To Hope for Anything

To Hope for Anything

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Shock Him

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-1 days

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Sirius lay down to the bed next to Severus with a heavy sigh. All the day, he had faced other Order members - his allies, companions, friends - telling that yes, he was sure and serious, and no, Severus hadn't drugged him in any way. He was almost hurt by the truth that most people thought extremely lowly about his husband.

He couldn't help but feel slightly guilty - it was a full moon tonight, and he should have been with Remus. But, like he kept telling himself, Harry was there - and being a wolf Animagus, his godson was even better company to his friend than Sirius himself. Harry'd started studying for the Animagus transformation when he'd heard that even though with the Wolfsbane Potion Remus was able to bear people's presence, he still felt better if there were only animals around during the full moon.

But, Remus had told him to go - the werewolf understood that Severus felt jealous of his husband, and what would be a better proof of Sirius belonging to him than the truth that Sirius was ready to leave his friend alone at the full moon to be with the Slytherin? Nobody had found an explanation to go past Remus's reasoning, least of all Sirius.

Sirius rolled to his side, putting an arm around his curled-up husband. As he let his hand wander over Severus's chest, he noticed something that startled him a great deal. Last night, he'd been too overdriven by his lust to notice, but now he felt it all too well - or, rather, them. To be exact, Severus's ribs, almost sticking out through the thin skin and the nonexistent layer of flesh.

"Severus?" he asked quietly. "How have you become so thin?"

He got no other response but light, regular breath.

The Animagus was not so easily fooled, however. Almost forcefully, he rolled Severus around, forcing him to face himself. His lover's eyes stayed closed, but he saw the slight wrinkle between the jet-black, elegant brows.

"You're not fooling anyone, Severus," Sirius said quietly. "I know very well that you're not asleep. Answer me, now. Have you been eating properly?"

Now, a pair of obsidian eyes snapped open, meeting his gaze steadily. "No, I haven't," Severus replied softly, knowing that he could not lie as Sirius already knew the truth.

"Why, Severus?" Sirius asked with a pained voice. "I thought our bond could keep the illness under line. Doesn't it work anymore?"

"Oh, it works perfectly," Severus said calmly. "I did it on purpose."

There was a stunned silence as Sirius was too surprised to say anything. Then, Severus broke the silence, continuing, "When I hadn't even heard from you for a week, I figured that you didn't care about me anymore... So I asked from myself, why should I care, then? As you obviously weren't worried about my well-being or even interested in knowing whether I lived or not, I could not see any reasons to please you by eating three full meals a day."

"What did you do, then?" demanded Sirius, hoping for the best but fearing the worst. "Did you miss meals, or eat too little, or -" He was unable to finish his sentence, so he just silently begged Severus to calm his fears.

Severus, however, did not do so. "When you came here yesterday and we ate supper, it was my first meal for a week or so," he told without a hint of regret or guilt in his voice.

"Merlin," Sirius whispered. "Am I that bad a husband, Severus? Am I really so rotten and uncaring that you have to starve yourself because of me?"

The obsidian eyes looked back to him. "I was just living to the choice you're always forcing me to make," the Slytherin replied. "And as you weren't present, well, I didn't have really choices, now did I?"

Sirius sighed deeply. That April, only shortly after their wedding, he'd noticed that Severus kept eating too little. Knowing well that it wasn't because of the illness but pure self-torment by choice, he'd told Severus to choose between him and anorexia. That time, Severus had chosen him - but, obviously, he also remembered the choice given.

And now, he used it to strike back at Sirius.

"Look, Severus, I'm sorry, okay?" he said, tangling one of his hands to the Slytherin's hair. "I should never have given you that kind of choice. And I would never leave you, anyway - and I truly mean never. It was stupid from me to even suggest that. I'm just worried, I want you to be okay..." He let out a heavy sigh, resting his other hand on his husband's side. As he now took a better look, he could easily see Severus's ribcage shining through the pale skin.

"I know." Severus looked to the ceiling, not meeting his gaze.

"Severus," Sirius said warily, knowing all too well his husband's gestures to let anything fool him, "Have you been playing with your eating before?"

"Well... Remember the Spring Ball in Hogwarts?" Severus asked. "You danced with Mauricia Blindon - if that can be called dance. It looked more like vertical sex with clothes on."

"Hey, you know Mauricia, she's like that to everyone," Sirius defended himself. "And I didn't do anything to encourage her, now did I?"

"You danced with her three times," Severus replied smoothly. "Do you know what I did after that?"

Sirius shook his head, unaware of his husband's antics. "Poisoned her?" he guessed.

Severus in turn shook his head. "I was so jealous that I went home, threw away all food, and ate nothing for three days," he replied levelly.

Sirius gasped in surprise and shock. Then he hugged the far-too-thin man against himself. "I'm so sorry," he whispered. "Really, if my behaviour makes you do that, I promise I'll spend the rest of my life sitting on my hands so I won't upset you again."

"Don't promise something you know very well you can't keep," Severus said calmly. "Besides, you're mine, and everybody knows it now. If somebody goes too near you, I can go and take my anger out at them, not at myself."

In his mind, Sirius silently prayed that it was so.

He couldn't bear it if he was the thing that drove Severus over the edge again.