Toute Ma Vie

Chapter One

September 1975

"In order to seek the origins of Magic, we have to start with the Celtic God, Math ap Mathonwy. Meaning the God of Sorcery."

Remus put his quill down on his desk. He couldn't help but let his mind wander to other places. This was the beginning of his sixth year at Hogwarts, and at the beginning of every year, Professor Binns started the lecture the same way: with the origins of Magic. Sure, this was History of Magic, but really, Remus could deliver the lecture himself by now. He did get an O in his History of Magic OWLs after all. And his thoughts did lie in other, more important places. Like on the parchment that lay on his bedside table in the dormitory. He had the whole thing memorized by now.

My Dearest Remus,

There is much to say, and I know saying it in a letter is inconsiderate and out of form but I wish to tell you as soon as possible and not have to wait until we meet on your next holiday.

My dear Remus, I have made the agonizing decision to return to my wife and try anew. I know how this will make you feel and I do ask for your forgiveness and understanding. You have been wise beyond your years and I know you will use that same wisdom in receiving this information. Please know you will always reside in my heart.

Yours,

Alexi

He'd received the letter just that morning, but he had read it over and over. Remus had met Alexi over the summer holidays while he was at home in France. Alexi frequented the café his parents owned. And several times Remus noticed him alone.

Alexi wasn't the first man Remus had noticed, not by far, but he seemed to be the only man who noticed him back. Remus was well aware that his love of men was not what society considered normal. He himself had just come to terms with what it all meant. What it meant when he was twelve and longed to see Rock Hudson without a shirt. And it was Alexi that prompted Remus to start acting on his notions.

It was just three weeks into the holiday. Remus and his younger sister Ophelia always worked the café over the school holidays. Their parents simply couldn't afford very much outside help. After walking by Alexi several times, pretending to be clearing the table behind him, or serving more coffee to the table next to him, Alexi finally stopped him.

"Excuse' moi," he said in a thick French accent, calling him over on the pretense of wanting more tea. Remus tried his hardest not to blush. "I notice you are here working often. Don't you have other things a young man your age like to do?" Alexi's eyes never left Remus; they were a deep blue, like nothing he'd ever seen before.

"I don't mind it here," Remus said, almost inaudibly. He let his eyes wander upon the older man, who appeared to be in his late thirties.

Alexi didn't hide the pleased look at the answer Remus had given. "You look strong, are you good at light physical labor?"

A little taken back by the question Remus answered, "Yes," not really sure he was good at it.

Alexi scribbled his phone number on a piece of napkin. "I could use some help on my summer home. If you are interested, call me. I'll be sure to pay you well." He winked at Remus and got up to leave the table.

Remus watched him leave, his body flowing slowly out the door. Then he looked at the napkin with the number written on it. He'd be sure to call on his next break.

It was Alexi that showed Remus just how sexual a man could be. Just how wonderful a touch could feel. And it was something Remus would never forget. That first touch, that first kiss, that feeling of being with a man for the first time was a memory that would live with Remus forever. And sitting in History of Magic now, three months after meeting Alexi, he was trying to forget that feeling. Trying to remember what it was like before he knew a man's touch.

Pulling himself out of the thought he looked around the room. James and Sirius, two of his best friends, had been separated yet again for disrupting class. Sirius now sat in the front of the class, and he looked very downtrodden indeed. James was sitting next to Remus drawing a sketch. Remus couldn't help but smile when he saw what it was: A longhaired maiden being rescued by a large stag. All the lady needed was red hair, and Remus could be certain it was Lily Evans. If she only knew how James fantasized about her, maybe she would humor him with a date, but Remus doubted that would ever happen. On Remus's other side was his third best friend, Peter. Even Peter, admittedly slower to grasp certain concepts, was looking like he could quote Binns word for word. Peter fidgeted with his new wand. The old one had gotten lost one night during their last escapade in the Forbidden Forest before the summer holidays. This new one was quite fine, better then any wand Remus had seen before.

He knew, really knew, that he could trust these three boys; the three boys with whom he shared a dorm. They were the ones who figured out he was a werewolf despite his efforts to keep it concealed, and they were the ones who would go to any extreme to protect Remus from the negative illation of the outside world. Often at times, he felt like they were his family. And even when he was with his real family, his mother, father and Ophelia, he wanted to be with his three mates.

He felt ashamed by that. Peter had only his mother and aunts around. Surrounded in a house full of women, Remus didn't envy him. Peter was twenty pounds overweight, and it was no wonder. If Remus had three women cooking for him all the time, he'd probably eat a good lot too.

James was the most normal of them all. The Potters were a well-known family in the wizarding world, a long line of wizards stemming back thousands of years. And of old money as well. James never knew where all their money came from; it was just always there when he needed it. He was pampered; the only child of an older couple who tried for years to have children before James came along. He was the pride of the family, the one everyone loved.

Sirius had the most troubled home life of the bunch. He came from a long line of dark wizards. When he got sorted into Gryffindor, the howler his mother sent him the next day was tumultuous. As if Sirius had any choice in the matter. And his Slytherin relatives seemed to think he did. That first year at Hogwarts, not a month went by when Sirius wasn't either physically assaulted or verbally tortured by his Slytherin cousins. When his brother was sorted into Slytherin two years later, the abuse started again. Remus wondered how he could be so stable with such a home life.

He looked up at Professor Binns, who didn't seem to notice half his class was bored to tears. The lecture continued, and Remus zoned out.

~~~*~~~

"First Hogsmeade Weekend this Saturday," Peter said, joining the group at breakfast.

The first month of school had passed quickly and Remus was enjoying his schedule. The last two years at Hogwarts were going to be very easy going. He only had three classes a day, unlike the usual four he'd had in past years. The purpose for this was to give them more time to study for NEWTs, but Remus knew his friends well enough to know their time would be spent planning excursions in the Forbidden Forest, and ways to make Snivellus' life more difficult.

"Excellent," James said in reply to Peter. Sirius sat next to James, Peter next to Remus, who was across from the other two.

Sirius and James. They had a way about them. This showed at breakfast more than anywhere else. James would take the cereal and pour a bowl, then hand the box to Sirius. Then James would pour some milk over his bowl just as Sirius finished pouring his cereal. It was a subconscious routine they'd done since third year. At times Remus envied their friendship. The way they seemed to know one another so seamlessly. It was quiet as everyone ate, but Peter had a grin on his face.

"What's with you, Wormtail?" Sirius asked, finally looking up from his cereal.

Peter looked at him as though he'd just noticed Sirius was there. "Oh, nothing. Just got asked to Hogsmeade." Peter bit into a piece of bacon and smiled.

Sirius looked insulted by the information, as if thinking how rude it was Peter had a date when he didn't. But James chuckled and replied, "Right on. Who with?"

"Annette Bolen." Peter said her name like it was the most beautiful word in the English language. This made Remus laugh.

"The Hufflepuff? Fourth year? A bit young, isn't she, Wormtail?" came Sirius's reply. He still seemed peeved.

"Doesn't matter, does it? It's just Hogsmeade. Not like I asked her to marry me or anything."

Sirius looked as though it did matter, but he took the biscuit James was giving him and buttered it, muttering with a slight shake of his head.

~~~*~~~

Remus sat in the common room of Gryffindor Tower, his books sprawled out over the table. He was vaguely aware of his three friends, just a few feet away plotting something. James, Sirius and Peter were sitting close together around a plush chair, a book propped open in front of them and a roll of parchment in James's lap.

"What do you think would happen if we mixed the Swelling Solution with the Hair Raising Potion? Do you reckon it will make the drinker's hair not only grow, but also clump up in large strands?" Peter looked over the parchment the group was writing on, planning out their new, and according to Sirius, best prank yet.

"Could you see Snivellus with hair like spaghetti?" James laughed. "Maybe we could even put a colouring solution in it and turn it purple."

"Excellent," Sirius said with an ecstatic smile on his face.

"What are you doing?" A voice broke the ease of the group. Prefect Lily Evans stood over them.

James looked at her anxiously for a second, and then put on his smile. "Evans. Come to ask me out, have you?"

"Get bent, Potter. What is that?" She pointed at the parchment Sirius was now stowing in his Charms book.

"It's just homework." James smiled unconvincingly at her.

"Can I see it then?" she asked, her hands on her hips.

"W-what?" James stammered, dropping his smile.

"As Prefect I'm entitled to see what you are doing," Lily stated, narrowing her eyes suspiciously and taking a step toward Sirius.

"Yes, you are," said another voice from behind, startling Lily.

"Remus," Sirius said, relief in his voice.

"Show me the parchment, Sirius," he said, in a cool voice.

Sirius looked sideways to Lily and then to Remus, seeming to survey which candidate would get him in less trouble. He reached in his book, pulled out the parchment and handed it to Remus.

Remus let his eyes scan over the parchment so that it was clear to Lily he was in the pretense of checking it thoroughly. The corner of his mouth twitched only slightly as he casually refolded the parchment and looked back up to meet Lily's scrutinizing gaze. He smiled and confirmed reassuringly, that it was indeed, "Charms homework."

She looked at him, unconvinced, and then stalked off, muttering under her breath, "Of course you wouldn't tell on them. Probably has something to do with..."

Once out of sight Remus sat and opened the parchment again. "You know you can't do this," he said.

"Oh, Moony, come on. It's a brilliant plan," James said, disappointment in his voice.

"No, I mean you can't mix the Hair Raising Potion and the Swelling Solution. The Erumpent Horn from the Swelling Solution will counteract with the puffer fish eyes from the Hair Raising Potion. It'll cause the solution to melt and could result in serious permanent damage if it comes in contact with skin."

The three looked at him amazed. "How did you know that?" Peter asked.

"My uncle mixed them once. Misreading Puffskins as puffer fish eyes. He had to wear a hat over his ears for the rest of his life," Remus stated tragically.

~~~*~~~

The trip to Hogsmeade the next day was typical. The four left Hogwarts with every intention of staying together and causing playful mischief. Peter didn't have to meet Annette until one-thirty. However, as they were leaving the Three Broomsticks, the routine stalled.

Sirius leaned into James as the door to the pub closed. "James, I'm bored," he whined in his only too familiar whine.

"What shall we do then, Sirius?" James asked, a smirk on his face.

"What have you got in mind, my dear Prongsie?"

James laughed. "Perhaps I shan't tell you in the company of these scoundrels." James pointed to Peter and Remus.

Taking the bait Peter chimed in, "Ah, but we can cause trouble with the best of them." He looked at James with admiration. How he wished he could come up with clever things like that. The four walked down the long walks in Hogsmeade, past Honeydukes where Peter looked in the window at the newest candy that made your tongue cover with purple polka dots. Remus just sighed.

"What's with you, Moony? Too good for us?" Sirius teased.

"You lot are going to get my Prefect badge revoked," he said it in an annoyed tone, but the smile on his face gave him away.

"Yeah, right, Remus. Then whom would they give it to? You're the best Gryffindor boy in the sixth year. That's why you got the badge in the first place." Sirius moved his arm off of James and put it on Remus' shoulder. They passed Zonko's where James briefly cocked his head to see the newest merchandise, then they turned down another road. Nobody commented on where they were heading, but they all sort of knew. The four moved silently down the long dirt road toward a pub at the end of the street. The Hog's Head. They sat down toward the back of the pub, and instantly a familiar face greeted them.

"Oi, mates. What are you doing in a dodgy place like this?" Mundungus Fletcher's young form met them. Mundungus had just left Hogwarts the previous year, and James and Sirius credited him with a few of the ideas for some of their better mischief.

"Dung. Sit a spell." Peter looked at him admirably.

"Don't mind if I do." Mundungus sat and signaled to the waitress. "Five glasses of Dragonian's best Dragon Gin, Marieniette."

The waitress gave him a suspicious look but nonetheless a moment later dropped five glasses of smoking liquid on the table. "They students?" the waitress asked in a thick Scottish accent.

"No, Mademoiselle. Just visiting," Remus said in as good a French accent as he could pull off. Considering he spent most of his life in France, it was a convincing one. The waitress didn't look convinced, but turned and headed to the bar.

"So, what are you lads up to?" Mundungus asked a moment before picking up his glass and taking a large gulp of gin.

James looked at the liquid that was still smoking with caution. Peter looked frightened of it. Remus pushed it away politely and Sirius, following Mundungus's lead, gulped a mouthful. Only a second later his eyes bulged from his head and his nostrils flared. However, he wasn't about to admit something was too strong for him, so he just took a deep breath and let out a burp.

It was about an hour later when Remus had to leave for a Prefects' meeting back at Hogwarts. Peter had left only moments ago to meet Annette at Zonko's. Having drunk two glasses of gin, and starting on their third, James and Sirius decided to stay behind. Just as well, Remus thought. He didn't want to deal with their ruckus anyway.

~~~*~~~

The planet Pluto was believed to be formed from the access materials of the other four outer planets. Remus read over the words that he'd just written, then looked down at his astronomy book again. The common room was nearly empty as most of the students were already in their dorms. He'd returned from his Prefects' meeting and had dinner alone; the rest of the gang was still at Hogsmeade, he assumed. He raised his quill to write, when he heard the portrait hole open and someone stumbled through.

"Sirius?" Remus looked at him. His eyes were crossed and he had a stupid smile on his face. Sirius walked shakily toward Remus and sat down. Remus shook his head. "What have you been drinking?"

"Drinking?" Sirius slurred. "I haven't been drinking." His head wobbled a little then straightened up.

"Where are James and Peter?"

"James found a cute little Ravenclaw to entertain himself with. Peter was with Annette, but then they disappeared too. 'S it's just me." He smiled at Remus and threw his hands out in front of him as though presenting himself for the first time.

"Well, we should get you to bed then," Remus said, pulling Sirius up and putting his arm around his shoulder.

"Is that an invitation, Moony?" Sirius said lightly.

Remus ignored him. The other boys knew Remus fancied men. Remus had told them after James tried to set him up with a Hufflepuff girl last year.

He walked with Sirius up to their dormitory and set him on his bed. Sirius lay down immediately, giving Remus a chance to pull his shoes off. "I hate being your mother, Sirius. This really should be James' job since he's the one to blame for you being inebriated." He said it more to himself then to Sirius.

"You're a much better person then my mother," Sirius slurred. He sat up and looked at Remus, his eyes never breaking contact with Remus as he pulled his shirt off.

Remus tried to shift his gaze, but he couldn't take his eyes away. He didn't even pull back like he should have, when Sirius leaned in and pressed his lips gently to his. In fact, he leaned in closer and pressed harder against Sirius's lips. Only when he tasted the liquor on his breath, did he realize what was happening, and he immediately placed a good distance between their bodies. Sirius looked at him pleadingly.

"You're drunk. Get some sleep." Remus stood up abruptly and pulled the curtains shut. He stared at the curtains for a few minutes, trying to process exactly what his body had done when his best friend kissed him. His head was light, but he turned and went back to his Astronomy homework.

The next morning Remus woke and followed his usual routine. Shower, breakfast and then to the common room. It was Sunday, and a few Gryffindors attended religious ceremonies, but most stayed to take advantage of the day.

James and Peter were at a table by the stairway playing Exploding Snap. Sirius was still in the dormitory, unable to wake up. Probably for the best, Remus thought. He wasn't sure he could look his friend in the eye after last night. Remus shouldn't have let his impulse rule out his better judgment. He shouldn't have let Sirius kiss him, and more importantly, he shouldn't have kissed back. He shouldn't have enjoyed it like he did. Sirius fancied girls. And a fumbling drunken kiss with his best friend couldn't mean anything more.

"If we don't know what it says you can't take up space on the board," Remus tried to explain calmly to a third year that was trying to post something on the bulletin board in invisible ink.

"But I told you. It's for the Students in the Invisible Ink Club. They'll know what it means."

Remus rolled his eyes and gently persuaded the boy to take the parchment down and show it to Professor McGonagall, who was Head of Gryffindor house. If McGonagall thought it was okay, then Remus would allow it.

"Sirius," a voice called, causing Remus to turn and look. Sirius was standing at the top of the stairs looking down into the common room at James and Peter, who had questioning looks on their faces. Sirius took the walk down the spiral staircase and sat across the boys.

"What were you doing up there?" Peter asked.

Sirius looked at him slyly and said, "Thinking of the best way to hex that fifth year Slytherin boy. You know the one who put a shrinking solution in your inkwell."

Peter looked glum for a moment. "Yeah, my quill was never found." Then his face lit up again. "What are you thinking of doing?"

Sirius sat down next to the two other boys, and Remus just stood and watched. It should have bothered him that he wanted to watch Sirius. It should bother him that he was starting to question a relationship. It should have. But it didn't.

Remus watched his three best mates sitting in the corner of the room. They were definitely up to something. He considered helping them concoct whatever plan they were coming up with. But he really needed to get more schoolwork done. After last night Remus couldn't think about anything but Sirius. His Astronomy homework made no sense. The words all seemed to jumble together to form the word "Sirius". It was very disheartening to Remus. Sirius was his mate, one of his closest friends and one of his only friends. If he started to crush over his friends, then he wouldn't have anyone. No, it was silly. Sirius's friendship was maybe the most important of the three. Sirius was the one who came to him just after the start of second year and confronted him. He remembered it like it was last week.

It was October 1972; Remus was lying in his bed, tired and disheveled. Sirius, Peter and James came in quietly. "Now, let me do the talking," Sirius said in a whisper to the others.

"Remus?" Sirius sat on the bed, James and Peter standing just behind him.

Remus stirred. "Wake up, mate. We need to talk to you about something."

Remus opened his eyes and blinked a few times. "What's wrong?" he asked, sure that it had to be something dire for them to all be looking at him so severely.

"I was doing some reading in my Magical Monsters book. Um, I found something very interesting." Sirius looked over his shoulder. How was he supposed to say this? He tossed an open book down on his bed. The page was open to reveal the heading, How to tell if your enemy is a werewolf... Remus lost all the colour in his face. "Look, we're just going to ask you. And you don't have to tell us if you don't want to, but it won't change anything either way. Just tell us." Sirius stalled a moment and then said, very quickly, "Are you a werewolf?"

Remus looked like he might be sick. His nostrils flared a little and he closed his eyes. But then he calmly answered, "Yes."

Peter gasped and James took a small unconscious step back, but Sirius didn't move. He didn't look upset or disgusted or terrified. He just gazed back at Remus with his deep, dark eyes, silently.

"I was five. We were camping in Italy. My sister was just a baby, just starting to walk well. She required a lot of attention. My father was asleep inside the tent and I was out by the campfire with Mum and Ophelia. We were roasting pork. She told me to keep an eye on Ophelia, that she had an errand to run while Papa was sleeping. He didn't like her to abuse her magic, so she preferred to shop for magical things when he was sleeping. And we were close to the Italian wizarding shops." He paused, his eyes not leaving Sirius, who in turn had not taken his eyes off Remus.

"I turned my back for a second. Only a second. And next think I knew Ophelia was gone. I called for her, several times, and she didn't answer. I don't know why I didn't think to tell my father. Instead, knowing Mum would be angry that I lost my sister, I went looking for her in the forest. It was dark, and the only light was from the full moon. I only went in a little way before I felt a terrible sensation that something horrible was going to happen. I thought now of going to Papa. So I turned to go back."

"I didn't see him there at first. When I did see him I remember thinking he was beautiful. I stared into his eyes, and the longer I stared the more entranced with the wolf I became. He was unlike any wolf I'd seen in the books Mum read to me. And then I just wasn't scared anymore. I took a step toward him and he lunged at me. I remember feeling betrayed at first. Why did he want to attack me? Then I just felt pain. Searing pain in my shoulder." Remus, his eyes now glazed over reliving this, pulled his shirt down to reveal a scar on his left shoulder.

"I screamed and my father came out of the tent. The wolf was gone by then," Remus had a tear on his cheek. "We found out later who the wolf was. Fenrir Greyback. He'd met my mother and father years back, before I was even born. He was human when they met at some wizarding party or something. He wasn't a nice man, he wasn't neatly groomed. My mother felt he was more of a recluse, and wanted to talk to him. She loved talking to people who looked interesting; she loved hearing their experiences. Well, Papa didn't like that he was being so friendly with my mother and politely asked the man to leave her alone. He snarled at Papa, but left the party shortly after." Remus looked up at James and Peter, who looked less terrified and more compassionate. And then to Sirius, who looked as though he had just lived through the attack himself. He let out a sigh and said, "It was after I was bitten Papa didn't want Mum using magic anymore. He didn't want any part of the wizarding world. She felt guilty enough and she did what he asked." His eyes met Sirius's again; he seemed to be the least horrified by what the twelve-year-old had just revealed.

"Well, it doesn't matter to us, does it?" Sirius finally said after a moment of quiet.

James and Peter agreed. "We know who you are now," James said, smiling slightly. Then to make light of it he said, "There's not anything else you want to tell us is there? You aren't also a vampire? Or a merman in disguise?" The four of them laughed. And from then on their friendship was cemented.

This was the reason it bothered him that since last night he was starting to see Sirius in a different way. Not that he hadn't always sort of had a crush on him, everyone did. Sirius Black was the best-looking boy in Gryffindor. All the girls wanted him, and it seemed to Remus that most of those girls got him. Which was another reason he was so confused. Sirius was drunk last night. He probably didn't even remember. So Remus would just pretend it didn't happen. He would go on just as he had before. It shouldn't be too difficult, if only Sirius wouldn't look so good in his trousers.