Letters to the Darkness

Letters to the Darkness

.:¤"¤:.

Remus,

My love of life.

I miss you so damn much. I just want to have you here with me, to hold you, to wrap my arms around you, to keep you near to me forever.

I don't cry. Tears won't come, no matter how much I'm longing for them. It would be so much easier to me, if I only was able to cry for you, like Harry does. But I can't. I've lost my ability to cry, I lost it in Azkaban, when I was dead to everyone else in the world.

In Azkaban my soul died. You made it live again. You made me live again, blew life into that soulless, heartless excuse of a man I was. You made me alive, you made me complete. You shared my name, you shared my life, you shared my heart. My soul.

Now I'm without you... And I'm dying from the inside.

Come back, Remus. Come back to me. I beg you.

Everything reminds me of you. When I first wake up in the morning, you aren't there, lying next to me. When I eat, you aren't there to laugh at my odd taste of food. Whenever I walk outside, I miss your familiar form that used to walk next to me. When I'm sitting with others at night, you aren't there to snuggle up in my lap, falling asleep on my arms in front of the fireplace.

Your scent has faded away from my pillow. When I'm falling asleep, the bed is empty and cold. I have no one to hold, no one to love, no one to warm me when I'm cold and sad. You were everywhere, always, and now you aren't.

Now I'm alone.

What made you do that, Remus? Why couldn't you talk to us at first? You only left us, without saying a single word. Not any reasons, no explanations. Only knowledge that you had left us.

I didn't know at first that you had gone. When I went to the bed and you hadn't arrived yet I thought something was holding you back and I'd wake up next to your warm little body, I would wake up with your slim, yet strong arms around my neck, the sound of your breathing echoing in the darkness.

Little did I know that I'd never again wake up with you. Fall asleep with you. Touch you. Talk with you.

Congratulations, Remus. You've done the impossible. I'm crying now, believe it or not. And it's only for you.

Teardrops are making this letter damp. I have to finish this before it's messed up and I have to start again. If I'd start again, I'd never get the letter written.

I'm crying for you, Remus. Wherever you are on this moment, whatever you're doing - remember that people are crying for you. And people love you, no matter what you did.

I love you, Remus Black. Merlin help my heart, but I do. I've always done, and I still do. No matter what you did - left us, broke my heart, made my whole world shatter into tiny, tiny pieces that can't be fixed - no matter what you did, I can't stop loving you.

Circe, Remus, why? Why did you do it? You knew it was wrong. That we'd all miss you, blame you, feel sorry for you. You knew there was an option, and still you chose the darkness.

I love you, Remus Black, the man who's carrying my name, and I'll forever love you. I don't care what the others say, I still love you.

Come back, Remus. I love you.

I love you so damn much...

*Sirius Black*

*^^*^^*^^*

Sirius, my love,

and all you others,

I don't want to write this letter. It isn't easy to write at all. I know you'll all probably hate me after reading this, and I can't blame you - I can't blame you at all.

You've maybe noticed that something has been disturbing me for a while.

You at least have, Sirius. You asked what was wrong with me. I didn't reply, I changed the topic, gently enough to not make you suspect anything. I didn't reply, because I didn't know even myself.

Now I know. Oh, Merlin, how I wish I didn't. That I didn't have to break you these news.

*^^*^^*^^*

I love only you,

And I'll forever love,

I'll never forget you,

Please, forget what I've done.

*

Love makes you always cry,

She makes you always dream.

She makes you always try

To catch a bright moon beam.

*^^*^^*^^*

Remus Black,

You bloody bastard,

Damn you.

I hate you. I despise you more than you can imagine, because you did this. Did this to me, to Sirius, to everyone.

Why?

I'd never waited anything like this from you. You, the boy perfect. Every teacher's dream student and, eventually, every student's dream teacher. You knew everything. You were good at everything you only bothered trying. You almost never dismanaged in anything.

Now you did. You messed everything up and broke my life. My heart is shattered in pieces, and it's your fault.

This is all your fault. Black is wandering around like a restless ghost, and it's your fault.

Harry has cried his eyes red every night, and it's your fault as well.

Young Miss Granger has lost her strong trust in magic and our kind's ability to solve anything. Weasley girl doesn't wear anything but black, and she doesn't eat anything. Dumbledore is depressed, of all the people in the world. Everyone is speaking with hushed voice, and no one dares to mention your name. Your fault, your fault, your fault.

Everything is your fault.

Why, Remus? Why so?

Why did you leave us alone? Why did you go? Why couldn't you be with us, stay here for Black, who loved you more than his own life? Or for Harry, who loved you like another godfather? For every one of us, who loved you, because you were our friend?

No. You left us. You betrayed us. Betrayed Black, betrayed Harry, betrayed me, betrayed everyone.

Tsk, Mr. Lupin. Not a very nice thing to do.

You once asked me why I couldn't call Black by his first name. I told you that all those years he was believed to be a traitor, I couldn't call him anything but Black. When his name was cleared, I just couldn't go around calling him Sirius, like you asked me to do.

Should I now talk about another Black? Should I forget your name completely?

I can't. Merlin help my soul, but I can't, Remus. I want to think that somehow you're still with us. That you didn't leave us.

Harry misses you, just like he'd miss Black. You were there even when Black wasn't. You were the first one of his father's friends he knew. He trusted you before he trusted anyone but his closest friends.

And now you've betrayed him. Don't you have at least some respect towards his trust?

He cries for you. Every night, when he's lying on my arms, he cries for you before he falls asleep. My chest is always wet of tears cried because of you. Every morning he wakes up, still just as tired and restless as before he went to the bed. He loved you, Remus, loved you dearly - just like every one of us did.

Why did you betray that love, Remus? Why did you do what you did?

You didn't have to. There are always options. If there was an option for me, an option to return to the light, why couldn't you do the same?

Why did you bloody bastard son of a bitch leave us?

I know it's useless to ask questions like that. I know I'll never get answers. I can only sit here, rolling these questions around in my head, forever, if I please. And yet I won't be nearer to any of the answers.

I loved you, Remus. Loved you more than you maybe even knew. Loved you with all my heart, because you were my friend, and because you were important to Harry, because Black loved you, and he is important to Harry.

Now my heart is broken, Black's eyes have lost their focus long time ago, and Harry can't do anything but cry every time something reminds him of you. For that I hate you, Remus Black, and I'd want to see you in the deepest hell of humanity.

We all loved you more than you can ever imagine, Remus. You betrayed that love.

We miss you, Moony.

Come back to us.

*Severus Snape*

*^^*^^*^^*

You noticed it also, Severus. Only few days ago, you noticed my unusual paleness. You asked if I was ill, if you could give me something to make me feel better. I said, "No, I'm fine." And you believed.

I'm surprised, Severus. I've always been an awful liar, especially to you. You always see through my lies - but this time, you didn't. Or, if you did, at least you didn't say anything.

For some time, I've been... slipping into darkness. It's surrounding me, everywhere. It's embracing me, closing me into a suffocating, tight nest there's no escape from.

I don't know if I want to escape. My whole life has been running away; from other people, or from myself. I don't want to flee any more. I'm going to face the darkness, smile to it, and step inside.

I'm going to welcome the darkness in me.

*^^*^^*^^*

I love only you,

I'll never love another,

And you know this too:

The love is sorrow's mother.

*

Love makes you always cry,

She makes you always dream.

She makes you always try

To catch a bright moon beam.

*^^*^^*^^*

Uncle Moony,

How could you?

We're so alone now. You have always been there when we needed advice, always been ready to support us. You've always helped us with your wise words and calm way to handle everything. You never panicked, Remus. You always knew what to do. When our problems seemed to be invincible, you always saw another way. You always made it all end the right way.

Why didn't you now see that the way you were going was the wrong one?

I always trusted that you could solve anything. When I was in trouble, I went to Sirius. And if he couldn't help me, I came to you. You were always the person I could turn to when I had problems no one other could solve. Everyone could always turn to you, and you always saw the answer so easily.

Why was it so difficult to you when you yourself had troubles?

Surely there would have been other ways, Uncle Moony. Better ways. You used to say there's always a way to the Light, no matter how long you've been in the Darkness. You used to say that even Lord Voldemort could have found that way, should he ever been interested in it.

Where was your way to light, Moony? And why didn't you want to find it?

How can I ever again believe in anything you've told me? How can I know that you didn't lie to me?

I don't know what I should say. I'm feeling so many things right now. Upset, and betrayed, most certainly. I'm also shocked, of course. Everyone is - you were the last one we'd ever thought to do anything like this.

I hope this letter reaches you, no matter where you are. I hope there'd be a way to me to get your reply, but I guess there isn't. I can only hope, hope that you're not lost for forever.

But in my heart I know that you'll never return.

I'm even more determined to fight the Dark now. Now, when I know exactly how much it can hurt people.

You've hurt us, Uncle Moony. Hurt us so badly. I'm crying constantly now, I don't seem to be able to stop. Severus doesn't say anything, but I know he's very upset. And Sirius... He looks like he didn't feel anything any more.

I still can't believe you've actually done that.

But I forgive you.

*Harry Potter*

*^^*^^*^^*

I think it's always been in me. Peering over my shoulder, sitting behind my ear, hiding under my cloak. It's whispering into my ear, telling me to do this, to ignore that, to say these words, to forget those.

I've tried to ignore it as well as I can. Sometimes I even think I've managed to make it leave. But every, every single time, it has returned, always even stronger than before.

The darkness.

Werewolves are dark creatures. You all know that very well. We're more inclined to depression than other people - whether it's due to our dark side or our condition itself, I don't know. We're also more inclined to suicidal experiments than other people.

And we're more inclined to the Dark Arts.

*^^*^^*^^*

I love only you,

I'll love you to my death,

This I ask for you:

Merlin help you forget.

*

Love makes you always try

To get the silver beam.

You make me quiet cry,

You, my fragile daydream.

*^^*^^*^^*