Remus Lupin/Sirius Black
Remus Lupin Sirius Black
Humor Slash
1970-1981 (Including Marauders at Hogwarts)
Published: 01/25/2003
Updated: 01/25/2003
Words: 1,238
Chapters: 1
Hits: 2,664

Coffee Is No Substitute For Waking Up Naked

Doctor Strangelove

Story Summary:
After a hard night of partying, Sirius Black wakes up naked. And he's not alone.


TITLE: Coffee Is No Substitute For Waking Up Naked
PAIRINGS: Sirius/Remus
FEEDBACK: I'd love it.

"Coffee Is No Substitute For Waking Up Naked"

Written by: Doctor Strangelove

Ah, morning. Is there anything more wonderful than a morning? How about weekend morning? Or the morning after you've finished all your final exams? A weekend morning after you've finished all your final exams? Well, our story opens on Sirius Black on such a morning. Sleeping late in his bed and- Well, what's this? Why, it appears he's not alone.

Ah, morning. Sirius thought, still half asleep. Is there anything worse than morning? It ruins a perfectly good night's sleep, plus I've got a hangover from all the partying we did last night. At least there are no exams today. I should probably get up. Yep. That's what I should do. Sirius continues to lie in his bed with his eyes shut. Okay, I'll go downstairs and get some coffee. That should help. Sirius sat up and stretched his arms out. His arm hit something. What the...? Sirius's hands felt down his body, only to discover that he had absolutely nothing on. Sirius's eyes shot wide open.

He looked down at the naked body lying next to him. Okay, I slept with someone last night when I was drunk. No need to freak out. I'll just, I'll tell her that it was great and I'll owl her sometime. Good. That should work. He looked down to closer inspect his latest lover. Well, she's not that bad looking. Nice figure, a little flat chested, nice brown hair. Hmm, she looks really familiar. I wonder who she is. As if on cue the girl rolled over so that Sirius could see her face. Oh shit. Well, correction, his face.

One of Sirius Black's best friends in the entire world was in his bed. Naked. Remus Lupin was naked in Sirius Black's bed. Well, Sirius thought, trying to reassure himself of his masculinity, He may not be naked. I can only see his chest. And I sleep naked a lot. So it's possible that Remus is fully clothed, or in pajamas or something, and we just got drunk and both fell asleep in my bed. Wait, this isn't my bed. Okay, we fell asleep in Remus's bed. No sex happened. Because we're not gay. I'm not gay. I don't know about Remus. I mean it wouldn't bother me if he was gay, I just wouldn't want to sleep with him. And we would never force himself on me if we were drunk, so we must've fallen asleep. Because if we has sex if would've had to been a mutual thing and I'm not gay so I know it wasn't. I'm just gonna check to make sure Remus is wearing his pajamas and then I'll sneak back to my bed. That's the plan.

Sirius lifted up the covers to look at Remus. Damn. He is naked. We're both naked in his bed! Oh shit! Well, you know, I'll just sneak back to my bed and- Sirius's thoughts stopped as he remembered what he had just seen. He quickly lifted up the covers to look at Remus again, and then he looked at himself under the covers. Then Remus. And then himself again. Damn again. Okay, well just because I'm naked in bed with a naked and very well endowed Remus does not mean we had sex. Or that I'm gay. 'Cause I'm not. So we didn't.

"Mmmm," Remus mumbled and yawned as he began to awake.

"Oh, crap." What do I do? I don't have time to leave and-

"Sirius?" Remus was now fully awake but had not yet realized the compromising position he and his friend were in, "What are doing in my bed?" Now he's realized it. "And why am I naked? What the hell happened last night?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know!? I wake up naked in my bed and- wait, this isn't my bed."

"It's not?"


"Oh, God."


"It's not my bed either."

"...Oh, God."

The two sat in an awkward silence for a few minutes before Sirius spoke up, "Is your ass sore?"

Remus blinked in stunned surprise. "WHAT? Is my what what?"

Sirius repeated it again. This time enunciating. "Is. Your. Ass. Sore?"

"No! Is yours?"

"No, of course not."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. It's just, if your ass was sore it would probably mean we had anal sex last night."

Remus could only stare at his naked bedmate, "So, what makes you think I'd be on bottom?"

"Well, I no I wouldn't. I'm not gay."

"But you think I am?"

"I'm not saying that. Just that, you're, you know."

"No, I don't."

"You're not as," Sirius struggled for the word, "As masculine as me."

Remus smacked Sirius in the head (not that one), "You know what, I think you're just trying to cover up your sore ass. I bet I was on top and you're just trying to make me think otherwise."

"Well you're not even doubting we had sex. This just proves I wasn't on the bottom." Then under his breath, Sirius added, "Besides I couldn't fit all that anyway."

"What was that?"


Remus tried to pull more covers around his waist, "See you were looking at me under the covers!"

"I was just trying to make sure you were naked!"


"Not like that! I just- Let's just drop the whole thing, okay?"

"Okay, alright."

They turned away from each other and sat in silence again. That is until Sirius opened his mouth, "Do you have a weird taste in your mouth?" Remus just glared, "Oral sex." Remus continued to glare angrily, "Never mind. ...Are you sticky anywhere at all on your body?"

"Oh, my God! For a supposedly notorious skirt chaser you certainly know a lot about gay sex! I'm getting out of here!" Remus got up to leave but Sirius grabbed his shoulder. And then quickly let go when he realized he was touching his naked male friend. "What?"

"You're naked, remember?"

"...Oh. Right."

"And, you're, um, a little... exposed."

Remus looked down and quickly covered himself up, "Well we can't just stay in... whoever's bed this is all day. We're gonna have to leave sometime."

"I know. But I want to resolve things with us first."

"What things?"

"Well," Sirius gestured to the two of them in the bed, "This."

"What about it?"

"Well, we may or may not have had sex. We most defiantly went to sleep together naked. But I want to say, that if I did have to have sex with one of my friends, I'm glad it's you."


"Well, I mean, I feel like I can trust you. You're really nice and caring. You're handsome. Plus, I know that you'll never breathe a word of this to anyone ever."

Remus didn't know what to say, "Sirius, that's sweet. You'd probably be my first choice for having a gay drunken affair with."

The two boys smiled and then blushed when they remember their situation and words. "Remus, I..."

"Shh." Remus leaned forward in the bed and gently kissed Sirius on the lips.

"Um, guys." Remus and Sirius's eyes snapped open at the new voice, "I hate to interrupt such a sweet moment," James lifted his head up from under the covers next to Sirius, "But have either one of you seen my glasses?"