Translating Mad Things Girls Do so Guys can Understand Them

“You should write a book,” Ron told Hermione as he cut up his potatoes, “translating mad things girls do so boys can understand them.” ...

“So, Ron Weasley, that’s exactly what I did!” said Hermione as she smiled at the bemused look on Ron’s face a fortnight later. She then slammed a large volume onto the nearby table.

Ron gave her a disgusted look as he opened the book.

“You wrote a foreword?” Ron exclaimed as he flipped through the pages. “Hermione, I’m barely finding time to do homework and you manage to write an entire book?” Ron looked at her with a half-annoyed, half-deeply impressed face.

Hermione merely shrugged and then proceeded to go back to doing homework. But it appeared that her concentration was in vain as Harry’s booming voice was prominently announcing, “The Ministry are morons,” from the giant Quibbler posted on the wall. Her irritation grew, and she soon announced that she couldn’t concentrate and continued up to her dormitory.

Ron shook his head and looked to Harry, who was trying to subdue the spell that Fred and George had put on the poster that afternoon. It was still shouting things, though half-heartedly. In the last few minutes, it had taken to repeating “dung” over and over again in a squeaky voice that was very unlike Harry’s and very reminiscent of Professor Umbridge’s.

“I didn’t mean that she should actually write a book,” said Ron, staring at the volume. Harry merely shrugged as he finally resorted to tearing down the Quibbler and tossing it out the window.

“I mean this is just mad,” said Ron as he once again flipped through the pages, as if not believing that there were actual words written on them.

“Well, maybe she translated why she wrote it in there,” said Harry, who finally sat down, looking thoroughly exhausted.

“I’m not going to read it,” said Ron resolutely as he pushed the book aside and instead picked up his potions essay. Harry quietly agreed as the two resumed their homework and tried to block out the noisy sounds of a few Gryffindor third-years at the other side of the common room.

After a few minutes, the scratching of Ron’s quill stopped and he looked once again to the large book residing on the table.

“It probably doesn’t even make sense,” said Ron, after a few more minutes of staring at it.

Waiting for a response, he looked to Harry, but it appeared that other things were occupying him. The chatty third-years were now bombarding him with questions and begging him to retell the account of his interview.

“Please Harry, tell it one more time!” screeched a curly-haired girl, who sounded as if her voice box had recently been transfigured into a chew toy.

“After all, we consider it so very brave of you,” sighed a dark-haired first-year who was sitting at Harry’s feet, apparently ready for a good bedtime story.

Harry was rubbing his scar, and a frown had appeared upon his face. He got up quickly, which frightened a long-legged girl who was pushed backward and ended up in somersault position.

“I’m going to bed!” Harry exclaimed, still rubbing his scar. The girls surrounding moaned and, still resolute, followed Harry up the stairs, but were shut up when he slammed the door to the dormitory.

Ron watched as the third-years proceeded down the stairs. Some were crying, others were shaking their heads as if words were beneath them.

Ron’s eyes wandered once again to the book lying on the table. He looked around the common room. The third-years were sitting at the opposite side trying to comfort the long-legged girl, who looked absolutely mortified. Fred and George were demonstrating some new invention of theirs. It appeared to be shrinking bubble gum, as every time George blew a bubble he seemed to shrink an inch.

Knowing that no one was watching him, Ron carefully opened the book and read the title page.

Translating Mad Things Girls Do so Boys can Understand Them
~By Hermione Granger~

*With input from Ginny Weasley*
!And a backward by Mrs Molly Weasley!

Ron flipped to the next page, which read “Forward” and, mentally telling himself he was mad to be reading this, began reading.

It has recently come to my attention that wizard boys, usually ranging from ages 13-60, have no inclination about why girls do certain kinds of things. This book was written, plain and simply, to put girls’ habitual proclivities into a form that men can understand and to set aside the consternation which boys have on the subject. It is with that, that this book begins......

Ron looked down at the reading. If putting things into “a simple form that men could understand” meant using words such as “consternation”, this book was bound to be more of a hindrance than a help. Still, Ron found his hand gently turning the page, and almost by magic, his eyes began to read.

Chapter one- Point one- “Girls aren’t Confusing, Boys are just Oblivious”

Part of the age-old debate between men and women has been girls’ unwillingness to explain themselves.

Ms. Ginny Weasley explains further. “Girls explain themselves. Guys are just too stupid to understand.”

What, through my experience, has been the hardest thing for guys to understand is when a girl, plain and simply, likes someone.

“I had a crush on a boy for nearly four years. I carefully made him get-well cards, I put all my free time into writing a valentine song for him, and to this day, I still believe he has no knowledge of this former crush,” says Ginny Weasley, a former crusher of an oblivious teen.

So how does a guy go about knowing if a girl likes him or not? Use these simple guideposts:

_ The girl often gets jealous when the boy mentions like of other girls.

_ The girl comforts the boy when perhaps at his lowest.

_ The girl writes...

SLAM!!! Ron Weasley slammed the book shut. What useless prose, he thought to himself. Why didn’t girls just say it out loud: “I like you”. Was that so hard?

Ron sighed. He returned to his potions essay, but with little hope. The common room was still noisy due to Fred and George’s shrinking bubble gum. It appeared that several first-years had shrunk to the size of thumbnails and were now having trouble being located.

“Not to worry!” came Fred in an authoritative voice, “the gum usually wears off within five minutes.”

George looked to his watch and whispered something into Fred’s ear, at which Fred immediately frowned.

Ron continued scratching his quill to the half-empty parchment. What had he been expecting, after all? Some advice on how to let Hermione know....

His thoughts were cut short, however, as Ginny slumped into the chair nearest Ron. She looked absolutely miserable, but appeared to be enlightened by the book now sitting closed at the end of the table.

“So,” came Ginny, drawing the book closer, “erm...did you read it?”

“Yeah,” he said annoyingly, “and a fat load of help that was.”

“You read all of it...erm, thoroughly?” she said, looking concerned.

“Yeah,” he said, at which Ginny gave him a reproachful look. “Well most of it,” he admitted finally.

Ginny pushed the book towards Ron and gave him an it’s-for-your-own-good smile.

“Give it up, Ginny,” Ron said irritably. “I’m not reading any more of that worthless garbage.” At this Ron stood up and started up the stairs towards the dormitory.

“Ron,” Ginny called after him, “how far did you actually get?”

Ron shrugged and mumbled something about only reading a page or so. He then continued into his dormitory and slammed the door tight.

Ginny shook her head as she opened the book and began reading where she knew Ron hadn’t read.

_ The girl often gets jealous when the boy mentions like of other girls.

_ The girl comforts the boy when perhaps at his lowest.

Ginny sighed, picked up the book, and headed up the stairs, closely followed by Dean and Seamus who were talking calmly about a shrunk first-year they had accidentally mistaken as an action figure. She pushed open the door to her dormitory and found Hermione sitting by the cackling fireplace, apparently waiting for Ginny.

“So, did he read it?” said Hermione anxiously.

“No,” came Ginny, tossing the book onto Hermione’s lap.

“Typical boy, can’t even read the first few pages without getting bored.”

“Well, maybe it was all for the better.” Hermione sighed as she opened the book and looked longingly at the first chapter.

“ I could force him to read it if you like,” said Ginny comfortingly. “I know some good torture jinxes that I could blackmail him with.”

“No,” said Hermione, pitching the book into the fireplace, “it’s probably better this way.”

At that, she stood up and headed out the door. Ginny watched her leave, remembering vaguely a song she had written in her first year, and knowing exactly how Hermione felt.