Wipe Away Your Tears

Severus Snape left the Order meeting very angry.

Everything was going out of hands. Lupin would only cry in the corner or, like today, he wasn't even present. Everyone was talking in sushed voices around him, and the Order members in general were rather depressed all the time. Whatever they were discussing, the conversation would at last turn to their losses, Black among the others - if not during the actual meeting, then right after it had ended. It was unnerving, really.

Normally, he would have only left the house as soon as he could. Today, however, he had to fetch some strange potion Molly Weasley had asked him to take a look at, because no one else could recognize it. In order to get the potion he had to walk through half of the house. Perfect. Spoil his already miserable day by having him walking through the house of Blacks.

He was just about to turn in the corner, when something caught his ear. He stopped and listened for a while. After a second the sound was repeated, this time clearer.

It was crying. Someone was crying nearby - behind the little door next to him, to be exact.

He opened the door and looked inside.

Lupin was there. He was laying on a couch, his face hid in his arms, crying comfortlessly. The usually so watchful werewolf didn't even seem to notice his presence before he made it known with a polite cough.

Lupin slowly lifted his head and turned it around to face him. "Go away," he hissed, his voice hoarse from crying, his amber eyes bloodshot, traces of tears over his cheeks.

"No, I won't," he said calmly, sitting on a nearby armchair. "So this is why you left? Weeping over your boyfriend?" The question came out nastier than he had meant it, but who cared after all? It was only Lupin.

"Sirius never was my boyfriend," Lupin said dryly, glaring at him. "And you should know it very well."

"And why'd I know such a thing?" he asked, playing dumb. "All I know about your relationship is that when you firstly met after twelve years you went and hugged each other. What should I figure out of that?"

"You're not stupid, Severus, so don't play one." Severus! Why had the werewolf always call him Severus? It wasn't like they were friends or anything, hardly even equals. "You know very well that werewolves mate for life. If Sirius had really been my lover, I wouldn't be here mourning over him but in a grave."

"Not necessarily," he said, raising an eyebrow. He liked teasing Lupin much more than he'd ever admitted to anyone, and at least the other man had stopped crying aloud by now. Anything to give him ears some rest. "If you were pregnant, you wouldn't die even if your mate did."

Lupin stared at him. Then, very slowly, he said, "I don't know if your parents ever gave you the birds and bees talk, Severus, but somebody better do it soon. You realize that you can't get pregnant without at first having some kind of intercourse with another person - and that it'd help a great deal if you were a woman?"

"Again, not necessarily," he replied. "Male werewolves are known to get pregnant as well."

"Yeah, but only if the baby's their mate's," the brunette replied, rolling his eyes. He rolled on his side, looking right at Severus. "And even then, a baby needs two parents, and those parents have to have sex to create a baby. For the thousandth time, Severus, Sirius - was - not - my - mate!"

"Why're you crying over him, then?" he asked. "I don't see any other reason to miss that mangy mutt - besides Potter who loved him as a godfather, but that boy is really not worth considering to have sensible reasons for anything."

"Have you ever heard the word 'friend,' Severus?" Lupin asked bitterly. "Ever wondered why other people seem to walk in packs -"

"Groups," Severus corrected. Honestly, couldn't he at least use human _words_, not wolf ones?

"Packs," Lupin repeated stubbornly, "when you are always alone? Those around them are called friends. Friends care for each other. I know this is hard to understand, but no, people don't even pay each other to care for them. Friends like each other, _love_ each other -"

"So you two really _were_ lovers?" he interrupted once again. He just loved the irritated look on Lupin's face as the werewolf was angried by him. Unfortunately, after a second the same blank, though teary mask fell on place and covered all his feelings.

"To love someone and to be in love with someone are two very different things," Lupin said bitterly. "But I maybe shouldn't wait you to understand that - after all, you've most probably never felt anything."

'If you only knew,' he thought. 'If you only knew, Lupin, I indeed know what love is... Especially lost love.'

"_Anyways_," Lupin went on, "friends, true friends, help you and support you. Listen to you when you want to talk, understand you, and even when they don't, they still stand behind whatever choice you make. They can forgive you for anything, they don't care who or _what_ you are or what you look like or what you do. They don't hold grudges against you, they don't press you to anything but let you make your own choices. They are always there for you. They love just like you are, no matter what, and whatever you do, they still love you." He stopped, looking a bit breathless, but satisfied. His amber eyes were fixed on Severus, waiting for response.

At first he didn't know what to say. Then, very slowly, he said, "So that's what Black was for you?"

"All that," Lupin said, nodding. "And even more. He was the last one of my friends remaining, and the best one. When they first discovered my Lycanthropy, Peter asked if I was dangerous, James asked if I could control myself as a wolf, but Sirius asked what the hell it mattered anyways and gave me chocolate."

Severus couldn't help a dry smile. That sounded exactly like something Black would do. Careless, not thinking abot the consequences.

"Sirius always reminded me of those days," Lupin continued quietly. "Before the Wolfsbane was invented -" Severus snorted at that, it had taken a hell of work, but he had managed, and had anyone even thanked him? No, of course. "Before it was invented, my transformations were a whole lot more painful. But ever since my fifth year, I had three friends with me. Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs would always join me, kept me from hurting myself or anyone else, let me keep my mind more human. And when it wasn't the full moon they were just my friends, my true friends, who didn't care if I was a werewolf or not. They visited me in the infirmary, carried my books when I was too weak to do it myself, avoided yelling when it was near the full moon and my ears were sensitive."

Joining him in the full moon? Of course. Did there even exist a school rule the infamous brats hadn't broken during their school days? Not very many, that Severus was sure of.

"Sirius was not only a friend, but a living reminder of those days," Lupin continued. "He reminded me of the times when I was happy and had my whole pack -"

"Whole group of friends," Severus said, couldn't resist the urge. Was there indeed more amusing sight than that angry crumble of eyebrows and the slight mock glare in the werewolf's still teary eyes?

"..._Pack_ around me. When we were all together, and James and Lily were together and Peter was still one of us. When we babysat Harry - although I'll never forgive Sirius that time when he read 'Little Red Ridinghood' to baby Harry and tried to get me to play the wolf's role."

Of course. A friend or not, Black couldn't possibly miss an opportunity for teasing someone. Fuck all the talk about caring and helping - hit on the most sensitive spot, that'll surely remain your friendship, very intelligent indeed.

"Sirius would always say something that reminded me of that. Some old in-side joke, or a story of our pranks."

'All well in memory,' Severus thought bitterly. 'After all, I was the target of most of them.'

"He was also a pack member," Lupin continued, his eyes lost to the dark window for a moment. "I know, I know," he said, raising a hand when he saw that Severus was about to say something. "You'd say that I shouldn't use wolf language, but there's no other way to put it. I'm not describing how he was my friend - he was part of the pack of the wolf within me. The wolf had accepted him, as well as all my other friends, and now, later, partly even Harry. He was important both to the wolf and the human in me." He was quiet for a moment, then added, "And now he's gone," tiny tears appearing in the corners of his eyes.

Severus found himself slightly distracted by those tears. It just didn't feel right - Lupin was always so controlled, his mask firmly on place, pretty much like Severus himself. It took a huge emotional wave to push that mask aside - during the whole year the other man had been teaching DADA in Hogwarts, he had only seen him show real emotions once, in the Shrieking Shack when he had met Black. Lupin shouldn't cry, it just wasn't like him.

For some time they just sat in silence. At some point Lupin rose into a sitting position, his eyes fixed on the ceiling, silent tears still rolling down his cheeks.

"So your whole pack is now gone?" Severus asked after a while. "Pettigrew, Potters, Black, all gone away. Is there anyone else? The Tonks girl, for example?"

"No," Lupin said quietly, shaking his head. "There are those I consider my companions - Nymphadora, Kingsley, Albus, in some way even Harry - but not real friends, and definitely not pack members. Sirius was the last one, and now I don't have even him."

"I'm sorry," Severus said softly. He almost regret the words right when they had left his mouth, but only almost. No matter what grudges he had against both Lupin and Black, no matter how much they hated each other, he had to be sorry for this broken soul before him.

"Sorry?" Lupin repeated blankly, not moving his gaze from the ceiling. "Whatever for?"

"I'm sorry that you lost your friend," he said, staring right at the werewolf, trying to force him to talk to him. "All your friends, actually. And Black for the second time." He was quiet for a moment, then continued, "It hurts. I know it hurts."

"What do you know?" Lupin asked with a bit accusing tone. "What do you know about losing all your friends?"

"Quite a lot," he said dryly. "Could you imagine, Lupin, that once - once, when I was young and stupid, I had actually friends?"

"It's not stupid to have friends," Lupin replied softly. He was quiet for a moment. Then he said, "So... How did you lose them?"

'Nothing of your business,' came to Severus's mouth, but he bit his teeth together before the words got out. Instead, he said, very slowly, "I had three friends. Very good friends, to be honest. Joseph, Charles and Julianne were their names. Joseph was a Ravenclaw and Charles and Julianne were Slytherins, like I."

He glanced at Lupin, who nodded, encouraging him to continue. So, he went on. "Charles became a Death Eater about the same time I did. Joseph and Julianne were never interested in such actions, but somehow we still managed to stay friends." He was quiet for a moment. These memories were indeed very painful.

"What happened then?" Lupin asked quietly.

"Well, Joseph went at first," Severus said blankly. "His mother was a Muggleborn, and that was enough of a reason to kill him during some Death Eater raid. I think that was what opened my eyes - after I heard of his death, I walked to Dumbledore and offered to spy for the Light."

Lupin didn't say anything. The werewolf merely watched him, those unnerving amber eyes fixed on the Slytherin.

"Charles was the next one," he continued. "In a fight against some Aurors, he got hit by a curse that threw him backwards against a rock. He hit his head - died immediately, just in front of my eyes." He somehow managed to keep his voice expressionless, completely ignoring Lupin's shocked expression. "I then started to see how the Dark Lord used his followers' families and friends to control them. I didn't want to lose my last remaining friend that way. I and Julianne were never more than friends, but Voldemort could have thought that we were lovers, and hurt her if he discovered my betrayal. So, I made a loud break-up with her, only in attempt to keep her safe."

"Julianne?" Lupin said now, thoughtfully. "It couldn't be Julianne Blade, could it?"

"Indeed," Severus replied with a little nod. "The last innocent victim in the War. Regardless my attempts to keep her alive, she died a day before that fateful Halloween - still thinking that I hated her."

It was silent for a long time.

Then Lupin said, very quietly, "I'm sorry."

Severus merely nodded, not saying anything.

After a while, Lupin spoke again. "How did you ever survive?" he asked, pain filling his before emotionless voice. "I myself don't know how I managed to live on after it - after all my friends dead, excluding Sirius, who I thought to be a traitor. And now I've lost Sirius again, and with him, everything I ever had left of my pack. I don't know I can deal with this."

"I had other matters pressing my mind," Severus answered mildly. "I had other fights to fight, other things to do. When Joseph and Charles died, I was busy spying. And after Julianne died, I was needed, as were you also back then - Order work filled most of my time. And then I suddenly had students to teach, lessons to give, and all the time I went on spying - I simply forced myself to deal with it, because I didn't have time to drown myself in the grief."

Lupin looked thoughtful again. Then he merely nodded and said, "Thank you." He'd never take his eyes of off Severus.

"Whatever for?" The Slytherin asked, repeating Lupin's former words without even noticing it.

"I... I don't exactly know. For listening, I think. And for telling me your... story."

He shrugged. "You're welcome." He rose from his chair, stretching himself a bit. "Well... I guess we'll see sometimes," he said dryly. "So, goodbye, Lupin."

Lupin nodded. "Goodbye, Severus," he said and managed even a little smile - the contrast between that happy, yet shaky smile and his tear-patterned face and bloodshot eyes was shocking.

Severus nodded back and stepped out of the room.