My Flower

Between sunny days and long nights, red hair and green eyes, and friendships and full-moons...the green eyes engraved themselves in my memory like nothing else.

"James and Lily. Lily and James," everyone had chanted when we were seventeen. Do you still remember?

Sometimes it was in jest, sometimes in vain, sometimes to annoy, sometimes in annoyance, and sometimes just so. Sirius and I, alone, had chanted those words enough times to hear them ring in our own ears after drilling them into poor James. Oh but he was not so poor, after all, now was he? I often ask myself that. Actually, he was not ever poor in any way at all, not that I was ever jealous of my dear friend's many material and non-material riches. 'Jealous' is too powerful a word and I have never liked using it. I wasn't even envious - if that's any better - it was simply the fact that there was no real reason to pity him.

Remus Lupin. What a name! I have always wanted to ask what my poor mother was thinking. It was almost as bad as cursing your son to lycanthropy as soon as he was born. Both words "Remus" and Lupin" had enough associations with canines, wolves specifically, before my curse. Or was it a blessing?

I recall an old friend telling me that everything always happened for the better. Even though it made no sense to me, I did not challenge her then and let her believe that the words were comforting. Since then though, I had always secretly wondered: how could something as atrocious as lycanthropy possibly be a blessing in disguise? Oh, and that friend was not you, Lily.

You have, however, always been a great friend on your own part. A great person. I could easily sit here and dissect the word 'friend' and what it implies and how can someone possibly distinguish people in his or her mind using that very hilariously vague word. I have always been known as everyone's friend, but then I wonder, what was I to them really? Much more? Much less? And will I ever know? For instance, what was I to you?

I don't think I will ever understand how your mind works. Oh yes, I know the word lycanthropy sums up Remus Lupin very well, but you have never said that and I will never accuse you of saying that; those words are mine alone.

If only it was because of that one word, I might have understood. But you never quite pitied me. I knew you, generally knew what you were like (as much as possible, considering we never truly understand the opposite sex), and therefore knew that was not the reason why.

I guess it all comes down to the fact that you have always had a big heart.

Let us rewind, my dear Lily, turn back time, even if only in our minds. And I shall try to remember what made me who I was to you, and then, what I became to you.

It sometimes makes me smile, and sometimes cry, but I guess we all need to reflect sometimes. Those times...

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"Remus! Help me."

"What's wrong?"

"Transfiguration. Paper due tomorrow. Test the day after. I swear McGonagall's out to get me. I'm going to dieeee!"

He smiled. "You need to start doing your homework, woman."

"I'm not even twelve!!! Don't call me that!"

He laughed "Alright, woman."

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"So how're you feeling Remus?"

"Okay, I guess."

She examined him to see if he was telling the truth. Finding no playful accusations to throw at him, she asked "Do you ever remember what happens the morning after?" After receiving a confused look from him, not earnestly-confused though, "You know...after the full moon?" she apologetically added.

He sighed, obviously unable to stall any longer. "Yes. Sometimes. I'd rather not though."

"Rather not remember, or talk of it?"

"Both...I guess. Remembering is worse though. But I guess in order to talk of it, I need to remember." Their eyes met for a brief moment, very brief. He was the one to break the contact. "Can we drop it?" He focused on the thick book in his hands.

"Oh Remus..." she said softly, "...you're such a nice person."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"You're the last person who deserves to go through all this! And you're so young but forced to be so old. Your hair's graying at fourteen Remus...fourteen!"

"My hair's always been that way," he lied.

"But Remus..." She spoke as if she felt his pain jab at her. It was clear from her voice. This wasn't right, he thought, he was only spreading more pain.

"Some things," he said slowly and conclusively, "are meant to be."

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"Hey Remus. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Did you know," she started rather enthusiastically, "that you're the greatest friend I have, and the greatest person I know, all combined in one?" When she was done, she beamed at him like a girl of ten, at most, even though she was quite a bit older now.

"Thank you ...I think," and Lupin added with a laugh, "but greatest person? What about Jimmy-boy though?"

"James is weird. James is funny...James is a git. Basically, James is James. And besides, he's best friends with Sirius."

"Oh I see where you're going," Remus teased, "I'm the last resort, huh?"

"No! Even if they were all available to be best friends, I'd pick you anyway! Remus, Remus, Remus! Always, forever, and always!"

Even though she said it so breezily, he knew deep down that she was telling the truth. He laughed nevertheless, and told her wryly that he was touched.

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He opened his eyes and was startled. "Lily! What the hell are you doing here? Who let you in!?" He had sworn to himself long ago that he would never let her see him when he transformed...or the morning after, wrecked and vulnerable.

She looked at him, almost teary-eyed, and he regretted his roughness immediately. In the hospital wing, only Sirius and James were supposed to be with him after he woke up from those monthly living nightmares. He sat up but now her face was turned away. "Lily I'm sorry," he whispered croakily, "It's just that you're not supposed to be here. Sirius and James weren't supposed to..."

"James let me in." She said darkly. "Are you going to kill him for it? Before you do, just know that I came because I wanted to see you. I wanted to know how you were doing." Her voice was slowly breaking, "You're my best friend and I cared Remus. I care..." She stood up now, and he saw two small, clear drops - tears, doubtlessly - spot the white sheets. "I'm sorry," she said bitterly.

"Lily," he reached for her hand but she had already started walking away.

You stupid, stupid animal, he told himself, making stupid promises, and then reacting so stupidly when something happens that you clearly cannot control. "Li-ly!" he said one last time, almost like a pleading little boy, but she did not turn back.

She did not speak to him for a day. Such a short time...a day. It felt like a hundred.

Later, she had told him that she could not find a way in this world to be angry with him for much longer.

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"Guess what?" she asked one day, staring at the night sky.

"I'm guessing..." Like her, he had his back against the wall, and followed her gaze to the stars.

"You're taking too long, silly!"

"Well you told me to guess and I'm a slow guy. Let's hear it."

"Well..." she started rather gloomily, "James asked me out today."

"That's great. He's planned it out for ages, you know." He was amazed at the evenness in his voice, and at how he actually managed to sound pleased. "So what did you say?"

"I told him to wait," she sighed, "I didn't say 'no' because I felt kind of bad. I've stopped being mean to him and it would sound kind of harsh."

He could've sworn that his heart had skipped a beat but still his voice did not fluctuate. "That was kind of you, I guess. But why make him wait?"

At this, she turned to face him. "Because Remus..." she whispered, getting a confused look from him. She then shook her head of flowing red hair in response. "You won't understand."

"Try me." He was looking at her with a deep attention to detail; he had not done such a thing in years. The slight wave of childhood in her hair had disappeared, her skin was smoother, and she now carried herself with a reckless grace, being childish and mature all at once. But one thing, he was certain, had not changed at all in the six years he had known her. Her vivid green eyes were full of light...even if she was nearly in tears. He remembered the topic at hand and pressed on because she was still silent. "Lily..."

"Remus..." she let her eyes linger on his for a second longer and then, rather abruptly, walked away.

He wondered later if she had spoken to him without words that night and his suspicions were confirmed a month or so later.

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"No matter what I say, you won't laugh at me right?"

"That depends," he said matter-of-factly, "What if you tell me a joke?"

"No!" she was slightly annoyed. "No joke. But you won't hate me though, will you?"

"Oh no," he smiled, "that much I can guarantee."

"Promise?"

"Cross my heart," he said grinning, "For you, my flower...always, and don't forget it."

He tried to not smile too much and reach out for her because the adorably worried expression on her face tempted him to do so.

"I love you Remus."

He chuckled, "because I said I won't hate you for what you have to say? Oh come on!"

"No. That was what I had to say."

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It was late and the common room was empty of all Gryffindors except for Lily Evans and Remus Lupin, who were doing homework, and reading, respectively.

"It's past midnight!" she slammed her Potions book shut, "Aren't you ever going to sleep?"

"Eventually," he said casually from behind his book, seated in a very cozy chair. Truth be told, he was half asleep where he was.

Conversation had been awkward between them for the past while.

She strode towards him and stood in front of him, pulling his book away. He simply cocked his head and studied her, as if waiting to hear what he was supposed to do instead of read. She seemed to read his mind, but took a direction that he preferred not to pursue. He, however, did not have much of a choice or will to resist.

"You didn't give me an answer." Her voice was very even and cool.

"I did," he said calmly, deliberately misunderstanding, "I said I'd go to sleep eventually."

"Not that!" She sounded more stubborn than ever. "About the other night."

"Oh," he cracked his knuckles nonchalantly, feeling sickeningly like Sirius. "You never asked a question." Sirius, however, would have smiled as he said this, had he been in Remus' position.

Lily gaped at him but he grabbed her hand before she had time to react further. "Lily," he said her name very clearly, "this is not a game."

She gave him a very hurt look but did not snatch her hand away like he had half expected her to. Instead she asked, with such an uncharacteristic serenity, "Remus, I want to know, do you love me?"

While time had stopped for a moment, he wanted to ask her if this was why she didn't accept James. It was a stupid question but it lingered in his mind. Finally he decided against asking it and decided against answering. What he did do, was no less remarkable though.

"Lily..." he sighed, and gently pulled her down to his level by her hand.

She did not resist but when they were face to face, she said quietly, "You're not giving me an answer. Why?" The look on her face was unbearably heartbreaking, "I can handle a 'no', Remus. I'm a big girl."

"No, my flower...you're not," he whispered raggedly, feeling a fiery longing in his fingertips. She parted her lips as if to say something but no words came out. Instead she looked at him - or into him: heart, mind, and soul - steadily.

After holding her crestfallen gaze for a moment or so, he put a hand in her hair and slowly and softly brushed his lips against hers.

She kissed him back so deeply and wholeheartedly, igniting and then intensifying a fire within, and perhaps that was what really tore him deep inside. With every breath, he thought: this won't work. You're not made for me. I'll love you for life...for eternity. Forever and ever, and even deeper than James Potter. But Lily, my Lily...you won't understand.

He found it hard to break away but when he did, he forced himself to go to his dormitory wordlessly despite how deeply his mind and heart were into other things.

If she had been sleepless that night, he was sure she was not the only one because it also bothered him that once again he had left her without an answer.

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"Hey Lily, what's wrong?" Once again, there had been a subtle friction between them. Only this time it went beyond a day.

She turned her cross face away from him, saying sourly, "Don't talk to me Remus."

"Why?" he asked, very plainly.

"Because I don't want to talk to you."

"Why?"

"Because you're toying with me! Cut it out, Lupin!"

"What makes you think that?"

"James wants an answer!"

"So give it to him."

"And I want an answer!"

"So?"

"Give it to me."

"What's the use Lily?"

"Aaaahhh! You're making me mental, Remus Lupin! I had never thought it would be you."

He did not know what to say to that so he put an arm around her awkwardly, and to his surprise, she willingly turned to be held by him in silence.

It always amazed him that regardless of the great bitterness she seemed to express against him from time to time, she never resisted his touch.

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A snowflake landed on her nose and after looking at it with a smile for a moment, he kissed it. The snowflake, her nose, or both. Despite the snow and the cold winds, this winter felt unusually warm.

She laughed, pushing him away, and he was happy because she was laughing, even though he was withering away on the inside.

"Does it even mean anything Remus?"

"Of course it does," he replied simply, "I just don't know what."

She seemed a little disappointed after this, but beautifully so because the cold had made her cheeks pinker and her lips redder. Touching his nose she said, not all too seriously, "you frustrate me sometimes."

"Only sometimes?" he smiled at her fondly, kissing her again. This time on her lips.

She didn't push him away so quickly but let his kiss linger instead. He could almost taste it. Sweet. Fragile. Mesmerizing.

Lily, my Lily. Lily, my flower.

It felt as if she knew that nothing was going to become of them. But he loved her for not saying it out loud right now. He wanted - he needed - this moment. He also wondered idly if she even knew that he loved her, because she had stopped asking. Surely by now she would've guessed it from his eyes, felt it in his touch, or sensed it in his smile.

He pulled away and a sudden wind blew her fiery tresses into his face. Again, he smiled. It seemed he could not help it, could not stop himself. And she smiled back.

Did she know?

Had she guessed?

...It didn't really matter anyway.

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The seasons changed, and so did they, being forced to grow with the world around them. Now the nights came later and the days were longer, and if one tried hard enough, one could almost pretend to stop time when the sun was out.

One summer day, they stood under a tree, chatting, laughing, and trying to pretend that they weren't in a world that seemed it would soon be possessed by darkness.

He leaned against the thick trunk and closed his eyes as sunlight spilled between the branches, painting his face with patches of gold. Still, he had not told her how he felt. And still, he had no intention of doing so. At times like these, he felt he didn't need to.

In a way, they were together. They had learned to love without words. Inseparable, he wanted to say -even if only to himself- but he didn't dare utter a word so powerful.

But right now, it didn't matter anyway...anyway. He felt the breeze through his hair, her touch on his cheek, and her soft whisper nearby. "You're so beautiful Remus."

He opened an eye, then the other, and started to laugh. "You're so blind, Lily Evans." No one had called him beautiful before. Not even cute.

She smiled a little, lowering her gaze, and suddenly turned grave when her eyes rested on his shirt collar.

Remus sighed wearily and placed a hand on the opening of his collar. It had been warm weather so he had decided to unbutton the very top of his shirt, forgetful of the scars from the nightmarish nights of his transformation that were underneath. He was grateful that she had neither gasped and pointed it out, nor given him pity, because he was hardly in the mood for that.

What she did do was grab the hand he tightly clenched his collar with, pull it away, and look him steadily in the eye.

"Rough nights," he mumbled, looking away.

"I know. Don't try and cover it up from me. You know I don't care Remus."

"Don't care that I'm a werewolf? It's an easy thing to say, but do you believe it when you say it?"

"Absolutely. You're so young Remus," she said sadly, "too young to go through what you have to go through."

"Young and beautiful..." he said, gazing heavenward "is what you are. I'm a monster, Lily. But thank you for your continual kindness."

"Why are you doing this to yourself?"

"Because it's who we are, my flower. Have you ever heard of the Muggle tale 'Beauty and the Beast?' That is who we are together." He was still avoiding her eyes because now he knew she was crying very silently.

"You know, I know you loved me Remus. I wanted to you to admit it because I didn't want to live with the assumption...but I guess since you can't get past hating yourself, there isn't much hope for us."

He looked at her now, at a loss for words, and cupped his hands around her tear-streaked face.

"Just remember," she said in a harsh whisper, "the only one that hates you is yourself! Why don't you understand?" She was louder now. "Why, why, why, Remus?" He pulled her into a crushing embrace, silencing her for a moment as she buried her head into his chest, now trembling uncontrollably. "It kills me to see you so sad. You won't even begin to understand..."

You won't understand, Lily. You can't. It was maddening to hold such fire inside right now but he knew that one of them had to.

"Here I am trying to make you see...but you don't understand! I love you Remus! But you won't ever understand what love is!"

"And do you understand it, my Lily?" he asked in a whisper, eyes shining with restrained tears of his own. "After all, here you are, so young and beautiful."

This seemed to break her, and eliminate any calm that may have remained in her. "Don't turn it on me! I understand enough to at least admit it! But you won't admit it and you won't understand. You won't! You won't! You won't!"

And she tore away from his arms, turning around, and said very bitterly, "I could probably marry James for all you care," and with that she strode away.

And marry James, she would.

But would Remus never understand? He didn't seem to agree with that. To him, it seemed that he had always understood love. He had needed it more than anyone else, he felt. And one generally understands and greatly values what he desperately needs.

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But Lily, you have given me love. Even if for a while and not forever, you gave me love the way I wanted and needed love. And that is perhaps the only thing that comes back to calm me and silence my regret when I think of why I let you go.

I always asked myself why. But now I wonder that maybe you had asked it more fiercely, and you almost had more of a right to do so. If only things were different, what would I have done? Probably not much. But I chose friendship over love a long time ago. My friendship with James, and even more than that, my friendship with you - a friendship that gave me more love than a relationship ever could...perhaps. Half my mind still reminds me every day that I was a fool in thirty ways to let you go, but despite even that, I can hear a faint voice tell me that we were never meant to be that way, and merely fated to be friends.

It seems that my instincts were right the first time I kissed you: It won't work, you're not made for me... even though it had felt so right.

You're marrying James this month...he is a very lucky man and you're no less lucky yourself.

I wish you all the best, dear Lily.

And thank you, my flower, for all you have done.

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He rolled up the parchment and placed the quill on the desk.

Three more nights till the full moon, he thought vaguely, and two more weeks till the Evans-Potter wedding. They had chosen a convenient time for his sake. Good friends.

He opened the second desk drawer and tucked the rolled parchment neatly in the corner. He was not planning to send it to Lily anyway. He thought with a smile that it probably wouldn't be the best thing for her to read two weeks prior to her wedding. But it didn't matter anyway.

Maybe someday, when he was dead, or had disappeared - in any case, far from the people he knew - someone would find it and know how one girl had changed his life. For the sake of memory, he imagined: here was the childish love story of Lily Evans and Remus Lupin.

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