anything could happen at any time. I just wish I could be with them and know they're safe. They mean the world to me.

But like I was saying a few paragraphs up there, I love both of my worlds but I do realize that I cannot really live in both of them. Sooner or later, I have to choose. Which basically means choosing between the people who mean the most to me: my real, biological family, or the family I have in Harry and Ron. I know that I can always come and visit my parents and see my family, but it would never be quite the same. And this is the part I hate. Because I know I would choose Harry and Ron any given day and I hate myself for that. I love my parents. I do. I love them just as much as I love Harry and Ron. But there's something different; there's something more that I need to give Harry and Ron. My parents gave me life, but Harry and Ron gave me a life, something to fight for and something to believe in. I'm far too involved in that life now to just forget about it and live in the Muggle world when I graduate, which I know is something my mother is hoping for. Of course she's happy that I go to Hogwarts and I'm learning and I'm a good witch and I'm happy, but I know she feels a little uncomfortable about it and sometimes she wishes I was just like other daughters. I feel terrible disappointing her. We're not nearly as close as we were before I went off to Hogwarts. And that is the worst part of my being a witch, dear Diary: I'm losing my family. I know they will always love me and be there for me, and vice versa, but things will never be the same between us. And most times, I just want to show my parents all the wonderful things about the wizarding world and how brilliant and fantastic it is, but I know they wouldn't understand. So not only do I feel detached from the wizarding world in the Muggle world, but I feel isolated from my parents as well. It's so terrible.

I had an owl from Ginny yesterday--she sent Errol. That poor old owl is just going to fall out of the sky one day and die and no one'll ever know what happened to him. She was as cheerful as ever; nobody really told her much about the Tournament and she doesn't ask. She's smart enough to realize, though, that something significant has happened and I think she realizes that it's not good as well, so she's trying to be cheerful and happy and cover it up by pretending nothing as happened. I applaud her for that because I know she feels left out lots of the time...when Harry and Ron and I have some private business or no one in her family will tell her what's going on because she's the baby. Ever since the Chamber of Secrets, especially, she feels as if they treat her like a china doll. Which they do, I suppose. It's hard for me, because I see both sides of it, being close with both Ginny and Ron. But she is growing up, and people should take notice. She's quite gifted, actually, but she is terribly shy and she doesn't like to speak up for herself that much. She tells me lots of things and she even told me that I'm probably her best friend. Which made me a little sad and a little happy at the same time. She's my best girl friend as well, and I feel as if I'm betraying her by not telling her some of the things I know. I can't really tell her about Sirius or Buckbeak or Voldemort, can I? I trust her, but I can't tell her without letting Harry and Ron know that I am and I know Ron would object. I don't know why, really. This is pretty awful, but I think he just likes the fact that there're things about him that set him apart from her and the twins and the rest of their family. He feels that by being friends with Harry and being privy to all this great important stuff, he's living up to his family's achievements; it makes him feel special. And there is a bit of older brother over-protectiveness in there as well. But the last thing Ginny needs after the whole ordeal with the Chamber is protecting. If she can make it through that alive, she can make it through anything just fine all by herself. Her brothers and her parents are going to have to learn to give her her space soon enough because, quiet and shy as she can be, Ginny Weasley is fiercely independent and determined to make something of herself and I'm sure that she will eventually.

Harry wouldn't mind telling her. Sometimes I think he'd like to, even. He knows she fancies him and sometimes I wonder if he fancies her as well. She's told me time after time that she's over him and it was just a silly crush, but I know she's lying. I can see it in the way she looks at him, or the way her voice still gets quiet and cracks sometimes when she talks to him. It's not nearly like it used to be when she first met him, she's much more confident around him and everyone else these days, but it's still there. And sometimes, the way he looks at her, or smiles back at her, I can't help but get the feeling that he fancies her as well and maybe the only reason he's never said anything is because, first of all, he's embarrassed about it and second of all, she's Ron's little sister. I know that Ron would not take any kind of romantic activity between Harry and Ginny well at all. But I guess I may never know the truth about that one, seeing how inclined both of them are to keep their mouths shut about the things that really matter...

Fred and George sent me one of their latest Wizard Wheezes also--a quill that makes you sick if you chew on it--"Queasy Quills." They were kind enough to warn me first and I mean to write back and tell them it's a lovely idea--I'll test it on Malfoy when we get back to school. And possibly Ron as well, though I'm sure they told him about it. Oh well...maybe I can sneak one in on him one day when he's being a prat...

Mrs. Weasley sent a note asking if I would come to the Burrow and saying that they would take me to Diagon Alley to get my school things and to King's Cross to catch the Hogwarts Express. I haven't asked my parents yet, as I really sort of want to know if Harry's going first. I would feel really awful if I was having fun at the Weasleys' and he was stuck with his terrible relatives. Apparently, they don't even acknowledge his birthday--once he told me the first time anyone had told him happy birthday was the day Hagrid came and told him he was a wizard. How terrible! Ten birthdays and not one kind word! Well, I'm sure that his parents and Sirius and Professor Lupin all acknowledged the one birthday they had with him but Harry was just a baby and doesn't remember.

My, but this is a melancholy entry! I don't mean to be so glum, but summers usually make me feel this way. Especially this one...especially since Voldemort is back and there's nothing I can do...I feel so helpless sitting here writing all these stupid thoughts down. Voldemort is ALIVE and here I am, sitting at home and wallowing in pity for Harry. I would much rather be with him, at least, even if there's nothing I can do about Voldemort. And there really is absolutely nothing I can do about it. As Malfoy is so kind to remind me on a regular basis, I'm Muggle-born. Though I've tried to explain it to them, my parents don't really understand about Voldemort. When I had them read some of my books on the Dark Arts, they got scared and said I couldn't go back to Hogwarts. I panicked and explained to them that it was perfectly safe and eventually they agreed. But it's so dreadful! During the year, when I'm at Hogwarts, I'm with Harry and Ron and all the people who understand what is going on. During the summer I'm at home with those vile girls I used to go to school with still making fun of my hair or my teeth (they, too, have failed to notice their shrinkage), sick with worry about Harry and Ron and everyone else. I usually really don't mind being Muggle-born at all. It's a challenge to prove that I am just as good as Malfoy (he never mentions the fact that I'M top of the class every year, not HIM or any other pureblood) or anyone else. It's funny, really, how he's always saying that Voldemort is going to kill all the Muggle-borns and Muggle-lovers when Tom Riddle is nothing more then one himself. It's ironic, really, that someone who takes so much pleasure in killing and torturing Muggles and those who stand up for them or are related to them comes from Muggles. It's just another example of why purebloods aren't any better then Muggle-borns. Voldemort, the most powerful Dark wizard ever, had a Muggle for a father. And he can't change that, no matter how hard he tried. I wonder, sometimes, if his father had just been there, if he might not have been so angry. Is it possible that if Tom Riddle had not been left alone in that Muggle orphanage for so many years, that he might not have ever started to hate them? Might not ever have become Lord Voldemort? It's silly, I suppose, to think that way, but I can't help it.

But somehow, I don't think it's true. Because Harry...Harry and Voldemort are so much alike. It scares me, just a little. They're both orphans--even if Harry isn't Muggle-born, he's Muggle-raised, they're both extremely powerful and anyone would have to admit that there was a bit of resemblance between Tom Riddle and Harry Potter. And Harry, good, sweet Harry...he doesn't hate Muggles, even though he's been forced to live with the worst of them. He doesn't want to take over the world and kill people for no good reason at all. For Pete's sake, Harry doesn't even want to be famous! So somehow I don't think it's the fact that Tom Riddle was parentless and left to the care of Muggles that made him so angry. I think maybe it's the fact that his parents--his father, at least--abandoned him, while Harry knows that his died for him.

This just occurred to me. If Voldemort really wants to purge the world of ALL Muggle-borns, wouldn't he have to kill himself? I wonder if that thought's occurred to him. I wonder if that thought's occurred to anyone but me.

I guess being a Muggle-born, that's what vexes me the most about Voldemort. Oh yes, it bothers me all the people he's killed and all the terrible things he's done, but what angers me the most is that he's a...traitor, really. How can he hate what he is so much? Because he is just a Muggle-born wizard who happened to have great power and happened to abuse it. I could do the same. Oh, not that I would, but I ponder it. Professor Lupin says I'm the cleverest witch he's ever taught, Harry and Ron are always amazed at how easy schoolwork is for me, and even the Sorting Hat said I could top the best of Ravenclaws. It almost put me in Ravenclaw, actually. But then it changed its mind to Slytherin, because I was not only smart, but I also knew how to USE my knowledge. But I begged it please not to put me in Slytherin, I didn't want to be cunning and sneaky. So it said, "Well, I suppose you're right. Because you, YOU have the courage and the bravery to use your knowledge for what's RIGHT, not what's easy and beneficial for you."

I have never forgotten those words. Because I know I could become just like Voldemort. I could use all the knowledge I have and help the Dark side win, which scares the living daylights out of me. But the Sorting Hat trusted me when I said I didn't want to be cunning and sneaky and put me in Gryffindor. If anything, I owe it to the Sorting Hat; I have to prove him right. Not only that, but I can't imagine wanting to HELP Voldemort. Professor Dumbledore gave me the home I'd never dreamed of having and Harry and Ron and Ginny are the friends I always wanted. How could I betray that? More importantly, WHY would I betray that? This reminds me of that time in the Shrieking Shack last summer and the look in Sirius's eyes when Wormtail said he was the spy. It's so awful how Wormtail betrayed him. It scares me, deep inside, to know that I could do the same thing, I could tear the whole thing apart--I could hurt Harry or Ron like that. I don't think any kind of fear--not even Voldemort himself--could make me turn my back on them.

But I have to say that that is the one reason I HATE being friends with Harry Potter. I know that soon enough, there will be attacks again, and people will be dying, and no one will know whom to trust. It's inevitable, now that Voldemort's in power again. But it scares me, not that Voldemort could target me, could kill me or my parents, though the thought does trouble me, the thing that scares me most is the fact that someday, I might turn out like Sirius. Or worse, Peter. Even though I don't generally believe myself a particularly courageous person (Harry and Ron are always the ones doing the courageous things and I'm the one Petrified in the Hospital Wing or in the library so they don't get themselves killed), the Sorting Hat said I was. Sometimes I'm afraid it put too much faith in me. What if I'm not strong enough? What if, one day, Voldemort comes for me and I tell him everything I know? What if I turn out to be the one who's responsible for Harry's death? Or Ron's? Or anyone's? I don't think I could stand it. That's why, sometimes, I don't want to do my homework and I don't want to be the best in my class. If I'm not intelligent, no one will ever trust me with anything that important. I can never hurt anyone.

I know that's terrible reasoning, but that's how scared I am right now. Sometimes I just want to stop being friends with Harry so that I'll never hurt him. Because God knows that's the last thing I want to do and being without him and Ron would be better than knowing I'd hurt them. Harry and Ron are like my brothers (however much I may want one of them to be more) and I never, EVER want to do anything to put them in danger. The past few weeks, when I've been alone in bed late at night, in the Muggle world where no one knows or cares about Voldemort (though they should), I just lie in the dark and imagine a world where there is no Voldemort. Where Harry and Ron and I are still friends, but Harry's parents are alive and Sirius was never in Azkaban and Professor Lupin isn't a werewolf (though I can't really blame that on Voldemort...but he's such a lovely man and it's so terrible all the he has to put up with) and Wormtail was never a traitor and I have no reason to be scared. I have no reason to be scared because there's no evil, Dark wizard who's trying to kill one of my best friends, who has already been through far too much. All we care about is Quidditch and Potions class (because I know that Professor Snape would be frightful no matter what--it's just in his nature) and Yule Balls. And on Halloween 1981, the Potters had a lovely evening with their friends and then everyone went home and went to bed. And in the 1994-1995 school year, the Triwizard Tournament happened for the first time in centuries and it was just lovely to watch, especially when Cedric Diggory, the Hogwarts Champion, won.

But I suppose if my life had just been absolutely delightful like that, I wouldn't enjoy it half as much. True, Harry and Ron and I have faced death and the Dark Lord and an assumed murderer and a fully-grown werewolf and hundreds of Dementors and Death Eaters and even the wrath of Professor Snape, but that's what makes all the Quidditch victories and House Cups and pranks and lazy afternoons so wonderful. Those are the times when I love them the most, when we're just together having fun and being kids, like we should be. Harry might not have parents and I might be a Muggle-born and Ron might get lost in all of those brothers, but we always have each other for a laugh. They mean the world to me and I hope I mean the same to them. I really hope I never lose them, but if I do, I know it will be because they are doing something noble and great, like saving the world. (Which, by the way, they have already done several times). I know, in my heart of hearts, that I could not and will not ever betray them, and I pray that my logical, pain-avoiding mind and actions hold true with this.

Oh, Diary, I must be going now because Pig and Hedwig both just flew in and Hedwig doesn't look too patient (she just abhors Pig and I really can't blame her...he is quite the pest) and I need to read Harry and Ron's letters so I'll be back later. But please, promise me you'll never let me get this gloomy again, dear Diary, because it's just not worth it. Even with Voldemort around, there's just far too much else to be happy about. I promise right here, right now, that I will never, ever again let him hold me like this again. He's just a coward is all, a bloody Muggle-born coward who can't face up to what he really is and what he really has. And that's not me. I'll never be that. I'm Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley and Harry Potter are my best friends. I'm Muggle-born and damn proud of it and one of these days I'll show that Tom Riddle that the blood running through your veins doesn't matter half as much as the morals running your life. He'll see, someday. I don't care WHO he is; he messed with the wrong girl. If it's the last thing I do, I'll take him for everything he has. I'm Gryffindor, not Slytherin or Ravenclaw, for a reason. Every ounce of power and knowledge I have is working towards the death of that evil, awful, terrible man. You better watch your back, Voldemort, because your days are numbered.

Hermione A. Granger, Gryffindor