Someone's Everything

He is lying curled up by the window when I come home and does not move, even when I sit beside him and his eyes are wide and staring and I see he has burst a blood vessel again, and it spreads across his eye a shocking red against white against green like the grass outside - ripped to shreds by careless feet made fragile by the sky outside and the rain that is falling - and I want to hold him and make it better just for him like I used to be able to when things didn't work out his way.

But he is unreachable, he is stone, he is cold and far away and I know he never thinks of me, only of you who even in another continent have a power I can never understand, never have, but it's that power he yearns for and starves for and needs more than food or oxygen and indeed it seems he has died inside that he is no longer anyone I used to know and I want him back so bad but you are his life source and he is slowly wasting away in a cruel tortured way, beseeching silently to whatever gods because I do not think he believes in god, but when you are dying it doesn't matter to him that I am here and I am willing to give myself up for him the way he gave himself up for you.

I would do anything, everything just to have him smile at me and mean it too, mean it like that day that we became more than just friends, to a term we call brother but it is more than that or at least to me but I am nothing to him anymore since you came and stole him, so easily away from me I didn't even realize it had happened until you left and that's when it hurt more than anything, because he was hurting so hard and he didn't care what I had to say and even after you've used him and discarded him he loves in a sick lustingwantingneedinggnawingdesperatelyseeking way that I have found growing in me every day since that night when he laughed and came a little too close and impulse and instinct took over and we were falling into each other, losing balance, tipping downwards down to a place where I never crawled from and now he knows how I feel only he doesn't know that it is how he feels.

It is too late now and I don't know what to do, confronted with his empty face and blank eyes and level voice and his violentrippingapartscreaminginsidedyingfromsuffocation sobs at night rip through me as they rip through him and I stifle my own quiet pathetic weeping in my pillow even though I could stand in front of him and slit my wrists and I do not think he would feel anything except perhaps relief that there is one less person in the world to hurt him. And when I think that this is all your fault I want to tear you to pieces in the way you've torn him only I know that I can never achieve that, so instead I let myself fantasize as I watch him, placing all the hurt and pain in his eyes and body on you and imagine your face when you realize that for once in your life you are the loser and you are hopeless, you can do nothing, you are nothing but a toy, something to be manipulated and I want you to see him rise above you and see you see him seeing you where he has been and see him not caring, only smiling in victory and I will be behind him and you will see and you will know that I have won and he is mine now.

But this is only a fantasy and fantasy is not reality, this is reality watching him crumple into nothing in front of my eyes and having to live through it silently, screaming into my head and wishing that I could turn back time and make everything different and instead of pulling away from that long descent on that drunken night that instinct took over, let me and him fall fall fall forever without caring, without thinking and let him need me instead of this mess that I have now. My world has stopped and is slowly eroding in front of my eyes, I am drowning in my own silence and I do not think I can keep above the surface much longer.