Missing

Missing

Please, please forgive me,

But I won't be home again.

Ginny rolled silently out of bed, glancing at the still figure of her husband one last time to make sure he was really asleep. His breathing was even and methodical, and the sheets were twisted in his legs. Moonlight was splashed across the bed from the open window, making him look so innocent, more like the man she used to know.

When she finally decided that he was sound asleep, she crouched at the side of the bed and reached under to grab the duffel bag she had packed earlier while he was at work. She slung it over her shoulder and quickly crept over to the dresser to grab a few last minute things: A sweater, a few more pairs of underwear, and her husband's bag of galleons. She didn't feel guilty in the least for taking it.

Maybe someday you'll have woke up,

And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:

"Isn't something missing?"

She stopped at the door to look one last time at all she was walking away from. Ginny smiled a little at the thought that in her youth she had idolized the man lying in her bed now. But if she had known he was capable of hurting her like he did...she shuttered. How could the man that had saved them all, that was a Gryffindor, pure of heart, and brave...be so deceitful? How could he possibly be capable of hurting one person as much as he did? Ginny's mind reeled, as she took in all that he was one last time, her heart full of longing...wishing things could have been different...

His raven was hair plastered to his head from the sweat of the lovemaking they'd done only hours before; his green eyes shut, his mind taken to somewhere in a dream. He was every bit as beautiful and charming as the first time she had laid eyes on him when she was a child.

His eyelids fluttered under the moonlight and he sighed. It was as if he already knew what was going on.

She yawned and turned away, not daring to look back, because she knew that if she did...her heart would betray her mind and she would never truly be able to leave. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and padded silently to the front door. She put her hand on the doorknob, and hesitated only for a second before turning it and stepping out into the cool summer evening.

You won't cry for my absence, I know -

You forgot me long ago.

She knew he would wonder for a while why she had left. And then he would realize it: she knew. She'd known for at least a year now. Crying on the nights he didn't come home, and then the next morning him claiming to have had to work late, and couldn't possibly find the time to send an owl. When he came home smelling like her, even tasting like her favorite champagne, with lipstick smudges on the collar of his robes. In a way it kind of hurt that he thought she could be so stupid as to not notice.

Obviously it wouldn't bother him that she'd gone. Then he could have free reign with his woman. He wouldn't have to worry about cooking up more lies to satisfy "the wife." Ginny knew that she should have confronted him about ages ago, when she first put the pieces together. But she was never a confrontation type of person. She was a more passive-aggressive type of person. Anyway...it wouldn't matter. He loved her, this woman. She had intercepted many owls carrying love letters...to and fro. She tried to tell herself that it didn't matter that he didn't love her anymore...that it didn't mater that she meant nothing to him.

For a while she thought about trying to discover whom it was. The love letters that Ginny had found were never signed. She supposed that had she done a little bit of digging, she could have found out who it was. And then she came to a point that she realized that she didn't want to know. The fact that it could be someone else she knew, and cared for, was all that kept her at bay. She could endure this hurt...but she wasn't sure how much more she would be capable of taking.

Well, she thought bitterly, bringing her hand protectively over her stomach, if he only knew how I'm hurting him now. She was pregnant with his child. She never told him. And she never planned to. She smiled the tiniest bit.

Am I that unimportant...?

Am I so insignificant...?

Isn't something missing?

Isn't someone missing me?

A pang of sadness and grief struck her heart thinking about the fact that he would probably be glad that she was gone. The more she thought about it, the more she began to see that their three years of marriage had probably been a lie. Not on her part of course...she loved him with every fiber of her being. She would do anything to stay with him. Unfortunately...anything isn't possible right now, she thought sadly, a lone tear rolling down her cheek.

She had no idea where she was going; she just kept walking down the windy lane, towards the forest. She wanted to get as far away from him as possible. Away from this place that held so many memories, so many lies. She wanted to go someplace where he would never find her. She thought for a moment of The Burrow, but decided that that would probably be the first place he looked for her. She had to get out of the Wizarding world, out of Godric's Hollow.

Even though I'd be sacrificed,

You won't try for me, not now.

Though I'd die to know you love me,

I'm all alone.

She sat down abruptly on a boulder, and placed her face in her hands. Try as she might, she could not stop the torrent of tears that came forth. What will I do? Where will I go? What about the baby? She thought frantically. Maybe leaving wasn't the best idea...a small voice piped up. She stopped crying immediately.

"Of course leaving was a good idea!" she screamed into the night. There came no reply. "How could he do this to me? How? All I ever did was love him, all I ever wanted to do, since the time I was ten years old, was love him the way he deserves to be loved!" she cried, her heart breaking all over again as she said these words. She sniffled and looked up at the stars. Painful memories came rushing back.

It was the night he had proposed to her. They were lying on a blanket under the stars. He was matching each freckle on her face to a star in the evening sky, trying to find constellations in both. He kissed the tip of her nose and pulled out a black velour box.

"I love you so much...with everything that I am. Now that the war is over, we can finally be together," he said, slipping the ring on her finger. "Will you marry me?" he asked, staring into her eyes.

His voice faded into an echo as the sickening reality came rushing back to her. She tore her gaze painfully away from the stars, and stared at her feet. She was wearing her slippers, and her cotton nightdress. She pulled the sweater from the bag and wrapped it around her shoulders.

Isn't someone missing me?

She looked up at the stars, and the lonely moon, and wondered if he would feel bad about what he did when he woke up and realized she wasn't there. She thought he might. Be he had changed. He was not the same person that he was before the war. She could no longer predict the way he would react, the choices he would make. So, he very well could feel remorse for tearing her heart out...and all the same, he could feel nothing.

Please, please forgive me,

But I won't be home again.

Ginny stood up and decided that it was time to get going if she was ever going to leave. She craned her neck to see their quaint home atop a tiny hill in the distance. She reminded herself absently that this would be the last time she ever saw that house, if she had anything to do with it.

I know what you do to yourself,

Shudder deep and cry out:

"Isn't something missing?

Isn't someone missing me?"

She wandered her way down the lane until the tiny house could no longer be seen. She stuck her wand arm out and stepped back suddenly as the silent air rang with a loud POP! And a violently purple three-decker bus appeared suddenly before her. The doors opened and the conductor asked her destination.

"Muggle London please," she said, handing him three galleons. He nodded his head and told her to take a bed at the back. She wearily made her way to the bed, with its patchwork quilt, and sat down. She was too awake now to sleep.

Her mind was buzzing. She sat there in complete silence, not in the slightest bit unnerved by the violent jerking and lurching of the bus, until the conductor's voice rang out, "Muggle London. Thank you for riding the Knight Bus."

She wandered mindlessly, numbly, to the front of the bus and stepped off onto a concrete sidewalk.

"Where to now, Ginny?" she asked herself quietly. She saw a small battered sign blowing in the light wind that read: The Sheffield Inn. She made her way for it and ambled inside. It smelled of freshly baked bread, and there was a warm fire lit in the grate at the other side of the room. There were also two small round tables with two battered wooden chairs at each, and a lumpy-looking green couch in front of the fire. It was very cozy.

Ginny went to the front counter and rung the little bell. A short, stout woman with short curly blond hair came out from a door that Ginny hadn't noticed.

"What can I do for yeh, deary?" she asked, smiling warmly.

"I-I'd like a room," Ginny said uneasily.

"Of course, of course!" said the woman and came around the desk and took Ginny's bag. "But first yeh need feedin', you look a right mess," she said, eyeing Ginny's slippers and nightgown. She bustled off up a flight of stairs and returned a minute later, and chivvied Ginny into a chair at one of the tables by the fire. She left yet again and returned with a plate of bread and butter, and a bowl of warm soup. She also brought a cup of tea.

As Ginny started to eat, the woman took the seat across from her.

"So," she said, "what brings a fine young woman like yerself to a place like The Sheffield Inn at a time like this?" she asked, in a motherly fashion. Ginny found herself really liking this Muggle woman.

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,

Knowing you don't care.

And if I sleep just to dream of you

And wake without you there

Ginny sighed. "My...my husband has been cheating on me," she said quietly. "And I left him tonight."

The woman's smiled faltered just a bit. She reached out and placed her hand gently on Ginny's arm.

"It happens to the best of us," she said, smiling sadly, patting Ginny's arm now.

"Your husband cheated on you?" she asked blandly, sipping her tea in between bites of bread.

"Oh yes," she said. "But revenge is sweet. I left see, when I was pregnant with his child. He never knew, and I never told him. Except this one time," she chuckled slightly. Ginny's jaw had dropped open, but the woman didn't seem to notice and she continued, "I decided to really get him good. I sent him a picture of my daughter, on her second birthday. Changed my name, and moved here. I knew he'd never find me. The best part was knowing that he would have to live with the fact that he knew he had a daughter, and that he would never see her." The woman gazed into the fire, reminiscing.

Ginny gazed into the fire, pondering.

"How did you get on?" asked Ginny somewhat eagerly. "How did you support yourself and the baby?"

"Started out workin' nights as a maid here, did other odd jobs 'round the city, but workin' here was where most of my money came from. I became real close to the owner, see. And one day, she passed, and left the place to me," the woman said, smiling jovially now.

Ginny continued to stare glumly at her. The woman picked up Ginny's expression and sighed.

"I know yer next question," she said softly. Ginny raised her eyebrows. "Does the hurt ever go away...the feeling of betrayal that someone you loved so much could do such a thing to you? The answer is simple. No, it never goes away, but you can do things to get around it, and learn to accept it. There are some wounds time can't heal, but you can do a pretty good job of it yerself," she said just as softly, squeezing Ginny's hand.

"But, I can sum up about everything I've learned about life in three words: it goes on. Don't try and put it all behind you...accept it. Trying to hide from yer past will only hurt you more. The way I see it, you can either run from it, and get hurt...or learn from it, and move on," the woman said kindly, still holding Ginny's hand comfortingly.

Ginny's response was to bury her face in her hands and start to cry.

"Now, now," said the woman, getting up out of her seat to throw her arm around Ginny's shoulders. "Each day the sun rises and sets. Each day is a chance for something better. Each new day gives us the chance to learn from the previous day, and our mistakes...as well as the mistakes of others," the woman said, pulling Ginny out of her chair and guiding her up the stairs to her room.

"Now get some sleep, and start over again tomorrow. Everything will be ok," she said, tucking Ginny into bed like a child. Ginny didn't protest at all. She was suddenly very, very tired. The woman left, and shut the door behind her.

Isn't something missing?

Isn't something...?

Ginny realized that she was right. Tomorrow she would start over. She knew, before the woman even told her, that the pain would never go away. But tomorrow was the chance for something new, and better. Tomorrow the pain would lessen.

There was certainly something missing from her life now, and there always would be. But tomorrow was the chance to fill the void, to forget that she was missing, and being missed.

Tomorrow was the chance to learn from it, and move on. Tomorrow stretched out in front of Ginny like an infinite white light, filling Ginny with the hope of better things to come.

"Tomorrow," she muttered sleepily, rolling over. "Tomorrow."