Since I Don't Have You

Since I Don't Have You

"Draco Malfoy! You have got to snap out of this!" Nymphadora Tonks said glaring at the pale blonde sitting despondently on the sofa. "And in the dark no less," she hmmphed to herself. She put her hands on her hips, (she'd learned this from Molly Weasley who could be quite the intimidator). "You've got to let go and start living again, love."

The man in question didn't even acknowledge her bossiness. He simply seemed to close himself off even more if that was possible.

I don't have plans and schemes

And I don't have hopes and dreams.

I don't have anything

Since I don't have you.

The young woman, who was only a few years older than the twenty year old in question, took in the details of her once vibrant cousin. Where once a carefree, happy boy had sat with brilliant locks of white gold, eyes of the purest silver that had shone with an undying love, possessed with a body any woman (and many men) would find irresistible, was a broken shell. His hair was dull and messy, as if it hadn't seen shampoo or brush in weeks. The fire in his mercurial gaze had been banked. His heartache had destroyed his health and he'd dropped at least 10 kilos that he really couldn't afford to. Sometimes she wondered if Draco would ever recover from the shock. It had already been over a year.

Tonks brushed bangs of bubblegum pink away from her forehead and sighed sadly. Wandering into the kitchen and opening the icebox she discovered most of the food she'd brought over the Wednesday before still sitting where she'd placed it.

Draco barely registered the sounds coming from what used to be his second favorite room. (The bedroom had been first.) Ever since that horrible day last November it was all he could do to continue breathing. His body and mind were numb by the nothingness that was his life now.

And I don't have fond desires

And I don't have happy hours.

I don't have anything

Since I don't have

Happiness and I guess I never will again.

Memories constantly bombarded and assaulted him with a ferocity that he'd grown accustomed to. He was tired of fighting them off. While he slept he dreamed of happier times. He relived the first kiss they'd shared, heard whispered vows of love, felt the pleasure of the night he'd lost his virginity. He usually woke up with wet cheeks and an ache in his groin and heart for one who was no longer there. During the long days he tried, but failed, to hold back the anguish he had felt when the person who had been his everything had walked out the door never to return.

When you walked out on me

In walked Old Misery

And she's been here since then.

Yeah, we're fucked.

When the door had closed softly behind the retreating back, Draco had crumpled to the floor in a heap of tangled robes and tears. The once proud Wizard had proceeded to spend the night crying, not even bothering to light a candle when the room grew dark.

Tonks had come to check on him the next evening after hearing what had taken place. She'd found Draco staring listlessly out the front window. He had turned around slowly and asked, "Why?" It was the last word he'd spoken since and she still no answer for him.

The spiky haired Witch had tried desperately to comfort her grief-stricken cousin. He was all she had left of her family and she refused to lose him too.

Over the following weeks and months the former Prince of Slytherin had pulled further and further into himself. Not even the formidable presence of Albus Dumbledore and Severus Snape could pull the brokenhearted man from his cocoon of pain.

Tonks finished picking up the house, hugged Draco goodbye, and whispered she'd see him in a couple of days. She bit her lip racking her brain thinking of a way to make him feel better. She knew only one thing would and it wasn't in her power to give it to him unfortunately.

I don't have love to share

And I don't have one who cares.

I don't have anything

Since I don't have you.

Alone again Draco lifted his head and looked around the parlor. Pictures of their life hanging cheerfully on the walls seemed to mock him. He turned away, closed his eyes, and drifted to the Land of Nod.

Four hours later he pulled himself off the couch and took yet another cold shower. When would his traitorous heart give up on the impossible, he thought angrily. Why couldn't he forget? It was quite obvious his partner had. Perhaps it would be better if he oblivated himself. But then there would be no one left to bear testimony to the love they had shared, a love that had seemed to outshine all others with its intensity. Only this kept him from doing the unthinkable.

He dressed not caring what he put on and went back to sit in his favorite chair by the window. His nose picked up the faint scent of fresh cut grass. A tear slid down his cheek. His love had smelled of summer even on the coldest winter day.

A rustle from one of the other rooms pricked his ears. Maybe Tonks had returned while he was in the shower, he reasoned, uncaring. He shrugged his slim shoulders and stared out the window.

So deep was his concentration on the scene playing out in his mind Draco never noticed the shadowy figure walk behind him. Only when a hand waved in front of his face and he heard that beloved voice gasp his name did he stir.

Draco stared in awe at the vision before him. A half-formed smirk formed on his lips, the twitch cracking the dry skin and causing a bubble of blood to form on its pale pink surface. How often had he seen this apparation? He'd lost count long ago in a haze of sorrow and self-pity. He slowly got up, choosing to ignore the visitor, and went into the master bedroom. It would not follow him there.

He stripped down to his boxers and lay down, the cool sheets causing goose bumps to break out on his malnourished body. How many nights had he been held in this very bed, shouting a name burned forever into his very soul? Why had he been rejected? Draco had been so blissfully in love. He frowned. It must have been one-sided or another body would be curled up next to him.

And there lay the true rub, the all-encompassing fact of failure. He, Draco Malfoy, had given up everything for the relationship: his family, inheritance, his old beliefs; all that he had once been. He had turned his mind away from its wicked tendencies and focused all his love on the one person who had ultimately betrayed him by leaving.

He startled awake much later, a cry echoing throughout the chamber. Sitting up suddenly he saw the specter had dared to come into what he considered sacred ground, an area that held the sweetest of bittersweet memories. He scowled, feeling mad, the first real emotion other than grief after so long and was shocked when the phantom came to tower over him.

Its countenance glowed with unholy ire. Never before had Draco seen it angry. The other times it had come to him it had only smiled meekly and sat quietly with him, taunting him with its proximity.

"What the hell are you trying to do, kill yourself?! When's the last time you've eaten a decent meal?"

Could hallucinations rant? Well, he guessed so, since that was what his was currently doing.

"Look at me, damn it!"

Draco lifted unresponsive washed out eyes, which were met with a string of harsh curses.

And it was no wonder. It was a miracle the Wizard still functioned. Dark, purplish circles surrounded his once clear grey eyes. His pale white skin held not a trace of the tan he used to work on year round. The head covered in matted blonde hair bobbed unsteadily on its slim fragile perch of a neck.

"Do you really love me this much?" came the halting question from those tempting light red lips.

"Yes," Draco managed to groan before slipping into oblivion.

He was dreaming and it was glorious. Arms were wrapped securely around him. The voice he knew so well swore to him it'd never let him go ever again. Draco wanted to never wake up but as soon as the thought formed, he did just that.

Two arms still encircled him and a voice still tickled his ear with promises of an eternity. Hope filling his soul he slowly allowed his body to turn and encounter that most beloved face.

"You're awake. Merlin, Draco, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you like this. I was an idiot for running from this, from you."

Tears were brushed gently away from his eyes by those cherished hands. "I love you. I never stopped. I just got so scared when you asked me to marry you. I couldn't stop thinking what everyone would say. I don't care anymore." Draco's hands were gathered and each knuckle kissed reverently. "They can all go to hell. Marry me, Draco. I'll spend my life making you happy again. I can't live another day without you."

Then those siren lips he'd longed for, hungered for, latched onto his. It was then that Draco knew he wasn't dreaming.

Harry had come back and everything would be okay now.