Wonderwall

Wonderwall and other wall inspired cliches.

If these walls could talk.

It's one of those Muggle sayings that often get passed around the wizard population through the Muggle-borns and their families. It makes no sense whatsoever to the natives, of course. What d'you mean, 'if these walls could talk'? they exclaim. What do you mean, 'if'?

The question shouldn't have been, 'if these walls could talk', but, 'if these walls bothered talking.'

Because walls did not often talk. If the walls bother to talk, it was usually muttered grumbling. Walls don't like touching things; they hate wall paper and they hate pictures being hung on them, and they hate other walls touching them on the sides.

Hogwarts's walls are particularly odious. They are old and irritable, and say hardly anything at all. Humans believe they had changed over the years, but really, they were all the same. Gossiping was left to the portraits, who do a splendid job. Particularly tetchy walls tend to move around the castle, which confused the students as much as the moving stairs did.

And what was the point of talking to another wall about the goings on of a century-old school? It's not like the walls haven't seen it all before.

They've seen James Potter turn Severus Snape into a snake in the fifth floor corridor. They've seen Remus Lupin and Sirius Black share their first kiss in the Quidditch changing rooms. They've seen Zacharias Smith finger Pansy Parkinson behind Greenhouse Four. They've seen Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown swap knickers, and they've seen Cho Chang teach Terry Boot how to put eyeliner on properly, and so on. They have also watched boys piss on the toilet seat about a thousand times; nothing surprises walls anymore.

The third floor boys toilets have several walls, all of which have stains all over them. One of the tall stall walls is called Martha (real name Marthacaloufiggleworrybootpootsentimenglefargergarbbledlabelfwenciacowingsop - walls have very long names because they are made up of so many bricks and dirt and things) and she has stains and graffiti all over her.

One day, Harry Potter, being one of those boys who are scared shitless of public urinals, pushes past Fee Fee (the door) and stands between Sippy (Martha's best friend) and Martha. He starts to do his business standing up, and in nervous boredom reads what Martha has to say.

This is what Harry reads:

DRACO MALFOY IS A POUF

HE LOVES IT UP THE ARSE

HP & DM sit in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g and have babys

(Scribbled) Thats fucking gross!!!! Harry is hopper and larky... (Harry can't read the rest because it's so badly written.)

Harry, dick still in his hand, stares, and has so many mixed feelings about what he is currently re-reading that it takes him quite a long time to process it all.

In the meantime, the author is now going to tell the reader what exactly it is Martha knows about her involuntary message.

The first two lines were written by two third year boys whom hate Draco Malfoy, because Draco Malfoy pushed the two boys over last year in the corridor for what seemed for no reason at all except he thought it was funny. Sam Pratt and Sean Forrest had wanted the graffiti to upset Malfoy and maybe spread rumours about him. What Sam Pratt and Sean Forrest hadn't realised, thick as bricks as they were, was that their accusations were completely and utterly true, and in the long run the graffiti only served Draco Malfoy well.

In fact, as Harry Potter is thinking that Malfoy did have rather nice hair so yeah, perhaps he is... like... that, Draco Malfoy is up in a deserted room in the Astronomy Tower trying to break up with his boyfriend Adrian Pucey. It isn't going very well, and it's driving Draco Malfoy up the wall, so to speak.

Back to Martha. The third line was written by Morris Pratchett, a first year Hufflepuff with blonde hair and bad grammar. After writing on Martha he had spent the day giggling his little head off.

The third was read incorrectly only moments ago. It was written by Seamus Finnigan and what Seamus had actually written was this:

That's fecking grouse!!!! Harry is hotter and lovelier than Malfoy and I would snog him any day PS Malfoy is an eejit.

Harry, pulling his trousers up properly, comes to the conclusion that Draco Malfoy is very pretty, and Harry will watch him for a while to see if Malfoy really is gay.

As Harry is leaving the toilets, Draco is stomping down the Astronomy Tower stairs. They are thinking about each other in the exact same way, at the exact same time.

There's proof too: the writing's on the wall.

End.