Qualms and Connections

Qualms and Connections

Chapter 3:

The Friend

*

"What is this?" asked suddenly a voice from Remus's side. Startled, the werewolf looked up to the person who had spoken. Seeing Severus standing in front of him, he relaxed, sighing in relief. So it hadn't been another one of the older boys who'd come to bully him.

"What do you mean?" he asked from his friend. "What 'this' are you asking an explanation for?"

Severus raised an eyebrow. "Why, the fact that you're still here, of course," he replied. "I waited in our room, waiting for you to come to collect your things, but you never came. What's wrong?"

"'What's wrong'?" echoed Remus. "Rather you should ask that if I wasn't here anymore."

"Why so?" Severus raised his eyebrows. "I was under the impression that they wanted to adopt you. And, by the looks of the man, they too were the Potters, like you thought would never happen. So, what's so difficult about my question? Did they change their minds on the last minute, or what?"

"They didn't change their mind," said Remus softly. "I refused to accept the Adoption Charm from them... I promised not to leave you, and I had to keep my promise. Therefore, I refused to accept their offer."

Severus's eyes widened in genuine shock. Remus had turned down a perfect family -- to be with him? That was just, just incredible. It could not be true. I had to be not true.

*

I don't ask you anything,

Yet you'd give up everything

Just to be

Here with me.

*

The Slytherin shook his head as if to clear his thoughts. However, they were still just a mix of miss-matched emotions and motivations. He was shocked that Remus had refused to accept the Potters' offer -- and at the same time, he was delighted that his friend had stayed with him. It was just unbelievable.

That wasn't right. Remus should have got a new family, he certainly deserved that, as there was no kinder and more friendly person than he was. If he had turned the offer down just to be with Severus, then it was Severus's fault that he hadn't got what he well deserved. And that pained the dark-haired boy more than anything else could have done, for he'd never wanted to hurt Remus.

He was not a nice person, true. In fact, he was quite nasty -- insufferable at times, at least to anybody but Remus. However, to Remus, he'd always been nice. The small boy had been the only one besides his mother who had ever accepted him, and Severus accepted Remus in return. And when he did admit some positive feelings to anybody, he held to them with a passion. Never he'd doubted his right and need to care for Remus, not even when the Marauders had taunted him and Remus stayed quiet.

Now, however, his caring for the werewolf had probably destroyed the only true chance at happiness Remus might get in his life. Severus, at least, could get a good job once he got out of the orphanage, he certainly had enough mind for that. Remus, however, while at least as clever as Severus if not more, was a werewolf. With no full human status and no caring family, he would not get far. Knowing this, Severus felt bad -- felt bad because it was now his fault that Remus's future had been destroyed.

*

I do not want to do bad,

Anything that makes you sad;

Yet I do:

I love you.

*

Maybe he should ask if the Potters' offer was still open. And if it was, he could start being nasty to Remus. He could call him a fool for not accepting, tell that he didn't really care if Remus kept his promise or not, that he in fact would have preferred the werewolf to leave. There was only one thing preventing him: He couldn't bring himself to do it. He, Severus Snape, who took pride in his ability to be nasty to everyone and anyone, was unable to drive his best friend away from himself, even if it was for Remus's own good.

*

I should drive you away

Yet my heart wants you to stay

And this is all I can say:

*

"You should have accepted," Severus said quietly, and meant it. Remus would have deserved a better future, much more so than Severus himself. There was no reason why Remus couldn't have accepted, not really. Only that Severus didn't want to be left alone. If Remus left and became a Potter, there would soon be four Marauders taunting him, not three. And that was the last thing he wanted.

No, not the last thing. The last thing he wanted was that Remus left him at all. He had nobody else in his life but the werewolf, and he didn't want Remus to leave, even though he knew it would be for his best and only friend's own good. No, Severus was too emotional, and too selfish. He wanted Remus to himself.

*

Give me your hand,

I'll lead you through the rain.

Give me your hand,

And take away my pain.

*

"Don't worry," Remus said with his trademark soothing smile. "I said them why I couldn't accept. They said that they'd try to arrange some of their friends to adopt you, so I wouldn't be abandoning you. They said this woman really likes everyone," he then said defensively, seeing Severus's disbelieving expression.

"Whatever," the other boy snapped. "Even people who usually do like everyone hate me at first sight. I can't do anything about it, Remus. I'm just naturally hateable." He smirked dryly. "But you have to accept."

"I don't have to do anything," the werewolf replied lightly. He did know, however, that Severus was right. It would have taken a saint to accept Severus as one's own son. As much as he did love his friend, he had to admit that people very rarely liked Severus -- if ever. But, he would not leave Severus alone. Even if he'd been offered the best family in the world, he knew that he couldn't be really happy without Severus.

Therefore, he would stay an orphan. He would live through his life, become an outcast, and never complain, because that was what he had to pay for being with Severus. It was what he was ready to pay.

*

Give me your hand,

It's all I'll ever need

To be happy...

*

Severus shook his head disbelievingly. "You are a saint to want to stay with somebody like me, Remus," he muttered. "And as a saint, you would deserve a family. I, however, am anything but that." Shaking his head again, he then sighed. "Come on, let's go inside," he said. "You get too little to eat anyway, it'll do no good if we're late from dinner. You know that if we're late, we won't get anything."

"I do know," Remus admitted quietly. He took his book from the ground and tucked it in his armpit. Then he started to follow Severus inside. Once in the dining room, he sat there next to Severus, and accepted his far-too-little-for-a-werewolf portion from the nurse without a single complaint. He did frown, however, when he saw Severus moving some of his own food to his plate, but didn't say anything, nor did he return the food to the Slytherin. Anybody saying a word in the table would have to leave immediately, finished with eating or not, and giving Severus's food back would have been no use, as it'd been returned to him anyway. Well, he had to admit that Severus could deal with a lot less food than he.

After the silent meal -- well, silent aside from the clatter of the cutlery and the occasional dropped spoon from the smaller children -- they moved to the small sitting room of the older children. The others didn't pay any attention to the two friends as they started to play chess in one corner of the room. It wasn't a Wizard's Chess, as there were also Muggle children in the orphanage, no, it was just a Muggle game. Still, they were enjoying it, as it gave their minds some work and also an excellent excuse to talk.

*

I am too dark for your light

You should have all strength and might

Yet with me

You will be.

*

Oh, they did know the rumours that were moving around the orphanage. They felt it in the nurses' gazes on their backs, heard it from the whispered discussions that were immediately stopped when they came near, saw it in the other orphans' eyes. Everybody thought that they were a gay couple. After all, they always stuck up to each other, no matter what, and slept in the same room. In the same bed, even, occasionally, no matter how many times the nurses punished them about it. There was nothing sexual in their relationship, however -- this undeniably suspicious sleeping arrangement was just a solution to the constant nightmares that burdened both from time to time. Lying next to a friend nothing was as scary as alone.

The rumours hadn't started until the previous summer. Neither of them knew if the reason was the fact that they'd grown old enough to be considered sexual beings, or if it was only because they'd been moved to a new orphanage yet again. Either way, they nowadays had to find excuses for spending their time together. Sure, it did seem ridiculous that you couldn't talk to a friend without doing homework or playing chess or something, but they still did it. If it kept both the nurses and other older orphans from whispering, "Queer," every time they walked by side by side, they were only glad to do that.

So, their game of chess working as an excuse for them to be so near to each other in public, they talked further about the Potters' offer to Remus. Severus seriously did not believe that anybody would be willing to adopt him, but he was wholeheartedly encouraging Remus to accept the offer of a true family. Remus, while just as convinced that Severus couldn't be adopted, was not willing to leave his friend behind.

"Merlin knows what these prejudiced dunderheads might do," he muttered, glancing at the biggest boys nearby, all of whom were often openly aggressive towards the "queers." Nothing could convince them of the fact that Remus and Severus weren't together, and only the fact that they never went around without the other somewhere nearby kept them from being beaten.

Of course they could have got other friends. Remus was certainly kind and friendly enough to make friends with anybody -- if the nurses only allowed that to a werewolf -- but he would not abandon Severus, and Severus scared everybody away. And Severus, while not a really friend person, was just the kind of a boy who usually had a group of bootlickers around them, bossy and nasty, one you didn't want to be on your bad side. However, he stubbornly stayed as Remus's friend, and that made him a target instead of a leader.

But, while they both would have undoubtedly had at least a bit easier life if they hadn't been so close, nothing was changed. They'd been together that far, ever since they'd been three. They would still stay together, no matter what lies all prejudiced nurses and bullies told about them.

*

I still cannot understand:

Why beside me you would stand?

Unless you

Love me, too.

*

At last their game ended in Severus's victory. Remus, who had already known halfway through the game that he'd lose, sighed and stood up. "I think it's about the time we go to sleep," he said.

"As I won the game, does that mean that you'll agree with me and accept the Potters' offer?" asked Severus, raising an eyebrow. "Or what do I have to do to make you get adopted?"

"You can't make me do that," replied Remus calmly. "I'm not leaving you alone here, Severus. Merlin knows that those bastards would kill you." He glanced at the few queer-haters nearby. Every and each one of them was watching them hatefully, convinced that they engaged in some perverse actions every night in their shared room. There wasn't any way to make them believe otherwise, that much they both knew.

So, not paying another thought to them, they went to their room. However, despite their usual watchfulness, they failed to notice an evil glint in the older boys' eyes as they left the room.

As soon as they entered their room, however, they noticed that something was really wrong. The last beams of sunlight from their tiny window made something on the floor shine, like pieces of mirror. A closer glance showed them that these numerous tiny objects were fragments of crystal. A very particular crystal object.

*

I should drive you away

Yet my heart wants you to stay

And this is all I can say:

*

"No," whispered Severus. "They cannot have... No, I don't believe it! Why did they do it? Why would they ever do it?" He knelt down on the floor, carefully starting to collect the crystal shreds on the floor. Remus started to help him, not saying a word.

The crystal statue had been one of Severus's most treasured possessions. It was the only thing his mother had let him have when she'd taken him to the orphanage to keep him safe from his father. The statue had pictured a woman carrying a child, a gentle expression on her face. When they'd been little, they had often fallen asleep just staring at the statue, both imagining that it was their mother carrying them, and not just some nameless woman and a nameless baby. But it was not so -- they were both orphans, not through their parents' death but through being abandoned.

However, that statue had pretty much kept them, and especially Severus, sane during all their years of being tossed from one orphanage to another. They were certain that it had some kind of magic to keep them together, no matter what the orphanages decided to do with them. It had also been the only proof Severus had that somebody had truly loved him, somewhere, sometime. Remus didn't have even that much, only a broken necklace he'd got from his grandmother.

Severus's statue was the centre of their lives, however ridiculous that might sound. When they'd been little -- they'd done many foolish things when they'd been little -- they had sometimes thought that it would suddenly turn into a real woman, a real woman who would take them away from the orphanage and give them a real home. The statue had never changed, and they had a long time ago given up hoping that somebody would adopt them, but the statue was still there, reminding them of that childish hope that somebody might care, that somebody might love. They knew that nobody ever could or would, but it was nice to hope, sometimes, when candlelight flickered on the crystal statue during the long nights they spent whispering quiet things to each other, or just sitting next to each other in a comfortable silence.

And now, somebody had broken the statue. They had broken the only thing Severus had had to tie him to his past, the only thing that represented hope to them both.

Even though Remus did his best to stop it, he felt hot, salty tears rolling down his cheeks as he collected the crystal pieces into his hands, oblivious to the many cuts and scratches he got as he did so.

*

Give me your hand,

I'll lead you through the rain.

Give me your hand,

And take away my pain.

*

When they had got all the tiny fragments collected, Severus carefully slipped them into a leather pouch, one which he then tied on a piece of string and hung around his neck. Then, he turned towards Remus.

"I cannot take this anymore, Remus," he whispered quietly. "I just cannot... I have to get out of here, now. We have to get out of here. There's no way I could stay here for longer, and there's no way I'd leave you behind." Then he added bitterly, "Unless you want to go to your family, of course."

"No, I don't!" said Remus immediately, not even considering that. "I want to stay with you, Severus, you know that. Wherever you go, I go. Whatever you do, I do." Then, a frown appearing on his face, he said, "What shall we do, though? We cannot just run away, they'd immediately find our magical traces. And we couldn't survive without magic, anyway -- but we are far from being of age."

*

Give me your hand,

It's all I'll ever need.

Give me your hand...

*

"Then we have to make sure they won't find our magical traces," said Severus, his eyes glowing with the Slytherin cunning he had. "You see... The magical imprints of dead are automatically cleared from the Ministry's registries."

"What do you mean?" asked Remus warily. He usually did not like the outcome whenever Severus's eyes glowed like that. And he had a sinking feeling that he would not like this one, either.

"I mean," replied the Slytherin simply, "that we have to die." Then, as he saw Remus's shocked expression, he let out a sharp, haughty laugh. "Not really, of course, my dear simple Gryffindor," he said with a sharp tone. "But, they have to think that we are dead. Making them think that is the tricky part, getting out of here is not."

"Then how can we make them believe that?" asked Remus disbelievingly. He knew that Severus was good at making twisted plans, but this seemed to be a too big bite even for his friend.

"Have some trust in me, will you?" snapped Severus back. "Trust me, Remus, tomorrow morning our death will be all over the newspapers... and this time tomorrow, we'll be far from this horrible place."

*