The Jerry Springer Show

*~THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW~*

Commentator: Today, on ‘Springer'-Hogwarts Scandals: Witches Who Love Wizards, Who Don't Love Witches [Screen does the fancy whooshy thing]

Crowd: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry...

[Cheers and applause and yells come from all over the audience]

Springer: Hi and welcome to my show. Today's show is very special and I hope you learn a lot from it. Now, lets meet our first guest, Hermione Granger!

[Crowd cheers and applauds politely as Hermione walks onstage and sits down]

Springer: Hello Ms. Granger...[walks back and forth in the audience and scratches head] According to the title of today's show, you-apparently-are in love with a young man who is...gay-?

Hermione: Well, I'm not sure if he is gay. I mean he's never done anything to make us think that he is, but he's never had a girlfriend and doesn't seem that interested in women, either

[Crowd mummers and whispers to each other in shock]

Springer: But that's not all, is it? This young man is also one of your best friends, am I right?...

Hermione: [Looks nervously at Jerry] Yes, that's right

[Crowd gasps, whispers some more and point]

Springer: Well, it seems to me that he is gay but we'll hear the truth from him in a little while-but let's talk about you, Hermione-may I call you Hermione?

Hermione: Yes, you may.

Springer: Thanks…now; does the young man in question know that you are in love with him?

Hermione: Well, I wouldn't doubt that he does, but he might not…he's been ignoring me lately-ever since I've started having these feelings and wouldn't have noticed them.

Crowd: Aaaahhhh….

Springer: Why has he been ignoring you lately?

Hermione: I'm not sure. When I ask him, he just kind of avoids me and won't answer…I think there is something he is not telling me

Springer: Well, lets find out…but before we do, are you going to tell him that you are in love with him today?

Hermione: [Goes pale, but nods head]

Springer: Okay, bring out the young man- who is none other than ‘The Boy Who Lived' himself, Harry Potter!

[Crowd gasps and stares at the entrance in awe; some boo as Harry steps onstage]

Springer: Hello there, Harry, its an honor to have you on the show, really, it is….Do you, um, know…the young lady sitting next to you?

Harry: [Grins] Yeah, that's Hermione, she's one of my best friends

Crowd: Aaahhh…

Springer: Well, she says that lately you have been…distant…to your friends, is there something that you have been keeping from them?

Harry: Yeah, actually, there is

Springer: Well, tell her not me…[points to Hermione, who is pale]

[Harry turns to Hermione]

Harry: There is something that I haven't told you or Ron…I'm….I, uh...well…I'm gay…

[Big intake of breathe from the crowd and lots of shocked yelling, whispering and pointing]

[Hermione looks like she is about to faint]

[Jerry is walking back and forth in the audience, looking at the people on the stage]

Hermione: You're...you're what?...

Harry: [blushes slightly] ...I'm gay...

Springer: But that's not all you want to tell her, is it Harry...[looks at blue cards he is always carrying around and finds out that they are not useless; they have the outline of the show on them]

Harry: Uh...yeah...but I kinda wanted Ron here when I told her-'cause it concerns both of them

Springer: Well, guess what, Harry? We got a little surprise for you...Ron is here-and he's been listening to everything you've been saying! Ron, come on out!!

[Crowd cheers and applauds; some boo just for the fun of it]

[Ron comes out and stands by Harry]

Ron: You're what?...How come you never told us!! What?, your best friends aren't good enough to talk to anymore or what?!?

[Crowd makes all kinds of noises that sound like laughter and criticism]

Harry: No, that's not it, I just thought that you wouldn't understand, is all...

Hermione: [regains herself and grabs Harry's arm] We understand, Harry, really we do...

Crowd: Aaaaahhhhhh.....

Ron: How long?...How long have you...known...?

Harry: For a while now...about 6 months...

Ron: 6 months! How could you know for 6 months and not tell us!?!

Hermione: [whispers] Ron, sit down [reaches across Harry and pulls Ron down into seat by the shirt]

Springer: Well, Harry, now that they are both out here, why don't you go ahead and tell them what you wanted to tell them

[Harry nods and turns to Ron]

Harry: Well, now that you that I'm gay, there is something I should tell you two:...I've been seeing someone for a couple of months now, without you guys knowing

Crowd: Oooohhhhh....

Ron and Hermione: What?!?

[Both look like they are about to faint]

Ron: Who is it?...Who?

Hermione: [with hands to her face, mumbles to herself] I don't believe it...I don't believe it...

[Jerry stops his aimless walking and turns to Harry]

Springer: Well, now that you've told them what you've been doing the past two months, are you going to tell them who you've been doing?

[Harry frowns at Jerry, gives him an evil look, then turns to Hermione]

Harry: It's...It's Malfoy-

[Hermione suddenly jumps up and runs offstage]

[Ron goes red with anger and starts cussing Harry out]

[Crowd gasps and turns to stare at their neighbors in amazement and shock, some feel for Hermione, and then start yelling and booing at Harry even though all of them have no idea who ‘Malfoy' is]

Ron: Malfoy! MALFOY!!!! What the *beep* is wrong with you, Harry!?!?! You *beep*ing jackass!!

[Crowd gets into the show]

Crowd: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry…

[Jerry is still walking back and forth on stage, looking at the people onstage and scratches head]

[Steve gets out of his seat (just in case)]

Ron: How could it be Malfoy!?! Of all the assholes you could have done it with, you chose Malfoy!!!

Harry: [Still sitting down, looks at the ground] I didn't choose him-it just sort of…happened

Ron: Happened my ass!!!!

Springer: [Motions for the crowd to quiet down and waits for someone to bring Hermione back onstage before he starts to talk] Well, we have a little surprise for all of you today: Draco Malfoy is here and he is backstage!! Draco, come on out!!!!

[Cheering and booing come from all over the crowd mixed with some catcalls as Draco walks onstage]

[Ron stands up as Draco walks across the stage]

[Draco walks over to Harry (who is still sitting in his chair) and kisses him] [Ron runs towards Draco and pushes him away from Harry and then starts punching him; Draco punches back]

Ron: What the *beep* do you think you're doing?!? You *beep*ing *beeeeep* [Steve runs onstage with his cronies and pulls Draco and Ron apart]

Crowd: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!!!!!!!

[Hermione scolds Ron as he sits back down in his chair] [Ron is still cussing at Harry and Draco both and moves his chair to the other side of Hermione, as far away from Harry and Draco as possible]

[Draco grins at Ron and takes Harry's hand in his, which makes Ron cuss louder and more fluently]

Springer: Now, Draco-is that right, ‘Draco'-

Draco: Yeah that's right

Springer: How long have you and Harry been…seeing each other?

Draco: [Leans casually back in his chair and makes the women in the audience swoon] For about two or three months now

[Incoherent mumbling from Ron can still be heard]

Springer: How did you guys get together?

Ron: [Stands up suddenly and starts yelling] Yeah, how did you guys ‘get together'? Neville not good enough for you, Harry?

[Hermione pulls Ron down into his seat by his cloak and neither of them hear the cussing coming from Draco]

Harry: I'm sorry, Ron. I didn't think it would mean this much to you [Looks down at the floor]

Ron: Well it does!

[Noises coming from crowd. Some sound like boos and others sound like cheers. No one knows who they are directed at]

Draco: What's the matter Weasley? Jealous?

Ron: [Stands up] Of what?

[Draco grins at Ron and starts making out with Harry]

Crowd: Ooooohhhhh

[Ron goes at Draco again and manages to separate him and Harry and then starts punching Draco]

[Draco punches back]

[Steve and his cronies try to separate Ron and Draco]

[Harry and Hermione are yelling at both of them to stop]

Crowd (again): Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry

[Jerry motions to crowd to be quiet]

Springer: Ron, I, uh...take it you don't like the fact that your best friend is seeing this particular young man...am I right?...

Ron: [Back in his seat] Damn straight!!

Springer: How are you taking this, Hermione?

Hermione: [Looks like she is trying not to barf] I'm...I'm okay...as long as Harrys happy, I guess that it's okay...

Crowd: Aaahhhh

[People in the audience boo and yell incriminating things at Harry (who is confused about why the crowd is being so nice to Hermione) and Harry turns to each person in turn for some idea of what is going on]

Springer: Do you want to tell Harry why you brought him here in the first place?

Hermione: [Nods and turns to Harry who is still holding Draco's hand which makes Hermione even more nervous] Harry, I brought you here...to, uh...to tell you that...um...well...that I'm in love with you

[‘Oooohhhhhs' and ‘aaaawwwws' coming from the crowd, some audience members make thumbs down sign at Harry]

Harry: What?...

Draco: What?!?.............You bitch

Hermione: I didn't know that you and Draco were...together...if I did, then I wouldn't have brought you here-...

Harry: Hermione, I'm...I'm sorry, but...but Draco and I...we love each other and-

Ron: And what, Harry? You're going to have his baby?!?...This is crazy-

Draco: Hey!, shut up, Weasley, no one was talking to you!

Ron: And no one told you to go and *beep* Harry, but your doing it anyways!!

Crowd: Ooooohhhhh

[Draco goes at Ron, knocking chairs down and both have to be dragged apart, again, by Steve and cronies]

[Harry looks embarrassed and puts his face in his hand]

[Jerry starts walking back and forth in the audience, again]

[Once everyone settles down again...]

Springer: Harry, is there something else you want to tell Hermione?

Harry: I'm really sorry, Hermione...really I am...

Crowd: Booooooooo

[some shake their heads and more give the thumbs down sign]

[Hermione doesn't look at Harry, but nods her head in understanding]

Springer: [Looks excited] Well, now that that's out of the way, we have another surprise for you, Harry, this time from Draco...go ahead and tell him

Draco: [Shakes head in sympathy] You are a sad, strange little man. You really need a life, did anyone ever tell you that? You take way too much pleasure in the destruction of other people's lives

Springer: [Stops giving Draco evil looks and turns to Harry and tells him very fast] Harry, your boyfriend is cheating on you--with a girl!!!!!!!

[Another big intake of breath from the crowd and even more pointing and whispering]

{You'd think they'd have gotten tired already but...*shrugs*}

Harry: [Turns to Draco with mouth open] .......WHAT?!?!?!?

[Ron starts laughing hysterically at the irony of the situation]

[Hermione looks smug and watches everything that is going on with evil laughter in her eyes and thinks that Harry is finally getting his comeuppance]

Draco: This isn't how I wanted to tell you Harry, I was going to wait-

Harry: Bullshit!!!!!!!! You *beep*, how could you *beep*ing do this to me, *beep* *beeeeeep*

[Harry stands up and looks like he is going to punch Draco]

[Draco stands up, too, and tries to calm Harry down]

Draco: Harry, it's not that big a deal-

Harry: Like hell it isn't-Don't *beep*ing touch me, you slut!!

Crowd: [Even louder than the last hundred times] Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry,

Springer: Are you going to tell him who you're cheating on him with?

Draco: [Turns to Jerry in astonishment, words dripping with sarcasm] No, I thought I'd keep it to myself, that way no one would ever have to know!!!!... How could you ask such a stupid question?!? Tell me something, are you really this dumb or is it just something that accumulated over the years!?!

Springer: [Stops meaningless pacing in the audience] Listen, you little skank, I'm not the one who is *beep*ing someone else right now, so I'd shut the *beep* up if I were you!!

[Crowd is confused: This has never happened before and no one knows what to do]

Springer: Just sit the *beep* down and tell Harry who your playing ‘hide the rainbow roll' with

[Screen goes blurry around Draco's hand as he sticks it out at Jerry]

Springer: [Turns to Harry] It's some little whore named Ginny--Ginny, come on out!

[Ron stops laughing and seems in shock until Ginny walks onstage]

Ron: You bastard!!

[Ron goes at Draco once more and starts seriously kicking his ass]

[From the audience two boys with red hair run onstage and start beating on Draco, too]

[While everyone is busy kicking Draco's ass, Harry seizes the opportunity and he and Ginny start yelling things at each other that can't even be put on this paper in little ‘beep's]

[Crowd is in an uproar; they've never been to a Jerry Springer show that is this good]

[Steve and his cronies are doing all they can to separate Ron and the two boys from Draco, and quiet Harry and Ginny]

[Hermione seems to be the only sane one onstage; she is sitting back in her chair and seems content with all the ass-kicking going on around her]

**Time lapse**[The lost time was spent trying to get Ron's foot away from Draco's ass, the two boy's fists away from Draco's face, Harry's wand away from Ginny's eye, and (after she finally snapped) Hermione's growing mental grudge away from all the men onstage]

{Believe me, you don't want to know what she tried to do to all of them}

***[Once everyone is sitting down in their own chairs quietly again, and the two boys are back in their seats in the audience…]

Springer: Ron, I take it you know this young lady?

Ron: She's my baby sister!!! [Looks disgusted]

Crowd: Ooooohhhhh

[Draco grins]

Springer: And do you both know the young men who were up here a minute ago?

[Ron nods his head]

Ginny: They're our older brothers

Crowd: Oooohhhh

{I don't know what the crowd is 'ooohhh'ing at this time but that seems like all they ever do at a Jerry Springer show}

Springer: Ginny, how long have you and Draco been seeing each other?

Ginny: For about a month or so, now

Crowd: Oooohhhh

Springer: [Points to Harry and Draco] So you were seeing Draco while he was seeing Harry?

[Harry turns his back to Draco and crosses his arms over his chest]

[Draco sticks his tongue out at the back of Harry's head]

{Real mature, right?}

Ginny: Yeah, that's right

Springer: Did you know that Draco was gay-or bisexual-at the time and that he was sleeping with Harry?

Ginny: Yeah, I did

[Crowd makes disgusted noises and they boo Ginny]

Springer: [Motions for crowd to be quiet] Well, then, why did you sleep with him if you knew that he was already with someone else?

Ginny: [Shrugs] Well, he offered, and, lets face it, you don't turn down this [Points a finger at Draco and moves it up and down in mid-air, implying that she is talking about Draco's body] unless you're crazy, and, well,… I'm not crazy [Giggles]

Harry: That's right, you're a *beep*!!

Ron: Hey!, that's my sister you're talking about, you *beeeeep*!!!

Crowd: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!!!!

Draco: Leave him the *beep* alone, *beep* *beep*

Hermione: Just shut the *beep* up Malfoy, no one was *beep*ing talking to you, so why are you hell are you answering?!?!

Draco: Shut up, hoochie!!!

Hermione: I'm not a hoochie, you are all whores and I hope you all burn in hell!!

Crowd: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!!!

Harry: [To crowd] Is there anything else you can say!!!!! That is REALLY starting to get annoying!!!!!!!

[Crowd goes quiet and looks at each other in confusion; What else is there to say?]

Springer: Hey!! No one talks to my audience like that!!

Harry: Oh really, well, I just did!! What are you going to do about it!?!? Huh? Bore me to death with all your little comments?!?!

Springer: Listen, you little *beep*, this is my *beep*ing show so I can do whatever the hell I want!!

[Crowd cheers and cuss at all the people onstage]

[Harry jumps offstage and runs toward Jerry]

[Crewmen run after Harry]

[Draco and Ron run after crewmen]

[Hermione and Ginny seize the opportunity and start beating the crap out of each other]

**No distinguishable sound can be heard from anywhere in the room, only lots of yelling, cussing, and screaming**

[Harry, having reached Jerry, punches him in the stomach. Jerry falls over and angry mobs of fans try to get at Harry]

[Draco is beating the crap out of Steve and the crewmen (the audience is trying to help him)]

[Ron is trying to keep the angry crowd away from Harry so that he could finish kicking Jerry's ass]

[Hermione punches Ginny in the face while holding her head in place by her hair]

[Ginny's two older brothers try to get to Hermione but can't reach her through the crazy mob so they go after Draco]

[Draco (who is busy punching a crewmember) gets tackled from behind by one of the boys and falls to the ground; the other boy jumps onto of him and starts punching him]

[The crowd is going wild; they start kicking each other's ass' for no apparent reason]

[Jerry has gotten back up and finds Harry in the madness. He proceeds to punch Harry in the face, which makes Draco tackle Jerry from behind and the crowd to go into frenzy]

[On the ground, Jerry grabs Draco's leg and bites it]

[Draco screams in pain]

Draco: OW!!!!!! What the hell was that?!?! Honestly, man!!! What kind of person bites someone in a fight?!?!? Come on!!!!! You fight like a woman!!!!!

[Jerry jumps on top of Draco and starts punching him]

[Draco, taken aback, is defenseless]

[Harry jumps onto Jerry's back and pushes him away from Draco]

[Draco, thinking that Harry was trying to help him gives Harry his hand to help him up]

[Harry takes Draco's hand and tries to break it. When Draco pulls it away, Harry starts punching and kicking Draco (who is still on the ground)]

[The crowd is still going crazy]

[Hermione and Ginny are still kicking each other's ass's]

[Jerry breaks away from the fighting and looks around for a camera. He finds on close by and looks into it]

[A little tiny triangle comes out on the bottom of the camera screen]

Springer: Now for my final thought: No one really wins in the game of love…It's better to talk to your loved ones about things that might be bothering you, rather than finding comfort in someone else's arms-

Draco: [Standing up in the middle of the mob and shouting over the crowd] Shove it, Pervy Perverson. We all know that you sleep with anything you can, and most of the time, it has another pair of arms

Springer: That's it-!!! [Throws microphone to the ground and loosens tie]

[Draco gets ready to kick some Springer-ass]

[Hermione and Ginny are still fighting onstage]

[Steve and the crewmembers are lying on the ground, some in puddles of blood, Harry standing over them]

[Ron is trying to get at Draco (still)]

[The crowd is going crazy and trying to see how many pounds of pure chaos the showroom can take]

Commentator: [Evil, malicious, laughter] Muhahahahahahah!!!!!....It has finally worked!!!!! I knew one day he would crack!!!!!! Now I can finally start my show about the little leprechauns that tell me to burn things!!!!!! [Evil laughter again] I'll call it....‘My wee little leprechaun and me'

[Everyone stops fighting and looks up at the ceiling]

Draco: [Frowning] That's not the only thing ‘wee' with you, man, don't flatter yourself

Hermione: And it is ‘I' not ‘me'...Get it right, you incompetent git

Commentator: Hey!!! What happens in the bedroom is between my wife and me!!!!!-

[Commentator stops talking as everyone tries to hold back laughs]

Ginny: [Mocking sweetness] Which reminds me Draco,...[Harsher] no, it is not all right, it doesn't happen to every man and it is not perfectly normal!!!!

Crowd: Oooooohhhhhhh [Some don't bother to hold back their laughter and others cheer Ginny]

Draco: Hey!!!!-

[Ron rolls on the floor in the middle of the crowd, clutching his side with laughter]

Draco: Shut up, Weasley!!! At least I get some!!!!

Crowd: Ooooohhhhhhh

[Ron stops rolling on the floor]

Ron: Hey, I get some, too...and at least 'mine' works....

Draco: [Smiles evilly] ...It always worked with Harry...

[Harry starts blushing next to the unconscious body of Steve]

[Ron tries to get to Draco, on the other side of the audience, but the audience is starting to get rowdy again]

Ginny: [Still onstage with Hermione] What?!?! Are you saying it doesn't like me or something?!?!

Draco: Well...[Smiles and the women in the audience want to shake Harry's hand and congratulate him] he was never so bitchy in the sack

Crowd: Oooooohhhhhhhh

[Ginny stares at Draco for a while and then jumps offstage and runs at Draco]

[Ron does not try to stop her]

Ginny: You *beep*ing *beep*, *beep* *beeeeeep*

[Ginny finally reaches Draco and punches him]

Draco: [Clutching his eye] You *beep* *beep*, *beep*!!!!!!!

[Ron jumps at Draco and starts punching him]

[Draco punches back]

[Ginny joins in]

[Harry and Hermione join in, too]

[The crowd goes crazy again and tries to get at the action in the middle of the audiance]

Springer: [Crawls out of the pit-of-death and onto the stage] Well, that's my show. Tune in next time and I promise we'll have cleared up all the lawsuits

Commentator: [Can be heard over the crowd] It's my show!!! No one can take it away from me..! No one!!!!!!!!!!!

Springer: Shut up or you'll be out of a job!!

Ron: Hey!!!! At least leave the guy his dreams!!!!!

[Anything else that might have been seen or said by any other person is drowned out by the yelling and screaming of the people in the room and blocked by the bodies flying around and the blood squirting everywhere]

Commentator: [Out of nowhere] No!!! Not now,...wait until they are all asleep and then we can set fire to their houses and burn all that they hold dear-...

Harry: [Shakes his head] Freak...

[That is the last word that is heard before all hell breaks loose and everyone goes crazy and tries to steal each other's underwear]

******Doesn't make much sense, does it?...But, hey!, at least I got through it!!! I'm really proud of myself because I did get through it, even though it took me literally forever. And when I say the commentator is 'incompitent' I mean that he can't *cough* preform...sexually. (Heehee) I'd like to tip my hat to our beta-reader and best friend Giselle: I couldn't have gotten through this without your constant support, and the bestest Sci-tech boonie out there, and my partner in crime, Nereyda (Double): Thanks for everything (and all the lessons in engineering design and html-which isn't as bad as I thought it would be but annoying as hell) and I really hope that our little ‘block' comes down real soon. I am not going to thank Gume, who I made read this about twenty times and who I learned ‘everything' from even though I am very thankful to him and don't know where I'd be without the Gum-man. I will say it again, just in case no one believed me the first time: All the mistakes in punctuation and the grammar that are there, are supposed to be there. ALL of them. Oh!! And before I forget: Thanks to all those people out there that are actually going to read this!!!!! It means a lot to me, really it does. Well, till the next chapter in D.O.D...... Later Days!!!!!!!!!!