By My Side

By My Side

I would stay right here,

Should we die,

I'll know completeness.

I'm safe in your hands

I closed my eyes and allowed my thoughts to drift as I sat on the train, bound for London. My thoughts were drawn back to the first time I saw you, Harry Potter. I knew it was you this time. You sat with Weasley on the train. I offered my hand, but you refused it. I made sure that your years at Hogwart's would be hell.

I turned my head to the window, resting it against there, opening my eyes occasionally. The glass was cold and the landscape was blurred. I then thought of the last time that I had seen you alive. You did not make it through the end of war or what people were calling "The Battle." My own father struck you down after you killed Voldemort.

Overcome with rage, I killed my father. I was not worried what was going to happen to me. When the dust settled, and the Death Eaters arrested, everyone that was fighting against Voldemort stared at me. I did not care what they thought or said. I sat with your head in my lap, looking down at you. Your green eyes were just staring up.

I was stroking your black hair. I remember Granger coming to me, her face streaked with dust, blood, and tears. She knelt next to me, her hands shaking. Her voice was quiet when she spoke.

"Malfoy?"

My name, it was all she said to me. I started sobbing, tears rolling down my cheeks. The last time I cried was when I was five. Malfoys were not allowed to show emotions that were labeled as weak. Granger backed up since no one had ever seen me cry. Dumbledore came over, supported by Snape and someone else. Snape had blood coming from the side of his cheek.

"Kill me!" I screamed at them. "Kill me now! I don't want to live without him!"

"Draco," Dumbledore rasped. "Draco, come now."

"Please," I whispered as more tears came from my eyes. "I don't want--I wanted--"

"Shhh, dear boy," Dumbledore nodded as if he understood.

* * *

I was taken to the hospital wing and I refused to let you go. I held your hand all the way to the school. I saw you being placed onto a bed. Madam Pomfrey pried my hand from yours, then she surrounded your bed with screens.. Granger stood outside the screens. I remember her looking at me. She sat by my bed all night while I cried, screamed, and lay there not speaking.

The next morning I woke to find her still sitting up, barely awake. She looked exhausted. Weasley sat next to her, looking wide awake. He stared at me, trying to understand the situation. I swallowed, trying to hold back tears.

"Weasley, could you?" I pointed to the glass full of water. My voice was a whisper.

I remember your red headed friend handing me the glass. His eyes looked watery. I looked over where they had put you yesterday. The bed was curtained from view. I made a move to get up, but Pomfrey came over and said I should stay in bed.

I noticed a tear slide down Weasley's cheek and by then Granger was sleeping. I stumbled over to where you were regardless of what the titchy old nurse said. Weasley came over to help me, but I waved him away.

Someone had covered you with a sheet and I pulled the sheet away from your face. Your eyes were closed. Weasley stood with me, staring at you. The tears dripped from my eyes again, and I could not stop them as they fell. I sat down in the chair that was next to the bed you lay in. When I touched you, your hand was cold. What had I expected?

"Why?" I whispered. "Why?"

Your friend just stood there. I think he was shocked. Why would I, Draco Malfoy, be grieving over Harry Potter's death? You did not tell your friends about the letter.

* * *

I fell asleep on the train having slept little the past few days, only to be woken up by the food cart. The lady gave me a sad sort of smile as if she knew something. She asked me if I wanted anything, but I refused. I turned my attention to the window after the food cart made its way down the corridor. I thought about to the last days of the term. It was funny. Danger seemed to find you at the end of the school term, right before summer holiday.

I remember reading the Daily Prophet a few days ago. The headlines boldly stated "More than friends?" It was an article about how a Malfoy finally showed something akin to real emotion to Harry Potter. The article said that I wanted to save you. I didn't want to save you. I only wanted to love you.

I sat with Granger and Weasley near a tree at the edge of the lake reading it. They were going through a box of your stuff. The Ministry wanted the items for a museum they were planning to erect in your honor. Your Muggle family did not want your belongings, so Dumbledore had given the box to us.

They pulled out an envelope with my name on it. I gawked at it for a few minutes before taking it from Granger. They also gave me the letter I had written to you, a week before you died. I don't know why I wrote that letter. I asked them if they had read it.

Granger admitted that she had and Weasley merely nodded. The day I gave the letter with fancy black script on the envelope, I fought with you. I punched you right outside the library. A tear slid down my cheek. I was amazed how easily I could cry.

I put down the paper and opened your envelope as more tears spilled from my eyes. I stood up after reading it, letting the parchment fall from my grasp. Granger caught the parchment, folded it, and put it back in the envelope.

"You can read it," I said, turning my head away from them so they could not see my expression. "I'm going for a walk."

I could feel their eyes on me as I walked toward the Quidditch pitch. I had my left hand in my pocket, where I had put the letter I wrote you. I withdrew it and scanned the contents. I walked into what was left of the pitch. The stadium stood against the blue sky, ruined, as most of the stands had been set ablaze by Death Eaters. The grass was black in some places. I sat down at the base of the closest hoops to read what I wrote to you.

* * *

Granger and Weasley came by soon after, interrupting my train of thought.. I gave them a weak smile and they took that as an invitation to invade my space. As they sat across from me, I turned my head to the window. Granger was pale, her eyes looked too big for her face.

"Are you ok, Draco?"

I simply nodded, not wanting to speak. I didn't want her to know I had been thinking about you. Granger burst out in tears and Weasley quickly comforted her. I realized they wanted me to say something, some words of comfort. "I want to thank you guys. I know I've been quite an asshole since I've known you," I could not piece together an apology. Therefore, I just said, "Thank you."

I looked at both of them. Weasley nodded and offered his hand to me, I took it. I let out a yelp as Granger hugged me. I was a bit shocked. I patted her on the shoulder and carefully eased her from me.

"Sorry," she said.

I merely nodded. They both stood up and left the compartment. I let my head drop back, now staring at the luggage rack above me.

* * *

I am home now, at Malfoy Manor. My mother was taken to Azkaban along with everyone else. I inherited all of what my father owned. I think it's funny that I'm sitting on top of the dining room table in the banquet hall with food surrounding me. I've eaten very little of it. I am slowly selling all of this, money is more important than possessions. I would not be doing this if my mother or father were still here. I just don't want to remember of what my family did to you.

"Sir?"

I looked up from the parchment I was reading to stare at the house elf that stood in front of me twitching. I blinked, "Yes?"

"Sir, there is a lady here, Sir. I told her that Sir was busy. She said she would wait."

"Where is she waiting?"

"The entrance hall, Sir."

I put the pear I was eating down and jumped off the table. The house elf shrieked and ran. I stretched and started walking to the entrance hall. It felt good to instill fear in something. Of course, I had changed. I am not the same Draco Malfoy I was a month ago. I opened the door to the hall and my mouth fell open. Ginny Weasley stood in front of a mirror, examining her reflection.

"Weasley?" I said.

She jumped a bit and spun around. "Malfoy," she smiled. I could tell it was a false smile, yet she acted as if she was glad to see me. I stood there with my arms crossed, my lips in a thin line.

"Well?"

"Er?"

"What are you doing here?" I snapped.

"Ron and Hermione's wedding is in a few weeks," she stammered. "They were wondering if you were attending."

I could tell she was nervous and had lost her confidence. Something was telling me to whip out that famous Malfoy attitude. Who am I to ignore gut feelings?

I unleashed it but it wasn't as vicious as usual, "Weasley, I'm sorry I forgot which one you are. I might make an appearance, but tell your brother and Granger not to expect anything expensive."

"Why do you have to be a jerk, Malfoy? A few weeks ago you were friends with Ron and Hermione!"

I waved a hand and a house elf appeared ushering her from the house. I turned and went back to my perch on the table.

* * *

All that was left of the Malfoy estate was the vault at Gringotts and my name. I had received a nice sum of money for all the properties and material possessions that were in the house. I wouldn't have to work again, but on the other hand, I should work. I get bored easily.

I sat at my desk in a lovely townhouse near Diagon Alley. I leaned back, thinking about you. I could have lost myself in your eyes; they were so captivatingly green. They were like emeralds, with onyx centers. A sob escaped my lips. I barely knew you, yet I missed you so much.

Many times, I had contemplated you. Your ink-like hair was horrid; it never stayed down. The glasses that you wore became a sort of trademark for you. Could I count the times that I wanted to trace your lips with my thumb? I've only kissed you once. I only had the chance to hold your warm hands for an hour. I wanted more time with you. My eyes started watering.

You're beautiful. Did you even know that? I don't think about your body. I can only imagine what would become of the person who crossed my path while I was on a Potter induced lust trip. Ah, see the old Malfoy in me is trying to escape.

Why did I love you? I leaned forward in my chair with my elbows resting on the desk. I buried my fingers in my hair with the palms of my hands against my forehead. The tears came even more powerfully now. I sat there looking at the framed picture of you from between my forearms.

* * *

I remember the night before you died. You were walking by a room I was sitting in. I could it was you by the sound of your footsteps You told Weasley to go ahead and that you would be along in a moment. My back was to you when you entered. I had been sitting in this room for hours, mulling over what was to happen. You touched my shoulder.

"Hello Potter," I turned my head slightly towards you.

"Malfoy."

You walked to where I could see you. You wore jeans that rode low over your hips and a black T-shirt that barely made it to the top of your jeans. You looked gorgeous. Your hair was a mess, but it made you who you were. It made you the Boy Who I Fell In Love With. You grabbed my hand and pulled me to my feet. We stood less than a foot away from each other and your eyes were downcast.

I smiled at you. "Are my shoes that interesting, Potter?"

You brought your eyes up, slowly to look at me. I wanted to know what you were thinking at that moment. I pulled you closer so our foreheads were touching. I told you how I felt in a letter, but it wasn't enough for me. I kissed you. It was a simple kiss with my lips barely brushing over yours. You closed your eyes and leaned forward. I brought my hands to your neck and made my fingers curl into your hair. Your hands slid to my waist and then I broke our kiss. You looked hurt, so I pulled you closer wrapping my arms around you, into a hug. We were so close I could feel your heartbeat.

"Potter," I stammered, looking into your face. "I hope you realize I just can't take you home and introduce you to my parents. I don't think it would go well."

You nodded and buried your face into my neck. Your lips were moving. Your breath came fast and was audible. It was soft whispers and I could barely hear you. I tilted my head slightly.

"I wish you would have said something sooner Draco. I wish you had said something before we started fighting this stupid war. Why di--"

"Potter, think about it. What do you think would have happened to me if I had said something sooner? Besides, I only realized it last year."

You acknowledged this truth and hugged me tighter. We stood like that for an hour.

* * *

I didn't go to your funeral, just as I did not make an appearance to the Weasleys' wedding. I did send an owl though, inviting them on a small trip.. I did this mostly to accompany me to your grave, so I could say goodbye to you.

I bought them spoons for their wedding gift. Granger said that they needed a nice set of serving spoons. I still think of her as Granger, not Hermione Weasley.

I wish that I could have called you mine. In our one-hour embrace, I felt it was unclear where the line was drawn between us. Were we friends, or more? I expected to change for you. I wanted to erase the past. Every word that you said to me I repeated over in my mind. I now look at my past asking why. No matter now hard I try I cannot escape you.

I needed to let go of everything I was before you died. I needed to run away from everything I was. All I wanted, Potter, was you by my side.