The Soul is Cheap

The Soul is Cheap

"Really, James, come on." Lily preens in the mirror, and I can't remember a time when I hate her more. "You have your secrets and I have mine. We both do what we want. If you hadn't gotten me pregnant, we'd both be happier."

I want to tell her to shut her face, but I'm holding Harry now, and the last thing I want him to hear is me yelling.

I'm confused, because she goes off every night to do Merlin knows what, and I do the same, but I love her and hate her and if we didn't have a son, I wouldn't feel anything about her at all.

Harry starts to cry, and I coddle him, bouncing him, pacing across the room. I still haven't spoken a word.

Lily gives an exasperated sigh. "You're standing in my light, James."

I shuffle a little to the right, and watch as she applies the last bit of makeup, all of which is usually gone when she returns.

She stands and exits the room, high heels clacking on the floor. "I'll be back later, James," she says, and closes the door behind her.

I place Harry in his crib, and he settles, falling asleep almost immediately, and I'm glad of it. I open up the liquor cabinet and grab the Ogden's immediately, out of habit.

He should be showing up soon. At least, I hope so. I'm going to get smashed anyway.

Sure enough, someone crashes through the fireplace when I'm halfway through the bottle of Ogden's. Remus dusts off his robes and looks at me. "Hullo, James... where's Lily?"

"Out," I say, and wave the Ogden's at him. "Want some?"

"James," he says disapprovingly, "you're drunk."

"Yes," I say.

He sits beside me. "Why are you drunk?"

"Because I'm drinking, you great prat."

"I mean, why are you drinking?"

"Because my wife's a whore and I hate her, and I want to be drunk, Moony."

"What do you mean, Lily's a whore?"

"She goes out. I don't know where. I think she's out shagging some other man."

Remus touches my shoulder, and I shove it off. "She only stays with me because of Harry," I say. I slump forward and let my head fall between my knees. "She just wants to love herself... I hate her, I hate her, I hate her..."

"I'm sure she's not cheating on you, James..."

"I'll show her." I raise my head, and everything, though slightly blurry, seems crystal clear. "Off shagging somebody else. I should shag someone else and see how she likes it. She probably won't care..."

Remus's voice is sharper, cuts into my ears. "James, you're ranting. Let me get you some Pepperup Potion."

"I want to be drunk," I say loudly.

"No, you don't. You'll be sick in the morning and you'll owl me, if you can even hold a quill, saying 'Moony, why did you let me get blasted last night? You should have forced that Pepperup Potion down my throat, you great prat.' I know you, James."

He leaves the room, and I down quite a bit more of the Ogden's.

Remus comes back in with the bottle of Pepperup Potion, pries the bottle of Ogden's from my fingers, and looks at me, exhausted. "Drink it."

"No."

"Open your mouth."

"No."

"Oh, for Merlin's sake. How about now?"

"N--" In mid-syllable, he Petrifies me. He pours the potion down my throat, and it burns like mad. He takes the charm off, and I feel unpleasantly sober.

I look up at Remus, who is now slightly amused at the scowl on my face. "Moony?" I say.

"Now what?" he says. I grab his tie and yank his face down to my level, and he jerks in pain. "Ow! What was that for?"

I grin wickedly, and I kiss him.

Nothing happens for a few moments. I release his tie.

"Am I going to be your revenge shag?" Remus says, and it's just a tad bitter.

"Maybe. Do you care?"

"Not really."

"All right then."

He kisses me now, and I feel warm, sick, lovesick, wonderful, hung over and bitter.

Things have never been better, and things have never been worse. I want her to walk in right now and suffer.

She walks in, seeing us there... "Lily, you're standing in my light," I'd say.

I'm kissing him, yanking off that horrible tie.

"We both have our secrets," I'd say.

My shirt is off and his arms are around me, sliding down my back...

Harry would start crying. "If you hadn't gotten pregnant," I'd say, "we'd both be able to live our lives."

He's kissing down my chest, undoing my belt.

I love you.

I hate you.

Her specter is there, coldly mocking me.

"We both have our secrets, James. But let's stay together for Harry's sake."

I don't love her. I can't love her. I can't love anyone. And that's entirely her fault.

I wish the bitch were dead.

Now I'll drain Remus just like she drained me...

The soul is cheap.