Trying to Find Myself

Chapter One

It was the beginning of a new year for Ron. It was his sixth year. He was Harry Potter's best friend. The guy happened to be the all-time good guy hero. Ron sometimes got upset that there was never any credit his way when he helped, but he liked to think he was used to it.

Ron had discovered a part about himself and Harry that he never knew existed. Hermione and Harry were meant to be together but that was only obvious to him about the day before, as a matter of fact. Harry and he were gay. That had scared Ron at first. Ron wasn't an intimate guy and, well, being with a guy was worse in Ron's mind. Harry was actually a bit more than that. Harry was bisexual. Fun!

Well, Harry and Ron tried it out together. It didn't work too well. Something about that summer had changed all of them. The trio was affected. Hermione scared him. She had somehow lost her mind. It might have been the fact that Harry liked guys, although that didn't stop her from some things. Harry, ever since Sirus had died, well, figured this out about himself. It might have been that he simply became that way, but then again, Ron didn't understand how someone became or simply was gay.

Some people were accepting and some weren't. His parents freaked out. Arthur, his father, was wired and muttering "bloody Hell" for a couple of days, but his mother, Molly, was somewhat okay with it. They had thought Percy was gay. Turned out, one of their kids was, just not Percy. Fred and George went on prank-fests around him but eventually backed off. Ginny, well, he couldn't be sure about her. She kind of didn't really let anyone know.

One person was so supportive that it scared him. That person understood too. As a matter of fact, that person was willing to be with him, gave him a try. Ron wondered if it was even possible that he was falling in love with that person. Then again, it kind of made him laugh to think that, if it was known, that person and Ron would go down in the Hogwarts: A History for being the first gay prefects ever and to be on "opposing forces."

Ron looked up. He looked in the direction of that person. It was December at Hogwarts; snow was falling and people were merry including Ron.

Ron looked across the Great Hall. The boy ate his food and joked with his friends. Ron looked down at his hand and rubbed it. Sexy Arm... Hermione had said that but the boy he looked at made him feel enchanted, made him laugh. "Weasley, you may have a sexy arm, but I had a sexy bod!" Draco had said. "Yes. Yes you do," Ron had replied. The Astronomy tower had been full last night so they took the broom closet. Draco had even killed a spider for him. Ron smiled and rubbed his arm yet again.

He sighed and Ginny pinched him.

"Ron, stop dreaming!" she exclaimed.

"No," he said absently. "I am not!"

She laughed and Draco looked over. He smiled at Ron. He folded a sheet of paper after he scribbled something on it. It was in the shape of a crane. Draco placed it in his palms and blew it towards Ron. Ron subconsciously reached out for it before it came. His eyes half-fluttered shut. Ginny caught it. She giggled and flashed a smile at Draco. Ron fumed. He reached out to grab it. She laughed and moved away.

"Give it!" he cried like a little girl.

She giggled.

"No!" she laughed.

He slapped her and crossed his arms while Fred and George were trying to decide whether to laugh or yell at him.

"You're mean!" he cried.

While she felt her face, he snatched it from her. Draco watched all of this and was extremely amused by the display. I AM the prettiest person in this school!

Ron opened it slowly, standing up and walking out the door.

Dear Ron,

Meet me in the dungeons after Potions. I think the wall is looking like the excellent place for... well... you know. You know you wanna come! Plus, if it makes you feel better, you are my first...

-Passionately yours, Draco

Ron blushed and it was his turn to giggle fiercely. I am LOVED! Yes, way-to-go, Ron.

Ron was so busy looking up rather than down that he almost fell. Draco laughed from behind him as he walked by with Pansy, Crabbe, and Goyle and pretended that he hated Ron.

Snape bickered during Potions but Ron seemed totally unaffected. He did not even get upset when he got detention for dissolving his cauldron.

Ron walked across the hall and waited for Draco...

****

Draco walked into the dungeon room after he ditched his "buds." Ron waited for him like a student sitting in one of the desks. He got up and Draco couldn't help but stare. If it had been a cartoon, his mouth would have dropped down to the floor.

"Are you wearing a nightgown, Weasley?" Draco asked astonished.

Ron slipped off the sleeves and the gown fell.

Not anymore," Ron exclaimed.

Draco half-grinned.

"That's the way I like them," Draco said. ...I think...

Ron sat down on the desk and Draco walked forward. His hand slid onto Ron's neck. Ron's head tilted back. Draco laughed to himself because of how easily he could make someone stir. He kissed Ron. Ron wrapped his arms around Draco.

"You have too many clothes on," Ron complained, trying to undo Draco's belt.

Draco stopped him.

"I like it that way," Draco said.

"Aw!" Ron complained and Draco gave in...

****

Draoc's eyes fluttered open. He was still in Ron's arms. He had missed Herbology and Ron, Divinations, but oh well. There was someone else in the room. Sitting up in the "bed" that was made of their clothes, he saw someone watching him.

"What are you doing here, Potter?" he asked.

The boy flinched.

"What are you doing with Ron?" Harry demanded.

"Making out with him. What does it look like?' he asked.

"Sleeping with him..." Harry mumbled.

"OK," Draco said. "Maybe a little bit of both but why can't a guy like me have fun especially when he is so bloody hot!"

Harry said nothing. His green-eyed stare scared Draco.

"Go be with Hermione!" Draco exclaimed, thinking of nothing quite witty to say.

"I was with Ron first!" Harry cried.

"Go be Bi somewhere else, then!" Draco exclaimed.

Ron woke up and placed his "sexy" arm on Draco's shoulder. He tried to pull Draco back down. Draco resisted, still staring evilly at Harry.

"GO away!" Ron cried like a little girl, trying but not managing to pull up some of the clothes to hide his chest although he had nothing but a lousy four-pack that was barely there. "I don't wanna be with you anymore!"

Harsh, Ron, harsh... Harry's expression became one that was depressed and gloomy.

"I'll just go kill myself then!" he exclaimed.

"Good job, Potter!" Draco proclaimed.

Ron looked after Harry with concern. Some of it rubbed off on Draco as he looked into his lover's eyes. He caressed Ron's shoulder.

"It will be okay!" Draco said reassuringly. "He just wants you to follow him! I can make you feel better."

Ron managed a smile. His eyes fluttered shut and rested his head on Draco's shoulder.

****

Ron looked at his homework. It said: Use the following ingredients to make a mesmerizing potion: Dungus Root, Arrow Stalks, Cabbage leaves, an Osprey feather, Lizard eyes, Hair of banshee, and Newt Tongue. All Ron saw was: Dungus Root, Arrow Stalks, Cabbage leaves, an Osprey feather, Lizard eyes, Hair of banshee, and Newt Tongue. which was DRACO is HotT.

He couldn't concentrate at all. The portrait swung open.

"That password is too old!" Not original at all!" A familiar voice smirked.

Ron turned to see Draco. Luckily, Hermione was in the Library with Harry. Everyone else was asleep so they didn't know.

"Draco, Hermione and Harry will be back any minute!" Ron whined.

"Please, Malfoy sounds so much more sexier when you say it in that voice!" Draco remarked.

"Bloody Hell!" they heard.

Ron and Draco turned towards the stairs to the boys' dormitory. Seamus Finnigan stood at the bottom.

"Oh yes, Finnigan!" Draco exclaimed. "I do believe he wanted some action about ten years ago! With a face like that, I CAN!" Draco exclaimed.

Ron giggled and "fell" onto Draco's shoulder, giggling helplessly.

****

"Hermione!" the boy whined. "He was... with someone else!"

Hermione ran her fingers down his chest in a walking motion.

"It's okay," she said, trying to let him realize he was with her.

"I want to kill him!" Harry exclaimed, staring at the ceiling.

"Yes, let us kick his arse," Hermione relied. "As long as I get to keep his sexah arm!"

Harry looked at her blankly.

****

He felt the heat in the closed-in space. Almost every embrace made a moan escape from Ron's mouth.

"Turn over," Draco whispered in his ear. "I want to experiment!"

The new experience was seared into Ron's brain although he didn't actually see it happen...

****

Harry ogled himself in the mirror. He thought himself rather dashing in black. Harry glanced at Ron's empty bed. He frowned as he thought of what he was going to do.

Harry met Hermione in the common room.

"Where should we start?" Harry asked.

Hermione shrugged.

"I guess we follow the aura of the sexah arm!" she said.

He felt a pang of jealousy. He was tired of "the arm."

They picked their way towards the library where, as they peaked around the corner, they saw Ron and Draco talking to each other. Harry tried to walk forward but Hermione didn't go so he stopped.

"I want to go out with you, sexah arm!" Hermione exclaimed subconsciously.

"You can't go out with something that can't do what I can do to you," he said.

She shook her head.

"The sexy arm is all you could ever hope to be!" she exclaimed.

Harry shook his head.

"Maybe we shouldn't have done this!" he exclaimed, shaking his head again.

Hermione grabbed his arm with a steel-like grip.

"The arm is mine!" she hissed.

"Okay!" he cried. "It's yours!"

They approached Ron and Draco. Ron hung on Draco's arm as he laughed at some joke Draco must have told him. Harry's stomach twisted in pain.

"What are you doing here, Potter?" Draco asked.

Hermione ran past Harry like an insane banshee.

"MY ARM!" she exclaimed.

She pulled at Ron's arm. She fought for what was attached to him. He cried out to Draco. Draco turned on Hermione and punched her in the face.

She began to cry.

"Why?" Harry gasped.

Draco looked at him, wrapping his arms around Ron and rocking him side-to-side.

"Chivalry is dead," Draco said. "I am the proof!"

Harry glared at Draco. He took Hermione by the arm and tried to drag her away from Draco and Ron. He might as well of carried his cousin Dudley because of the ridiculous struggle she made. Her arms flailed in front of her, which was the opposite direction, towards Ron. She whined and wailed.

He wished to cover his ears but squinted his eyes shut instead. In doing so, he tripped over Mrs. Norris, pulling down Hermione with him. She landed with an "oof!"

He heard muffled laughing from behind him and a loud, incessant yowling from beneath him. Harry rolled over, releasing himself from Hermione. The red-eyed cat glared and scampered off, most likely to Filtch.

Hermione seemed to have finally gotten the point. She slumped her shoulders, her mousy hair drooping and trailing behind her with her cloak. She slowly walked back to the Gryffindor tower.

Harry looked back as Ron and Draco said good-bye to each other. He grimaced.

"Yuck!" he said aloud.

He rubbed his arms as he returned to Gryffindor tower. I miss you...he thought.

****

Ron proceeded to the Great Hall. It was breakfast already. His wonderful time had kept him up all night. Harry refused to talk to him. Ever since yesterday, Harry had been like that. Hopefully, Harry will get over it! Ron thought.

Hermione still sat next to him. She didn't look at him or speak but occasionally rubbed her arm against his on "accident." Naïve Ron believed her. Seamus sat across and stared at him intensely. He watched silently with widened eyes. Ron didn't know how the kid could keep it up the whole time! Eventually Seamus did say something.

"How..." he said.

Ron wondered if it was a question or not. He chose not to say anything.

"Oh, poor Ron!" Fred chimed.

"Yes," George agreed. "Boy trouble."

Ron turned to his two older brothers who sat on the other side of Ginny who was sitting next to him.

"I am not! It is all just fine! Look who's talking anyway!" Ron retorted.

The twins looked at each other.

"I think you are talking about Fred," George said, "as he has no love life! Then again, at least mine is of the opposite sex!"

Fred turned to him.

"Key word, George, sex!" Fred exclaimed. "And you ain't sodding gettin' any!"

"Well, I haven't seen you shagging anyone!" George replied, after bitch-slapping him.

"So you bloody watch me to get your kicks?" Fred cried, sliding a Wizard Weezer into George's food.

"Yes and you look like an extremely fat cow trying to stand up!" George laughed.

Ron shook his head.

"You know, when I had a fight with Tom-" Ginny began before Ron cut her off.

"Tom? You and Tom were never anything!" he cried. "Plus, he nearly destroyed you!"

Ginny rolled her eyes.

"Isn't that what Draco has tried to do to you?" Ginny asked slyly.

He looked offended.

"Are you trying to tell me you have got together with that rotting corpse called You-Know-Who?" Ron exclaimed.

Everyone looked over.

"I... was... ah... talking about Seamus," he said lamely to get a quick cover. "I... ah... just didn't want to say his... ah... name! Ah yeah! That's right! His name!"

Seamus blushed as all the stares turned to him. The Slytherins turned away almost instantly as it was of no interest to them. Then, slowly, the Hugglepuffs and the Ravenclaws turned back to what they were doing leaving the Gryffindors to be the only ones staring. Every Gryffindor knew that he had been going out with a fifth year, Elizabeth, Ginny's best friend.

Elizabeth turned from Seamus to Ginny, not sure who to hate more. She "gr-ed" and left the room. Ginny glared at Ron and he winced.

He picked up his stuff and walked alone to DaDA. Hermione walked with Harry and Seamus' crowd was mad at him. He tried to walk with Neville but he was pissed at Ron too, as he had broken up with Ginny about two days ago. Neville was mad at him because Ron made him think that Ginny had gotten over him that fast even though she had.

Ron heard people jeering behind him. Soon they were all around him and a bunch of boys pushed him into a corner. They shoved him around. Tears stung in his eyes.

"You're hurting me!" he whined.

One of them laughed, the ringleader, Seamus with his hands on his hips. Ron aimed his wand at him and shouted, "Tarantallegra!" Instead of making Seamus' legs jerk, an explosion went off in front of his face. It was minor but it left a "sooted" face choking on a laugh standing in front of Ron. Seamus didn't fester with anger. He just stared.

Seamus took a dazed step forward. His eyes focused, he kicked Ron, and they walked off. Ron bit his bottom lip and sagged down the wall to the floor. His head slumped onto his shoulder and he stared into his lap.

"I see your memory isn't as bad as I would think for a Weasley!" a voice said.

Ron looked up. Draco stood over him, holding out a hand.

"Hurry!" he exclaimed. "I haven't got all sodding day!"

Ron took it and stood up.

"I remember when I used that on Potter in second year!" Draco said more to himself.

He looked at Ron.

"My father," he said slowly, "knows about us somehow."

He took something out of his pocket.

"Somehow," he continued, "they let him send this."

It was a folded half-sheet of paper. Ron opened it gingerly, more afraid of what it might contain than the person who wrote it.

Son of Muggle Trash Collector, Weasley,

I do not know how you did this to my son but leave him alone! If you don't, I will hit you with my pimp stick!

It wasn't signed and it confused Ron.

"Your father has a pimp stick?" Ron exclaimed.

Draco laughed and shook his head.

"It's a long story!" Draco exclaimed. "I just wanted you to read it but don't worry!"

He rushed off and Ron realized he was going to be late to class. Don't worry? How could Ron not worry?

Ron took a seat next to Harry, the only seat left. Like a selfish brat, Harry drew his stuff closer to himself.

The new DaDA Professor Tonks, who made quite an odd teacher walked in.

"Okay class," she said. "Turn open your books to 'Coma Injuries.' We are going to learn how to knock out a Hellhound."

****

Divinations. It was one of the classes where Draco was the favorite. The professor always told him nice things, although they were always 'in July, you shall vanquish Harry' or 'in August, you will vanquish Harry.' It was getting quite annoying. Whenever she got on his nerves and he announced it, allowing her to over hear, she usually ignored it but sometimes she didn't. She never really did tell him bad about his future.

The worst thing she had told him when she was mad at him was that he was going to start losing his hair at an early age. It didn't really matter because Draco was rich enough to buy all of the wizarding hair products in the world if he needed to to keep his hair from falling out.

He already started with the skin creams. They were many for moisturized soft skin but also to prevent wrinkles. His goal ever since he saw his grandfather had been to keep up a young face no matter how old he got.

Speaking of money, Draco realized that he needed to buy Ron a better sweater than the ones his mom makes him. Draco shivered. Maroon was the color that looked ravishing only on girls with blond to strawberry blond hair.

He acknowledged that he needed to owl his neighbor, Patricia. She always had Teen Witch Weekly where as Draco's subscription had run out. Not only was it a way to keep up with fashion but also to keep up with how many times he showed up in the magazine.

Draco remembered how the last issue had Oliver Wood in second place where as he was first. He was only ahead of Oliver by three votes. The rising quidditch player upset him. He had to have no competition. His father had to bring Draco out to more public places that literally were "the places to be."

Lunch was coming soon as was his next "visit" with Ron. He smiled to himself and began to listen as Pansy and Tessa Hamilton gossiped about peopled.

****

Hermione looked in front of her. It was there again, eager to be touched, held. She reached forward, tempted.

"Miss Granger, what are you intending to do?" Professor Tonks asked.

Hermione blushed. Ron turned around.

"What were you trying to do?" he asked in an astonished whisper.

She shyly turned to her work and said nothing. Meekly, she began to reread the chapter they were on, one of the many chapters she had read before school began for this year.

****

Lunch, Ron thought, where we eat and turn into pigs. He played with his food. This time, he sat on the far end of the table, away from everyone else. He was saddened by how his life had turned.

Draco caught his eye as Draco walked out of the rook. Ron got up and followed.

Draco was standing just outside the exit to the school. Snow was falling slowly, disappearing as they touched Draco's pale blond hair. He stood out in black robes with a green and black striped tie. He ran his fingers through his hair, turned around, and smiled at Ron, gray eyes twinkling.

"Hey," he said softly.

Ron smiled softly, almost with a lovingly look.

"Hey," he responded with a slight nod of his head.

Draco reached out his hand to Ron.

"Come for a walk with me," Draco said.

Ron took his hand and they headed for the frozen lake. Although they did not hold hands, they walked pretty close together. As the cold got to him, Ron suddenly wished he had a sweater with him. He rubbed his arms.

Draco turned to look at him. He took in every inch of Ron and laughed.

"You look like you have lice!" he exclaimed.

"Yes, and you look like a snow queen!" Ron cried, laughing along with him.

A spark passed through Draco's eyes. They stopped and faced each other.

"Well, actually, Ron, a keeper is more like a homemaker and a seeker is more like a business man. Apparently, dear, you are a keeper so you would be the snow queen. Sad thing is you don't have the good looks to go with a queen!" Draco remarked.

Ron shot him a look.

Trying not to argue about that, he said, "Why Malfoy, I do believe you just called by my first name and dear!"

Draco looked a bit to the left. He played with one of his rather short hairs.

"I do believe I just did!" Draco exclaimed, raising both of his eyebrows.

He leaned in and kissed Ron. Ron pulled him closer and wrapped his arms around Draco's waist. Draco pulled away, his eyes half-shut.

"Almost there," he said and began to walk again.

He led Ron to a pine tree that was rather large. Underneath it, there was grass untouched by snow, as the branches were so thick. Draco tried not to bump up against a branch to prevent snow from crashing down on them. Both tried to lean on the other's shoulder after they had sat down and ended up simply cocking their heads together. Draco's hand found Ron's.

"Hey," Draco said, "Do you want to come over to my house for Christmas break? You could tell your parents you are going over to a friend's house. You don't have to tell them it is me!"

Ron didn't move. He took a breath that Draco noticed was slightly strained.

"The only reason I would have for going would be you! What if your father escaped from Azkaban? He would kill me and punish you!" Ron cried.

Draco released his grip from Ron's hand and put that arm around Ron's shoulder. He pulled Ron closer.

"My father can't escape with all of those dementors around! Plus, my mother, well, she is kind of..." Draco began.

"Kind of what?" Ron asked.

"She's kind of like your mother's brother's sister-in-law," Draco said.

Ron edged away swiftly. His eyes went wide and his breathing ragged.

"Ew!" he cried.

Draco went all tense and closed his eyes for a second.

"Ron!" he cried. "Come back over here!"

He patted where Ron had previously been.

"We are not sodding blood related!" Draco continued. "Plus, your mother's sister-in-law was disowned by my mother's family. So there is another reason it is not 'ew!'"

Ron gave Draco one last frightened/disturbed look and edged back over slowly.

"So will you?" Draco asked.

"We'll see," Ron replied. "So, what do we do now?"

Draco returned his arm to its place across Ron's shoulders, behind his neck.

"Just sit with me," he said.

****

Harry watched Ron go.

"Hermione!" he whined.

She looked up.

"What?" she asked.

Harry's bottom lip quivered in fake somber.

"He's leaving!" He said.

Hermione shrugged her shoulders.

"So?" she said.

Harry got frustrated.

"Well, what about his arm?" He asked.

She blinked, took a bite of her food, and read another sentence from her book, Exotic Skirts: the "mini" version. It was one of the many romance books that were not located in the Library. It was one of Ginny's.

"Oh, that!" she exclaimed.

"Yes, that!" he cried.

"I'm boycotting it," she said calmly taking a bite of her banana and peanut butter sandwich.

This time his bottom lip quivered for real and his eyes watered.

"Hermione!" he cried.

She looked up at him, annoyed. Hermione searched his eyes.

"Do you have allergies?" she asked.

He shook his head.

"It is bloody winter!" he exclaimed.

"Oh, right, right," she said, waving her hand, and continued reading her book.

Harry snatched the book away from her.

"What is so bloody interesting about this book?" he demanded.

Hermione mumbled something through her chewing and pointed to the middle of the page she was reading.

Gwendolyn shivered as her savior walked towards her. She could feel his breath on her neck as he stood in front of her. He had run out on her before with the witch Felicity and let the evil Wizard Jared capture her. She didn't know why he wouldn't leave her again. He hiked up her skirts.

"Do you remember me?" Ferdinand asked.

Oh, she remembered all too well.

The book intoxicated him. He found himself engrossed in it. Hermione frowned and looked towards the door.

"Now I want to go after him!" she moaned.