To Hope For Nothing

To Hope for Nothing

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Explain

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The Night, Part IV

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Sirius stared furiously at the door as it closed behind the Potions Master. Then he sighed deep, his shoulders shaking in silent effort as he tried to force the tears away. He did not succeed, however. The salty evidences of shock, fear, sorrow, and fury rolled down his cheeks. He didn't make any attempt to wipe them away; instead, he just stood there, his gaze locked at nothingness right in front of him.

"Sirius, I know this is hard to you," Dumbledore said, laying a hand on the Animagus's shoulder. "But you have to stand it all and stay strong. For Remus's sake, if not for anything else."

"I know," Sirius said, letting his gaze down on the floor. "I know," he repeated. "It's just -- it's just so hard. I mean, I hate Snape. You know that. Shit, everyone knows that! And now my best friend is -- is with his child?" The Animagus shook his head. "Incredible."

"Not really," the older wizard said kindly. "It may seem rather difficult at first, but I'm sure you and Severus will come over your grudge at some point. At least you have to cope with it. Remus trusts Severus now as much, if not even more, as he trusts you. And he indeed is with Severus's child. If you want to remain his friend, I'm afraid you have to get used to cooperate with Severus."

"Not kill him, sure, that much I can manage," muttered Sirius. "But cooperate? Albus, Voldemort himself will claim his undying love to you before I and Snape cooperate about anything."

"I know." Dumbledore sighed. "And that's why I'm very concerned about Remus's future, as it seems to have no solid base."

Then the ancient wizard simply fell silent, leaving Sirius to wonder what he'd exactly meant.

~*~

Severus was once again deep in thought as he walked towards the Infirmary. This time he pondered even more the possibility of Lupin and Black being lovers. Things seemed to get more and more complicated.

His first thought was that if Black abandoned Lupin over this, he'd kill the man. He'd kill the man, no matter what consequences. However, he also knew that it might be possible, knowing Black. The Animagus was extremely loyal to those close to him, that much credit Severus could give him, but he was also known to have a bad temper. If his lover had been raped, that would be bad -- but if his lover carried somebody else's child, that was even worse. Especially when the child Lupin was carrying was Severus's -- Black's worst enemy's child.

He idly wondered for a while whether it'd be possible to change the child's paternity, and came up with a couple of spells -- all ancient, mostly unknown, dangerous, and Dark. Besides, it most probably wouldn't even work but instead kill both Lupin and the baby. After all, the father should have originally been Malfoy, not Severus. Changing paternity once was, even in such an early stage of pregnancy, very risky. Changing it twice would be just plain insane.

So, the baby was his, and that fact could not be changed. However, could that fact remain? Male pregnancies could indeed not be aborted, on that Black had been right, and Lupin would truly never even consider that. However, if Black and Lupin truly were lovers, Black would most probably behave like the child was his, not letting Severus come even near to it. Of course, Black's worries in Dumbledore's office about Lupin being left alone with the child suggested that they were not together that way, but maybe it'd been just the shock affecting the Gryffindor's common sense -- assuming that he had any of the kind, of course. After all, even if they had been "only" best friends, Black would have never left Lupin alone with his problems, never.

And what did Severus want? Did he even want any part in the child's life? Yes, he did, he found himself answering the question. He'd never thought he might be a father some day, he'd just never paid the possibility a second thought -- after all, who would be interested in him enough to even consider having children with him? However, now that he thought more about it, it would be just what he wanted -- a child to call his own, something of him being left to the Earth after he'd been killed. He did not expect to die naturally, not with the lifestyle he was leading as a double agent, but he wanted to have somebody of both his flesh and spirit to leave behind him when the day of his death came. A child to raise like he believed, not like the way he'd been raised -- that was his dream, even if only an unconscious one.

If Black and Lupin were just friends, he might some day see that dream come true. For anything he knew about Lupin, the man would indeed allow Severus help him through pregnancy -- which was only his responsibility, after all, it would be his offspring making Lupin's life even more difficult than it was usually. Also, he wouldn't shut Severus out of the child's life once it'd been born. Maybe he could even truly raise the child along with Lupin -- the werewolf seemed to be the type to think that a child should have both parents around all the time, even if there was nothing between them.

But if the two Gryffindors indeed were lovers...

.He entered the Infirmary to find a couple of frightened amber eyes staring at him from one of the beds. As Lupin recognized him, he seemed to relax a bit, even though he was still wary. That was only to be expected, however.

"Severus," said Lupin hoarsely. "I -- I heard you saved me from there." Then, after a small pause, "Thank you."

"Do you remember what happened?" asked Severus carefully. He didn't want to just tell Lupin that he was pregnant, if he was not even aware of having been raped.

The werewolf, however, nodded mutely, looks of disgust and fear mixing on his face. So, Severus went on, but what came out of his mouth was nothing that he'd meant to say. It was, however, the thing that was on top of his mind.

"Were -- are you and Black..." Somehow, Severus couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence. He just couldn't.

"Lovers?" finished Lupin for him with weak voice. "No, never... Just friends. Good friends, true, but friends all the same, nothing more. Thank Merlin for even that little thing -- I don't think I could deal with having a lover agonizing over this, friends are bad enough."

Severus couldn't help but smirk slightly at Lupin's words. Then, however, his smirk turned into a worried frown. Lupin did not know what else had happened -- and that "else" was even more serious than the rape.

So, Severus drew a deep breath, readying himself for the task he'd been sent to fulfill. "There's -- there's something you should be aware of," he said, not sure how to tell it. Then he sighed, deciding to go bluntly into the matter. "Before he let me go with you, Voldemort casted an impregnation spell on you."

The werewolf gasped, his eyes very wide. "I -- I'm with -- Malfoy's child?" he whispered with a very weak voice.

"No," Severus said. He lowered his gaze, suddenly unable to face the distressed gaze of the werewolf. "The wolf inside you refused to carry your rapist's child. Because it couldn't cancel the spell, it picked up the most trustable person nearby." He raised his eyes again, meeting that frightened, amber gaze. "According to Dumbledore, it decided that I'm good enough."

"You -- you don't mean --" Lupin stammered, staring at him.

"Yes, I do mean that." He stroked slightly the hand laying on the cover with his fingertips, in an attempt to calm the other man down at least a little. "You're pregnant. With my child."

"Oh." Then, after a little while, again, "Oh." Then his usual calm manner returned. "How we're going to deal with this, anyway?"

"I'll take care of you," he promised simply. "Despite Black's various doubts to the opposite, I do have responsibility. Even though I didn't participate in conceiving the child any more than you did, I will take care of you and the baby, no matter what." He grasped the smaller hand, squeezing it reassuringly.

"I don't want to be a burden," Lupin whispered. "I don't want you to feel forced to be near me only because the Dark Lord impregnated me and you were kind enough to save me. You've done so much already, Severus."

"And I will do more," he said firmly. "The baby's mine as much as yours, although neither of us did anything to conceive it." He squeezed the other man's hand again. "I will help you through this. And I want to be a part of my child's life - if you allow me to, that is."

"Oh," Lupin said again. Then he smiled a bit. "So... I think it's settled, then."

"So you'll let me take care of you both?" he asked. How very uncharacteristic of him. He, Severus Snape, begging to get to look after a pregnant Gryffindor! And Remus Lupin, no less.

And, rather surprisingly, he found himself unable to care.

"I guess there are not many options," Lupin answered dryly, raising an eyebrow. "But I want you to promise one thing, though."

"And what's that?" he asked, curious.

"You call me Remus. I'm not going to cope with the father of my unborn child calling me by my surname," the werewolf replied with a firm determination in his voice.

"Well..." He shook his head, then smirked slightly. "I guess I could live with that."

"You'd better do," the other man said. "If I am with your child, I simply refuse to be called 'Lupin' by you."

"Okay, Remus." He smiled -- he! Severus Snape! Smiled! The world was surely coming to its end -- and reached out his hand to slightly stroke the werewolf's cheek. "So Remus it is."

"Right," Remus smiled at him.

"Well, then..." he started, sitting down on the opposite bed, "Perhaps we should discuss our future living arrangements with Dumbledore."