To Hope for Anything

To Hope for Anything

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Tell Him

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The Night

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The next day, Sirius went to Remus around the noon. Harry was there, too, mixing healing draughts to the werewolf, trying to tuck him into the bed, constantly worrying about his well-being. Sirius saw clearly that Remus was becoming irritated despite his usual calmness and post-full moon exhaustion, but the werewolf still tried to keep up a cheery face to the young wizard.

"Harry, take it easy," he said at last, placing a calming hand on his godson's shoulder. "Go and get some rest. You haven't slept for the whole night, either, and I suspect you haven't left Remus's side for a moment. I'll watch over him."

"But, I need to -" Harry's words were cut off by a loud yawn. Sirius smirked at that, and even Remus in his half-awake state managed a tired chuckle.

"Sleep. You need to sleep," Sirius finished for him. "Now, go before I have to push you out of the door myself."

"Fine, no reason to get feisty," the young Auror-to-be mumbled, fighting against another yawn that would only better prove that Sirius was right. He left the room, oblivious to the slightly amused glance Sirius and Remus exchanged behind his back.

"He's James through and through," Remus sighed once the door had closed behind Harry's back. "Always so bloody responsible and dutiful, no matter how many pranks he pulled during his school years. You remember the time I fell down a flight of stairs? Jamie insisted on walking me up and down stairs for the next month and a half."

Sirius chuckled at the memory. "He's not like James, he's worse," the Animagus said then. "At least James would listen if somebody told him to go and get some rest. He didn't try to kill himself over others."

Something that Sirius didn't quite recognize - was it guilt? No, it couldn't be, Remus had nothing to feel guilty for - flashed in the werewolf's amber eyes. Then, however, the werewolf smiled teasingly. "Reminds me of a certain someone who climbed on top of the Astronomy Tower and told that he'd jump down if I didn't eat my dinner like a good little boy."

"Hey!" argued Sirius. "I was really worried, and I had a reason, too, back then! You hadn't eaten anything for almost two weeks, Moony, we were all ready to give you our hands to be eaten if it'd gotten you to finish your meals!"

"Sorry," Remus replied, shrugging slightly. "I just had to get back at you. You didn't really have to tell Harry, did you?" This time, the emotion that flashed in Remus's eyes was clearly recognizable. Anger and irritation were feelings that Sirius understood and recognized very well. He was married to Severus, after all.

"Look, I am sorry I did, okay?" sighed the dark-haired man. "It kind of slipped from me, and then he demanded explanations. Besides, he hasn't been force-feeding you, has he?"

"No, he hasn't. Instead, he's been hovering around me during every single meal and looked like a kicked puppy if I don't eat everything on my plate. I'm a grown man, Sirius. I don't need you all watching what I eat or do."

"He's just concerned, Moony - we all are. It's because we care." Sirius reached out a hand to stroke his friend's arm, but then decided against it, remembering all too well the last time he'd done it. Remus had backed away from him, his eyes shining with hardly restrained horror. Sirius'd figured that it had something to do with the attack. "You've been behaving strangely since - well, since the attack. You won't talk to us about it, and it makes us worried. We want to know, Moony. If we don't know, we cannot help."

"Look, maybe I haven't told you because I don't want you to know," Remus said with a light scowl. "Why can't you simply let it be, Padfoot?" he then sighed. "I'll tell when I'm ready. It's nothing to be concerned about. And as for my strange behaviour, well, I bet you're just overreacting to all this and read me differently."

"If that's what you want," Sirius said uncertainly. "But remember, Moony, I'm always there for you. You can always talk to me about anything and everything. I'm your best friend, remember?" He even managed a smile to accompany this note. To his great relief, Remus returned the smile.

Sirius was too relieved to even notice that the smile didn't reach the werewolf's eyes.

*^*

The rest of the afternoon went by uneventfully. Remus recovered quickly, as he usually did, and was on his feet by the dinnertime, although both Harry and Sirius advised strongly against it. The werewolf couldn't be denied, however, and so they let him be.

At some point, Sirius tried to decide whether he should stay for the night. At last, he decided to send Severus an owl, telling that he wouldn't return for the night, and then go to his rooms to pack up. No matter how short the time had been, they'd already managed to discuss a lot of things. One of them was that Sirius would move in to Severus's quarters.

As soon as he'd left to get the owl, Harry took advantage of being left alone with Remus. The young wizard seemed much more energetic now that he'd actually slept some, and so, being the straightforward Gryffindor he always was, he went straight to the point.

"Remus," Harry said calmly, "I think I'm in love with you."

The werewolf blinked, then swallowed. A lump was forming in his throat. "Harry," he whispered. "You should leave..." His voice was hoarse even in his own ears.

"No," the teenager replied, locking his emerald eyes on the werewolf. "No, if you don't really want me to leave." He studied the older man for a while, then asked, "Do you?"

"Do I what?" he asked, startled. He couldn't think clearly. Everything was piling on him - the memories of the War, Sirius with Snape, his own feelings, and now this - Harry confessing his own love towards him.

Remus wanted to accept what Harry offered. He really wanted to, but he couldn't. He was more than twice the boy's age, for Merlin's sake! The same age as his father! And he was a werewolf, and...

Harry deserved someone better. Someone who could give him what he wanted and needed.

"Do you really want me to leave?" Harry asked in a teasing manner. "I've seen it in your eyes, Remus. Don't try to deny it."

"I don't," he said slowly, "I don't want you to leave. But... Harry..."

"Yes?" he asked.

"There's something you should know before you do anything else." He bit his lower lip, not knowing how to say it. Then he sighed. "Wait here," he said. "I'll be back in a second."

Harry sat down, a curious expression on his face, as Remus walked to the next room. There the werewolf glanced through his bookshelf, searching for something. At last his eyes caught the sight of a familiar form in the middle of two old Charms books. He took the little book and returned to Harry.

"Here," he said, and gave the boy the book. "Read this, before you decide anything."

Harry took the book and opened it curiously. When he saw the few first pages, he gasped. "But - this is -"

"Yes. It is my journal, Harry." Remus's voice was blank and expressionless, but his eyes were full of emotions. "No one has ever seen it. Even Sirius doesn't know what I've written down there."

"I - I can't possibly -" Harry stammered.

Remus sighed deeply. Harry was a beautiful exemplar of Gryffindor pride and honesty, and that was one of the things he loved most in the boy's character. But sometimes it just plain irritated him. And now was definitely one of those times.

"Harry, I love you," he said quietly. "You can't possibly understand how delighted I am of what you said. But please, read this book and think about it over a night. What it says there will most likely change your opinion of me very much."

The younger Gryffindor gave him a curious glance, but then nodded slowly. Very slowly, to be exact. Then, after getting an encouraging nod from the other man, Harry departed from the room.

Not walking far, Harry stopped to the living room, which was just down the corridor. There, he settled on the nearest armchair. Still wary, he opened the journal on a random entry, and started to read.

*^*

"The beast gets what he deserves," they said.

They're right. Circe, they're right. I don't deserve anything else.

I'm less than a human. A brutal beast, a murderous animal - I got just what I deserved.

Merlin, it hurts so much. I know that Poppy is trying her best to heal me, but it just isn't enough. I'm so badly injured - both physically and mentally.

I wish I could tell someone. Harry will be here soon. Merlin, I love that boy. He's so kind and nice and smart, he never says a bad word to anyone - besides to Malfoy, but Malfoy is always the one who starts it.

I can't tell him. I just can't. He has too much to worry about already - I don't want to hurt him more. He'd be hurt, I know that. He always cares of others - even of a dreadful monster like I.

I love him too much to hurt him. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help myself.

I can't tell Sirius, either. I know he'd never blame me, never say it's my own fault, or that I provoked it - he's my friend, for some reason I can't understand. How can anyone be friends with a werewolf, especially someone as dirty and contemptible as I am?

He'd never blame me for it. But I don't think he could stand it, either.

I don't want to lose them. I can't tell them - what would they think of me? They'd never even look at me again if they knew how dirty I am, how those men used me. Harry would never want to see me again if he knew what has been done to me. And Sirius - Sirius would hate me, because I couldn't fight back, because I let them do it... Because he'd at last comprehend just how much a monster I am and that I really deserved it. I don't want him to think less of me. I don't want to lose his friendship. He's far too important to me.

He'd hate me if he knew. And he'd hate me if he knew what I think about Harry. What I think about his precious, beloved godson. He'd skin me and hang my entrails on the wall of the Great Hall.

I'm in love with Harry. I know I shouldn't. He's so young, so innocent, so pure. He shouldn't have anything to do with an old, ugly, dirty monster like I.

Every time I think about him I dream of being held by him. Of being loved by him, and kissed by him, and - God, I can't. Even if my dreams came true - what they won't, ever - I'd probably start screaming the second he touched me. Or panic, even worse. I know what I want, and I know I can't do that - both because of him and because of myself.

He deserves better. He deserves someone who can really, truly love him, and whom he could love, and who could give him everything he wants and needs and deserves. Not a werewolf, not a monster.

Not a raped man like I.

*^*

Harry stared at the journal in pure shock. "Raped?" he whispered to himself. "Remus - he's been -" He just couldn't imagine it. How could anyone do something like that to Remus, who was the kindest and most friendly and caring person in the whole world? He knew he was being a bit partial, but only a bit. Remus honestly was a wonderful person.

He wanted desperately to know more. He hastily turned the page and continued reading.

*^*

I think Sirius suspects something. He's been eyeing me weirdly these last days. But I don't know what it is about - what he's found out, about the rape I went through or my feelings about Harry. It's hard to decide which would be worse. Either way, I honestly hope he doesn't know too much.

I'm not really helping the situation, I admit that. Today he simply tried to touch my arm, and I jerked backwards like I'd been burned by his touch. He looked surprised and shocked. I can't blame him - if he's guessed, he probably hates me. Maybe he's just acting friendly, secretly despising me - or, worse even, staying with me out of pity.

*^*

Poppy sent an owl to me today, telling me to come to the school for a checkup. I've no idea how I'm going to explain this to Sirius, he'll surely suspect something.

--- Thank Merlin, I didn't have to explain anything to Sirius. He wasn't even here, and Harry wasn't, either. Most probably Sirius is with Severus - he tries to keep it in secret, that's obvious, but I can't really help smelling Severus and sex on him whenever he comes back from his nightly trips.

Once, I played with the thought of telling him - after all, what could be too bad for him to bear, if he's sleeping with his so-called worst enemy? But then, like always, I decided against it - it's completely different to sleep with someone whom you love, and to let someone use your body for their own amusement.

*^*

I had a nightmare last night. It was... It was about the rape. I was there again, my hands tied, helpless in their hands. I heard their laughter, their rude words, I smelled their scent.

I felt their touch.

Merlin, it hurt. It hurt like nothing I've ever experienced before - not even during my worst transformations. I had thought nothing could be worse than they were, but it was. Like a hot blade twisting inside me.

I hate them. I hate them with all my heart.

But I got just what I deserved.

*^*

And on and on it went, pages after pages of miserable text, the werewolf's self-doubts, his suspects of the genuinity of their friendship, descriptions of the horrible nightmares he had. And on every page he confessed his love towards Harry, said he didn't want to hurt the boy, didn't want to lose the friendship that already existed between them.

Harry read everything. He was hungry for more text, desperate to know everything about his loved one's recent past and thoughts in order to be able to help him better. He read everything, and the more he read, the more terrified he felt.

At last, he tossed the journal away, unable to read any more. Closing his eyes briefly, he tried to collect his thoughts enough to be able to act sensibly.

Then, deciding what to do, he stood up. Warily picking the journal from the floor, he walked right to Remus's room.

To his great surprise, Harry found the older man still awake, despite the fact that it was late and he needed rest after the full moon. The werewolf nodded briefly to acknowledge his arrival, uneasily avoiding his gaze. Harry placed the journal to the table, his gestures clearly indicating that he'd read it.

"You most probably don't want anything to do with me anymore," Remus whispered to Harry's great shock. "It's okay, Harry. I understand. Just - leave. Now."

"But I don't want to leave," protested the young wizard. "And I want everything to do with you. I'm not going to leave you."

"But - you read it," the werewolf said, sounding helpless. Waving his hand towards the journal, he continued, "You can't possibly want that. Please, Harry, save your pity for somebody else. I don't want it."

"Remus." Harry knew that his voice was harsher than it probably should have, but he needed to make Remus understand, needed to make the werewolf see his reasons. "Stop that. I'm not staying because I pity you, or because of some Gryffindor nobility. I'm still here because I love you, no matter what."

"You cannot love me," replied the older wizard hoarsely. "Nobody can love me, not really."

"Merlin, you really believe that, don't you?" Harry felt pained at the thought that the man he loved more than anything truly thought this lowly of himself. "Listen to me, Remus. I love you, no matter what. I will love you through everything. I'm not asking you more than to love me back, to show what you've written through all those pages. Let me love you, Remus. Let me try to make the future a little better for both of us." At Remus's still disbelieving expression, he continued, "I know you don't believe me, but it's true. I know there's something between us. It's love from my side, that I'm certain of, and if you didn't lie in your journal, it's the same from your side. All I want is to let those two feelings meet."

"Harry, I can't," Remus whispered. "You read my journal. I'd probably start screaming at the moment you touched me - and anything else would be unbearable to me."

Harry smiled gently at the werewolf and took his smaller hand in his own, kissing slightly the back of the hand. "I love you," he said gently. "I will never do anything that you don't want me to do."

"But you deserve something better," Remus objected. "Someone who can really love you, and whom you can love."

"I don't want anyone but you," Harry said firmly. "You're the best I can imagine. You're the best person in the whole world, Remus Lupin."

"Whatever you say," Remus sighed, shrugging. "But Harry... If you sometimes want to go to someone else... I will understand."

"Never!" Harry exclaimed fiercely. Then he took gentler tone, looking Remus warmly in the eye. "I love you, Remus. I love and respect you and your feelings more than you can ever imagine. It doesn't matter if I can make love to you or not. Of course, I do hope you could trust me enough for that some day, but if you can't, I understand completely. But I'd never go to someone else, Remus. I don't want to make love to anyone but you, and never will, no matter what. This is a promise." He squeezed the werewolf's hand slightly. "I'll take this just as slowly as you need."

Remus bursted into tears. "Thank you, Harry," he sobbed. "You're really too good for me. I don't deserve you or your love."

"Nothing is good enough for you," Harry stated with certain tone. "I'm not half as good as you are, love. I never could be."

"Don't speak rubbish," Remus snorted, still silently crying. "You're perfect, Harry. Young and handsome and popular and good and innocent. I'm an old, pathetic, ugly werewolf whom people like only for responsibility. You deserve so much better than me. I'm - I'm dirty! Used and thrown away like an old toy no one cares of anymore!"

"You are nothing of those," Harry said firmly. "You're beautiful, Remus, simply beautiful. You're kind and brave and strong. And you're not dirty by any means. You were hurt, love. The only ones who're dirty are those heartless bastards who did this to you."

"They did it because I deserved it," Remus whispered, very quietly.

"Don't say that!" Harry commanded, nearly terrified. "No one deserves to be raped! And especially not you, Remus! You're so kind and friendly, and you've been through so much already. You're the last person in the world who should be hurt in any way!"

"Thanks for your words, Harry," Remus sighed, "but I just can't help thinking it was my own fault."

"I meant every word," Harry said gently. "And I meant them, and said them, because they are the simple truth." He then kissed again the other man's hand and smiled soothingly at Remus.

The werewolf smiled back through the tears.

***

Sirius was completely stunned. He'd been just about to check if Remus needed anything, but had been stopped dead on his tracks as he'd caught a couple of words of Harry and Remus's conversation. Of course his intention hadn't been to eavesdrop, but he hadn't been able to help himself.

In the end of it, Sirius couldn't believe his own ears. Remus - raped? Who in the world could do anything like that to him? And - they had spoken in plural, hadn't they? A gang rape, no less - what a nightmare! Not a wonder if Remus couldn't bear even a friendly touch on his arm.

And - Harry and Remus? He had never even thought about that possibility! He loved them both with all his heart, but the thought of them two together was something unbelievable to him. Not that he couldn't accept it, he just wanted them both to be happy and if it was with each other, then, fine with Sirius. But... He needed time to adjust to the thought.

Well, at the very least, it seemed that neither of them needed him at the moment. He could just as well go to sleep, as he was too tired to Disapparate safely, and go back home first thing in the morning.

And, of course, he hoped that Severus wouldn't be too mad at him for staying for the night.