Zigzag

Zigzag

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Chapter 9

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"Well, this shouldn't be too hard to anyone." Coma Sirius, who had now got the name of Wheelchair Sirius, glanced at the other Siriuses and Harries from his wheelchair. As the oldest of the lot, he'd been asked to take charge of the gathering. "I have here a list of questions that all of us are required to answer. And, like everybody surely agrees with me about, as Albus has put me in charge of us, I should probably start." Glancing down at the parchment slip in his hand -- it was by now rather worn after being passed on by so many hands -- he cleared his throat. "My name is Sirius Julian Black, and I am forty-three years old at the moment. For family, I have my sister Raven Barrow, her husband whatever-his-name-was, her children Jonah and Sally, and my adopted son Harry. Oh, and of course I must not forget my dear husband Severus," he added with a grin, "or all the in-laws I have through my commitment to him. Anyway," he then continued, ignoring the various shocked glances, "I work in the Ministry, as the secondary superior of the Werewolf Department. I used to be an Auror, a Top Auror, even, but my job was keeping me away from my husband during the short moments he could steal from his teaching work. So, we both got jobs at the Ministry to have matching timetables. We live in the Black Manor at the moment, and as for special conditions, well, I guess that my semi-permanent crippling counts for one. And, of course, I'm an Animagus -- my form is a Grim." He grinned, then suddenly blinked as an update came to him. "Oh, and it seems like I now have a goddaughter, too -- or at least I'll have, when Remus and Lucius make me and Severus Olivia's godfathers when the adoption is finally confirmed."

"Indeed," Harry Malfoy said dryly, taking the question slip. Seeing that many people were still shocked about the fact that Sirius was married to Severus, he rolled his eyes towards the ceiling. "Oh, for Heaven's sake, just get over it. If I have managed to accept it, then you should have nothing to complain about. Severus is my adoptive stepfather, and I'm still alive, now am I not? He's not that bad, really. Anyway, I am Harry James Potter, twenty-three years old. For family, I have my adoptive father Sirius, through him an aunt, an uncle, and two cousins, a few Muggle relatives not worth mentioning, and of course the said stepfather Severus. I am engaged to Draco Malfoy, and we both live at the Potter Place. As a condition I could maybe count my wolf Animagus form, and as for a job, well, I play professional Quidditch as a Seeker for the Montrose Magpies."

"Quidditch?" echoed Remy. "Really, I'll never understand how anybody can stand that stupid sport!"

"Yeah," said Sirius Snape calmly, uncaring about his son's outburst. "And still he watches Ravenclaw's every match -- just because his girlfriend is playing. Oh, forgive me," he then said as Remy glared at him. "His ex-girlfriend, I meant to say." Of course, he now found the parchment slip in his hand. "What? Oh, yes. I am Sirius Anthony Snape, thirty-five years old. For family I have my husband Severus, our not-so-dear son Remus, or, like he's called, Remy, a vicious father-in-law and a quiet mother-in-law. I have no conditions other than my Animagus skills. I and Severus live in our quarters in the deepest dungeons of Hogwarts, as he teaches Potions and I teach Charms."

"Remus Altair Marcus Snape," said Remy with a sharp tone as he then was given the parchment, "fifteen years old. For family, I have a stupid dad right here, a sneaky father, an annoying cousin, a rude grandfather, and a grandmother I've never even met. As for conditions, I'm an Animagus. My form is a skunk." At this, he glared at everyone present, clearly challenging them to comment on that. As nobody did, he continued, "I live in Hogwarts, obviously, and my only job is to study. And as for involvements -- well, my girlfriend just recently broke up with me."

"Which is why he's such a bastard at the moment," Harry Lupin said, sounding a bit amused. "I am Harry James Potter -- a well-known name, but it's definitely not me people connect it to. Thank our dear Boy Who Lived for that." At this, he nodded towards Remy, who scowled at him. "Anyway, I'm eighteen years old, and for a family, I have my dad Remus Lupin -- my father, James Potter, died a long time ago. Oh, and of course, in the genetical sense, I have an uncle Severus Snape, his husband Sirius, and a cousin Remy. I used to have a bigger family -- before the Adoption Charms were removed, I was Percy Weasley." He ignored all the shocked sounds coming from his audience and went on. "At the moment, I'm living in a small flat. For a job, I'm working in the Ministry -- and I'm a Death Eater spy." He said it carefreely, like he'd been talking about being a very popular guy or something like that.

"Well, wonders never cease," muttered Ziwiuz. "And here I was thinking that Percy's just a little brat who knows far too much for his own good." Just then, he blinked at an update, and then said, "In fact, it seems like he knows too much for anyone's good... No child his age should have any idea about where babies come from!" Just then, he noticed the parchment being reached out to himself by a grinning Harry Lupin. "What? Oh, okay. I am Sirius Anthony Black, twenty-two years old. I was involved with Remus, but that relationship was understandably ended after the Death Eaters tortured him and he fell to the mental level of a three-year-old kid. I'm unemployed at the moment, living off my inheritance -- my whole family was killed in the War -- and live in a flat with Remus. Oh, and of course, I am two months pregnant at the moment. The baby is Remus's."

For a moment, everybody was quiet. As nobody seemed to be too eager to speak, Wheelchair Sirius cleared his throat at last. "I think it'd be best if I now read the information of the one Sirius unavailable at the moment," he said, raising a parchment in his hand to sight. "He is Sirius Julian Black, sixteen years old. For family, he has his parents and his brother Regulus. He's not involved with anybody at the moment, and lives at the Black Manor whenever he's not at Hogwarts. And as for conditions... well, he is in coma, and a freshly Turned vampire."

Like could be imagined, this certainly did not encourage anybody to break the silence. At last, however, Sirius Malfoy snatched the parchment with the questions on it. "Let's continue the cheeriness, then," he said. "My name is Sirius Solomon Malfoy, and I am seventeen years old by now. For family, I have my bastard of a father, bitch of a mother, brat of a little brother, dear husband Lucius, and not-so-bad mother-in-law Junila. As for involvements, well, if you didn't figure that out already, then I really do pity you. I'm living in the Malfoy Manor with Lucius as it is summer holiday, although we'll soon return to Hogwarts -- I'm still a student, and Lucius teaches Potions. And for conditions, well, thanks to my father, I am now lacking one of my lungs. I'd say that counts for a condition."

"What cheerful company I have," sighed Straight Sirius. "Are we not-so-bad-lived ones allowed to speak at all?" As a response, he was given the questions. So, he smirked, then said, "I am Sirius Anthony Black, sixteen years old. For family I have my parents and brother Regulus. Whenever I'm not at Hogwarts, I live at the Grimmauld Place, which I have to call my home. I have no special conditions nor a job, aside from having to study, and as for involvements..." His eyes twinkled, and he then finished, "Well, of course there's my girlfriend Remia Lupin."

"Nothing bad with having a girlfriend," said Harry Lovegood calmly, "even if the mentioned girlfriend happened to be male before." At this, he of course got the questions. "Very well. I am Harry Potter, twenty-one years old. I do not have living family, aside from my Muggle relatives. I work as an Auror, live at the Grimmauld Place, Number Twelve, and I and my fiancée Luna Lovegood are going to get married on St. Valentine's Day next year. And no, no special conditions."

"Very well," sighed Master Sirius, as he got the questions next. "I am Sirius Anthony Black, and I'm forty-one years old. There is really no family to speak of, and for a job, well, I'm going to start as the Transfigurations Professor after Christmas. And as for involvements, well, there are none, although I'm being hopeful about Severus." At his godson's glare, he sighed. "Don't be like that, Harry. You know very well I would never force him into anything."

"Better be so," muttered the young wizard. Then he took the parchment with the questions, glanced around, and spotted Harry Snape. "Here you go," he said, giving the questions to his replica.

The replica in question raised an eyebrow. "Very well. I am Harry James Potter, eighteen years old. I've just graduated, so I don't have any job yet, although I'm holding hopes of getting to the Auror training. For family, I have my adoptive parents, Sirius and Remus. I have no special conditions, and at the moment I live in the Snape Manor with my fiancé, Severus Snape." With this and a grin, he then passed the questions to the one of his fathers that was present.

Sirius Black scowled. "And that is the infinite sorrow of mine," he said mournfully. "It's bad enough that Snape was with my godson, he becoming my son-in-law is horrible. So, anyway. I am Sirius Julian Black, thirty-eight years old. For family, I have my husband Remus, our unborn child, and our adopted son Harry. Remus and I live at our house in Kent, and I'm working with the Weasley twins at their joke shop. I don't have any special conditions, either."

"Well, it seems to be my turn, before this goes too annoyingly cheerful," said Innocent Sirius. "I'm Sirius Julian Black, twenty-one years old. I have no family I'd like to speak of, and I'm unemployed at the moment -- until this morning, we were in the middle of war. I'm living in a small flat with my boyfriend Remus. As for special conditions, well..." He shrugged, then finished, "I'm currently under arrest -- innocent, though."

"I hope you have a better luck than I," said Prisoner Sirius bitterly. "I am Sirius Anthony Black, twenty-four. No family, no job, no involvements, and no apartment -- I'm in Azkaban, innocent, yes, but with no way out."

"Well, aren't we a happy group indeed," muttered Mated Sirius. "I'm Sirius Anthony Black, sixteen. For family, I have my parents and my brother, Regulus. At the moment I'm at Hogwarts, as I'm still a student there. And for special conditions and involvements... Well, I and Remus are mated, so I think that counts for both."

"You know," Father Harry said calmly, "the thought of you and Remus together is really disturbing. No offense, really, but it's just..." He shook his head. Then, as he was given the questions, he said, "So, I am Harry James Potter, sixteen. For family, I have my husband Remus, and our unborn child. I guess that counts for involvements as well. We're both living it Hogwarts at the moment -- I as a student, and Remus in the hidden quarters where he's staying at to stay safe from Voldemort. And, quite obviously, I have no job, aside from studying and fighting against the old snakeface."

"You are right, the thought of Remus and Sirius together is rather nauseating," Carer Harry said just as levelly. "Anyway, I am Harry James Potter, eighteen at the moment, with no living family. I'm studying to be an Auror, and staying at the Grimmauld Place, as that is where Remus is -- we are together, you see. I have no special conditions, which I am grateful for -- I have quite enough problems with looking after Remus, who is anorexic," he sighed.

"It's no better for me," said Carer Sirius quietly. "I am Sirius Julian Black, thirty-eight. Aside from my husband Severus, I have no living family. At the moment, I'm unemployed, and I'm living at Hogwarts -- although I don't have any special conditions, Severus is both pregnant and anorexic, and I have to stay close to him to take care of him."

"So now we have heard that Harry and Severus being together is disgusting," said Sirius Lionsnake calmly. "We've also heard that Remus and I being together is disturbing, as is probably also Severus and I, and especially Harry and I being together, at least by certain people's mind. Well, to make it all better, let's throw in Lucius and Draco, too. So, I am Sirius Lupin-Potter-Snape-Malfoy-Black, and I am forty-two years old. For a family, I have a mother-in-law, five husbands, and five unborn children -- I'm carrying two of them at the moment. We live in the Lionsnake Manor, the former Malfoy Manor -- well, so my mother-in-law, Severus's mother, doesn't, but anyway. As a job, I am doing research on Dark artifacts for the Ministry -- I've been doing that for two years, and I still haven't even gone through all those we have at the Manor," he added, grinning a bit. "And, well, I guess that about covers it."

"Indeed," Harry Lionsnake said happily. "I am Harry James Lupin-Potter-Snape-Malfoy-Black, twenty-two. I'm pregnant as well -- and I, too, am having twins. My family and living arrangements are the same as Sirius's, and for a job, I invent new spells for the Ministry. At the moment, I'm looking into the possibilities of wandless magic."

"Everybody else seems to have something new to say," said Shocked Harry, sighing a bit. "Well, I'm probably the most boring one of us. I am Harry James Potter, sixteen years old, and I have no living family. I'm living at Hogwarts at the moment, as I'm a student there. I'm not involved with anybody, nor do I have any special conditions."

"Well, if you are boring," said Teddy, "then so am I. You see, my information is exactly the same."

"Make the sixteen years fifteen, and I'm also the same," said Confused Harry happily. "Sirius?"

Glaring at the teenager, Protective Sirius then sighed as he was handed the questions. "I am Sirius Julian Black, thirty-five," he said. "I have no involvements or special conditions, any more than any living family. I've got no job, and I'm living at the Grimmauld Place, Number Twelve." With this, he shoved the questions to Laugher.

"Oh, no, you don't," Laugher said. "Going the easy way, make that thirty-five thirty-six, and you have my information. Seemingly the Author isn't too interested in us in our universes."

Now, as the only ones who hadn't introduced themselves yet, Dark Harry and Siri watched each other challengingly. At last, the younger one sighed and took the questions. "I am Sirius Anthony Black," he said, "and I am thirteen years old. For family, I have my parents and my annoying little brother Regulus. Whenever I'm not at Hogwarts, I live at the Grimmauld Place, Number Twelve. I've no special conditions, and I'm definitely not involved." Now, he pouted.

"Ah, the younghood and fear of girl germs," said Dark Harry dryly. "I am Harry James Potter, and -- oh, for the love of Godric. Just take the information for Teddy and the others and you'll get my information, too."

Just then, Father Harry swayed a bit. "Oh, Merlin," he whispered then. At the numerous questioning glances, he said, "Something really ugly just happened to Snape. I don't really feel like telling it, so imagine this: You are four and half months pregnant with quadruplets -- and then Voldemort puts a Cruciatus on you."

Many of them looked rather nauseous at the pictures that flew to their minds. Carer Sirius looked especially horrified, and Ziwiuz, Sirius Lionsnake, and Harry Lionsnake all wrapped their arms protectively around their stomachs as if to defend the children within them. For some reason, Wheelchair Sirius looked also really shocked, but they all just counted this reaction on the account of his husband being Severus, too.

Just as the silence was getting a bit too long, the door was opened, and Dumbledore stepped in, somebody with him. Dumbledore's eyes twinkled as he let the man standing behind him in. "I trust you still remember Sirius Lupin?"

At this, almost all Siriuses turned to look to the one of them entering the room. To their great surprise, however, they did not see the teenager they had been expecting. Instead, they saw an adult man watching them all, looking amused.

"Well, did you get Keith back?" asked Carer Sirius, who was the first one to regain his senses. "And what happened to the Lucius and Severus of your universe? What about Remus?"

"Calm down," the man said, laughing a bit. "Yes, Keith is all right now -- at the moment, he's a first-year at Hogwarts; seemingly the Author let some time pass by before concentrating on us again. Remus is all right as well, he works at St. Mungo's nowadays, thanks to Lucius. And Lucius and Severus... Well, they are happily married, and live in the Malfoy Manor with all their children. Merlin spare my soul, but they're like the second Weasleys or something!"

"What do you mean?" asked Harry Lupin. Well, of course he was curious about any mention of the Weasleys.

"They have ten children at the moment," said Sirius Lupin calmly. "Their names are Mariah, Hannah, Janus, Draconah, Lucius, Marius, Sirius, Remus, Severah, and Juliah. No, I don't know how they did that. Although they do have two sets of twins, the only time I can remember Severus unpregnant for a longer time was the one time Lucius was pregnant."

"Lucius Malfoy with ten children?" asked Protective Sirius disbelievingly. "And the social services let him keep them?"

"Of course!" said Sirius Lupin, frowning. "I don't care what kind of a bastard your universe's Lucius is, but in our universe, he's one of the best guys I've ever come to know. They both love each and every one of their children, and I couldn't imagine better parents!" Glaring at his replica, he then snatched the parchment that was offered to him. "Very well. I am Sirius Thomas Black, twenty-eight years old. For family, I have my husband Remus, and our son Keith. We live in a nice house near the Malfoy Manor. I'm also employed -- I work at the Werewolf Department at the Ministry."

"A good choice, I must say," Wheelchair Sirius said, grinning. Then, however, he frowned. "What happened to the Harry of your universe, anyway?" he asked. "Or was there ever one?"

Now, Sirius Lupin sighed. "It's a long story," he said quietly. "To put it shortly, James and Lily made Peter their Secret Keeper, as I and Remus were both too concentrated on keeping Keith safe to do that. Peter did not betray them -- well, not voluntarily, at least. Some Death Eaters caught him and tortured him. For a long time, he stood the torture, but at last, he gave up and told them where the Potters were -- later, he died of his injuries. So, James and Lily were killed -- and so was little Harry. Voldemort was won, though -- he underestimated Dumbledore, who defeated him."

For a moment, it was silent. Then Dumbledore, however, cleared his throat, breaking the silence. They all turned towards him, startled -- they hadn't even noticed that he was still present. Eyeing them all, the Headmaster said, "Well, I assume that you have all answered the questions by now?" At Wheelchair Sirius's nod, he said, "Very well, now, come all to the hall. Everybody else is there already. I think we have some things to discuss."

And so, they all followed him.

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