Letters to the Darkness

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Why I haven't told any of you already? Because I'm afraid. I'm afraid you'd try to turn me off from the direction I'm going to - something you'd surely do. You'd talk to me, try to prove me how many people there are who care about me, who are worried about me, who love me.

Guess what? I don't think I care anymore.

I don't care how many people there are who love me. I know very many. I know you'll all be hurt by my decision. You'll be insulted that I didn't trust you before, that I couldn't tell any of you. But I know you'd be hurt even more if I stayed, and you found it out later. Because I can't tell it to anybody face to face. I'm not able to do that.

*^^*^^*^^*

Please, I ask you, go away.

Let me be, do as I say.

Believe me, I love you so,

Sometimes "to love" means "to let go".

*^^*^^*^^*

Professor Lupin,

Thank you.

I know this sounds ridiculous, but the first thing I could think about saying in this letter is just that. Thank you, for everything you've done to me.

If you were here, you'd most probably give me your familiar, soft laughter, and tell me not to call you professor Lupin, but Remus, or Moony.

But can I really help myself? Even after everything that has happened, everything we've experienced together, I can't even think about calling you by your first name. And why? Because I can't help but look up to you.

I could never call you an equal. You'll always be above me in my mind, my teacher, my mentor, my respected protector and guardian. After my parents died in that car crash and you took the custody over me, I could even less call you Remus, no matter how much you insisted it. Your position as my guardian only confirmed what I'd always known: You were - and are - above me, in every means I could think about. You're more powerful, more intelligent, more forgiving, more compassionate...

More human...

And, most definitely, you're more loved than I could ever be.

You taught me a lot of things, things I didn't even see I'd learned until now. When you held me after my parents' death, allowing me to cry on your shoulder, you taught me that I wasn't an adult yet, that I had the right to be a child in the middle of war also. And like a child I clung on you, the only solid point in the stormy life I was living, the only one I could trust not to go away or betray me or lie to me. You always told me the truth, professor Lupin, never those lies and half-truths the others gave to me.

When you again let me cry on you after Charlie had died on my arms, after I'd lost the only person I truly loved in life, you taught me that even adults have the right to feel, to cry, to be hurt. I'd before learned that not an adult was perfect, but you also taught me that not an adult had to be perfect, either. That feelings are what make us humans, that even the "grownups" can break down and be sad, that no one is unbreakable and no one has to be.

That was what I tried to be - unbreakable. Invincible. I wanted to be like a stone wall, unaffected by anything, considering all with logic and sense from a safe distance. That's the way I am - never willing to show my weakness, never ready to admit I'm wrong, never able to allow something just be without seeking an explanation for it. And you showed me that it was impossible - or possible, but fateful. You reminded how I'd always been horrified by the cold, unfeeling manner in which Severus did everything, and told me that that was what I was currently trying to achieve.

There it is, the proof of my feelings. Severus. I'm calling by his first name the teacher I used to hate desperately, yet I cannot say your given name alone. Why? Because I respect you too much. Because I don't want to drag you down to where I am, for I see you far above myself.

You're the only adult ever I haven't found imperfect. The only adult I've not been disappointed at, lost my trust on - excluding that moment of madness in the Shrieking Shack, been let down by, or lied to by. You're the only one I still see as some higher being, being everything that I want to be and what I can never become.

You're the only one I find more than a human.

I know the others blame you for doing this. I don't, for I know you had to have some ultimate motives for doing what you did. You never did anything without good reasons, and I believe you had good reasons for this, also. The only thing I don't understand, and the only thing I want to know, is what those reasons are.

It's kind of funny, actually. I never thought of you as a suicidal type.

Life must go on, like you so many times told me. I'm going to marry Fred, who's also lost the only one he loved. He's nearest to Charlie I'll ever get, and I'm the nearest to his love he'll ever get. There's no that kind of love between us, we're both aware of that. The only thing between us is a friend-like love and respect, which may, by the time, grow to something more - but never enough to make us forget our former lovers.

I'll marry him, I'll take his name, I'll carry his children, I'll grow old with him. And all the time I'll be wishing it was Charlie on his place, just like I know he's going to hope it wasn't me on his side. But, as our first changes to happiness have been destroyed forever, all we can do is to grasp on the second best.

Just like you taught to me.

Tomorrow is going to be better than today, I know that. I may not believe in God, but I believe in you.

And you said there's always hope.

*Hermione Granger

Soon-to-be Weasley*

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I'm sorry, Hermione. I know you've looked up to me - something I'll probably never be able to understand - and that what I'm going to do will most probably greatly disappoint you. I've tried to be the best mentor, friend, and a guardian I can. I hope it's been enough.

And I desperately hope you won't take after my exemplar in the ways of solving problems, no matter how invincible they seem to be. You are a strong young witch, Hermione. You've been through too much to follow my lead. But I know you're also too intelligent to do anything like that - to ever be as stupid as I am. I trust you, Hermione, to keep up the sensible thinking in the group of my friends.

However, I also trust you to remember that everything doesn't make sense, and everything doesn't have to make sense. Or is it logical that I had to get this -

I can't tell it. Merlin, I can't. I want to, but it's so hard... It's so hard to tell it to you.

Promise me, Sirius, that even after finding out what I have to say, you won't cry for me. I don't deserve it. I'm not worth of your tears. I'm worth of no one's tears, but especially not yours. I don't deserve your love, Sirius.

I don't deserve you.

What else have I given you but pain? Always, always pain and troubles. Nothing else.

*^^*^^*^^*

Please, I ask you, go away.

Please, leave alone, please, not stay.

I love too much to want you cry.

I love too much to make you mine.

*^^*^^*^^*

You asked if I was ill, Severus. Well, now you'll get your reply.

I am ill. I'm terribly ill. In fact, I can't imagine any worse disease - besides my Lycanthropy, which isn't a disease at all, but a horrible curse.

I have Leukemia. Blood cancer, if you prefer that term. By any name, by any term, it's something we can't fight against. No Muggles, no Wizards. It's invincible, and it'll slowly kill me.

It's even more horrible to me, because I'm a werewolf. The curse is in our blood, in our veins. Just where Leukemia hits.

I know what'll happen to me now on. The Lycanthropy and Leukemia will fight against each other in my blood. No matter what happens, I'll die in the progress. Die through suffering, through unimaginable pain, slowly, but quicker than those with only the disease.

I don't know if I'm fortunate or unfortunate.

I don't want it. Call me weak, call me a coward if you wish, but I can't face it. I've been through enough pain in my life already. Every full moon since I was four, I've been ripped in pieces and put back together. One would think I'm familiar with pain. Well, I am. I can bear a pretty reasonable amount of it.

But that doesn't mean I'd want it.

I don't want to suffer any more. I don't want to see you suffer, any of you. Especially not you, Sirius. I love you with all my heart. And I know you'd suffer, seeing me sliding away slowly, so slowly. And I don't want it. I don't want you to suffer for me. I'm not worth of it.

I don't know why I'm doing this. Won't I only hurt you more by this? Probably, probably not. But you'll get over it. You'll all get over it. And then you'll be better than if I'd stayed.

*^^*^^*^^*

Please, I ask you, go away.

I love too much to be said.

And my love is hurting one,

I hate myself for what I've done.

*^^*^^*^^*

Remus, Remus,

my only love ever,

I apologize for ever doubting your motives.

We found your letter, Remus. We found it today. I can't believe we didn't notice it before - not until the day before your funeral.

Fuck, I hate myself, Remus. If I'd only known... I'd surely been able to help you. If I had only noticed! I could have done something, something to make you feel better. Something to show you there are always options.

Oh, damn. Now I'm telling just that stuff you told in the letter you were afraid of hearing. Well, I don't care, love. You can tell me not to blame myself just as many times as you please, and that doesn't stop me from doing that. You know it. I'm like that because I love you, Remus.

Why you didn't let me love you more when you were still here?

We've all written letters to you, Remus, like you always wanted. They'll all be burned in the ceremony tomorrow, so you can read them in the Heaven.

I'm sure you're in the Heaven. I'll probably end in the Hell, but your place has been in Heaven from the day you were born as surely as Harry's place was in Hogwarts.

There are many things in my life I regret. Mistrusting you on the most important moment, for example. Even more I regret trusting Peter rather than you. I regret running after him, making him able to frame me for those murders. I regret not being there when Harry needed me. I regret not proposing to you earlier.

But most of all, Remus, I regret not telling you enough, "I love you."

I love you. I love you. I love you, Remus, with everything in me.

Remember how you tried to count the stars when we were young? You couldn't count them. We decided together they're endless. Nowadays we know they aren't - that there are about six thousands of them seen by a bare eye - but I still sometimes think that there's an infinite amount of them.

Think that every one of those infinite stars is a "I love you" from me to you. Even that isn't enough, but it's better than nothing.

I hope you'd let me love you more, Remus.

I hope you hadn't left me yet.

*Sirius Black*

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The silver knife is ready. I'll use it right after I've written this letter. Because the knife is silver, it'll work even if it misses the goal. I'll die, quick and without too much pain.

And then it'll all be over.

My friends, Harry, Severus, Hermione, Ronald...

Thanks to you all for being with me for so long. For standing up for me, when everyone else was against me. Believing in me, when everyone else doubted me. Telling me everything, when everyone else mistrusted me. Loving me, when everyone else hated me.

I know I'm now going to betray it all. All trust, all support, all love I've received from you. And believe it or not, I'm sorry. I apologize for causing you this much sorrow and pain. But believe me, it's better than the only other option.

Don't blame yourself, Sirius - I know you'll do. It's nothing under your power what I decide to do or to leave undone.

I wonder if you remember that old ceremony I always adored - writing letters to the dead one and then burning them in the funeral with a ceremony to send them to the one who's gone. I always joked I'd want to have that done in my funeral. You always laughed and said that you'd be far gone when I'd be buried, if you only could have effect on it in any way. And then you'd tell me everything face to face in whatever place we would end to.

You haven't died yet, Sirius. Do me a favour and don't do it for some time. Find someone other to love. Enjoy your life, Sirius, because I love you and I want you to be happy. If you spent the rest of your life mourning, I'd be very unhappy.

If you committed a suicide to follow me, I'd be even more unhappy. I don't want you to die, Sirius. Not yet. You have still time - something I don't have. Use your time of life well, my love. Use it for both you and me, because mine was so much shorter than people's usually.

I feel so guilty writing something like that. I had a long and eventful life compared to many other people's. Compared to James's and Lily's, for example.

I hope I'll meet them there, wherever I'm going to. And then we'll together wait for you all - and don't you dare to come too soon, Sirius, or I'll be very, very disappointed.

Sirius, my lover, my husband, the light of my life... I love you. I love you with all my heart, all my soul, all my body, all my being. I love you more than the life itself, because even when I'm ready to give up the life, I'd never give up you, if there was an option for me.

I'm sorry there isn't. At least there's nothing I could ever accept.

I love you, Sirius.

I hope I could have been with you for longer time.

*Remus Black

former Remus Lupin

Aka Moony*

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Please, I ask you, forget me.

Never come back, never see.

What I've done, I've done for love.

Please, go and get better one.

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